by Bronwyn Sell
SOPHIA: And this is all wild speculation anyway coz it’s not like anything is really happening between us.
AMY: And what does he think?
SOPHIA: Same as me, I guess. Not making any promises.
AMY: You know, it’s probably possible to be happy and in love but not always physically with the person. You could just choose to have the happiness, couldn’t you? Would it not be enough just to know that it’s there, that he’s there, even when he’s not *there* there? SOPHIA. Um?
AMY: I’m living vicariously here, okay? You guys should be together. Even if you’re not literally together. It kind of drives me nuts that you’re not seeing this. IT’S SO OBVIOUS. I want you for a cousin-in-law, so can you please work something out?
SOPHIA: xx
SANJAY: Josh! You’re not answering your phone. Carmen says you’re not going to the island for Christmas. Since when?
JOSH: Yeah. Working. Sorry.
SANJAY: You know Pippa’s going up?
JOSH: What???
SANJAY: I just booked her ticket.
JOSH: How did you convince her of that?
SANJAY: They’ve hired her to take some shots for their marketing material and it’s a good time of year to go because it’s the off-season so the beaches will be empty and they’ll have time to set up food and pool shoots and things.
JOSH: Nice work.
SANJAY: Nothing to do with me. It’s the second time they’ve asked her up there since the wedding. They love her work. Which is not surprising.
JOSH: I know. I think she even enjoyed the last trip. She sent me happy selfies. Well, she wasn’t exactly *smiling* but …
SANJAY: She’s going to stay with Rosa. She’s genuinely excited about something so that’s good. It’ll be great not to have to worry about her.
JOSH: I’m stoked she’s going!
SANJAY: Me too. I thought we were all going to be together for once.
JOSH: Sorry. Out of my hands.
SANJAY: She won’t be happy either.
JOSH: I’ll talk to her.
JOSH: I hear you’re going to the island for Christmas? That’s great.
PIPPA: I hope it will be. I’m only going because you’ll be there.
JOSH: Uh, I’m sorry, I have to work. I can’t go.
PIPPA: What?
JOSH: Roster changes. Sanjay said you were going to be working up there anyway.
PIPPA: You know what he’s like. Always trying to make pleasure about business.
JOSH: Would you have agreed to go if it was just for Christmas?
PIPPA: Maybe. If you were going. I’ll cancel. He paid a silly amount of money for a flexi fare so it should be okay.
JOSH: No! Don’t! You should go.
PIPPA: They’re not my family. You are. I want to be with you.
JOSH: But I’m working.
PIPPA: I assume it’s not a 24-hour shift?? And I guess Amy will be at the island so can I come and stay in your flat?
JOSH: Er. I moved out.
PIPPA: Really? I’m so behind.
JOSH: Staying on a friend’s sofa ATM.
PIPPA: What’s a sofa ATM?
JOSH: ATM = At the moment. You should go up tho. Please?
PIPPA: Not on your life. It would be uncomfortable enough if you were there. Without you … Just no way. We can get a hotel in Melbourne if you don’t have a new place by then. I’ll work around you. I don’t care if we have Christmas dinner at three in the morning.
JOSH: Please go up. You’ll have a good time. I’ll just be working and sleeping.
PIPPA: And alone, at Christmas.
JOSH: And I’ll feel happier if I know you’re not sitting alone in a hotel room while I’m at work.
PIPPA: No way am I doing Christmas without my little boy. Why did you move out of Amy’s?
JOSH: It didn’t really work out.
PIPPA: Please tell me you didn’t go there again.
PIPPA: Josh?
PIPPA: How bad is it?
JOSH: Bad.
PIPPA: And that’s why you cancelled Christmas.
JOSH: Yep. I screwed everything up, Ma. Just like you said I would.
JOSH: You there?
PIPPA: Hold that thought. Just texting your dad to tell him to cancel my flight.
JOSH: Don’t. Please.
PIPPA: It’s done. I’ll book for Melbourne tonight. Flights and a hotel. But maybe no Patrick Swayze this year.
PIPPA: I had suspected you and Amy were together.
JOSH: How?
PIPPA: You seem happier. You looked happier—on the computer screen, at least. And Sanjay says you’ve come into your own over there. ‘On top of the world’ were his words. He said he’s never seen you so bouncy.
JOSH: Bouncy?
PIPPA: Direct quote. That’s when I knew it had to be something real. I want you with someone who makes you bouncy. Sure you can’t fix things with her?
JOSH: Sure.
PIPPA: Gotta run. On a shoot.
JOSH: Don’t tell Sanjay about Amy, and about me moving out.
PIPPA: Since when have I told your father anything? Though it’s a relief to be talking to him again. Love you no matter how many hearts you break xxx
AMY: Nice tux, Hazza.
HARRY: ???
AMY: Sophia showed me a pic.
HARRY: Did she now?
AMY: You should marry her. You guys are perfect for each other. I would dote over your babies.
HARRY: Sure, in a parallel life.
AMY: So MAKE your lives parallel, dipshit.
HARRY: Easy, tiger!
AMY: Sorry. But jeez.
HARRY: Just heard about Josh not coming for Christmas. That’s a shame.
AMY: He isn’t? Did he say why?
HARRY: I thought you’d know that.
AMY: We’re not housemates anymore. Or anything else.
HARRY: Ah. You okay?
AMY: Working through it. Don’t tell anyone.
HARRY: Course not. So you guys hooked up?
AMY: Friends with benefits. Unofficially hooked up, then unofficially unhooked. Usual story. Except that now I’ve ruined his chances of being part of the family. He was so excited about Christmas. Has been buying presents for everyone since like September. I told him he didn’t have to, that we do Secret Santa, but it’s a novelty for him.
HARRY: What did he get me?
AMY: No idea. Just saw the list of names. Even Reg.
HARRY: He’s working Christmas now. Josh, I mean. Not Reg.
AMY: Did he say that?
HARRY: He told Carmen.
AMY: Really.
HARRY: Is that suspicion I sense?
AMY: I know for a fact he’s not working Christmas.
HARRY: You sure?
AMY: Yup. I’ve made friends with one of his workmates. She was complaining last night at ten pin that she’s going to be stuck with just the old guys right through Christmas.
HARRY: Strange.
AMY: Not really. This is on me.
HARRY: His mum was going to come too and she’s cancelled and Sanjay is changing his flights so he’s not coming until Boxing Day now, and Carmen’s in a flap trying to rejig catering and accommodation and stuff.
AMY: Ah, that’s why she hasn’t messaged me back today. Waaah! I’ve messed things up.
HARRY: Takes two to mess things up.
AMY: Nah, Josh was clear from the beginning on what he wanted—what he didn’t want. It was me who broke the pact. I did it again, Hazza. I fell in love with a guy who just wanted to be friends, and I broke my own heart. Because I am a genius like that.
HARRY: Don’t feel bad for asking for what you want, little cousie.
AMY: But enough about me coz that’s way too depressing. I want to know about you and Sophia.
HARRY […]
AMY: Earth to Harry?
HARRY: Sorry, I keep on starting to write something and deleting it. I dunno. She’s amazing. She’s everything. But it’s not going to work
out.
AMY: Don’t feel bad for asking for what you want, little cousie.
HARRY: Little cousie?
AMY: I copied and pasted that from up above.
HARRY: Ah. I see what you did there. You threw my words back in my face.
AMY: YOU DIDN’T *SEE* WHAT I DID THERE. I TOLD YOU WHAT I DID THERE!
HARRY: Ha ha. True.
AMY: So, what do you want?
HARRY: Pizza and a beer.
AMY: Hazza…
HARRY: I want…
HARRY […]
AMY: *taps fingernails*
HARRY: […]
AMY: *whistles*
HARRY: […]
AMY: FFS!!!
HARRY: I want her but I can’t have her. There.
AMY: How many words did you just delete to end up with that?
HARRY: Took me a while to figure it out. But there you have it.
AMY: Are you sure you can’t have her?
HARRY: Not in a way it can work.
AMY: Are you in love with her?
HARRY: Stop trying to turn me into a girl.
AMY: Stop trying to sound like Cody.
HARRY: Ouch.
AMY: So answer the question. Are you in love?
HARRY: […]
AMY: I’m gonna go ahead and take that as a yes.
HARRY: I could be, if I let myself. But I’m not letting myself. And she’s not letting herself. Coz if we were together, one of us would have to give up everything else. And long-distance relationships suck. End of story.
AMY: Repeat after me: I am in love with her.
HARRY: How can you still be so idealistic?
AMY: Humour me.
HARRY: I am in love with her.
AMY: And it’s true, isn’t it?
HARRY: Yeah. It’s true. In theory.
AMY: And how many times in your life have you felt for a woman what you feel for her?
HARRY: Look, Aims, I get that you’re trying to help, but it’s not as easy as ‘I like her and she likes me so all our problems are magically solved.’
AMY: But it could be, right? Remember taking a risk?
HARRY: Remember how taking a risk turned out for both of us?
AMY: True. It just makes me mad that you guys are obviously so perfect for each other but you’re too scared to go there. But who am I to dish up advice? Maybe I *should* have been more scared to go there. Maybe this feel-the-fear-and-do-it-anyway stuff is all bollocks.
HARRY: Fear is instinctive. If we didn’t listen to it, we’d all walk off cliffs onto rocks.
AMY: You should write a self-help book.
HARRY: Feel the Fear.
HARRY: That’s it, the full title.
AMY: I’d buy that.
HARRY: So what do you want, with Josh?
AMY: I want him but I can’t have him.
HARRY: I see what you did there. Are you sure you can’t have him?
AMY: I’m sure. He said as much.
HARRY: Well that sucks. Let’s get drunk at Christmas.
AMY: I like how you always solve my problems. But I do wish Josh was coming for Christmas, despite everything. And his parents. It’s not fair that I screwed up his chance.
HARRY: You did nothing wrong. He’s a steaming turd who doesn’t deserve you. End of story.
AMY: It’s not like that. You’re only hearing the bad stuff. Most of it’s been amazing. He’s made me feel so happy and alive, like I can’t even begin to tell you. Does that sound dumb? I feel like I’ve been floating around with this silly smile on my face for months. I’ve seriously never been this happy in my life—until I wasn’t, but, you know …
HARRY: He had his chance. He blew it. That’s on him. Nobody breaks my little cousie’s heart and gets away with it.
HARRY: Aims?
HARRY: Still with me?
HARRY: That’s it, me and Cody are jumping in the chopper and heading to Melbourne. Emergency extraction. Wheels up in five.
HARRY: Skids up. Whatever.
AMY: Hold your horses. Your horsepower. I have an idea. Let me try just one thing to fix all this, or at least to reset things. If it fails, I’m walking away, I promise.
HARRY: He’s not worth it.
AMY: He actually is. I hate to sound like *that* person but it’s true. He just doesn’t know it. Like you say, he doesn’t know his own mind. And what’s one more risk? One more potential mistake? What’s to lose? It’s not like I have any pride left. And I’m not going to offer him *me*. Just the thing he wants more than me.
HARRY: ???
AMY: Trust me.
HARRY: I do. You’re a grown woman and you know your own mind.
AMY: You’re so woke.
HARRY: But I’m still not getting him a Christmas present.
HARRY: And be careful, little cousie.
AMY: You are the actual best.
HARRY:
HARRY: Did that come out right? It’s supposed to be a blush. I just learned how to do it on my phone.
AMY: You’re an embarrassment to our generation.
HARRY:
HARRY: Did that one work? It’s supposed to be rolling on the floor, laughing. ROFL.
AMY: Explaining is losing.
AMY: And would you please get your shit together with Sophia?
AMY: We didn’t have this conversation.
SOPHIA: What conversation?
AMY: The conversation where I totally didn’t tell you that Harry is in love with you.
SOPHIA: Um, what?
AMY: Exact words: ‘I am in love with her.’ That’s a copy-and-paste. Stand by for the screenshot.
AMY: See? That’s you he’s talking about.
SOPHIA: Okay. Wow.
AMY: Logistics are the stupidest reason in the world not to be together. He makes you happy, you make him happy. So be happy, FFS.
AMY: I’m gonna write a self-help book and call it So Be Happy, FFS. It’ll be a short book. It’ll just say that.
SOPHIA: Wouldn’t that make it a meme?
AMY: True.
SOPHIA: And I wish it were that simple.
AMY: MAKE IT THAT SIMPLE! You guys are as bad as each other. Admit it, you’re miserable without him.
SOPHIA: Not a high bar. I’ve been miserable for a good part of the year.
AMY: Except when you’ve been with him.
SOPHIA. Well, yes.
AMY: So be with him. Even if you can’t live in the same place. There are no rules about that. If you want to be together, be together, even if you’re not together-together.
SOPHIA: ??
AMY: Don’t pretend you don’t know what I mean. Stop waiting for things to be perfect coz they never will be.
CARMEN: Just checking in—did you get everything sorted with Operation Santa? Need any more help?
SOPHIA: All ready! So can’t wait.
CARMEN: Me neither.
Trip Review: Curlew Bay
Rating:
Review: The backpackers was nice enough but there were too many backpackers there.
40
Josh
Josh’s station officer slapped him on the shoulder, jolting him from the newspaper he was reading. Well, not reading. Staring at.
‘You got a visitor, downstairs,’ she said.
‘Me?’ No one came to see him at work.
He jogged down the stairs, slowing when he saw Amy standing in the shade of a truck. She locked eyes on him and he felt the moment physically—a shudder of electricity, a tightening in his gut and his chest. The things she did to him weren’t normal. So much for thinking a clean break would sort him out. What had it been—nearly two months, and he’d thought about her every freaking hour? He’d had to delete her number from his phone and secretly mute her on social media and invent new excuses every week to miss Sunday dinners to stop himself going back to her and starting things again, though she’d probably have rightfully told him to piss off. At some point in the last six months, she’d become his addiction, and goin
g cold turkey was killing him.
It was Christmas Eve and the temps were forecast to go into the thirties but she wore black jeans—jeans he knew well, jeans he’d peeled off her many times. And that sleeveless top with the loose, floppy neck that he would watch for the moment the gap hit her cleavage.
He checked for observers as he approached her. Just Grandpa, the oldest guy on the crew, hanging up hoses.
‘Hey,’ Josh said as he neared her, his throat drying.
‘Hey,’ she echoed, making almost no noise. She shifted weight onto one leg and then the other. Nervous? What could he do to her that he hadn’t already done?
‘What’s up?’ he said, just as she said, ‘Wow, you look …’
‘I know,’ he said, stopping in front of her and shoving his hands in his pockets, for want of wiser options. It felt weird not to greet her with a kiss, at the least. ‘I look sick. Everyone’s telling me that. I’ve lost some weight. Been running a lot.’ It was the only thing that blasted off that urge to jump in the car and drive to her place. ‘And eating on the go.’ He couldn’t be arsed cooking for one. And sleep wasn’t coming easy.
‘You looking sick is an average person’s looking amazing, so don’t sweat it.’
‘You, on the other hand, do look amazing. As always.’
She shrugged. ‘I was a mess last time you saw me, so not hard.’
He shrank a little at the reminder of that day he’d watched her heart break. Watched himself break her heart. Every time he thought of it …
‘What’s up?’ he said, and remembered he’d already said it.
‘Don’t worry, I’m not about to go back there again.’ Her mouth flatlined. ‘I’m on my way to the airport. Look, I’ll just say it.’ She focused on a spot above his head. ‘Please come to the island for Christmas. Your mum and dad too. Not because I want us to get back together or whatever. Just because, well, it’s your family Christmas too. We’ll work it out. Reset things. Don’t stay away because you want to avoid hurting my feelings.’ One corner of her mouth screwed up, showing her dimple. ‘Coz that would gut me. It’ll be fine. I’ll be fine.’