Defining Riley

by JJ Ellis

  “The loud noise was a jacked-up truck with one of those outside speaker set ups. The driver was drunk and rear ended you.”

  “The driver?”

  “Flown to Denver. He’ll be okay.”

  Riley stared off into space as his mind settled in on what had happened. “How long have I been here?”

  “Three days. They had to do surgery to repair your left pointer finger.”

  Riley lifted his hand to see it bandaged then put it back down a bit too hard. “Ouch. What other injuries?”

  “Bumps, bruises, contusions and a twisted knee. You were one lucky kid.”

  Riley took a deep shaky breath and looked over at Johnny. “If I’m so damn lucky, why does all of this shit keep happening to me?”

  “I wish I had an answer to that, son.” He looked pointedly at Riley as he stressed the last word. When Riley didn’t respond he continued. “I mean you’re lucky enough to be the only son of Johnathan Michael Johnson”

  “The test came back?” Riley’s eyes were bright.

  “Yeah. You’re stuck with me now, kid. Whether you like it or not.”

  “Oh, thank God. I...can I call you Dad? Does Addie know? I wonder what Uncle Joseph will say about it. Did you hear what happened with Asher?” He finally ran out of words.

  “Wow!” Johnny laughed. “Uh...yes, you can call me dad. Yes, Addie knows and is over the moon. I really don’t care what Uncle Joseph will say and I laughed in his face when he told me about what happened between you and his precious heir to the Johnson Ranch. Did I get everything?”

  Riley blushed and smirked. “So sue me. I was a little bit excited.”

  “It’s okay, son. You should have seen how excited I was when I found out. I may have run off a couple customers at the shop when I hugged them and hollered a bit.”

  Riley laughed along with his dad. “I wish I could have seen that.”

  “Addie recorded it. She’s probably uploaded it to YouTube.”

  “We’re going to share it at family reunions you know.” Riley was still smiling.

  “I can’t wait, Ri. Because you’ll be there.”

  AS WONDERFUL AS IT was to know Terry Johnson wasn’t his father and to have Johnny and Adella in his life, Riley still felt overwhelmed with negativity. The heaviness and pain were near constant now. He left the hospital seven days after the accident with a prescription for anti-depressants and an appointment with a counselor. It was a step forward as long as his psyche didn’t drag him back two steps.

  “You ready to go?” Addie asked as she walked into the room.

  “Yeah. Dad signed all the papers earlier. I just had to talk with my counselor. Are you driving me home?”

  “Yeah, Ben and I are. Dad had an issue on site so he’ll meet us at home.”

  “Let’s go then...little sister.”

  “Pppft. We’re the same age, dork.”

  “Actually, I’m two months older than you, therefore, you are my little sister.”

  “Let me guess,” she guffawed. “You’re going to act all big brothery and threaten Ben if he ever hurts me.”

  “Oh yes! I knew there was something I was forgetting. I’ll give Benjamin a call when I get home.”

  “Oh, you brat! He’s in the car waiting for us. If you must, you can tell him when we get down there.”

  “I’m just teasing you,” he murmured kissing her cheek. “I talked to him the other day when he visited me.”

  “You know, I don’t always get teasing. I’m autistic.”

  “I know, but you love it when I tease you anyway.”

  “I do. Because you’re my big brother.”

  “And you’re happy about it?”

  “You never have to ask that. I love you, Ri.”

  “Love you too, little sis.”

  BY THE TIME RILEY GOT home, he was worn out. The doctor had warned him to take it easy for at least a week and that’s what he planned to do. “I’m going to go lay down. Could you tell dad I’d like to talk to him as soon as he gets home.”

  “Of course,” Addie said with a smile. “Are you feeling okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m just tired.”

  As soon as his head hit the pillow, the feeling of being weighed down hit him hard. God, he couldn’t wait for the damn medicine to take hold. The doctor had said it could take up to a month, though. Sometimes he wondered if he had that much time.

  “Hey Ri, Addie said you wanted to see me.”

  “Yeah,” Riley said sitting up in bed so his dad could sit next to him. “The counselor told me I should tell you about the dream I had the night of the accident...and three other times since then.”

  “Okay. I’m listening.”

  Riley couldn’t even look at his father. He felt the dream was so asinine. “It’s basically me trying to fend off and having words with Terry as he tries to drag me into Hell.”

  “Wow.”

  “Stupid, huh? He says once we’re in Hell we’ll be father and son forever and you won’t matter anymore. He wants me to become him.”

  “It’s not stupid, Ri. It sounds scary as Hell...uh you know what I mean.”

  Riley actually smiled. “There was no way around that one I guess.”

  “True. Look, son, I don’t ever want you to feel something is too stupid to come talk to me about. I’m here, always, no matter what.”

  “Thanks. I just...I feel like a needy little cry baby.”

  “You’re used to taking care of yourself, Ri. It’ll take time to get used to having people you can rely on.”

  “I guess...but I really do need you guys. These nightmares scare me. And I feel guilty for shooting my dad and even more guilty for being relieved that he’s gone and happy that I have you and Addie. And on top of it all, this depression keeps trying to crush me. I want it all to stop.”

  Johnny reached out and hugged his son. “I know it’s hard. I just hope you realize you don’t have to do it alone anymore. Addie and I are here for you. You have a great counselor, school teachers and a boyfriend who are here for you. Please, if you get overwhelmed come to one of us.”

  “Thanks, Dad. I...” Tears started to slip down his face. “How can I be so lucky and still feel so awful?”

  “It’s the nature of the beast.”

  “Depression?” he asked.

  “Yeah, sometimes depression but always life. We just have to learn how to deal with the crap and use it to our advantage. And I can see you getting there. It takes time.”

  “I hope you’re right, Dad.”

  “I am! You’ll see.”

  “I think I want to take a nap now.”

  “Okay. I’ll be around if you need me. Just holler.” Johnny stood up and walked to the door when he turned to give Riley a smile of encouragement, his exhausted son was already asleep, propped up against the headboard. “I love you, son. I always have.”

  RILEY WALKED OUT TO the living room after he’d had enough of feeling sorry for himself. The talk he and Johnny had got him thinking. He wasn’t so sure his boyfriend should be included in the support group his dad had pulled together. The whole time he was in the hospital he hadn’t had even had one visit from him. “Hey, Dad, do you know what happened to my phone after the accident?”

  “Yeah, I put it on your nightstand, so it would be there when you got home.”

  “Is it damaged?”

  “Not that I could tell.”

  “Thanks!” Riley turned and hurried back to his room. His enthusiasm quickly died when he realized the phone was in perfect working order and there weren’t any messages from Aidan. He threw the device across the room and flinched when he heard the screen shatter.

  “I guess it’s a good thing I put you on our plan and you got this.” He tossed a phone onto the bed. “Care to tell me what that little tantrum was all about?”

  Riley really didn’t want to talk about it but he owed him an explanation. “I haven’t heard from Aidan since I left his house that night.”

  “I wonder
why. Did you two fight?”

  “No. I had the nightmare, woke up and took off.”

  Johnny bent down and picked up Riley’s old phone and turned it on. “The screen is still readable. Transfer your contacts and give Aidan a call. Throwing things never gets problems solved.”

  Riley chuckled. “You’d think I’d have learned that by now.”

  “Call your boyfriend and let me know what you find out. I’ll go make us some lunch.”

  RILEY PACED HIS ROOM despite his aching leg. He’d sent a text to Aidan and now awaited a reply.

  “Hey, are you mad at me?”

  “Call me?” was the brief reply that came five minutes later.

  Speed dial made quick work of making the call and Riley waited for Aidan to answer.

  “Hello.”

  “Hey. You never came to see me in the hospital.” It was useless to beat around the bush They needed to get right to the point.

  “I wasn’t sure where we stood. You ran out of here like you couldn’t get away fast enough.”

  Sometimes Aidan St. George was the most frustrating person he’d ever met. “I told you I needed some air and that I’d call you later. That nightmare scared the shit out of me.”

  “Yeah, and maybe you could have talked to me about it instead of running off all crazed and ending up in the hospital.”

  “I’m sorry, A. I just...”

  “I know, Ri. You don’t feel comfortable sharing your life with me. That’s what Samantha was for. I get it. But you should know because I’m telling you right now, I’m here if you need anything. I’m your boyfriend, not some occasional fuck that you need to keep up on a pedestal.”

  Now Riley felt like a complete and total idiot. He’d been taking Aidan for granted. No wonder their relationship kept stalling. “I’m so sorry, A. I promise I’ll do better. Give me another chance.”

  “Sure. Can you come over?”

  “I wish I could but I’ve got to stay close to home for a few days. Could you come over here?”

  “Yes! It will be nice to vary our routine some.”

  “It will, although, the good thing about your house is that your parents are never home.”

  “True. But since we’re trying to work on the non-physical parts of our relationship, maybe having your uncle and cousin around will be a good thing.”

  “You have a point. I have some news to tell you when you get here.”

  “Really? I can’t wait. Will you tell me about the nightmare too?”

  “Yeah. After lunch. If you hurry, you’ll get here in time for what smells like grilled cheese and tomato soup.”

  “I’m on my way.”

  Riley hung up the phone and rushed out to the kitchen. “Hey Dad, could Aidan join us?”

  “Well,” Johnny laughed. “Since you probably already invited him and we have plenty, of course, he can join us.”

  RILEY RAN TO ANSWER the doorbell. Well, if you called limping along quickly running. “Hey,” he said as the door opened to reveal Aidan standing there with a big smile.

  “Hey. You’re all in one piece. That’s good.” He stepped inside and pulled Riley close for a kiss. They pulled apart when Johnny cleared his throat behind them.

  “It’s just a kiss, Dad,” Riley chuckled.

  “Lunch is ready, boys. Follow me.”

  “Did you just call him Dad?” Aidan wondered as they made their way into the dining room.

  “Yeah, that’s the news I have to tell you. Sit down and we’ll talk while we eat.”

  Riley was thoroughly enjoying having the person he loved at his own house with his family. He would never have dared to bring Aidan to the condo. Not only had he been afraid of being too affectionate in front of Terry, he just hadn’t wanted his friends to find out what his homelife was really like. “So, that’s it. I have a dad and a sister.”

  “Wow, that’s amazing. They’re lucky to have you as part of their family.”

  “We are,” Johnny agreed. “Adella always hated being an only child and now she has a brother.”

  “I’m just glad she was able to forgive me for how I treated her.”

  “Her memories of you two being inseparable were stronger than the reality of the mean Riley she met when we moved here.”

  Riley started to feel uncomfortable. The names he had called her echoed in his head quite often. “Can Aidan and I go to my room. I want to tell him about the nightmare.”

  “Sure. I’m going to run into town to get your anti-depressants before you run out of the ones you got in the hospital. Do you need anything else?”

  “No, I’m good. Come on, A.”

  “So, they put you on meds to help you deal with your da...uh, Terry’s death?”

  Riley ushered him into the room and closed the door behind them. “Yeah, that’s the way it started but now they think I’ve always had some depression.”

  “Are you scared?” Aidan whispered.

  “Yeah, of course, I am, but with medicine and counseling, it should all be okay.”

  “How long?”

  “How long what?”

  Aidan looked up to catch his boyfriend’s gaze. “How long do you have to be treated?”

  “I don’t know. I’m sure treatment will change as time goes on, but I’ll probably always have depression.”

  “Oh. Okay. So, uh what was that dream about?”

  Riley sat down on his bed and pulled Aidan down next to him. “Does it bother you that I have chronic depression?”

  “No...” He hesitated. “It’s just kind of scary not knowing how you’ll react or deal with it.”

  “I don’t think anyone knows. I would think every time would be different.”

  “Yeah, maybe.” Aidan murmured. “My aunt and cousin are really messed up so I guess when I hear it, I think of them.”

  “I’m sorry,” Riley said pulling him back to lay on the bed. They joined hands and looked at each other. “I’m going to be okay. I promise. Please just trust me on this.”

  “Okay, I’ll try.” Aidan leaned in and pressed his lips to Riley’s “Just tell me if you need anything, please.”

  “I will. Now about the nightmare...”

  WHEN JOHNNY WENT TO talk to the boys after he returned home from the pharmacy, they were asleep in Riley’s bed with their video game controllers between them. He couldn’t help but smile. Riley looked happy and peaceful, something he hadn’t seen much of, at least not since he was six years old. “Hey boys, it’s getting close to dinner time. Does Aidan have a curfew or a time he needs to be home?”

  “I don’t have to be home until midnight, sir,” Aidan mumbled as he struggled to sit up. “I can’t believe we fell asleep.”

  “I can,” Riley said with a snort. “I bored you to death talking about my problems.”

  Aidan reached over and took his hand. “I wasn’t the least bit bored. I’m here to listen.”

  Johnny had a knowing look on his face as he winked at his son. “I bought popcorn if you want to watch a movie. I’ll be working in my office so you’ll have the big screen in the living room to yourselves.”

  “What do you say, A? Movie?”

  “Movie and popcorn. Last one to the living room cooks it.”

  “Not fair,” Riley grumbled. “I’m the one with a leg brace!”

  Johnny laughed as the two boys jockeyed for position in the doorway. “I’ll get the popcorn. You two just go choose a movie.”

  “COME ON, I’LL WALK you out,” Riley said as he pulled Aidan up off the couch. Johnny had joined them for the last half hour of the movie and was now sitting in his chair waiting for Adella to come home.

  “Your dad seems worried about your sister.”

  “He is,” Riley said closing the door behind them. “She’s having some issues ever since the incident.”

  “I think Ben will take care of her. He’s crazy about her.”

  “Yeah, but she’s been pushing him away and acting strange so...”

  “That’s scary
,” Aidan whispered. “At least she has you and Johnny.”

  “And I have you,” Riley said as he pulled Aidan close. “Kiss me and I’ll take you for that motorcycle ride soon.”

  “You don’t have to bribe me,” he said pressing his lips to Riley’s. He pulled away and moved back in for seconds. “Call me tomorrow.”

  Riley stood and watched his boyfriend climb into his car and pull away from the curb. Just as he was about to turn around and go inside an engine revved from nearby. When he looked up, Asher and some of the other rancher kids from the football team were driving by the house really slow.

  “How does it feel to be a murderer, Riley?”

  “Fuck you, Asher.”

  “You’re going to end up just like your old man.”

  “Go home Asher, you little prick,” Johnny hollered from behind Riley. “Or I’ll call your mother.”

  The truck sped off with a squeal of its tires and Riley and Johnny went back inside. “I wonder if my nephew realizes that he’ll be the one to end up drunk and in jail if he follows the family history. The only reason Joseph didn’t is that he was too busy taking over the ranch.”

  “Asher’s becoming an even bigger bully than I was,” Riley murmured. But he couldn’t help to think that maybe Terry had already had too much influence over his life. Was he also bound to follow down the path of his rancher kid ‘father’?”

  “Doesn’t surprise me,” Johnny said absently. “You’re a good kid. You’ll turn out just fine.”

  RILEY WAS IN BED AND the house was quiet but he couldn’t sleep. Did his family and friends realize what kind of pressure they put on him when they assumed he would be okay? Why couldn’t they just say that his life was fucked but he was tough and they could help him change things? It wasn’t a fair assertation on his side either, though. They did say stuff like that sometimes but perhaps not enough. God, his life was so fucked up that he couldn’t even sort through the static in his mind properly.

  He had everything he wanted: a boyfriend, a family that loved him, food on the table, Netflix, two gaming consoles and hell, he’d been back up quarterback his senior year. His whole future lay ahead of him so why did he feel like he was drowning, suffocating. And why wasn’t he noticing even the slightest difference for his medication! The doctor had started him at one pill every other day for the first week. And then he was supposed to up it to one every day, which was the highest dose. Maybe he should take an extra one here and there until it kicked in.