by Karen Reis
None of us said a word.
“I hate the way she treats all of us,” she said. “And what she said to you Carrie was completely out of line. I let her know it.”
“My dad had a heart attack,” I said, managing to stop my hiccupping.
“I know, sweetie,” Clarissa said soothingly, reaching out to pat one of my hands. “But he’ll be okay.”
“You should have just kept your mouth shut,” I said roughly, jerking away from her touch and standing up. I knew I was being unfair and unreasonable, but I couldn’t seem to stop the hatful words that were coming out of my mouth. “You shouldn’t have argued. You should have kept your mouth shut. The doctors will come with the test results when they have them. You insisting on making a call just made a bad situation worse. You just wanted to take control like Nancy said.”
Clarissa gaped at me. “I’m the bad guy now?” she said angrily.
I sniffed. “Maybe you are,” I choked out. I was about ready to break down in tears again.
Clarissa’s face turned red with anger and she looked like she wanted to slap me, but Michael stood up and held his hand out to his mother. “Why don’t we go for a walk down to the cafeteria or something?” he said, trying to diffuse the situation.
Clarissa stared at me for a moment, shook her head, and accepted her son’s hand. They left without a word to me and I sat back down, feeling even more miserable. Why couldn’t I have kept my own mouth shut?
Why did Sean have to leave?
“That was a really hurtful thing to say, Carrie,” Vanessa said to me in a quiet, rebuking voice.
“Leave me alone,” I muttered miserably, knowing that she was right but at the same time not caring, not when I had bigger problems.
Nancy eventually left Dad’s room to go the bathroom, and we girls went inside to say hello to our father, who seemed happy to have us there. We all hung around for a few more hours, Clarissa included, and then the doctor came back with the test results. Dad had indeed had a heart attack, a mild one, likely brought on by stress and his high cholesterol level. They wanted to take a look at his arteries and see if there were any serious blockages because heart disease ran in the family. They would keep him overnight at the least while they checked him out. He would of course have to make a few lifestyle changes, and begin taking cholesterol medication.
I said goodbye to my dad and almost ran out of that hospital. By then it was late afternoon. I could either go home or go to work. Neither option appealed to me, the former more so because I didn’t want to confront the fact that Sean was still going to be gone when I got there. I didn’t want to think about my family, either. I just wanted some comfort without a lot of questions. I wanted Judy. I got into my car, slammed the door shut and turned the key in the ignition. It started sluggishly, as it had for the last couple of days, and I got to the end of the parking lot before it gave a sick chug, chug, chug noise, and then died.
“Not now,” I muttered in frustration as I turned the key again and gave it a little gas. “Come on,” I pleaded. The motor turned over and I let out a breath of relief, but then it chugged and died again. I banged my head against the wheel in frustration and anger and grief. I tried to start it again, but it flatly refused. I sat there for a few minutes, my blood pressure rising. I felt this overwhelming need to hit something. So I did. I hit the steering wheel over and over as hard as I could with my fists, but it wasn’t enough.
So I screamed and thrashed and kicked and cried, and I threw a gigantic temper tantrum. Only a tap on the glass made me stop at last. I stopped tearing my car apart and looked out the window. There was a man in his fifties, dressed quite obviously as hospital security, standing outside with a concerned expression on his weathered face. He had his radio out and his club too, which he had used to rap on the window.
“You alright?” he said to me through the glass. “You need me to call anyone for you? A doctor, maybe?”
I rolled down my window with the manual hand crank and shook my head, trying to look and sound perfectly normal. “Sorry. I’ve had a bad day.”
The security guard looked me over and I’m sure I was a sight to see at that point. He nodded. “I can see that.”
“My car won’t start,” I said by way of explanation. “I need a tow truck.”
“Okay. Maybe you should go inside to see a doctor, though. You seem to be really stressed out,” the man pressed.
“No. I just need to get my car fixed,” I repeated.
“Okay,” he said reasonably. “But I’d feel better if there was someone you could call to be with you. You seem like you could use a little company right now. Maybe a relative…?”
I let out a hysterical huff of laughter. “My family? Please. They’re worse off than I am.”
“Maybe a friend, husband? Or a boyfriend, maybe?” he asked hopefully.
I let loose more hysterical laughter. “My boyfriend’s been abducted by the United States government, so there’s no use calling him,” I said, hiccupping and cackling.
The guard’s eyebrows knitted together with concern and I could see him becoming more concerned over my mental health. “You could come inside the hospital to wait for a tow truck, miss. Maybe see a nurse, too, if the idea of a doctor turns you off.”
I unbuckled my seat belt. “I must seem like a crazy person to you,” I said, trying to sound reasonable and in control of myself. “Well I’m not crazy, and to prove it I’ll go inside and wait, but I don’t need any nurse or doctor. Just a tow truck.”
The guard amiably agreed with me, and I stepped out, showing him that I was indeed an able person. I dropped my keys on the ground though, and I bent over to grab them.
“See?” I said, standing up quickly, but I stood too fast. The blood rushed out of my head and I passed out right there in the parking lot.
When I came to, I was lying in a bed in the hallway of the emergency room. Judy sat next to me in a folding chair and she was sipping something out of a paper cup. Her eyes were on me as I opened mine, and she smiled at me. “You gave me the scare of this decade.”
“Why am I in a hospital bed?” I asked as I looked down at myself. “Where are my clothes?” was my second question. I had on only a hospital gown, and there was a needle stuck into the big vein in my right hand.
“You fainted in the parking lot,” Judy said to me gently, setting her cup down on the floor. “You’re blood pressure was through the roof, your insulin levels were dangerously low, and you tore the inside of your car to smithereens. Carrie, when was the last time you had anything to eat or drink?”
I thought about it. “Yesterday afternoon, I guess.” I had been so freaked out over finding Sean gone, and then I’d had to go the hospital, that I’d forgotten to take care of myself. Add to that my extreme emotional swings throughout the day and it was no wonder I’d passed out.
Judy clicked her tongue at me, shaking her head. “Well, they’ve been pumping you full of fluids and you’ve been sleeping for about four hours. It’s eight o’clock at night. Do you want me to call your parents? You only had me listed as an emergency contact, and since you weren’t in mortal danger, I didn’t want to call them until you told me otherwise.”
“Dad’s in here for a heart attack,” I said, and I explained the events of the last few days, minus of course, any mention of Sean. “If Nancy’s still here,” I said at last. “I don’t want to see her. She doesn’t need to know I’m here.”
Judy patted my hand and nodded. “Okay. I’m just going to go outside and alert the nurse that you’re awake. You’ll likely get a pep talk from the doctor, but they probably won’t keep you overnight. As you can see from your lovely hallway vantage, it’s pretty crowded in here.”
“Can I go home with you?” I asked, sounding very much like a little girl.
“Of course,” Judy said immediately, standing up. “I wouldn’t want it any other way. Oh, and don’t worry about your car. I got it towed to a good mechanic I know. Ranjit, the owner of this
shop near my house, is honest and doesn’t cheat women.”
She left and I rolled my eyes. Was Sean’s shop the only shop in the whole city? Judy didn’t know of any other mechanic of good repute in all of Las Vegas? I didn’t relish the idea of going down there to pick my car up and walking through the place that only recently Sean had worked at. I didn’t want to think about him, I didn’t want any reminders of him. He’d let me down and abandoned me. At that moment, I hated him.
I broke down and cried for a few minutes, but my tears didn’t last long. I was beginning to feel numb again, a sensation I welcomed since I didn’t want Judy asking more questions. What I wanted was to be pampered and fed ice cream and be allowed to lie in bed all day and watch mindless television. I wanted anything that could take away the hurt of Sean’s disappearance.
Two days later I was back in my own apartment though, because I was an adult with a job and bills to pay. I had to pay for getting my car fixed. I had to pay for my visit to the emergency room. That was surely going to put me in debt.
And then the phone call came.
“Hello. Is this Carrie Vitagliano?”
“Yes,” I said, idly rifling through my mail. “Who is this?”
“I’m Holly with North Vista Hospital,” the woman said in an annoyingly perky voice. “You were checked into the emergency room three days ago and had some blood taken for testing. I’m calling with the results.”
I had not been expecting any call of this sort, and I dropped my mail on the table. “What did you find?” I asked warily.
“Oh, you’re fine. All your tests came back normal but one. The doctor ordered a routine pregnancy test done. It came back positive.”
There was silence on my end. Holly hesitated for a moment before asking, “Ms. Vitagliano? Are you still there?”
“Yeah,” I whispered.
“It’s shocking news, I know. Despite the fact that you passed out, you do seem to be in fine health. The doctor would like you to keep your stress levels down though, and if you intend to keep the baby, to start taking some prenatal vitamins which can be found at any drug store. You should also make an appointment with your OB/GYN as soon as possible. If you need some information or help finding a doctor or medical insurance, the hospital network offers that free of charge through a program called Baby Steps. You can find out more information about that at our website. Do you have any questions, Ms. Vitagliano?”
I shook my head, but Holly couldn’t see me. “No,” I said, my voice oddly calm. “Thank you for calling.”
“You’re welcome, ma’am, and have a nice day,” Holly said happily and then hung up.
I pressed End on my cell phone and sat down, thinking hard.
I was pregnant. My car was still in the shop, my dad’s health was delicate, Clarissa wasn’t talking to me, and Sean was gone. We’d had sex once. We had used protection, but apparently it had only been window dressing because now I was knocked up, with child, enceinte, expecting, gestating, in a family way.
I was also most certainly alone, without family support, money or insurance. I had no experience with small children or their care. I sat in my chair for perhaps a half an hour, just staring into space, thinking and panicking. Eventually I moved from my chair to my bed, and I ended up staying there for about two weeks.
I was depressed. I knew that. Genny and Judy told me that when they visited. They tried to get me to get up, to shower, to eat, and I went through the motions of life, taking a bite of soup, relieving my bladder when I had to. But then I would just go back to bed and sleep or stare at the ceiling. My sisters visited, and even Clarissa came to check on me. Everyone asked me what was wrong, what had happened.
I told them nothing. What could I tell them anyways? No matter what it couldn’t be the whole truth. I had sworn on pain of death to never tell Sean’s secret. So when they asked me what was wrong, I just rolled over and shut them out because they couldn’t help me.
No one could help me.
Chapter 12
I could only stay in bed for two weeks because I had to show up for Genny’s wedding, and the rehearsal dinner and the other stuff that people who are getting married put their friends through. Everyone wanted to know where Sean was, and why he dropped off the face of the planet. His disappearance was a stress that Isaac didn’t need, since he had to find an extra man to stand up in the wedding. For the sake of expediency Paul was made best man, and some person I’d never met filled in as the 2nd groomsman.
When I could stop and think about Sean objectively, which was not often, I knew that he had not abandoned me. It was more than likely that his past had caught up with him. His life had been put in danger, and the FBI, doing their job, had stepped in, moving Sean out before he could be taken out. At the very least, I could assume that Sean was safe, wherever he was. I hoped, once the danger had abated, he would be allowed, or that he would just simply take the chance, and contact me. I would move heaven and earth to just talk to him; I hoped he felt the same way about me.
Especially since I was carrying his child. Not that he could know that.
I knew that if he did know, he’d likely be happy since he had expressed the strong desire of having a family. The problem was I didn’t know if I wanted to keep the baby. It was a problem that kept me awake at night and ate at me during the day.
I didn’t suffer from morning sickness, thank the lord, but strong smells did make me turn green and have to swallow several times. The morning of Genny’s wedding, as she and I and her mom Diana were driving to the hotel where the ceremony would take place, Genny finally guessed my secret. Well, my most pressing secret at least. She and Diana loved their perfumes, and both were wearing their unusual scents, which by themselves were pleasant enough, but together were a stomach churning mix of odiousness. Genny took one look at me trying not to hurl in her mother’s brand new Audi A4 and she snapped her fingers.
“Baby?” was all she asked. She thankfully kept her voice lowered.
I couldn’t speak. I just rolled down the window and nodded. “Strong smells,” I managed to whisper finally after I breathed in some fresh air and my stomach had calmed.
“Does he know?” Genny asked, referring to Sean.
I shook my head. “He disappeared before I even knew.”
Genny frowned. “Are you sure he just up and left you? Maybe something happened to him. Leaving’s not in his character, you know. He’s a good man. Or I thought he was a good man.”
I shook my head. Genny and Isaac had wanted to file a missing person’s report on Sean. I talked them out of it. “He moved out of his apartment,” I’d explained. “He wasn’t kidnapped.” Now I just said, “Maybe we didn’t know him as well as we thought. Everyone has secrets.”
Genny sighed unhappily and held my hand, squeezing it comfortingly. She said nothing more about Sean or about my condition, and it was exactly what I needed at that moment: non-judgmental comfort. Over the past two weeks, I had been telling myself over and over what a loser I was, what a failure, what a statistic I was. I am a whore, I’d say to myself. Nancy was right.
But Genny just held my hand, and it felt good to know that she didn’t think that about me. Instead, I thought to myself with a grim smile, it was Sean who she was likely plotting to murder, if she could ever get her hands on him.
“I’ll help you, okay?” she said to me after a while. “Isaac and I will be there for you all the way.”
“Thank you,” I whispered, my voice choked with gratitude.
“What are you two whispering about back there?” Diana asked. She was acting the chauffeur while we two girls sat in the back seat.
“Just trading pre-wedding secrets, mama,” Genny answered lightly. “That’s all.”
Well, I’m sure you’ll be happy to know that despite Sean’s absence and my depression, the wedding went off without a hitch that evening.
Paul and I waited in the lobby outside the chapel’s wide French doors for our turn to precede Genny and her m
other up the aisle while Genny and Isaac’s anal retentive and ultra repetitive wedding coordinator Fran, who was constantly harping on how the wedding must be perfect and we must all do our parts to make it so, whispered to us in her ‘You Are a Mindless Dunce’ voice, “Now Carrie, Paul, remember: Left together, right together, all the way up the aisle, nice and slow, and don’t rush it.”
I repressed a sigh and looked at Paul who rolled his eyes but still smiled cheerfully. Fran kept her eye on Quinn and the new groomsman, whose name was Todd Wallenchuck, and their respective bridesmaids as they walked up the aisle. When they got to a certain invisible point that only she was able to discern, Fran gestured for us to come around the corner. “And… go,” she whispered authoritatively.
Of course I started out on the wrong foot, despite the reminder. Maybe Fran was repetitive for a reason. Maybe she could spot a mindless dunce when she saw one.
I pasted a charming smile on my face, which despite my own personal circumstances, I found wasn’t difficult to achieve. I really was happy for my friend, and her wedding really was beautiful. I felt magnificent in my dress, and Paul was a nice guy to have to walk down an aisle with. I reminded myself that I could have gotten stuck with Quinn. My smile widened and became more genuine the closer we got to Isaac, who waited so impatiently, so nervously. He kept touching his forehead with a hankie to blot away sweat as Paul and I took up our places on either side of the dais where a minister waited calmly.
I watched Isaac’s face as he saw his wife-to-be start down the aisle. He was so in love with Genny; his whole demeanor changed when he saw her. He smiled and relaxed, and Genny smiled back at him. She was so beautiful in her ivory gown. The skirt was extremely full, and she looked like a princess coming towards her prince. I wondered at the way they looked at each other. They really loved each other, respected one another, liked one another. I couldn’t remember a single time when my dad had smiled at Nancy that way, like everything was better and brighter when they were near each other, like each one was a relief and support to the other.