Song of the Brokenhearted

by Sheila Walsh

  “That’s a change of subject.”

  “A good one,” Sienna said with a sly grin. “But seriously, you’re not far from an empty nest.”

  Ava had already planned her five- and ten-year goals at the beginning of the year. She could nearly recite them from memory.

  “As a matter of fact, once Jason is in college, I’m going to devote more time to the ministry I’ve been doing since you left. I’d like to learn how to garden a little more. I want to go on a short-term mission trip, as long as it has water and showers. And eventually I look forward to being a grandmother.”

  “Sounds pretty neat and tidy.” Ava frowned as Sienna continued. “You’ve told me my entire life that whenever something is too neat and tidy that . . .”

  “God has a way of shaking it up,” they said in unison.

  Sienna laughed, but Ava felt a flash of nausea sweep through her stomach. She believed this truth, had seen it again and again. But she’d worked hard to reach this place in life and having it shaken up did not appeal to her.

  “I’ve been known to be wrong,” Ava said with a shrug.

  Jason raced down the stairs when they arrived.

  “It’s about time!” he said, sweeping his sister into a bear hug that lifted her off the ground. “Did you lose weight or am I growing?”

  “Both, but really, who are you and what happened to my scrawny kid brother?” Sienna stepped back and looked Jason up and down. He towered over her by a foot now.

  “You can marvel at my awesomeness later. I can’t stick around, but I thought you were going to miss my entire season. Crazy Californian, you’ve forgotten what it means to be a football fan.”

  “Oh hush,” Sienna said, socking him in the arm. “I gotta make a call—be right back.”

  “Mom, I can’t find my socks.” A look of panic spread over Jason’s face.

  “On the dryer,” Ava said, setting her bag and keys in the cubby above her desk.

  “My game socks.”

  “On the dryer.”

  He started to rush down the hall, but came to a sudden stop. “Did you wash them?”

  “They need washing,” Ava said nonchalantly.

  He stared at her as if she’d committed an unpardonable sin.

  “Mom, please. Do not tell me that you washed my lucky game socks.”

  “Is it a new tactic to defeat the opposing team by the stench of your feet? Because that seems unsportsmanlike to me.”

  “Some guys don’t change their underwear. Be grateful. But you didn’t wash them. Right? Come on, Mom.”

  Ava smiled. “Of course I didn’t wash them.”

  “Whew. That really freaked me out.”

  “It’s killing me not to, and be careful. You might knock off a few of your teammates with that smell.”

  “Maybe I should lose a shoe on the field and blow away the entire defensive line?”

  “Those socks could do it.”

  Jason raced down the hall and returned a moment later sliding across the floor in his socks. “What movie has Tom Cruise doing this in his underwear?”

  “Easy one,” Sienna said with a mock yawn, returning from the backyard with the phone in her hand. “Risky Business.”

  Ava frowned at his dingy, stained socks. “Get your shoes on or take those off, you’re rubbing toe jam all over my clean floors.”

  Jason made a long skid right up toward her, grabbing her arms as Ava let out a scream. He laughed and kissed her cheek.

  “Bratty kid,” she said, tossing a dishtowel at him and missing by a mile.

  “See you at the game!” he yelled as he grabbed up his large sports bag in the hall shelf and slung it over his shoulder. “Glad my sis finally made it!”

  “Did you get something to eat?” Ava said, then saw the plate in the sink.

  “Four eggs and a bagel. I’m ready for the game. See you guys there!” he yelled as the front door closed.

  “How did you know Daddy was the right one for you?”

  Sienna sat cross-legged in a living room chair. With her daughter home, Ava felt a sense of rightness where she hadn’t realized anything was wrong. She wished she could turn time back to nights of story reading, footed pajamas, and the excitement of Christmas morning. In the passing of years, there was no holding on to such moments, and the fact that they were forever gone had not found peace within her.

  Ava picked up a folded blanket from the large basket between the couches and draped it across Sienna’s lap despite the warmth of the afternoon.

  “You used to ask about your dad and me all the time when you were little. Don’t you remember the story of how we met?”

  Sienna nodded, but the usual sparkle in her eyes seemed dulled with more weariness and a lack of wonder.

  “You were at a beach bonfire when you heard a guy talking with a Texas accent. He was visiting California for the first time, but after you met, he dumped his friends to hang out with you.

  You avoided him as much as you could. Daddy says when he saw you across the fire, he just knew. It was love at first sight for him.”

  “He was from a wealthy family, and I wasn’t. I wasn’t planning to ever return to Texas.”

  “Because of your bad childhood.”

  Ava nodded. It sounded strange hearing her daughter say that. Her children didn’t fully know what bad childhood meant.

  “But there was something special there, like he was my home—my real home.” Ava smiled and sighed deeply.

  “Is that how you knew?”

  Ava could see that her daughter needed the truth, not the rosy, fairy-tale version.

  “I had doubts all along the way. I don’t know if that’s normal though.”

  “What were the doubts about?”

  “I guess with my . . . background, I had a lot of distrust from when I was young. I sometimes revert back to looking for the bad in people instead of the good.”

  “Really? Why?”

  “Maybe to protect myself, until I find out what I’m dealing with.”

  Sienna nodded in thought. “You’re always so nice to people.

  I didn’t know that about you.”

  Ava kicked off her slippers and sat on the opposite chair.

  “What are your doubts?”

  “Just normal stuff, usual pre-wedding jitters. Pledging myself to someone for life is a big deal.” Sienna chuckled, but there was fear in her eyes.

  Ava bit the edge of her lip. “Is he treating you well?”

  “Preston? Of course. He treats me too good, I think,” Sienna said with a small laugh. “It’s nothing like that.”

  “Then what it is?” Ava’s heart started beating faster, but she tried to remain calm in her daughter’s presence. Her mind was already running a track of worrisome thoughts: was she pregnant, had she met someone else, were they having second thoughts?

  “I just need to pray more,” Sienna said and sighed deeply, the usual sign that she was about to open up. Then her pink phone buzzed on the arm of the chair.

  “It’s Preston, finally,” Sienna said as if apologizing.

  “It’s all right. Talk to him.”

  “I sort of need to. But thanks, Mom. By the way, I was out back, and the weeping willow doesn’t look too good.”

  Ava felt her heart shudder as if she’d forgotten something essential. The tree’s demise felt oddly important. Was it just her old superstitions trying to flare their ugly heads, or was God trying to get her attention?

  When Sienna returned there were no signs that anything was different. Her daughter had never been an open book, unlike Jason, who still told her everything, even when it got him into trouble.

  Ava hoped there would be a way to talk about her concerns. Time before the wedding was quickly running out.

  Eight

  THE PARKING LOT WAS OVER HALF FULL AS THEY PULLED IN EARLY, just like every Friday night. Even with Dane’s schedule, he hadn’t missed a game, either at home or away. On Friday evening, half the community showed up to wa
tch the rumble on the green with numerous businesses shutting down for the night or bringing their goodies into the stadium grounds in booths. The rich scent of barbecue filled the air as several groups gathered around tailgates where mini-grills smoked with sizzling steaks and burgers.

  Dane ran a few steps ahead and turned suddenly with his cell phone pointed at them.

  “I need a picture of my beautiful gals.”

  Sienna slid her arm around Ava’s waist as they posed for the photo. Ava wore her favorite jeans, high black boots, and a deep purple sweater she’d found at Saks that matched Jason’s school colors. Her purple-and-white striped scarf added to her school spirit, but this was as far as she was willing to go, unlike some mothers who painted their faces purple and white and rang cowbells during the game.

  Ava checked out the picture. She liked her new haircut above her shoulders, while Sienna was growing her hair out for the wedding. Their brown hair, light eyes, small chins, and heart-shaped faces were enough for anyone to see they were related.

  “This looks like a picture to frame,” Sienna said, leaning in to view the photo.

  They walked toward the field and Dane pointed out the teams already warming up. The band tuned their instruments and a whistle blew from either a coach or the bandleader.

  Ava walked with her arm through Dane’s, though he nearly tripped as he tapped into his phone and checked his e-mail. Sienna stopped frequently as they wove through people with hugs and exclamations of excitement at seeing her again.

  Friday night football was a community reunion. Since Ava had started her ministry, she’d been with a number of these families during the loss of a loved one or other tragedy. Dane was a social animal and had connected with much of the community at various sporting events since Jason was five.

  Ava noticed more people than normal looking their way and whispering over Sienna’s visit. Ava felt that mother-pride in her daughter. Sienna hadn’t married right out of high school, she attended a prestigious school, and she’d left Texas to do it. But more than that, today they were together.

  They searched for number twenty-two on the sidelines where the team huddled together getting last instructions from Coach Ray. Jason was sitting on the bench, which was unusual for the starting lineup.

  “Do people always stare at you guys?” Sienna asked, leaning toward Ava.

  “Never. They must be murmuring over how amazing our daughter looks.”

  “I’m sure that’s it,” Sienna said, rolling her eyes. “But this is so strange seeing all the familiar faces. I can’t believe I’m here,” she murmured as she waved to someone as they walked up the stairs of the home team bleachers, searching for a seat.

  “What do you mean?”

  “It’s just so weird. You think high school is never going to end. Now my little brother is here, and I’m an alumni coming back to watch the games. The football players seemed so cool and grown up. I can’t quite get my head around the idea that Jason and his annoying buddies are out there, and I’m one of the old alumni we used to make fun of, wearing their high school jackets and T-shirts.”

  “You made fun of my high school jacket?” Dane said with a shocked expression.

  “Maybe a little.” Sienna winked at her dad.

  Dane glanced out onto the field. “I’m sure Jason’s buddies would love to see you again. They all had crushes on Jason’s big sister.”

  “They read my diary. I’ll never see them as anything other than little punks.”

  Near the top of the bleachers, they found a row unoccupied and settled in with their bleacher seats and blanket. Ava buttoned the large buttons on her jacket as the evening breeze carried a chill that crept around her neck. Dane had barely sat down before he hopped back up.

  “I’m off to get some food high in trans fat and cholesterol.”

  “What’s that—my daddy learned his first foreign language?”

  Sienna said.

  “Doc said family history can’t be ignored, even though my physical said I could still be playing college ball. What do my girls want?”

  “What’s the hurry?” Ava glanced at her watch. They still had twenty minutes before the game began.

  “You never know what kind of line there’s going to be down there. I don’t want to miss kick off.”

  “Nachos. The works.” So Sienna was eating, Ava observed with relief.

  “Pretzel with salt and mustard. And two Diet Cokes— right?” Ava glanced at her daughter.

  “Of course.”

  Dane kissed each of them on top of the head before heading off, but Ava frowned as he slid his phone from his pocket. More business—would it ever end? At least, she hoped it was business.

  “Are you still in love with Dad?” Sienna studied her face.

  Ava squinted her eye as she studied her daughter in return. This was more than wedding jitters.

  “Why?” Ava asked.

  She shrugged. “I don’t know. Just wondering.”

  “Earlier you asked me how I knew your father was the one.”

  “Is there a law about asking my mom questions?” Sienna said with a smile.

  “There just might be.”

  “Tell me,” she said. “These are important marriage secrets that should be handed down woman to woman like in the tribes of old.”

  Ava thought about the question. “It’s different from how it was at the beginning, but I’m most certainly still in love with him. It’s more than just . . . exciting and heart racing.”

  “Do you miss that?”

  Ava smiled. “Sure, in a way. And there are moments when it comes back. But the steadiness is even better. Settling in and knowing your best friend is always with you, that you have one another for life . . . that’s a pretty incredible thing. And though the beginning of a relationship can have a lot of passion, there’s a lot of fear too.”

  “Yes, that’s true.”

  “What are you worrying about?” Ava asked.

  Sienna shook her head wildly and said with drama, “Absolutely nothing! I’m going to enjoy the moment. Isn’t that what I’m supposed to do, Mama?”

  Ava laughed and let all seriousness go. “You better believe it.”

  Soon the announcer started in, giving the players’ names and numbers and announcing a raffle.

  Dane returned with his arms laden with food and a teetering drink carrier.

  “I haven’t had these in far too long,” Sienna said, taking a tortilla chip covered in nacho sauce and chopped jalapeños.

  “This is the first time this season I’ve eaten a pretzel,” Ava said as they tapped a piece of mustard-slathered pretzel to nacho chip in a food toast. Ava had put the household on a health kick for the past year after Dane’s blood pressure was high and Doc threatened medication. He was still a big meat-and-potato man at heart, but he’d adapted to more chicken, salads, and a few vegetarian dishes.

  “I shouldn’t be having this with the wedding coming.” Sienna cradled the large nachos on her lap, piled with chili, jalapeños, olives, and salsa. “What’s the nacho cheese made of anyway?”

  “I don’t think it’s cheese, but right now, you don’t want to know. Just enjoy.”

  “Something interesting happened,” Dane said after settling back into his seat and pulling his attention away from his phone.

  “What?”

  “Hey, Dane, how’s it going?” Ava looked up at Peter Riley, another team parent. Dane shook the man’s hand and greeted him.

  “It’s great you guys are here. Way to show your support.” The way he said it sounded odd.

  Dane gave a quizzical expression. “Why wouldn’t we be here?”

  “Exactly. That’s the attitude!” Pete said and tipped his hat to Ava. He headed up the stairs toward where his wife was warming up her cowbell at every name that was announced.

  “That was weird,” Dane said. “We’re here every Friday night. Rico Rodriquez said something similar when I was down getting food. Jason didn’t get hurt, did he?
”

  “I’m sure we’d know. Maybe it’s because you missed that scrimmage a few weeks ago?”

  Dane’s jaw clenched. “Yeah, that’s right. I missed a practice game so I’m an awful parent.”

  Ava put her arm on Dane’s arm. “Don’t let him get to you. Rico hasn’t worked in a year, so maybe that’s his way of feeling better about himself.”

  Dane simmered, seeming to consider the thought. They chatted and ate their food as the game finally got underway.

  Jason sat on the sidelines. He’d been first string the entire season. Dane mentioned that perhaps the coach was trying something new. Dane always supported the coaches whether they played Jason or not, unlike many of the parents who seemed to think they were assistants to the coaches.

  At half-time the team was behind. Jason was one of their best players, yet he remained benched. Before the team disappeared into the locker room, Ava saw Jason turn to study the bleachers as if searching for them. He held his helmet under his arm, and the expression on his face read sheer frustration. Ava wanted to rush down and find out exactly what was going on. Suddenly she understood those pushy parents much better.

  The next two quarters continued the Wolves’ downward spiral as the Hawks scored two more touchdowns and a field goal.

  The final buzzer rang with the crowd grumbling, one man yelling toward the referee, and a cowbell tossed onto the field.

  “We could’ve used your kid tonight,” a man shouted as he walked down the middle stairway.

  “I know it,” Dane said, shaking his head.

  “I can’t believe they didn’t play him,” Sienna said, disappointed.

  The crowd dispersed while they hung back in the bleachers until it was pocketed with groups of parents waiting for their sons on the team.

  Ava caught a few parents’ remarks that made it sound like it was Jason’s fault or their family’s that the coach didn’t play him.

  “Hey, Mr. Duke,” Sienna said, waving at an older man standing on the sidelines with his hands shoved deep into his football jacket.

  “Sienna, well, well!” Mr. Duke called back, walking toward the bleachers. He’d been one of Sienna’s favorite teachers— history, Ava recalled—and assisted on the football team. “What are you up to?”