by Rain, Renee
“So have you met anybody yet?” Stephanie asked her as she put another French fry in her mouth. Tearny looked at her and then looked away as if she wanted to avoid the question. Stephanie continued to stare at her and smile letting her know that she was waiting on an answer. “Girl no.” Tearny finally replied rolling her eyes as if the thought of meeting someone disgusted her.
“Girl, you mean to tell me that you aren’t getting numbers from any of those fine men on campus?” Stephanie leaned towards her and with a serious expression. “What’s up with that, you one of them lipstick lesbians or something?” Tearny sat her sandwich down quickly and replied with a sharp tone. “No, I’m not a lesbian. I just haven’t run across anyone who’s worth my time”. She got up, took her tray to the trash can and returned to the table.
As she was walking back to the table, Stephanie was staring at her. “Why are you looking at me like that, are you a lesbian? Because you know I can put in for a room change on Monday.” As she sat down, Stephanie cut her off by laughing. “Girl you wish. I just don’t see why you haven’t run across anyone. I mean it’s not like your ugly or ill-built. So I know brother’s be checking you out. Oh, wait. Are you one of those girls that call themselves waiting for the right one? Are you saving yourself for marriage?” Stephanie shook her head as she laughed and took another drink of her soda.
Tearny paused. “There are so many gorgeous girls on campus. I’m not up for competing for a date. I mean really, I’m here to get my degree. I want to see a world different from where I’m from and if the right guy comes along- that will be great. But I can’t deal with the drama of dating someone who is probably dating five others. And I know I’m not ugly- never have been.”
“Hmmm. They can call you whatever you are willing to answer to. I’m not saying be a hoe with yourself. But if you keep living and dressing like a recluse,” Stephanie looked her up and down from across the table, “you might as well be an ugly chick”.
She didn’t like the comment and she didn’t respond. She looked through the crowds of people as she thought that maybe, just maybe, Stephanie had a point. Even though her hair was kinky compared to many girls on campus, she had a look that many liked. A flawless complexion, size ten jeans and a perky 36D bust line.
“Earth to Beauty. Earth to Beauty.” Stephanie laughed as she saw her friend in a daydream. “Girl, don’t pay me any mind. I tend to blurb out whatever is on my mind and think about it later”. Tearny laughed with her as she refocused her attention back to her. “Do I dress frumpy?” She looked at Stephanie with a concerned expression on her face. “Not frumpy or homely.” She paused as she looked at her in a truly caring manner. “It’s just that you are young and gorgeous. It wouldn’t hurt if you dressed in a more confident fashion.” She took in what her friend was telling her and gave no more of a respond other than a short sigh and head nod to let Stephanie know that she was hearing what she was saying. They got up and went back out into the crowd.
As they walked, cutting through all the people who were on their way to a destination of their own, Tearny caught a glimpse of a little girl. The child must have been five or six years old. She had a complexion similar to her own and head full of thick hair. She didn’t know this child, but seeing her for just a few seconds was long enough to remind her of a time in her life that she thought she had buried. She recalled to herself the reason she started dressing the way she does.
The summer of her sixth birthday was one of the hottest she could recall. She remembered how so many different family members came to town to visit that year. One Saturday, her Aunt Pat had a barbeque. She had a large home that sat on at least five acres of land that was mostly wooded. Family and friends started gathering around two o’clock that day. She recalls her mother doing last minute checks and making sure that the clothes Tearny wore were still clean. They had been there all day helping her Aunt Pat prepare food and clean the house.
“Baby you look beautiful.” Her mother smiled as she retied the straps on her flowered sundress. “You are my Beauty.” Although she does not recall her mother ever telling her that she loved her, she accepted her mother’s calling her Beauty as her way of showing her love. She smiled at her mother who looked like an older and taller version of herself. Tearny hated wearing dresses, but she never complained because it always seemed to make her mother so happy when she would see her dressed like a little lady. She loved seeing her mother smile since she rarely did so after having to bury her husband-Tearny’s father, two years prior.
About three hours after everyone had been there eating, drinking and having a good time, some of the kids wanted to play kick ball. The back yard was certainly large enough, but there weren’t enough kids to form two separate teams, so they settled for playing hide and go seek. Tearny couldn’t remember who was “it”. But she could remember who found her hiding in the woods.
She hid behind a large oak tree that was close to the far edge of the property line. “I found you.” An older male voice spoke from behind her. Tearny was startled and quickly turned around to find her cousin Jake standing behind her. He was 16 years old. “You aren’t it.” She whispered trying to not let the other kids know where she was hiding. “You’re too big to play; only us little kids are playing”. She’ll never forget the smirked expression on his face as he laughed.
“You missed it. They yelled all in ox in free a few minutes ago. Didn’t you hear them?” She shook her head back and forth letting him know that she didn’t hear the call. He walked closer to her. “Ha ha. You know what that means then don’t you? If you didn’t hear them, they can’t hear you”.
Tearny stood from her squatted position behind the oak. She turned away from him and began to walk away as quick as she could. She felted her hearted beating hard and began to run. She realized after a short pace that her feet were no longer on the ground. Jake had grabbed her. He put his hand over her mouth and reminded her of just how far into the woods she was. She bit his hand as hard as she could to get him to take it away from her mouth. But before she could scream, he hit her in the mouth and covered it with his other hand. With tears rolling down her face and thoughts of never seeing her mother again going through her mind, she let out a muffled cry. “Please don’t hurt me.” She heard a buzzing sound in her head and passed out.
She next recalled waking up in a hospital bed with her mother at her bedside. She was holding her Bible and had tears in her eyes. There was a doctor talking to her mother, but the only thing Tearny could remember was hearing him say something about permanent damage and counseling. She remembered her mother comforting her and at the same time, telling her to never talk about what happened. Being a child, she listened to what her mother said. At the time, she had no idea as to what her mother and doctor talked about. However, she clearly understood as an adult that she may never have her own little girl with thick puffy hair. As she pulled herself from reminiscing, she found herself wiping tears from her eyes.
Stephanie didn’t seem to notice the moment of sadness and Tearny was glad about that. The last thing she wanted was for her roommate to think that she was emotionally unstable. The two continued walking through the crowds. A little window shopping and buying small trinkets always made Tearny happy. After being downtown for nearly four hours, they decided to catch the bus back to campus.
For days after their trip to the city, Tearny couldn’t help but to think about the comments that Stephanie made. She found herself looking in the mirror more often. “Maybe I do need to jazz up my wardrobe.”She often thought aloud as she looked over the clothes in her closet. Other than an occasional shirt, she hadn’t done any clothes shopping in two years. Most of the things she had were old and homely looking. She knew that Stephanie was just being nice.
As she thought about the new clothes that she would like to have, she remembered a credit card that she applied for during the first week of school. It came in the mail a couple weeks ago, but she swore that she would only use it in the case of an em
ergency. “500 dollar limit,” she said aloud as she peeled the card off of the paper it was attached to. She called the activation number and placed it in her purse.
The week came to an end and Tearny was anxious to get dressed and go to the city Saturday morning. “Hey girl, are you going to go with me to get some new clothes?” She spoke to Stephanie with excitement in her eyes. “Girl what do you mean- new clothes? Last time I checked, you were broke and I am not with that five finger discount.” Stephanie flipped her hair as she rolled her eyes. Tearny laughed as she showed her credit card and chanted, “Buy now, pay later.” She walked to the window and stood while waiting on a response. “Girl, you have to be careful with that plastic.” Stephanie replied with her motherly tone. Tearny turned around and smiled. “Girl, you don’t have to worry about that. Just know that Tearny is about to be renewed and she’s going to the club tonight.”
Stephanie suggested that they go to an inexpensive store that catered to younger crowds on a budget. Tearny was all smiles as she pulled clothes off the racks one after another and proceeded to try them on. She stepped out of the fitting room and Stephanie stood speechless for a moment.
“Girl, where is the rest of that thing at?” Stephanie could not believe she picked out and tried on a black spandex cat suit. It had a key-hole opening that showed cleavage that she never realized Tearny had. “Now don’t come back out here showing me everything you got. You have me feeling like I need to hit the gym.” Stephanie shook her head as she looked to see who else was in the store that might have seen her friend in such skimpy attire. She browsed the racks and found a dress that she liked and waited for Tearny to finish shopping. The two went to several stores before returning to campus where they both were so exhausted they fell asleep.
The clock read 8:45pm when Tearny woke up to the sound of Stephanie ironing clothes. It was ladies night at a local club and to get in free, they needed to be there before 11pm. Tearny normally didn’t go to The Spot, because although she could get in being under 21yrs old, she felt awkward walking around with a bare wrist while most wore fluorescent bands that were clear indicators to the bar tenders as to who could and could not buy alcoholic drinks.
Stephanie’s friend Rhonda came by to pick them up at 10:30pm. The three proceeded to the club and walked in looking like a college version of Charlie’s Angels. Tearny wore red denims that had just enough stretch to hug her hips, a red tube top covered by a shear black blouse that left little to the imagination. The black patent, open-toed heels topped the outfit off and she was feeling great about her appearance. She was surprised when the bouncer checked her ID and still placed a wrist band on her. The line was long and he must not have been paying attention.
The three quickly claimed a table by placing their jackets on the seats. Tearny sat as the other two went to the dance floor. A waitress came and took her order. She ordered a soda and sat back enjoying her time people watching. A couple of guys asked her to dance but she quickly declined. She wasn’t much of a dancer and was worried that she might embarrass herself.
“Do you mind if I sit with you?” She turned to see a tall, broad and handsome brown skinned man. She pointed to an empty seat next to her and let him know that he could sit. She couldn’t help but to smile and she was glad that he didn’t ask her to dance. “So I’ve never seen you in here before. Are you new around here?” He asked as he flagged a waitress.
“No, I just don’t go out much.” She smiled as she shook her shoulders to the music and scanned the crowd. “Well, I’m not good with small talk, but I’ve been watching you since you sat down,” he stopped talking as the waitress approached the table for him to place his order. “Crown and Coke,” he stated to the waitress and turned to Tearny and asked what she was drinking. She leaned over to tell him quietly that she was not drinking alcohol. He added an apple martini to his order. “That’s an odd combination,” she stated.
“Well, you don’t drink, but I figured I’d order you a martini just to see if you like it. If you don’t, I’ll not bother you ever again about your soda. But if you do like it, you owe me one dance.” He winked at her as she shook her head back and forth. She wanted to tell him that she wasn’t really old enough, but decided that she would try the drink instead. To her surprise, she enjoyed the sweet taste that didn’t seem to be over powered by alcohol. “How about if I just pay for my drink and you leave me alone. Besides, I am not much of a dancer.” She continued to slowly sip the green colored fusion.
“No good. You can give me one dance.” He looked over to the dance floor then pointed to the far end. “We can go over in that corner and no one will see us.”
She agreed to dance one song and followed him to the corner.
Tearny laughed as the next song was a slow one. He whispered to her to follow his lead. “By the way, I’m Keith. What is your name?” He asked with a soft, yet masculine tone to his voice. She softly spoke her name as she looked into his eyes. He told her that he was raised east of Atlanta and decided he would stay close to home- even though his parents moved out of state soon after he finished high school. She shared that she was from a small town in the Midwest. She had a weird, almost nervous feeling stirring in her body, but attributed it to the alcohol she had drunk. The two danced three slow songs in a row. The night ended and they exchanged numbers with promises to keep in touch.
The weeks went by and Saturday dates with Keith soon turned into Sunday breakfasts at his off campus apartment. To Tearny’s surprise, sex had not come up until three months into their dating. This was a pleasant surprise to her because Keith was two years older and she was sure that he was experienced and having sex with someone. She thought about it often, but wasn’t really sure about being that intimate with him.
During one overnight stay, she decided to open up about her past and the trauma that she had been through. She told him that because of this, she wasn’t really comfortable with sex. She also shared that she was told that baring children would be difficult if pregnancy could happen at all. She tried to hold in her tears because after all, this man was like a dream and she didn’t want to come off as an emotionally needy person. He held her and reassured her that sex between the two would only happen when and if she was ready. She told him that she was ready, but that she was scared. He held her and kissed her forehead. “Maybe another time, but not tonight.”
Another month of dating went by and she was starting to get curious about being more intimate with him. The two found themselves drawn together on a Friday night. After a night of dancing they ended the night back at his apartment. He always made her laugh telling her funny stories of his childhood. Soon, the laughter evolved to kissing. The kissing evolved to touching and caressing. Keith slowly unbuttoned her blouse and began kissing her from her neck to her breast. She never had anyone run their tongue across her breast. She wasn’t sure if she should giggle or sit back and enjoy what he was doing to her body. He unbuttoned and slowing pulled her pants half way down. She could feel that her panties were wet and was embarrassed as he slipped his hand into them.
“I’m sorry, it wasn’t like this before.” She was embarrassed about the accumulation of moisture between her legs. “I know. But it’s okay. Really it’s a good thing.” He wanted to laugh as he thought about how naïve she was. He continued kissing and licking her breast as he slid his hand further between her thighs. She jumped. “Do you want me to stop?” He whispered as he pulled his hand back. “No. Just go slow.” She closed her eyes and tried to make herself relax.
She felt his fingers separate her lips and he began to slowly stroke back and forth across her clitoris. She felt her nipples become more firm. She let a deep breath out and closed her eyes. This was far more pleasurable than the last time a male had touched her. She realized one of his fingers had found its way into the entrance of her vagina. He was moving it slowing in and out and she could hear the sloshing sound that was a result of her being so moist.
“Are you ready to do this,” Keith
whispered in her ear. She could feel the firmness of his penis against her leg and she knew that he was clearly ready. She pulled her pants completely off and opened her legs a little wider letting him know that she was ready. But he didn’t climb on top of her as she expected. “Is that a yes?” He asked as he began kissing her down her waist. She let out a quiet “yes” and closed her eyes tight expecting pain. What she felt was not pain at all, but his tongue flicking and his lips sucking her clitoris as his finger slid in and out of her vagina.
“Oh My God”, she gasped. He told her that she was going to cum, and to try to relax. He wouldn’t stop. She felt an intense tightness from within and let out a moan that she did not recognize as her own. She then felt an increase in moisture, her legs started shaking and then they went numb. He worked his way back up kissing her stomach, breast, neck and then lips. “I won’t put it all in,” he whispered in her ear. He slowly inserted himself into her as she wrapped her arms around his waist. The strokes he delivered were slow and unforced. She felt every inch of his shaft as he inserted and was pleased by the feeling. She never thought that having sex could feel so good.
The months quickly turned into 3 years of dating. Tearny embraced every moment that Keith would want to make love. He took her out every chance they got and she was elated when he asked her to be his bride. The two decided that once Tearny finished school, they would marry. Keith graduated with a bachelor’s degree in psychology and worked to pursue a master’s degree. He taught at a local community college and worked part time at as a counselor at a small behavior health center. Soon, Tearny graduated ahead of her class with a bachelor’s degree in accounting and was immediately hired at an insurance company that she interned at. The two decided to share Keith’s one bedroom apartment until they had been working enough to save for a wedding and a down payment on a house.