by Cait Ashwood
Hound looked as much a wreck as she felt. His hair stood nearly on end, evidencing the hours he must have spent pulling it through his fingers, something he always did when agitated. His shirt was buttoned up wrong, an entire button hole off on one side. One pant leg was stuffed into his boots while the other waved free. His eyes darted everywhere, like he couldn’t bring himself to focus.
Seeing him as wrecked as she’d been bolstered her courage. It wasn’t a sadistic thing, nor did she take enjoyment out of it, but at the moment, she felt like the stronger of the two of them.
“Would you like some wine? It’s been watered, of course.” What he needs is a hell of a lot stronger than wine, though.
His eyes finally came to rest on her, their intensity taking her breath away. “Are you…feeling okay?”
No. “A little bit of nausea, but nothing horrible.”
He nodded. “Good.”
They stood there, neither of them saying anything, ignoring the giant pink elephant in the room.
Audrey cleared her throat, unable to take the tension any longer. “You don’t have to be a father, or anything. This is number three for me. Pretty sure I know what I’m doing by now.”
Hound’s eyes fell to the ground. “I wouldn’t know how to be one.”
Audrey blinked. Well. That settles it, I guess. The yawning pit of despair from earlier didn’t return. Instead she felt curiously empty, removed from the situation and its consequences, an outside observer of her own life.
“If there’s nothing else—”
Fiery eyes turned up to meet hers. “I said I didn’t know how to be one. Not that I didn’t want to try.”
Audrey wasn’t sure what to say. An afternoon of introspection had convinced her that any relationship they might have had was a thing she’d invented in her head to comfort herself in uncertain times. What exactly did he mean by that?
“God, Audrey, everything about you scares me shitless. The mark? Can’t keep a damned thing to myself. If I want you, I have to accept leadership of men that no longer trust me. And now I have to be a father, too?” He sliced an arm through the air, angry. He began pacing, his hand lodged in his hair as he pulled it harshly through his fingers.
“I said you didn’t have to be—”
The glare he leveled at her silenced her instantly. “No child of mine is growing up a bastard.”
Seconds ticked by.
“What do you want from me?” Any fire had left her and she was struck with a strong urge to hide under the covers and never emerge again. A single tear escaped, rolling in slow motion down her cheek.
Hound’s features softened ever so slightly and he moved toward her, halting part way as if unsure of his welcome.
“I don’t know.” The admission was quiet, subtle. “I feel like I traded one cage for another.” His hand rubbed at his chest, and Audrey wondered if he even realized he did it.
“If I could remove it, I would. I didn’t realize what it would do when I read about it.” The words were like bitter herbs on her tongue. He preferred the taint to her? It couldn’t get much worse.
“You didn’t?”
His shocked tone would have been insulting, if not for the wonder beneath. Audrey glanced up, brows furrowed. “Of course not. I barely knew what it was, but I figured if some part of me went with you, it would protect you.” She glanced around, searching for a particular book. She located it and moved near one of the lamps, thumbing through the pages.
“Here. This is all I knew about them when I came to you.”
He took the book and Audrey watched his eyes go across the page. The article didn’t say much, barely even mentioning enough about the mark for her to piece together how to apply it. There was no mention of side effects, or any hint at the connection they now shared. There was no way she could have known. Something she’d meant to protect had warped into something he felt ensnared by. It made her want to burn the mirroring mark from her own chest.
Hound frowned as he handed the book back to her. “So, you just put that thing on my chest, not even knowing what it would do?”
Audrey met his gaze, unflinching. “You were walking to your death anyway. Wouldn’t have mattered if it failed.” He’d been quite determined to die at the hands of his commander for abandoning the Seeker’s oath. Audrey hadn’t been so willing to let him die for circumstances beyond his control. She’d won.
Hound advanced on her, and she found herself retreating until her back was literally against the wall. He rested one arm on the wall, eyes intent on hers. “The men won’t follow me. They don’t trust me, don’t respect me.”
Audrey shrugged. “Let Ace lead them.”
“That’s not how it works, Audrey.”
She raised an eyebrow at him, keeping her voice low. “Really? Because I’ve been changing how everything works.
Hound shook his head. “It’s too much.”
Audrey snorted. “Hardly. The men already trust Ace, and would probably follow him off a cliff if he led them.”
Hound’s gaze was still uncertain.
She rolled her eyes. “It was a stupid system, anyway. I doubt every Leaf fell in love with the perfect military commander.” She shrugged, her shoulders starting to feel the cold from the stone wall at her back.
Hound pulled back, eyes narrowing. “Say that again?”
Audrey scrunched her face up, sure she was missing something. “Uh, which part?”
“The part where you said you love me.”
Audrey opened her mouth, but nothing came out. It was true, and out on the table now. She wouldn’t take it back. “It’s not an obligation, Hound. Just a fact.”
“A fact.” He echoed her words softly, then ran a hand through his hair.
Audrey sighed, feeling stupid for the new pang of heartbreak that came when he didn’t say it back. “I’m sorry for the way things turned out. You can have whatever role you’d like in the baby’s life, but don’t feel like you owe me anything.” She pushed at his chest, trying to make him budge. “Because you don’t.”
A growl rose from his throat and he grabbed her wrist, pinning it above her head against the wall. Audrey coughed, the wind knocked out of her. “Don’t you run away from me again.” The words were growled and menacing, but Audrey was at her limit.
“You don’t even want to be here! Said so yourself. Let me go nurse my heart in peace, and stop torturing me.” It was torture, at this point. She wanted to smack him almost as much as she wanted to kiss him, and neither reaction was appropriate. She refused to be anyone’s cage.
“I’m still here, aren’t I?”
Audrey tugged, trying to break his hold on her wrist and not getting far with the effort. She stilled, straightened, and stared directly into his eyes. “Let. Me. Go.”
Energy sizzled between them, charging the air with a current that gave Audrey a low-level buzz. It was a low blow, but she wouldn’t balk against kneeing him in the jewels if she had to. She was done with a capital D.
Something changed in his gaze and she tilted her head ever so slightly. They were both stubborn as hell, and a contest of wills between them was not something she’d expected. She raised her chin, daring him to keep pushing her.
“Never.” His eyes darted down to her lips and lingered there.
“Then you’d better man up, Hound, because we’re not doing this again.” There, she’d done it.
Her challenge lingered in the air and she felt every beat of her heart while she waited for him to respond.
“Ace leads them. Not me.” His gaze was narrow, testing.
“Done.”
His eyes fell lower, and she traced them to her belly. Hesitantly, he reached a hand out, his touch a brush against her stomach. “I didn’t have a father.”
Hope dared to bloom in her chest and she swore that if it betrayed her again, she’d personally lead every fighter at her command to vanquish the demon once and for all. “You helped raise your sister. You’ll do fine—you proved th
at with the twins.”
He dragged his eyes up to meet hers, seeming almost guilty. “You…didn’t tie me to you on purpose.”
She had no trouble answering him. “No. I wanted to protect you. To see you die for something you had no control over…”
The vulnerable little boy he must have been stared out at her from adult eyes. He hadn’t been lying when he’d confessed that he was scared shitless, and despite the power hold he had her in, Audrey didn’t want to push him. She wouldn’t be able to stand it if he left her later on, so he needed to be sure of his choice. Being her partner wouldn’t be easy. There were so many constraints on her time, so many duties to see to, and she was already running herself to the bone without having to worry about keeping a man happy in the meantime.
“You’re so guarded.”
She hadn’t been thinking about the mark, but realized he must be right. He was the only one that could shatter her heart, so it was an instinctive reaction to keep him out. She swallowed hard. “You’re not the only one scared right now.”
The hand not holding her wrist came up to cradle her jaw. She closed her eyes, fighting to keep herself in check.
His lips brushed against hers, the contact timid and brief.
She couldn’t open her eyes; she didn’t dare.
His forehead bumped against hers. “I love you, Audrey.”
Her heart stayed grounded. “And is it enough to make you stay?”
“For you?” His swallow was audible. “Yes.”
Audrey let the hold on the mark slip just the smallest bit, giving him a taste of her misery. “Are you sure? I—I can’t go through this again.” It was her turn to be insecure, damn it.
His thumb skimmed over her cheekbone, wiping away a tear she hadn’t even realized she’d shed. She didn’t fight him as he tilted her chin up, and this time when their lips came together, she kissed him back. She held back at first, afraid. Fear turned to desperation and she couldn’t hold it back any longer. Her carefully constructed wall came tumbling down, and his broke simultaneously. All the emotions she’d been blocked from, everything she’d been bottling up inside, swept over them in an all-consuming wave.
They clung to each other, lips locked as if their lives depended on it, weathering the storm. Audrey couldn’t say how long it took for everything to settle back down, or when the wave of exhaustion hit her.
Gently, Hound pulled her arm down, massaging her hand before letting her go. “I’m here.”
She sagged against him, not fighting the tears back any longer. He wrapped her up in his arms, crushing her against his chest. Her breathing was jagged as she forced her lungs to expand, but she wasn’t going anywhere. For the moment, she was where she belonged, and she wasn’t sure how long it would take before it stopped feeling like a fairy tale.
30
It was Audrey’s turn to watch the kids in the nursery. She wasn’t showing too badly yet, and could still keep up with the little buggers. Lily and Rowan were the youngest, but only by a few months. Children up to age six were permitted in the nursery; after that, they were expected to be in classes or learning out in the world.
Things were finally settling down. While Zaddicus was still at large, they’d made it this far without another attack. Reports confirmed that his forces were decimated, and Seekers were stationed in every town to be on the lookout for tainted men that might be seeking refuge after the rout at the compound. The women were finally feeling at home in their new tower, and many had eagerly taken up the opportunity to train with various weapons. The Seekers had a slightly larger presence here than previously anticipated as the two groups broke down barriers and began to get to know each other. More women participated in the equinox, and they had several new pregnancies to celebrate. This nursery is going to be full in a year. The notion filled her with pride.
To the side, Lily squealed, then broke out into the worst fit of crying anyone had ever heard. Her crocodile tears even fooled Audrey on occasion, they were so authentic. For a change, Rowan wasn’t at her side, instead playing with another boy a few months older than him.
“Lily, you’ve got to learn to play by yourself sometimes.” Audrey rose to her feet, praying for patience. She found a spare rattle one of the mothers had made and gave it to her daughter, otherwise ignoring her.
“Indeed, she does.”
Audrey whirled at the familiar, but unexpected voice. “Zeche?” While she wasn’t exactly upset to see him, the fact that he’d gotten through every layer of their defenses and made it all the way into the nursery undetected was alarming. Perfect opportunity to test the alarm system, though. She slipped easily into her trance and activated seeds in the barren window planter outside. The plants burst into bloom, and would be visible from the guard towers.
“Audrey. It’s been a while.” Zeche looked rough, like he hadn’t seen civilization in months. His normally neatly trimmed Van Dyke had been allowed to grow into a full beard, and it made him seem much more dangerous, almost deadly. Despite that, his clothes were clean and a quick glance showed that his nails were neatly trimmed. The level of dirt on his skin and the beard must be an intentional disguise, but why? He’d never been denied entrance to any location Audrey was in.
A horn pealed outside, and Audrey heard voices shouting. Zeche raised an eyebrow at her and she shrugged one shoulder. He hadn’t made a move toward the children, but part of Audrey’s reasoning was as a drill. If an intruder did manage to make it past their defenses, she wanted to see how well they reacted to the threat once it was realized.
Footsteps pounded down the hall and women armed to the teeth swept into the room. They immediately pressed themselves between Audrey and Zeche, and herded him towards the open window he’d snuck in through. A few of the Lilies raced into the room, mostly other mothers, and they began evacuating the children. They’d be going to a safe room and would remain locked in until Audrey or one of her inner circle gave the release codes. So far, so good. The only unsettling bit? She wasn’t entirely sure she was overreacting to the assassin’s presence. There was something different about him, something that had all her senses on high alert.
Belatedly, she thought to scan him for the taint. She felt her eyes switch to their second sight, and wasn’t all that relieved when he came back clean. Frustrated, she dropped the sight and stared at him, puzzled. His easy smile hadn’t made an appearance, and instead he studied her as he often did an enemy, ignoring the women with blades pointed at him. She couldn’t be imagining it. He was here for something.
Men’s voices echoed down the hall, and she could hear Ace giving orders. How he managed to sound so confident all the time, she wasn’t sure, but something in his tone bolstered her flagging courage. If everything wasn’t right with the co-leader of the Ravens, they’d soon have it figured out.
“Put your blades away, you idiots. Do you forget who pays you?” Zeche batted at one sword with his bare hand, pushing the blade away. He stopped abruptly, however, when it flicked back up to his throat.
“I don’t care who pays me. The Order serves us all.” The woman tore the Raven insignia from her tunic and threw it at Zeche’s feet, her blade unwavering.
Zeche’s eyes tracked the patch as it fell to the ground. “Interesting. In any event, I’m not here to harm the First, or the children. This is where she was, so this is where I came.”
“And what business do you have with her that couldn’t be conducted through normal channels?” Ace stormed into the room, blade drawn but held low for the moment. He’d taken to braiding his hair and, while it was different, it gave him a more sophisticated look. He looked positively knightly as he came to her rescue.
Hound wasn’t far behind him and took his time scanning the room when he entered. I wish I knew what he sees. None of this makes any sense. Hound was good at taking in foreign situations. While their mark let them exchange feelings with ease, actual words didn’t work as well. Whatever he’d decided, he took up a position on Audrey’s left, s
upporting her without overpowering her.
Zeche raised an eyebrow. “Something I’d intended to keep private, but no matter.” He shrugged, his lackadaisical nature seeming forced for the first time since Audrey had known him.
“What is it? Have you found Zaddicus?” She had to ask, and yet she was positive that wasn’t why he’d come. His demeanor now was sinister, not helpful.
“I’ve come to collect the debt you owe me.”
Hound bristled at her side, moving from beside her to in front of her.
Ace snorted. “You enjoy eating, right? You get to do that for the rest of your life, now. I think the debt is paid.”
I’m not so sure. It was hard enough to count the times he had directly saved her life, not to mention all the times his actions had kept her safe. His intel was the biggest reason they’d been able to find where the Order was being kept. If she thought about it, she owed him a lot.
Judging by the look he was shooting at her, he knew it, too. Whatever he was here to ask for, it was going to be big. Big enough that he expected her to turn on him. She couldn’t imagine a situation where she would.
“I owe you, I’ll give you that much. But what exactly is it you want as payment?” The Order never had been much of ones for using coin, preferring to barter their much-needed services for any goods they required. Whatever Zeche wanted, material wealth was not on the list.
Zeche glanced from Audrey, to Ace, to Hound. “I want your son.”
Audrey was baffled, her tongue tied by the sheer absurdity of the request. The twins had just turned a year old, and could scarcely tolerate being separated. But aside from that, who the hell bartered with human beings? Much less her own flesh and blood. It was so preposterous that she still couldn’t find any words.
“What. The fuck.” Ace apparently didn’t have that problem.