We also discovered the name of the clinic Kay had a relationship with was All IVF. Kay mentioned that she had worked with the clinic for over six years and there was a Dr Pisit who worked there, whom she had known since her university days. He was popular with Australians, having been educated at one of our country’s top universities, Monash in Melbourne. The alternative was a Dr Titikorn Wanichakul from Worldwide Fertility Centre.
Kay said she would work out a timeline for Rebecca and this would allow us to work out our own schedule. Rebecca and I had already sat down and worked out a timeline ourselves, basing it on Fashion Week and her children’s school holidays, which both fell at roughly the same time. If we left for Thailand then, her mother could look after the kids. We suggested taking the whole family to Singapore to be with my parents so Rebecca, Jayson and I could be closer to them while we were in Bangkok, about a two-hour plane trip away.
Kay suggested the process include the full IVF preparations for Rebecca and later the extraction of her eggs and Jayson’s sperm. The clinic had all the leading edge facilities on its compound to administer this, and that way we would have less to worry about. In fact, it was a “one-stop shop” which facilitated the entire process from start to finish. Kay confirmed she would organise the collection of resumes of several of her surrogate mothers on her books and send them to me at a later stage. This wasn’t a point of concern for Kay as she only worked with the best surrogates in the country. We discussed at length the costs, fee structure and what her firm would offer us. She clarified that it would manage the entire process from beginning to end and offered other services if needed, including freezing embryos and sperm, blood tests and screenings for all surrogates, egg donors and intended parents. In addition, we discussed the surrogate’s costs and I assured Kay that we would be happy to meet all of the surrogates out-of-pocket expenses, including transportation to and from the clinic and hospitals, medicine if needed during the pregnancy, life insurance (which Kay suggested was imperative) and prenatal and hospital fees. Kay was impressed at how much work we had done on this and she knew Sam had briefed us. She added that most of her clients were still “in the dark” about the process by the time they got to her.
Kay mentioned that we were required to pay the entire set of fees in five instalments, the first due on the date we signed the agreement. We had to agree that the first instalment was to pay for the team to organise three attempts of the pregnancy. If the first cycle was a negative pregnancy or there was no heartbeat confirmation or miscarriage within eight weeks, Kay’s firm would agree to prepare two more cycles. The second payment would be on the date the doctor reported a positive pregnancy. And the third would be at gestational age twelve weeks, or just as we entered the second trimester. When we reached twenty-eight weeks’ gestation, we would be required to make the fourth payment and the last payment would be required at delivery. There would also be a pro rata refund on any of the instalment dates, should the surrogate have a miscarriage. The sound of the word “miscarriage” brought shivers to my spine, and was the word I feared most throughout the pregnancy.
Kay said she would prepare a surrogate’s agreement for our perusal and once the details were confirmed, both we and the surrogate would sign the agreement. She added that the agreement would go into more detail of the “dos and don’ts” of both sides, ensuring total care to the unborn child during the pregnancy.
Kay’s firm and associated clinic offered as part of the package a walk-in counselling session before meeting the doctor about the whole process of IVF. Kay’s responsibilities included sending us all medical reports of our donor, surrogate mother and prenatal reports during the nine months of pregnancy.
Kay would also give instructions and monitor the surrogate’s process during the pregnancy, escorting her for prenatal check-ups, and later delivery, and assisted us with any visits to the Australian Embassy when we applied for relevant immigration papers and passports. She would also ensure on our behalf that the surrogate prepared all necessary documents for a smooth flow towards bringing our baby home.
The IVF protocol, according to Kay, would take about four weeks, starting with ovarian stimulation for Rebecca, which would take up to ten days. Once this was completed, the eggs would be retrieved and cultured in the laboratory for five days, following which the eggs would be transferred to the nominated surrogate. Finally there would be a pregnancy test on day twenty-eight, to determine if she was pregnant.
In the interim, Kay suggested we start online counselling immediately. We needed to provide answers to questions on any documents, including the agreement she would email to us shortly after we picked our surrogate. In order for Kay to plan and draft Rebecca’s IVF treatment and schedule our surrogacy from start to finish, she needed to know the date of Rebecca’s last period.
When we got off the phone, we were firing. Kay was so thorough, we thought, covering everything in detail, making us feel secure and more determined than ever. We had a lot to do and we needed to start immediately. It was like blocks – we were slowly putting one block up after the other. Kay sounded extremely efficient and gave us hardly any doubt she would deliver as promised. This is a profound characteristic of Kay, who we both admired increasingly as we grew to know her during this time.
Immediately after the conversation, I googled the All IVF clinic in Bangkok, as I wanted to learn more about it and also the doctors Kay mentioned. As well as an information-based website, which looked professional, its standards also looked impressive. It struck me as a very professional organisation specialising in the work of IVF and surrogacy. Under the staff section was a picture of Kay with her name, photograph and job title: English Speaking Agent. It was obvious she was part of the clinic and its team of staff, her role limited to serving English-speaking clients for the clinic. I felt quite relaxed, especially since now I could put a face to the name of the person I had just spoken to. So much had transpired today, I had hardly enough time to digest it all. One minute we were on our way to India and now Thailand was on the agenda.
Fear filled me as I wondered about the rumour I heard from a friend about Thai surrogates running away with their newborns. I had forgotten to ask Kay about this. I made a note to ask her about this later. It was probably just me being pedantic and stressing for no rhyme or reason.
12
“We Have News”
After months of preparations and building some form of momentum for the impending trip to Thailand, it was time for us to tell our family. We decided to start with Jayson’s parents. It felt easy enough as we were on a trip to Ballina for his mother’s eightieth birthday. We had no idea how Dorothy would receive the news, as her mental state had been deteriorating with Alzheimer’s and she had become oblivious to most things, forgetting every piece of news told to her within minutes. The news might be difficult for her to understand.
Malcolm, Jayson’s father, on the other hand, had only several months ago undergone a serious quadruple bypass when they were on holidays in Hawaii. He nearly lost his life and Dorothy had slept on the hospital’s chair next to him without even managing to go back to the hotel to change her clothes or bathe for several days. The shock from Malcolm’s illness caused her own downward spiral. Jayson had flown to Hawaii upon hearing the news and there he looked after both his ailing parents – his father in hospital and his mother who couldn’t surface out of the shock that had befallen her. For three weeks Jayson stayed in Hawaii, assisting his father’s recovery and escorting them back to Ballina when they were well enough to travel home. In those long, hard weeks, he dutifully looked after both his parents, especially his mother, who was shattered from the ordeal. Jayson himself, when he finally arrived home, was drained from such a difficult situation.
When Malcolm was wheeled out of the operating room after being cut open, veins and arteries taken out of his left leg to place in his heart, he looked at Jayson and gripped his hands. He was thankful to his son for having come all that way for them. He was happ
y — happy knowing his son was there to look after him and his ailing wife. It was at that precise moment when something in Jayson changed, and he decided that being a father was the one thing he wanted most. In the past he had had reservations. But now he realised he didn’t want to wake up one day and for either of us to be in Malcolm’s shoes and not have anyone there doing the same for us. After he got his parents back to Ballina, he flew back to Sydney and in those months until we went to Ballina for Dorothy’s eightieth, Jayson didn’t stop talking about how he saw his sickly father fight for his life and how lonely it would have been if they were alone with no one to care for them, stranded at their holiday destination. If it were not for Jayson, Malcolm would probably not have survived.
I remember that late November afternoon in Ballina. We made sandwiches from the barbecued chickens we bought from the corner store and had lunch with Jayson’s parents. We thought the Brunsdons would be the best people to tell first, because they were always very supportive of our relationship and never once did they ever make me feel I wasn’t part of their immediate family. They loved and treated me like their own right from the start.
Malcolm and Dorothy were sitting on the front porch, reading an article about IVF babies, coincidentally, in Readers Digest. I gathered it was a sign. Malcolm was in a particularly good mood and Dorothy seemed to be in dementia remission at that moment. It was the right time; they were both ready, we felt. Jayson and I joined them outside and we decided Jayson would do all the talking and I would only add my voice for important facts when necessary.
“Well, Dad and Mum, we have some good news to tell you both. We have been keeping you in the dark for a while. It won’t be long before you both are going to be grandparents once again.” (Jayson’s brother Craig has two kids.)
“Grandparents, what do you mean?” Malcolm asked.
“Aaron and I have decided to start a family. We are going to have a baby. We have been planning for a while now, for a surrogate baby in Thailand,” Jayson responded.
Malcolm didn’t say a word, clearly thinking.
“When did this come about? Are you both sure this is the right thing you are doing?” he asked, sounding concerned.
“Yes, we are. It’s been a long time in the making and we want to have a family, someone to be here for us when we are old – but that’s not the only reason.”
“Have you thought carefully about this? It will be very expensive I am told. How are you to manage with funding this?” His concerned voice rose slightly.
“In the scope of things, it’s not. Aaron’s cousin Rebecca is giving us her eggs and we have found a clinic, a doctor and surrogate in Thailand to work with. They are very professional and good at what they do.”
There was further silence and Dorothy placed her reading material down to look at us both.
“You are not saying anything. Why? What do you think?” Jayson asked.
“It’s your decision to make and I don’t feel it is my right to say anything except that you must carefully consider this. It’s like putting a noose over your head,” said Malcolm. The expression struck us both like lightning.
“Why do you think it will be this way?” Jayson said, agitated at the lack of support from Malcolm.
“Well, you both work and run your own business, you are constantly travelling and working. Where will you find time to look after a baby? It’s a tough job bringing up a child,” he said.
“We have worked it out, we will get some help at home and take turns to look after the baby on alternate days. Aaron and I can work from home as well.”
“When are you planning for this to take place?”
“In April, when we leave for Thailand.”
“Thailand? I am not going anywhere,” cut in Dorothy, who remained confused about what she has just heard.
“No, Mum, you don’t have to go anywhere. We are going to Thailand to have a baby.”
“A baby? How old is this child? Is it a Thai baby?” she asked, more confused than ever.
“It’s not a Thai child, it’s one of their own. They will have a baby of their own,” Malcolm said.
“I don’t understand, how old is this child?” she asked again. We all sighed, finding great difficulty in explaining the process to her. She scuffled away while the three of us continued the discussion.
“Can you guys afford it? You have only just gotten back on your feet. You lost everything not so long ago. Are you sure you want to do this, and at your age, start all over again? Please be sure about this and think it through carefully,” he cautioned.
“We are sure, Dad. This is what we both really want and we want you to be happy for us. Please say you will be part of your grandchild’s life and are happy you will become a grandfather again.”
“I will be happy for you and I will come round to it. I am sure your mother will too, she is just confused – she is not sure what is happening. It’s the illness,” he added. “I know when she sees your child she will come around. You know how she is with babies.”
There wasn’t much more conversation about it that afternoon. Malcolm remained in deep thought and I was wishing he would ask more questions but he didn’t. He kept silent throughout, probably digesting the news and trying to configure it to some extent.
But when we left for Sydney a few days later, at the airport he took me aside to say, “Son, I am happy for you both. I will come around and if this means something to you, then as a father I can only be happy for you both.” He hugged me and patted me on the back.
I was very touched at the declaration and I knew at that moment that Malcolm was happy for us. It had just taken a while to sink in, the idea so remote that his gay son and his partner were about to become parents, and he was concerned about us. I had figured there would be some form of reaction, either negative or positive, but whatever it was we had to be upfront and deal with it the best way we knew how. We had to be transparent and properly explain the whole process, as absurd as it may seem to some. Our parents are of a different generation. In their time, there was nothing like this, especially two men having a kid. It was unheard of. You would get beaten up, killed or persecuted just for being a homosexual, let alone having a baby. So it required some explaining and being coherent on our part to make things easier and clearer for them.
We left Ballina feeling relieved we had told them and now we had to tell my family. My parents, being in Singapore, could wait a little longer. I dreaded it because my parents were born and bred in Singapore. They are traditional and I predicted they would have difficulty understanding but I would soon deal with it. We also had to tell Rebecca’s immediate family, her partner Simon, my cousins and my aunt.
Generally I am a strategic person, however because I am emotionally attached to my family I did not know where to start. I did not know who to placate, and I was worried about their judgements. I wasn’t sure if they would be receptive to our surrogacy plans, especially the one involving Rebecca. We worried about telling Rebecca’s partner Simon, whom Rebecca and I were both concerned may not handle the news well. He himself had brought up the subject of having a child with Rebecca and she had told him honestly that she did not want any more children and that her three children and Simon’s two kids were plenty to keep them busy and happy.
With three months to go before Thailand, with the exception of Jayson’s parents, only Jayson, Rebecca and I knew about our surrogacy arrangement. I silently feared telling my parents, unnecessarily suspecting they would see this as an abomination of the Torah – to play with God’s doing and challenge the traditional method of becoming parents is to play with fire. There wasn’t anyone in my family who knew much, or in fact anything, about surrogacy so we would have to start from the beginning. I thought it would be best to start with Rebecca and her family as I figured they would be slightly more open to the idea, considering they have lived in Australia for more than thirty years and are a little more broadminded than my immediate family.
When we arrived ho
me in Sydney, Rebecca called and asked me over to dinner. She said it was time we told them. She couldn’t hide it any longer, especially from Simon and her parents. We could delay telling her kids until we left for Thailand but for now, I was summoned to her home that coming Friday Shabbat night as her kids would be with their father and it was the perfect time to tell the rest of her family.
The important Jewish festival of Hanukah seemed auspicious enough for us both for letting the cat out of the bag. Our family, Rebecca’s parents Sally and Abe, her brother Jeremiah, Aunt Esther, her husband Paul, their daughter Shan-Lee and Simon, Rebecca’s partner of two years, were present at the dinner. Jayson was at a work function and could not make it but he wanted Rebecca and me to do this without him as he felt it was important for us to tell our family together. Rebecca sat next to me as usual at the dinner table. On her left was Simon and at the head of the table were her parents.
We did the customary prayers of blessing the wine, bread and thanking the divine for the Shabbat, and then we all had a hearty meal. Sally is renowned for her culinary skills, and the table was laden with delicious Asian dishes and potato latkes she had made especially for Hanukah. After dinner, it was customary in our family to talk at the table. Every week, someone would have some good news and each of us took it in turn to talk about the week or tell an old story or reminisce about the past and our upbringing in Singapore. It was a family thing and one we all did at the Shabbat table. Tonight, there would be big news for them, the news we had been keeping secret for a few months.
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