Alien Education

by Gini Koch

  “Too late, I’m sure, but okay. So, the other news?”

  “Zachary and Marcia Kramer have invited you and Jeff to a party. Tomorrow night.”

  CHAPTER 25

  “AWESOME. Send our regrets in the nicest way possible, versus the way I’d say it.”

  “Oh, it’s better than just that,” Vance said. “It’s a fundraiser for the Sidwell Friends School.”

  Let that one sit on the air for a moment. “Seriously? They’re doing an impromptu fundraiser? On a Wednesday?” Why was this Wednesday suddenly the Mid-Week Day of the Year?

  “It’s timed for the first day of Sidwell’s classes.”

  “Wait a minute. They have kids?”

  “They do. Remember, Marcia is Zachary’s third wife. He has lots of kids.”

  “The country is so lucky.”

  Vance laughed. “They’re not all bad. The four kids from his first marriage all seem pretty normal. The two eldest from his second marriage are in college. His youngest from his second wife is a senior at Sidwell, and the two kids he has with Marcia are in first and third grade.”

  “Ugh, so they’ll be with our kids. Lucky us.”

  “Yes, but it does mean you have to attend this fundraiser. On the plus side, you won’t be alone.”

  “Because the Secret Service will be with us in force?”

  “Yes, but not what I meant. You won’t be alone because I know who else is invited. They sent the guest list, as is required for any invitations going to the President or First Lady.”

  “It is?”

  “Yes, so that you aren’t thinking you’re going to a fundraiser when you’re actually going to a political rally.”

  “I’ll ask for that distinction later. And since we are going to a fundraiser, whatevs. So, I’ll bite, who’s on the guest list that you think we’ll care about?”

  “All the rest of the Dealers of Death, for starters. Lillian and Guy are also invited, by the way, as is Thomas Kendrick.”

  “Really? No one’s mentioned this.”

  “Abner and I got our spouses’ invitations, and I sent Manfred to find Thomas’s and it was waiting for him in his mailbox. All of ours and Thomas’s invitations arrived today, right when yours did.”

  “Huh. So, does that mean they don’t actually want us to show but want to say that they invited us?”

  “Potentially. The other possibility is that they expect you to say no or try to get out of it and asked last-minute in order to forestall the excuses outcome.”

  “Either way, it’s their usual classless approach. So, who else is on the list?”

  “Well, your new best friend forever, Charmaine Cordell and her husband.”

  “I feel so lucky. Anyone else?”

  “Yeah.” He paused dramatically. “Doctor Rattoppare.”

  Snatched the expected gasp of shock away. It hadn’t been a fun day so far and part of Vance’s job was being the person I disappointed on a regular basis. “Huh. Which one, can you tell?”

  “No, there’s no first name listed.”

  “I’ll bet there isn’t. Look, does this scream ‘trap’ to you as much as it does to me?”

  Vance was quiet for a moment. “Yes, frankly, it does. I mean, only because we know that Rattoppare is an enemy.”

  “Just like the Kramers are. And Charmaine the Evil Kangaroo is definitely high up on my New and Improved Enemies List. What are you going to do about it?”

  “The easiest thing—I’m going to call Marcia and ask her if it’s legit.”

  “Okay, keep me posted. I’m going back into the LSR to deal with the Bot Initiative and all the other fun we’re having.”

  “Just another day in office.”

  “Dude, truer words and all that.”

  We hung up and I slunk back inside. Contemplated telling Jeff about the latest stress test in our immediate future, then decided to save it for when we had fewer people around.

  The general conversation was centered around the Bots, androids, and such, as well as who could be behind them.

  Interrupted. “Sorry, and this may have been covered while I was out of the room, but do we have anything definitive on Ansom Somerall and Talia Lee? As in, are their brains normal?”

  “No word from Tito yet,” Jeff said. “He’s not done with his tests, but he’ll join us the moment he is. And before you ask, yes, he still has the flyboys with him, as well as other protection.”

  Figured the other protection was Tito’s wife, Rahmi. And possibly her younger sister, Rhee, too, since they weren’t in the LSR. Come to think of it, we were missing others I’d have expected to be here. Hoped Abigail Gower and Mahin Sherazi were both with Tito and Team, too. Just in case.

  “The Christopher-Bot is in a containment unit brought over by Dulce,” Buchanan shared. “It’s in the underground parking area, under heavy guard. We haven’t had anyone examine him yet, though.”

  “Why not?”

  “We wanted to see if he was telling the truth first,” Chuckie said.

  “Makes sense. Are we sure he hasn’t self-destructed?”

  “Yes,” Raj replied. “We’re monitoring. He’s fine, insofar as a Man-Bot can be.”

  “Raj, your acceptance of the Man-Bot moniker has earned you a reprieve from my blaming you for forcing me to go on Good Day USA!, and for that you should be grateful.”

  He grinned at me. “I am. And the Kristie Android is also contained, similar chamber, same area. Both are being monitored.”

  “Good job, though I think Kristie-Bot fits her better and I insist that she be called that regardless of what she turns out to be. It has a better ring. But anyway, we seem like we’re at that dreaded ‘waiting for the answers’ time. Meaning I think it’s time for lunch.”

  Half the room chuckled, but no one argued. Good. I was starving and it was honestly lunchtime. Jeff didn’t argue, so either he was hungry, too, or could tell that I needed to eat and was being a good husband. I’d take it, either way.

  Because we were essentially in a giant dining room, the Elves were contacted and everyone trooped out while the room was switched over, which took about a minute.

  Since we were rearranged for eating, went to Gadhavi and had him sit with me and Jeff. “I appreciate the honor,” he said as he seated himself next to me. Mom sat on his other side. Pointedly. He smiled at her. “I appreciate the honor of your company as well.”

  “I always like to spend time with the new recruits.” Mom’s sarcasm meter was only at around six on the scale. Even she was being careful of our new grizzly bear friend.

  “Me too.” Hey, I wanted to represent.

  Gadhavi chuckled as he turned to me. “I see your sense of humor remains intact. Tell me . . . is our mutual friend still . . . well?”

  He was referring to Russell Kozlow, who was yet another Yates progeny and who, for a variety of reasons, had chosen house arrest in the American Centaurion Embassy Complex versus a life of excellent crime with Gadhavi as a G-Company crime boss. Most of the team felt that this was because Kozlow wasn’t all that bright. Jeff and Chuckie felt it was because Kozlow was more afraid of me than Gadhavi. I felt, however, it was because I was the one person who hadn’t made Kozlow feel like a loser. Plus, we had his mother and he wanted to see her and get back into her good graces.

  “He’s good, yes. Did you want to see him?”

  “No. I just wanted to verify that he chose wisely.”

  “He did in the sense that he’s with the person who loves him best in the world.” Which was his mother, Chernobog the Ultimate, the best hacker in, literally, the world. And which also wasn’t saying all that much in terms of the love, since she’d point-blank told him during Operation Immigration that she preferred me to him as a relative, even though we weren’t related. Then again, my relationship with Chernobog was almost as complex as mine w
ith her son. Or mine with most of the people in this room, if I got right down to it.

  Food arrived courtesy of the White House serving staff and we all got down to the business of eating, with everyone making very mundane chitchat, versus discussing policy or Bots or whatever. Mom and Gadhavi chatted about people they knew in common, both those that they liked and those that they’d love to see dead. It was an interesting conversation to overhear, and one that made me really glad they both liked me.

  Chef was keeping his reputation intact, and today’s lunch was his usual stellar bounty of deliciousness. Did my best not to scarf my food, but it took effort. Asked for, and got, seconds because in my experience, it was not a given that I’d get dinner on time or at all right now.

  As we were finishing up, Tito came into the room. Hoped he’d eaten already, because there wasn’t much left and I’d snagged the last roll available within my reach and wasn’t giving it up.

  “Jeff,” he said quietly, “I want to give you the results, but not in a large group.”

  “Who besides me, Kitty, and Chuck?” Jeff asked.

  “Alpha Team, and that’s all.” Tito looked worried. Well, we already knew things were boding.

  “What about Richard?” I asked. White was my partner when it came to butt-kicking, and I’d found that it was best to ensure that he knew what was going on as soon as possible.

  Tito nodded. “Probably a good choice, yeah. But no one else.”

  Jeff motioned to those who were on Tito’s Request List while he gave Raj and Fritz Hochberg, the Vice President, a couple of instructions. Meanwhile, I apologized to Gadhavi for having to leave.

  He nodded. “You have much going on. I’m sure the rest of us can deal with that,” he nodded toward the video screens that were still in the room and still paused on the crowd cheering for Pecker and Gutermuth, “while you deal with other issues.”

  “You handle the inhuman humans while we handle the human robots?” Looked at the screen again. There was something bugging me about the people in this image. Not all of them, just some of them. But I couldn’t make out who or what was wrong, just that my brain felt that this image needed closer examination.

  “Something like that.” Gadhavi paused. “What do you see?”

  “I’m . . . not sure. But please ensure that everyone pays attention to the crowd, our imageers in particular.”

  “I will do my best.”

  “What more could a girl want than the best from the head of G-Company?”

  Gadhavi chuckled. “I imagine I will eventually find out.”

  CHAPTER 26

  WALKED NEARER TO THE SCREEN and Gadhavi and Mom came with me, Gadhavi presumably to continue chatting, Mom presumably to keep me moving. “I imagine most of the room will be willing to let you lead on this situation,” I told him. “Particularly since you brought the intel to us.” Honestly had no idea how the room was going to react once those of us Tito wanted left, but assumed that the grizzly bear was going to get to lead as long as Mom didn’t feel that she had to put a tranquilizer dart into him.

  Gadhavi’s countenance darkened. “There are G-Company troops at this rally.”

  “And they’re allowed in?” Mom asked.

  He shrugged. “I presume that if you make the right promises that these people will welcome you with their arms open.”

  Looked at the still image. Something was still bugging me about it. Pulled my phone out and took a picture of the picture. “Let me know the moment you guys figure out what’s going on over there.” Then I followed Tito and the others out of the LSR.

  Once we were in the hallway Jeff put his arm around my shoulders. Happily put mine around his waist and relaxed for a nanosecond. He hugged me. “What’s wrong?”

  “You mean besides everything?” Showed him the picture on my phone. “I have no idea why this shot is bugging me, but it is.”

  He looked at it. “Other than the obvious hatred, I don’t see anything. But I can try to read it with Christopher if you want.”

  “We’ll do the Go Team Move later. Right now, those in the LSR will be working on this while we work on our Fabulous Robotic Boys and Girls.”

  “As to that,” Tito said as we headed downstairs to the medical offices, “Claudia and Lorraine, what I’m going to say may make the two of you nervous, but I don’t feel that Joe and Randy are in the same situation as either Ansom, Talia, or Kristie.”

  “You examined the Kristie-Bot?”

  Tito nodded. “And the Christopher-Bot as well. As you can see, no one exploded on me.”

  “Is that going to continue, or are they just waiting for the President to make an appearance?” Chuckie asked.

  “No idea. Rahmi, Rhee, and Airborne are with them all.” Tito walked us past the medical offices and to the stairs that led down to the lower level of the complex. “I have each one in a separate containment unit, so if they explode, they’ll only take themselves.”

  “Good, but why aren’t we using hyperspeed to get there?” Reader asked.

  “Because I want to talk to all of you first. Alone.” Tito stopped while we were in the stairwell. Memory shared that Mom had done the same during Operation Epidemic, presumably because this area wasn’t bugged and was out of sight of cameras and such. “The situation is . . . interesting.”

  “I’ll bite,” Tim said. “How interesting?”

  “Serene’s level of interesting,” Tito said, shooting her a grin.

  “What’s going on with their brains?” she asked.

  “Gray matter.”

  We all stared at Tito. “I thought we’d agreed that robots didn’t have gray matter,” White said finally.

  “Most don’t. These do. In differing forms. Ansom, Talia, and Kristie all have more wires in their brains than Joe and Randy do. The wires are enmeshed within their gray matter so completely that there’s no way to remove the wires without making them brain-dead. And before anyone asks, the answer to the question of ‘how did inserting the wires into Joe and Randy, let alone these others, not make them brain-dead’ is a simple ‘we have no idea.’ The science is beyond what we have at Dulce, and none of the other aliens who we’re friendly with have any idea, though the Vata feel that it could be based off of their anatomy, though in a very far-removed kind of way.”

  “You said that we couldn’t have those wires removed from our husbands,” Lorraine pointed out. “And not just from their brains.”

  Claudia nodded. “You told us you didn’t want to remove their wiring because of the risk.”

  “It’s not quite the same. The wiring is tied in with Joe and Randy’s physical structures tightly enough that I feel it would be far too risky to remove. If something went wrong, we could try to remove it from them and have a hope of success, however, again because the Vata can see some similarities to themselves. The wiring in the gray matter of these three, though, is so dense that there’s no doubt that it would mean the destruction of the entity to remove. It’s as if there are two brains in there—the real one and the electronic one, and they’re so tied together that they’ve become one.”

  Resisted making a The Man With Two Brains joke, but only because the situation was so serious and I had a feeling that no one would laugh, other than possibly Tim.

  “You said ‘entity,’” Jeff pointed out. “Does that mean you don’t think they’re human anymore?”

  “Kristie definitely isn’t,” Tito replied. “I’ll want Serene and her team to do a scan of all of these, by the way, because I didn’t find any self-destruct mechanisms at all.”

  “Is that true for Ansom and Talia as well?” I asked.

  “And for the reproductions of Christopher?” White asked. “If you’ve had time to inspect the remains of the first one.”

  “We have, and what was left was similar to the one we have in custody. The Christopher-Bot is the least human. An
som and Talia are still human everywhere other than their heads. I can’t say for sure if they’re recording, as you were told they were, or not, by the way. My equipment doesn’t show it if they are.”

  Serene nodded. “Mine will. If we choose to take them to Dulce.”

  “I’m not sure that we should,” Tito said. “The Christopher-Bot is adamant that they’re enemies.”

  “Huh. That’s what the one he blew up said, too. Has he given you any better reason for robotic fratricide?” And if he hadn’t, wondered if I’d get a better answer from him when we did the questioning.

  “Only that the other Christopher-Bot was a danger to all of us and lying. Though this one insists he’s self-aware and has overcome his programming, too.”

  Jeff groaned. “When, if ever, does it get easy?”

  Chuckie clapped him on the back. “Welcome to the highest office in the land. Hope you’re enjoying your stay.”

  “Not even a little bit.” Jeff sighed. “So, what is Kristie if she’s not a human?”

  “The best version of a humanoid robot we have. Different from androids in almost every way.”

  “That would seem impossible,” Chuckie pointed out.

  Tito shook his head. “It should be, but it isn’t. I think whoever did her work didn’t do the work on the Christopher-Bot, though. The architecture is different.”

  “What about with Somerall and Lee?” Reader asked.

  “Not enough data to be sure, but if I had to guess, I’d say that they came out of the same or a similar factory as the Christopher-Bot, not Kristie.”

  “Day spa.” Everyone looked at me. Shrugged. “Kristie considers that she’s had a ‘treatment,’ as if this was a better form of plastic surgery. Whoever’s doing this, and we pretty much know it’s Stephanie and the Tinkerer, then they’re masked as being the next ‘in’ thing for the rich and famous, and they’re selling their practice as a fancy day spa.”

  Now I had to resist making a Zoolander joke. I was totally taking more than one for the team. Allowed myself to feel virtuous.