by Noelle Adams
She was pretty and smiling and warmly clever. And Lucas was cold and trying to keep his hands from shaking.
Jill said hello to all of them, but her smile faded as she looked at Lucas. “What’s the matter?”
“Nothing.”
Her frown deepened, but to his relief, she didn’t press the point. She asked, “So where are we going to eat?”
They had a brief discussion before they decided on a little Greek place a few blocks away. When they started to walk, Michelle and Steve took the lead, and Jill fell in step beside Lucas.
She took his arm and looked up at him. “What’s the matter?”
“Nothing. I said that before.”
“Yeah, but you weren’t telling me the truth. You were fine, and then you weren’t. What happened?”
He hated himself for still feeling this way, even two years later.
He hated himself for being weak.
And he hated himself for letting Jill see exactly how weak he was.
He didn’t say anything.
Just like his family, Jill would believe that what had happened to him wasn’t big enough to justify his response to it. She wouldn’t understand why it had changed everything for him.
She would think he was foolish, and he didn’t want her to think that.
He wanted her to think he was…
“Lucas,” Jill murmured. “You’re worrying me.”
He took a deep breath and pulled himself together by nothing more than the force of his will. “Sorry. I’m really fine. It’s just one of those things.”
She was peering at him closely, and he smiled at her. He was starting to feel better.
This didn’t happen to him much.
Only occasionally did he still feel the impact, feel the bam.
He didn’t want it to be important to him anymore, so he didn’t want to make it important to Jill.
Things were already feeling far too serious to him with her.
If he told her, he’d never be able to drag himself away when it was time to leave.
Eight
THAT WEEKEND, LATE on Saturday morning, Jill was sitting at a table in a pretty corner of Tea for Two with Michelle and Chloe. Michelle had texted early that morning about another fight with Steve, so Chloe had called for an emergency summit over pastries.
They’d been hashing out Michelle’s relationship for almost an hour now, and they’d all fallen into a silence that was heavy, reluctant.
No one wanted to say the next thing.
Finally Michelle, who’d been tearing up on and off for a while now, put down her teacup and said, “I’m not ready to break up with him yet.”
“Well, then don’t,” Jill said quickly. “You love him. It makes sense to try to work through everything.”
“We’ve been working through things for months now, and it’s not getting better. It’s just getting worse. But still…” Her brown eyes were big and so sad.
“What about counseling or something?” Chloe asked in a tone far more serious than her typical flippant insouciance. “Do you think that would be worth a try?”
“Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t know if he’d go for that. He…” Michelle bit her lower lip. “I don’t know.”
“Well, talk to him about it,” Jill said, trying to sound encouraging although she’d seen the end coming for Michelle and Steve for a while now. She dreaded the breakup, but she was sure it was coming soon. “See what he says.”
“I will.” Michelle leaned back in her chair and fiddled with a napkin with both hands. “I really thought he was the real thing.”
“Maybe he is. It isn’t always easy. In fact, relationships are never easy. He might be the real thing.” Jill felt terrible as she said the words because she cared about Steve so much. He was her friend, and it felt like she was talking behind his back.
But Michelle had been her friend first. Michelle would always be first to her.
“All right,” Michelle said, her expression clearing into something approximating a smile. “We need to talk about something else now.”
“Okay,” Chloe said, leaning forward and slanting Jill a look that was almost mischievous. “I want to talk about Lucas.”
Jill’s stomach twisted sickeningly.
If Chloe was about to announce that she suddenly had the hots for Lucas, Jill might be sick.
She’d still never told her friends about having sex with Lucas. She wasn’t even sure why. But Chloe didn’t know about it, and Lucas was a very attractive man. Only a fool wouldn’t be interested in him.
“What about him?” Jill asked carefully.
“Are you doing him or not?” Chloe asked as blandly as if she were asking about the traffic.
Jill froze. “What?”
“You heard me. Tell us the truth. I say you are, but Michelle said you couldn’t be because you would have told us. So what is it for real?” Chloe’s dark eyes were sparkling with interest.
Michelle was smiling now too, obviously relieved to think about something other than her own relationship. “We know something’s going on, so don’t even bother to deny it. We’re just not sure exactly what.”
Jill broke out of her frozen stance at last and kind of slumped forward against the table, almost taking down her empty teacup in the process. “Oh shit.”
“Ha!” Chloe exclaimed. “I’m vindicated. You are doing him, aren’t you?”
“I’m not doing him,” Jill insisted in a harsh whisper, glancing around the shop. It was fairly busy at the moment, but there wasn’t anyone she recognized except Emma, who ran the office she worked for, and Emma’s handsome husband, who were sitting together in a far corner. Carol was working in the kitchen, and Ginny, who co-owned Tea for Two, was working the counter. No one was listening to what Jill was saying right now.
“You’re not?” Michelle asked.
“Well…” Jill cleared her throat. “I have done him. A couple of times. But it’s not currently happening.”
Chloe gave a little squeal, and Michelle leaned forward to demand, “Tell us everything. Tell us right now.”
So Jill finally told them. Everything. About meeting Lucas in the bar that night. About going back to his hotel room. About him showing up the next morning as her new roommate. About having sex with him again at the wedding. And then again. And then again. About how she wasn’t going to sleep with him anymore—no matter how much she wanted to.
“Why didn’t you tell us?” Chloe asked. “You’ve been going through all this on your own.”
“I know. I know. I don’t know why. I should have.” Jill rubbed at her face, feeling guilty and confused. “I was just… just embarrassed, I guess.”
“Embarrassed about what?”
“That I know he’s not for me. I know it. And I… still can’t seem to resist him.”
“No one in the world could blame you for not being able to resist that man. I mean his shoulders alone.” Chloe gave an exaggerated shiver. “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”
“And how do you know he’s not for you? I’ve always thought he seemed pretty crazy about you,” Michelle added.
“Really?” Jill’s voice squeaked slightly, and she hated herself for it.
“Yes, really. But I thought maybe you’d told him it could never happen. I mean, he’s not really your type. He doesn’t have a job or anything. He doesn’t have his life together. I thought maybe he was into you, you told him no, and he just hadn’t gotten over it. I didn’t know you actually like him.”
Jill sighed. “I do. He’s… pretty amazing. You’re right about him not having his life together, but I’ve been trying not to be so rigid about that kind of thing. Like we were talking about before. It’s really more than that. He doesn’t want a serious relationship. He’s actively against them. He’ll never be able to make me happy and give me what I want. And yet I can’t seem to… to move on, get over him. It’s… embarrassing.”
“It’s normal,” Chloe said firmly. “You ca
n’t always tell your heart how to feel.”
“But you can tell your will to make choices you know are right.” Jill was utterly serious about this, and her tone reflected it. “I can’t try to convince myself he might change later on, so I should just take the little pieces he’s willing to give me right now.”
“No,” Michelle said. “You’d end up getting really hurt.”
“I know. I know. It’s already hard enough. Can you imagine how I’d feel if I hooked up with him for a couple of months until he finally up and left? I’d be… crushed. I’ve got to move on. I’ve got to.” She swallowed hard, knowing as she said the words that they were absolutely true. “He doesn’t want what I want. He’s not for me.”
“He’s an idiot,” Chloe muttered. “He might seem like a smart guy, but he’s an idiot.”
Jill couldn’t help but chuckle, feeling better despite herself. “He’s not really. There’s no rule that says all guys have to want committed relationships. Or all women for that matter. He’s always been honest about it. He’s never tried to manipulate me or use me. At all. He just… won’t budge.”
“So what we need to do is help you move on,” Michelle said. “You need to focus on someone other than Lucas.”
Chloe nodded. “Is there anyone at all you’ve had your eye on?”
Jill gave a twisted little smile.
“There is!” Chloe gasped. “Who is it?”
“I’ve been talking to Hal again. I know we kind of drifted apart, but he’s a really nice guy. I’ve been wondering if I should maybe try it again.”
“Are you interested in him?” Michelle asked.
“Eh,” Jill admitted. Before her friends could reply, she added, “But that’s the problem. I’m not interested in anyone but Lucas. And I have to be. I have to be. I can’t just sit around and… hope he’ll change.”
“No,” Chloe agreed. “You should at least try to move on. If you like Hal well enough, it would be worth another try with him. At least he’d be a start.”
“And you never know. Maybe Hal’s been the one for you all this time, and you just got tangled up with Lucas on your way to someone else.” That was Michelle, sounding as encouraging as Jill had been with her earlier.
Jill hoped it was true, but at the moment she couldn’t believe it.
Getting tangled up with Lucas had been one of the best things in her whole life.
She wanted to stay tangled up with him—forever if he’d let her.
But she wasn’t going to pour herself out for a man who would only give her pieces of himself.
She’d done that once.
And she already knew that Lucas had the power to crush her far more completely than Ted ever had.
He wouldn’t mean to. He would never intend to hurt her.
But he’d end up doing it anyway.
THE FOLLOWING SATURDAY, Jill had a date.
With Hal—whom Lucas had thought was out of her life for good.
But somehow the guy had weaseled his way back in, and Jill was letting him do it.
Jill mentioned the date as she ate her cereal on Saturday morning. She mentioned it as if it were no big deal.
Lucas hadn’t been expecting it, and he’d asked a bunch of questions about how and why this date had developed. He’d kept asking until Steve had finally told him to get a grip and leave Jill alone. It was just a fucking date.
Steve was right. Jill had every right to go out with anyone she wanted.
But Lucas hated the idea.
He hated the idea so much he brooded about it all day.
He’d been hoping she might decide to have sex with him again soon, but clearly her thoughts were drifting in another direction.
Hal’s direction—with his too-long hair and his hipster glasses and his obvious adoration of Jill.
If she dated him this time, it was going to take. Lucas knew it as surely as he knew the moment his life had changed two years ago. She would end up marrying him. She’d kick the rest of them out of this apartment and share it with Hal instead. They’d end up having a couple of kids to fill the other bedrooms.
She’d have what she wanted. A forever home. A forever man. A forever family.
And Lucas would never be part of it.
He stayed at the gym for almost three hours that day, trying to work off his angst and get his head on straight again.
He should care about what was best for Jill, and Hal was obviously it.
Lucas couldn’t give her what she needed.
Lucas would never deserve her.
It was better this way. He knew it was.
Lucas was going to be leaving town in a couple of months, and he would never look back.
But he still hated it.
He hated every part of it.
He hated the picture of Jill with Hal, the image he couldn’t get out of his mind.
So he was dead on his feet from working himself to exhaustion in the gym and still stewing about Jill’s upcoming date at almost seven that evening when she was getting ready.
Michelle was taking a bath, and Steve was sitting on a couch with his laptop.
Lucas had been sitting too, staring blindly at the television, while Jill puttered about getting ready.
She was dressed up for Hal. She was wearing a sexy little dress and her high socks with the pink bows on them.
Lucas bristled at the sight.
She’d worn those socks the first night they’d had sex.
It felt like they should be only for him.
He was giving himself a mental lecture to be good, to not say a word, to not get in her way. But when she came into the kitchen, searching the countertop for something, Lucas got to his feet.
His muscles ached from too much exercise, but he ignored them. He walked into the kitchen. “What are you looking for?”
“My earrings with the pink and silver beads on them. Have you seen them?”
“No.”
“I thought I might have taken them off the other day when I was sitting here, but I can’t find them anywhere.” She gave the counter one last scan with her eyes but then evidently gave up. She looked back up at Lucas and was evidently surprised that he was standing so close to her.
Very close.
Almost trapping her against the counter.
“Oh no,” she said, her voice very low. “Don’t you dare.”
“Don’t I dare what?” His voice was more guttural than it should have been but just as soft as hers.
“Don’t you dare do this again. Get all bristly and possessive. I’m going out with Hal, Lucas. I’m doing it.”
“I know you are.” He told himself to back up, but he couldn’t seem to follow through. She smelled so good, so much like Jill, and every part of her was deliciously touchable.
But he wasn’t allowed to touch.
“It’s going to happen this time,” she said, her eyes almost fierce as she met his gaze.
“Maybe,” he said. “Or maybe you’ll decide he’s boring and you’ll come back and fall in bed with me.”
Her cheeks flushed, but her eyes narrowed. “I’m not doing that anymore,” she murmured, so softly there was no way Steve could hear across the room. “Sex with you was good, but it wasn’t enough for me. I told you that from the beginning. You can’t be surprised or offended that I’m moving on at last.”
Lucas was all wound up again. His heart was hammering, and adrenaline was coursing through his veins. It was taking all the control he possessed not to grab her and kiss her and fuck her right there against the counter. He wanted to so much. “I’m not surprised. Or offended.”
“Then why are you standing there bristling about it?”
“Am I supposed to be happy? We had an arrangement.”
“What arrangement?” she snapped, so angry now she spoke a little too loud. Evidently realizing it, she continued more softly, “You think that was a good arrangement for me? Here I am in all my manly glory. You get to fuck me occasionally if you feel lik
e it, but you don’t get anything else from me. Was I supposed to swoon that you offered me even that little bit?”
“No, you weren’t supposed to swoon,” Lucas growled. “What kind of asshole do you think I am?”
“I think you’re the kind of asshole who’s looming over me right now, all bristly that I’m going out with another man, when he’s never offered me anything he knows I want. That’s the kind of asshole I think you are.”
Lucas blinked, the truth of what she was saying hitting him unexpectedly. He would have taken a step back so he wasn’t cornering her this way, but he was momentarily frozen.
Jill was on a roll. “Do you want to be my boyfriend, Lucas?”
He stared at her, paralyzed by the question, paralyzed by the answer—the true answer—that had sprung immediately into his mind.
Yes. That was what he wanted.
“That’s what I thought,” she hissed, before he could get anything said. “You don’t want to be my boyfriend. You don’t want anything from me but sex. And it’s not enough for me. You know it. You’ve always known it. And I’m not going to change my mind and suddenly decide that sex without any feelings is going to make me happy. It’s not going to make me happy, and it never will. So I’m going out with Hal tonight. And I’m going to move on from this thing with you. I’m going to have sex with Hal. I’m going to do it, Lucas. Tonight. So you better rein in your horses and figure out how to accept it. Act like a decent human being, and let me try to find something and someone who is able to make me happy. Because it’s never going to be you. It’s never going to be you!” She sucked in a ragged breath before she added, “Please.”
He was still frozen, still staring at her blindly. Her pretty face and angry eyes blurred slightly and never grew clear again.
He did manage to take a step back eventually, and Jill ducked her head and hurried out of the kitchen.
She’d never found her earrings.
Lucas stood there in front of the counter for minute after minute. He was still standing there when Jill came through again, calling out a general goodbye and that they shouldn’t be worried if she wasn’t back until morning.
She didn’t really look at Lucas again.
She was going to have sex with Hal.