by Bronwyn Sell
HARRY: Hey that’s cool.
SOPHIA: That my mother’s complaining?
HARRY: No, definitely no. I mean that shrug thing.
SOPHIA: Oh okay.
HARRY: I don’t get on the internet much.
SOPHIA: Evidently.
HARRY: Anyway, logistics aside, how are you holding up?
SOPHIA: Being brave. Still getting that sad little surprise at waking up alone every morning.
HARRY: Yeah, that sucks.
SOPHIA: I swear. Every single morning. What is that? Is it like your memory doesn’t kick in until you’ve been awake two minutes? We’ve decided to put the house up for sale so maybe moving on will help.
HARRY: So you guys didn’t get back together?
SOPHIA: He wanted to but no.
HARRY: Tough call?
SOPHIA: Huge. Still don’t know if it’s the right one. But it turns out it’s hard to go back once your fiancé ruins your wedding. Made us second-guess every single thing about the relationship, and it didn’t stand up to that level of scrutiny. It was like my lizard brain wanted us to get back together but long-term that wasn’t going to be the right choice.
HARRY: So you swam out with the rip?
SOPHIA: Still swimming. But I’ve finally stopped fighting the current, so that’s a bonus. The tipping point was when I realised that if we got back together, I would probably always have a fear in the back of my mind that he’d freak out and do it again one day.
HARRY: That’s not a good way to live.
SOPHIA: Maybe I was just in love with the idea of him …
HARRY: Is that right?
SOPHIA: The hardest bit is accepting that the whole marriage and kids thing might not be for me. And I’m still not there yet but maybe that’ll be fine. A mindset thing, I guess.
HARRY: A lever, not a switch?
SOPHIA: Exactly. Plenty of people have fabulous lives without having children. But first you kind of have to free yourself from that expectation. And if I hear one more person tell me about the woman they know who thought it was all over and then met a guy at forty and proceeded to pop out three babies without any problem …
HARRY: I can see how that could get annoying.
SOPHIA: And how are you? How’s that fantasy island of yours?
HARRY: Saving the world one turtle at a time. I’m standing on the pontoon. Was trying to get the boat started, and thought of you. How’s work?
SOPHIA: Absurdly busy, so that’s good. I’m here now. Looking straight at that photo you took of me on the boat, in fact. Before we got stranded.
HARRY: That’s a nice photo.
SOPHIA: It makes me happy, even though it’s in the frame I bought for the wedding photo that I’d planned to have sitting on my desk by now.
HARRY: You really had thought things through.
SOPHIA: You have no idea. I’ll show you my spreadsheet one day. Argh—a client’s just arrived. Thanks so much for checking in. REALLY nice to hear your voice. (See your voice?)
HARRY: You too. Keep me posted on OGYST.
SOPHIA: Okay, that took me far too long to figure out. Looked like something gynaecological.
HARRY: Ha ha. I’m serious—about keeping me posted.
SOPHIA: I will. Thanks. Honestly—thanks. Means a lot.
HARRY:
AMY: How many mojitos and Sazeracs did we say?
CARMEN: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????
AMY: […]
CARMEN: TYPE FASTER. I NEED DETAILS!!!!
AMY: […]
CARMEN: I’m dying here!!
AMY: He made me dinner last night. And one thing led to another thing and another thing and several other things. And it was just, uh, so good. And fun! Better than last time because we know each other so much better, you know?
AMY: Sorry, internet’s back but it’s sloooow.
CARMEN: And now I’M feeling the pull by proxy. The Pull By Proxy. That’s so cool! I knew he’d come round eventually.
AMY: No, it’s not cool. It’s terrible.
CARMEN: Really? Is it all awkward again?
AMY: Not exactly awkward.
CARMEN: It wasn’t only last night, was it?
AMY: Um.
CARMEN: Morning glory?
AMY: And midday magic (if that’s not a thing, I’m trademarking it) and afternoon delight. He met me for lunch and then we popped back home, er, briefly.
CARMEN: Egads!
AMY: But I think that’s it. Just getting it out of our system.
CARMEN: O-kay.
AMY: WHY DO YOU SAY IT LIKE THAT?
CARMEN: Coz I’m assuming it was pretty effing good, seeing as you went back for seconds and thirds within 24 hours. Hang on, no—seconds and thirds and fourths. That’s not getting anything out of your system. More like setting up a whole new system. And what’s the plan for tonight? Fifths and sixths?
AMY: He’s doing an overnight shift, which is good. I need sleep. Kinda need to process this.
CARMEN: You said there was nothing to process! It’s out of your system now, remember?
AMY: I may be having lover’s remorse.
CARMEN: Uh-oh.
AMY: Coz now we have to start all over with the step-siblings thing.
CARMEN: Who says you do?
AMY: It’s not like he’s suddenly decided he wants a relationship. We agreed this would be just friends with benefits. Housemates with benefits. Just one night.
CARMEN: That wasn’t a one-nighter, that was a 24-hour pass. Was that part of the step-siblings-with-benefits agreement?
AMY: Can we please not use the words siblings and benefits in the same sentence? And yeah, I think it’s covered by the same terms and conditions. Just an extension of the initial contract.
CARMEN: Let me guess. They were *his* T&Cs?
AMY: Mutually agreed but yeah, he’s too nice to lead me on.
CARMEN: And all this isn’t him leading you on?
AMY: Not if we both know what it is.
CARMEN: Really?
AMY: Stop making me doubt myself.
CARMEN: I wouldn’t be making you doubt yourself if you weren’t already making yourself doubt yourself.
AMY: ???
CARMEN: Gotta go. Mika is begging me to take her to the pool before dinner. She’s been wearing her goggles for like three hours.
AMY: Cuuuute. I want a photo.
CARMEN: Keep me posted, k? Vicarious sex is as close as I’m gonna get. Even if it’s with my brother (eew).
AMY: Shut up. And there won’t be anything more to tell.
CARMEN: Get some sleep and don’t overthink it.
AMY: Too late. Give Mika a huge squeezy hug for me.
CARMEN: Give Josh a huge squeezy hug from me
AMY: Eew, he’s your brother!!
HARRY: How did the big move go? How’s the new apartment?
SOPHIA: Cool! Boxes everywhere. Can’t figure out how to turn the oven on. But it feels good to have a fresh start. The last five months has felt like a year.
HARRY: Know what you mean. Speaking of which, I’m coming to Sydney for a marine conservation conference …
SOPHIA: Really? When?
HARRY: Next weekend. A last-minute thing. They had a speaker pull out and my old professor is on the committee.
SOPHIA: Will you have time to catch up?
HARRY: Love to. Just looking at the schedule now.
HARRY: Thursday night?
SOPHIA. Hold the line, caller, while I bring up my calendar.
SOPHIA: Stink, Thursday’s not gonna work. I could do Friday after four? Sneak away from work early?
HARRY: Friday is wall-to-wall networking. Literally from breakfast to midnight. Saturday? Looks like I have a break mid-arvo until about seven?
SOPHIA: Damn, it’s my parents’ fortieth wedding anniversary—they’re having a massive lunch at the house. I won’t be back in Sydney until seven—and even that’d be pushing it. Sunday?
HARRY: I’m manning (personing?) a stand
all day about the island’s sustainability, and then I fly out at four.
SOPHIA: They’re really getting their money’s worth.
HARRY: Ha ha ha. Money??? I’m in the wrong industry for that. But they’re paying my expenses. Could do breakfast on Sunday, if you don’t mind getting up at stupid o’clock.
SOPHIA: Perfect.
HARRY: Or, actually …
SOPHIA: ?
HARRY: […]
SOPHIA: You still there?
SOPHIA: Have you been eaten by a goanna?
SOPHIA: Or one of those goats? They looked pretty crafty. If they teamed up …
SOPHIA: IT’S THOSE MARAUDING STARFISH, ISN’T IT?
HARRY: This might sound crazy but do you want to be my plus-one at this awards dinner thing on the Saturday night? I wasn’t going to take anyone because it’ll be dry as dust but if you don’t mind being bored?
HARRY: Tempting offer, I know.
SOPHIA: Depends. Will you be wearing the suit you wore to the wedding?
HARRY: Does that count as black tie?
SOPHIA: Ooh, close but even better. You in a tux? I’m DEFIFNITELY coming.
SOPHIA: Definidly.
SOPHIA: Gah.
HARRY: Well that sucks.
HARRY: I mean, having to wear a tuxedo sucks—not that you’re coming with me. That part definitely doesn’t suck.
SOPHIA: It definitly doesn’t.
SOPHIA: Oh good grief.
SOPHIA: And I meant the tuxedo thing doesn’t suck! And coming with you doesn’t suck, either. Sheesh.
HARRY: Is black tie like white shirt and black bow tie?
SOPHIA: At the least. A friend of mine owns a suit-hire company here. I’ll send you his details. He knows the etiquette. Tell him the exact wording of the invite and send him a pic of your current suit and he’ll sort you out.
HARRY: You don’t mind if it’s mindnumbingly boring?
SOPHIA: You in a tuxedo is the opposite of boring.
HARRY: I don’t know how to do a blush emoticon thingo so you’ll have to imagine one.
SOPHIA:
HARRY: Show-off.
SOPHIA:
HARRY: That’s all I can do. Or a or a . It’s the entire extent of my emotional range.
HARRY: My emoticonal range.
SOPHIA:
HARRY: Stop it.
CARMEN: Soooo. For Christmas. Do you and Josh want me to book you a room together? I’m assuming you don’t want to share with Mum. I might even be able to secure a villa.
AMY: Nah. Too weird with the olds around.
CARMEN: Are you guys not doing the with-benefits thing anymore?
AMY: Ohhhhhh we’re still doing it.
CARMEN: Aims, it’s been like three months.
AMY: I know?
CARMEN: I recall a certain little sister of mine saying that if she got into another friends-with-benefits situation I should stage an intervention.
AMY: Ha ha. That won’t be necessary.
CARMEN: Does anyone else know about you guys?
AMY: No. Plenty of our friends suspect.
CARMEN: And why would they suspect?
AMY: I seriously don’t know. It’s not like we do PDAs, not when people we know are around. And of course Dad and Sanjay have NO idea and we need to keep it that way.
CARMEN: What do you do in public when people you know aren’t around? Or do I not want to know?
AMY: Nah, he just holds my hand. *melts*
CARMEN: I’m 99% certain friends with benefits don’t hold hands.
AMY: Do they cuddle on the sofa every night and cook dinner for each other and never go on dates with anyone else? Do they go dancing at clubs together, just the two of them, and come home at dawn and snuggle up for the whole day?
CARMEN: Your field of expertise not mine but I wouldn’t have thought so.
AMY: He gets so cuddly afterwards. It’s so cute.
CARMEN: Let me find an online quiz.
AMY: On what?
CARMEN: On whether you’re friends with benefits or it’s the real deal. First question…
AMY: There’s an online quiz on that?
CARMEN: There’s an online quiz on everything. There’s like 31 million results for my search.
AMY: Who makes these things?
CARMEN: I think it’s a real job now. Anyway, first question.
CARMEN: ‘Do you talk and cuddle?’ Well, we already covered that off so I’ll give that a big old yes. Next question. ‘Do you have private jokes?’
AMY: Oh yeah.
CARMEN: So that’s a tick for, ‘We have our own language.’ Next. ‘Do you hang out with each other’s friends as a twosome?’
AMY: I’m his plus-one and he’s mine, so yeah, though we just go as friends, of course.
CARMEN: I’m choosing, ‘People keep asking when the wedding is.’
AMY: They do! How funny. All jokes, of course.
CARMEN: Ha ha ha. I don’t need to ask if you’ve met each other’s families. Moving right along. ‘Do you talk about other people you’re into?’
AMY: Never!
CARMEN: Related to above. ‘Do you get jealous of other girls he hangs out with?’
AMY: He doesn’t really know that many people here.
CARMEN: What about that firefighter you told me about?
AMY: Oh her. Yeah.
CARMEN: So, do I tick, ‘He’s probably screwing around but I don’t really know or care,’ or, ‘I would publish nude pics of him on the internet if he slept with someone else.’
AMY: Better go with the latter. If this is going to be scientifically rigorous.
CARMEN: I’m sure it is. Do you have nude pics?
AMY: Of course not! That’s not a question. You’re making it up.
CARMEN: Here’s an obvious one. ‘Is he good in bed?’ I’m gonna go right ahead and tick, ‘Hubba hubba!’
AMY: How would you know?
CARMEN: I’m giving you the credit for not going back again and again and again and again if he wasn’t.
AMY: Fair call.
CARMEN: ‘What birth control are you using?’
AMY: Is this you asking or the quiz?
CARMEN: The quiz.
AMY: I’m on the pill but we use condoms too.
CARMEN: Ruh-roh.
AMY: Why ruh-roh?
CARMEN: I think the correct answer is, ‘Just the pill/injection/IUD because we went to the clinic together and got tested and we’re monogamous.’
AMY: The *correct* answer?
CARMEN: Or there’s, ‘No contraception because we’re trying for a family with benefits.’
AMY: Eew, poor wording.
CARMEN: Yours falls under, ‘We’re still using condoms because we’re pretending it’s temporary.’ So that’s an obvious fail.
AMY: It’s almost as if you’re gunning for a certain result here. The interviewer’s bias may skew the scientific accuracy.
CARMEN: ‘Do you go out for dinner, just the two of you?’
AMY: We don’t go out together as much as stay in, but he sometimes meets me for a picnic lunch if he’s working night shifts—and he brings the picnic.
CARMEN: Seriously, girl, how could any woman not be in love?
AMY: Yeah, so maybe my stupid brain is building it up to be something it’s not, but his isn’t.
CARMEN: How do you know it’s not a something, and how do you know what he’s thinking?
AMY: Because he tells me ALL THE TIME.
CARMEN: Methinks the gentleman protesteth too much.
AMY: Protesteth?
CARMEN: There’s an eth in it somewhere.
AMY: It’s more that he keeps saying that we can stop anytime I want, if it’s getting too intense.
CARMEN: If???
AMY: Uh yeah, it’s kinda way past that. For me, anyway.
CARMEN: Oh, sis.
AMY: The way I figure it, I’ll get my heart broken at some point. I might as well delay that point as long as possible and enjoy this
while it lasts. Everything’s temporary, right? Life is temporary. Some things are just more temporary than others.
CARMEN: You never were one for ripping off the sticking plaster. You used to leave those things on until they rotted.
AMY: And they only seemed to get stickier. We had superglue plasters back then. These days, they fall off if you sneeze.
CARMEN: So, you’re a wimp and he’s a rotting plaster.
AMY: Is that the peer-reviewed scientific analysis?
CARMEN: Adding a question of my own here. Are you happy?
AMY: Alternately euphoric and miserable.
CARMEN: What’s the time limit on this thing? Could it go on for years?
AMY: No way. I keep telling myself I’ll call it off, and I will, but I keep putting it off. We both do. We’re basically just procrastinating. The sex is too good. Hanging out is too good. He’s like all the best friends I ever had, but way better, and a lover too.
CARMEN: That’s the exact definition of friends with benefits. You need more.
AMY: It’s not like I have the choice.
CARMEN: Are you secretly thinking that this time it’ll be different? That he’ll eventually come round?
AMY: Um … no?
AMY: Yes?
AMY: Maybe?
AMY: No. Definitely no.
CARMEN: Gotta go. Wedding couple here for a scheduling meeting. But I’m gonna copy and paste this quiz result. It’s interesting.
CARMEN: Pseudo relationship. Stop the masochistic torture and admit to yourself—and to your boyfriend (because that’s what he is, duh)—that you’re in love with him. What’s the worst that could happen? And if he dumps you, he’s just been playing you all along and you need to hold out for a guy who’ll respect you and give you what you need. You deserve him or you deserve more. If he’s not going to give you the former, you need to choose the latter. Stop settling for less.
AMY: Ye gods.
SOPHIA: Hi stranger! Sorry for stalking you on social media but do you have Harry’s number? Like a real phone number with digits and stuff? Where you enter the number into your mobile telephone and it dials and rings and you hear each other’s voices in real time.
AMY: Oh, I think I know what you mean. I’ll give it to you if you tell me why you need it.
SOPHIA: He’s in Sydney and we’re meeting up tonight and I’ve just figured out I can meet him earlier but he’s not answering his messages coz he’s at a conference and he’s probably really busy and not online so I figure it’s better to call.