by Hannah Ellis
“Okay,” she said, holding up her hands. “You got me. There was no internet.” She was lying too, but that seemed like a minor misdemeanour compared to the cheating.
“Knew it!” His expression was mock serious as he wrapped an arm around her. “It sounds like hell on earth. How did you survive a week? It’s no wonder you’re emotional!”
She managed a small smile.
“I’ll make us some lunch,” Phil said. “Go and check your emails.”
In the study, Elizabeth took a few calming breaths and opened her laptop. Her email inbox was full of unread messages. While it should have been overwhelming, she found it comforting. It was something to focus on, and that was exactly what she needed. When Phil brought her a sandwich, she forced another smile. She could do this.
By the time she slipped into bed that evening, she was feeling much more positive … until Phil snuggled up to her and nuzzled her neck. Instantly, she thought of Max. She missed him so much.
She tensed as Phil persisted. “Don’t,” she said, edging away from him. For a moment he seemed to be waiting for her to say something more, then finally he retreated to his own side of the bed, mumbling a sarcastic apology. Tears came to Elizabeth’s eyes.
When Phil fell asleep, Elizabeth listened to the rhythmic sound of his breathing. Tears streamed down her face and soaked into her pillow. Thoughts of Max consumed her, and all she wanted was to be back at Seaside Cottage with him. She wondered how long it would take for her life to feel normal again.
It was hours later when she finally fell asleep, exhausted.
Chapter 24
Elizabeth woke on Saturday with a heaviness that seemed to pin her to the bed. She didn’t even attempt to snap herself out of it, just lay on her bed, hating everything. Mid-morning, Phil put a coffee on her bedside table. He sat beside her and the mattress sank under his weight.
“You okay?” he asked.
“I feel like I’m coming down with something,” she said. Another lie.
“Need anything?”
“No. Thanks. I’ll get up in a minute.”
She showered and dressed, and put her hair up and her make-up on as she usually would. Funny how it felt so depressing and unfamiliar.
“Feeling better?” Phil asked when she found him in the kitchen.
“Yes. I was just tired.”
“Do you want to do something today?”
She shrugged and perched on a stool.
“We could go for a round of golf?”
She spluttered out a laugh that sounded slightly manic.
“What’s so funny?” Phil asked, his eyebrows darting together.
“Nothing.” She rubbed at her temples. “Sorry.” She was trying to forget about Max, but everything reminded her of him. Had he ruined golf for her forever? And sunrises? And painted window frames? She chuckled again and shook her head at how ridiculous she was being. “Sorry. I don’t feel like golf.”
“Gonna let me in on the joke?”
“I was only thinking about how much work I missed, but I thought you’d tease me.”
“A week without the internet seems to have had a terrible effect on you,” he said lightly. “But if you want to work, it’s fine. I’ve got some stuff to do too. I just thought it would be good to spend some time together.”
She reached up and kissed his cheek. “How about we get some work done and then go out for dinner this evening?”
“Perfect,” he agreed.
“I need to run into the office,” she said. She didn’t, but she needed to get out of the house and knew the office would be empty – and a good place to hide away on a Saturday afternoon.
“No problem. See you later.”
She got a coffee and a sandwich at the café near work and then went to sit at her desk. She stared at the computer screen without even turning it on. It was weird being there at the weekend when everything was quiet. Whenever she was in the office things were manic, even when they weren’t approaching deadlines. That was the vibe of the place, and she’d always found it exhilarating, but now she wondered whether it was necessary.
After a while, she went over to look out of the window at the busy street below. When she got bored of the view she went outside and headed for a nearby park. She wandered in circles for hours and was sitting on a bench when her phone rang. It was going dark and she’d forgotten all about dinner with Phil.
“Sorry,” she said, quickly. “I’m leaving now. It’s not too late for dinner, is it?”
Part of her hoped it was. All she wanted to do was go to bed and shut out the world. She glanced at her watch, a delicate gold piece which her parents had given her for her last birthday.
“How about Romano’s?” Phil suggested. It was their favourite Italian restaurant. “We could meet there.”
Elizabeth stood up, then wondered where she’d left her car. “Perfect,” she said. “I’m walking out now, hopefully traffic won’t be too bad.”
Thankfully, she hadn’t strayed too far, and reached her car quickly. When she pulled up at a red light ten minutes into the journey, she felt weary. It was starting to feel as if her week in Hope Cove had been a dream. It didn’t feel real. She struggled to comprehend that it was only yesterday that she’d left Max.
Her mind took her back to the previous morning, sitting on the beach watching the sunrise, snuggled up to him. Then an image of him laughing over dinner came to her and made her want to cry. Memories flashed through her mind: Max playing golf. Max reaching out to her as she stumbled in the sea. His cheeky grin as he looked down at her from the ladder. His lips on hers…
A car horn blared and she hurriedly fumbled with the gear stick. The engine stalled and she inhaled deeply, swiping tears from her cheeks and getting herself under control. She waved an apology at the car behind and finally pulled away.
Trying hard to push all thoughts of Max aside, she drove to the restaurant on autopilot. It wasn’t just hard for her to believe it had really happened; it was also hard for her to believe she was the same person. She felt like a stranger in her own skin; an intruder in her own life. All she wanted to do was forget about Max and her minor detour from reality. She wanted her life back to how it had been a week ago when everything made sense and she was perfectly happy. She had been happy a week ago, hadn’t she? Before Max? She couldn’t actually remember.
Focus on Phil, she told herself as she arrived at the restaurant. Pulling the visor down, she checked herself in the mirror, running her fingers under her eyes to remove smudged mascara and reapplying her lipstick.
This was her life and she’d worked hard to get where she was. She wasn’t about to ruin it all because of a stupid crush. That’s what she told herself throughout dinner, while Phil filled her in on his week. She nodded along and did her best to smile in appropriate places. But somehow, she couldn’t bring herself to care. Her appetite had disappeared and she only managed half of her seafood pasta, pushing the remainder around her plate while Phil droned on.
She couldn’t figure out if he hadn’t noticed that she was somewhere else entirely, or if he was politely ignoring the fact. Surely he noticed a difference in her? Maybe he assumed that if he carried on as normal, she’d go back to normal. Maybe she would.
“Sorry, what?” she said, tuning in to Phil again. “A promotion?”
“Yes.”
“And it’s where?”
“Paris,” he said impatiently. “I told them it was impossible, of course. What would you do in Paris? But it got me thinking. It would be great for my career. I’d be Principal Consultant for a new project with one of the biggest clients in France. And it’d be a fantastic experience. They pay all the relocation costs. Imagine us strolling around Paris at the weekends…”
She frowned. “But we couldn’t move to France, Phil. My job is here. Our lives are here.”
“I know,” he said. “It just sounds so amazing.”
“Would you really consider it?” she asked. “If it weren’t fo
r my job.”
“It’s a great opportunity,” he said. “I was flattered they asked me.”
She shook her head and leaned back in her chair. Of course she wouldn’t move to Paris, and she was surprised Phil found it even remotely appealing.
She spotted a toddler in a high chair at the other side of the room. He was banging a spoon on the table while his parents ignored him completely and carried on eating and chatting as though they didn’t even hear the racket.
“It’s a bit late to bring a kid out, isn’t it?” Phil said, following her gaze.
“I suppose.”
She dragged her gaze back to Phil, who’d resumed eating his pizza.
“Do you want kids?” she asked flatly.
“What?”
“We haven’t talked about it recently, and I wondered…”
“Is this why you’ve been acting so strangely?” he asked. “You want a baby?”
“No.” Her eyes welled up and she wasn’t sure why. “I don’t think so. I just thought … we always said we didn’t want children, but what if I changed my mind? Hypothetically.”
He sighed. “I suppose, if you really wanted a baby…” He paused, flustered. “If you really wanted one.”
“If I really wanted a baby you wouldn’t say no?”
“I suppose not. Are we still being hypothetical?”
“Yes,” she said, irritated. “But you definitely don’t want kids?”
“I’ve no burning desire for them. I’m not sure where a baby would fit into our lives. We work so much.”
“I would have to give up work, I suppose.”
“For a while, at least,” he said.
“I’d never make editor-in-chief,” she mused.
“There are always options,” he said. “Nannies and things. I’m not sure.”
“Right,” she said, sighing in annoyance.
“I’m not sure what you want me to say,” Phil said tensely.
“I don’t want you to say anything.”
They descended into a stony silence and Phil finished off his pizza.
Elizabeth wasn’t sure why she’d felt the need to bring up children. It wasn’t as though she suddenly felt her biological clock ticking and had been hit with an overwhelming longing for children. One thing had become clear to her, though: if she were going to have children, she’d want to have them with someone who wanted them too, not someone who’d go along with it if they had to. Someone who’d only be doing it to keep her happy.
She’d want to have a child with someone who would be excited by blue lines on a stick, and who’d sit and whisper to her growing belly. Someone who’d want to spend time with their kids, not farm them out to a nanny.
Her mind drifted to Max, sitting on the hill at the farm and telling her he’d happily be a stay-at-home dad, and that his family would be his priority, not work.
“Are you okay?” Phil asked, interrupting her thoughts. “Where’s all this come from?”
A muscle in her cheek twitched. “I don’t know. I just had lots of time to think while I was away.”
He grinned widely. “I’m telling you, no good comes from not having the internet. Time to think, indeed!”
She smiled, tight-lipped. He was only trying to lighten the atmosphere but, honestly, if he mentioned the internet one more time she thought she might just bash him round the head.
Chapter 25
Going to work on Monday was a relief. Elizabeth was sure that once she got back into her old routine and caught up with her life again, she’d be swept away with it all and be back to normal before she knew it. Her stupid crush would soon be a distant memory – a moment of madness she would look back on with amusement.
“What are you doing?” she asked Emily, the mousy intern, who was in Elizabeth’s office, sitting at her desk, tapping on her computer.
“Oh, God. I’m so sorry. I’m going.”
“Get out of my chair,” Elizabeth said, slowly but firmly.
She hadn’t yet decided if she liked Emily, and anyone who crossed her today probably wasn’t going to come off well. So far Emily hadn’t seemed suited to work at the magazine. She looked constantly terrified, and Elizabeth didn’t have the time or inclination for handholding. Also, Emily was Josie’s friend, so that didn’t endear her to Elizabeth. It almost felt like having a spy at work, and she wondered what Emily reported back to Josie. Not that she really cared.
“I’m sorry,” Emily said again, frantically tapping at the keyboard. What on earth was she up to?
“Just get out,” Elizabeth said again.
“My computer crashed on Friday,” Emily explained. “So I just nipped in here to use yours quickly. But I think I might have left something open. I just need to—”
“You need to get out of my chair,” Elizabeth said, reaching across her to take the mouse. She was intrigued now. “Go!” she said, nudging Emily out of her chair.
“Just close the file,” Emily said frantically, pointing at the computer screen.
“I think I can manage that, thank you.” Elizabeth shooed her out of the room. What was the big deal? She frowned at the Word document open on the screen. Was Emily trying her hand at journalism? It didn’t look like a magazine article…
“Hey!” Karen said as she stuck her head in the room. “Come into my office?”
Elizabeth stood to follow. Then, on impulse, she moved back to the computer, saving the document and emailing it to herself before closing the file.
“Welcome back!” Karen said, in her office. “Please don’t go away again. I don’t like it when you’re not here.”
“I’ll bear that in mind,” Elizabeth said, smiling. “Should I talk to Heidi about the horoscopes?”
“It’s fine,” Karen said, dropping into her chair. “I spoke to her.”
“Oh, God. Did you fire her?”
“No, I did not. I politely and tactfully suggested how things could be improved.”
“Really?”
“Yes!”
“Good. What else have we got going on?”
“I take it you went through your emails at some point?” Karen asked, frowning.
“Yeah. Over the weekend.”
“Great, so you’re already up to speed.”
“Yep,” Elizabeth said, trying to remember what any of her emails had been about. Her mind had gone blank.
“I need you to go over the Winter Getaway section fairly urgently…”
Elizabeth zoned out. Maybe she should plan a winter getaway with Phil. Except it was hard to think of winter when it was still August. That was the trouble with the magazine industry – issues had to be planned months in advance. Besides, another holiday was the last thing she needed. What she should do is immerse herself in work. That would be the best thing. If only she could concentrate for long enough.
Karen was staring at her. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. Still in holiday mode, I guess. I was miles away.”
“Nothing happened with you and that guy, did it?”
“No.” Elizabeth laughed, but it came out weak and pathetic. “Of course not.”
“When did you come home?”
“Friday.”
“I thought you were coming home on Thursday. Something happened, didn’t it? You slept with him.”
“No,” she said forcefully. “Nothing happened.”
“So why did you stay longer?”
“I didn’t. I always planned to stay until Friday.”
“Until you got a crush on the hot guy next door.”
She stood abruptly, irritated by Karen’s questions. “Please don’t sit there accusing me of things I haven’t done – and wouldn’t do.”
“Sorry,” Karen said. “But you’re acting very weird.”
“That doesn’t mean I slept with another man. And to be honest, you’re my boss. Maybe you should act like it occasionally.”
“Woah,” Karen said, her features stony. “I’m your friend. I was asking as a friend, b
ecause clearly something is going on with you.”
Elizabeth stood still, trying to figure out who was out of line. She couldn’t get things straight in her head.
“I’ve got work to do,” she said.
“Okay,” Karen said coolly, leaning back in her chair. “If that’s how you want to be.”
Elizabeth strode back to her office and sat heavily in her chair. Her head dropped into her hands. What was she doing? It wasn’t like her to be so short-tempered. On top of everything else, she now felt bad for snapping at Emily and Karen. She’d have to apologise later.
Taking a deep breath, she pulled herself together and dived into her work.
Chapter 26
She switched completely into work mode and shut everything else out. After making brief apologies to Karen and Emily, she did her best to limit her interactions for the rest of the week. When she did speak to anyone she kept it business-like and formal. Work kept her distracted and she bounced from one task to the next in an almost robotic state. She arrived at the office early and went home late. If she stayed focused on work, she could keep thoughts of Max from creeping in.
It almost worked. Except he was there in her head right before she fell asleep at night and as soon as she woke up in the morning.
On Friday afternoon, when most of her colleagues were leaving for the weekend, Elizabeth headed back to her office with a coffee, determined to get a few more hours in before she left.
“I’ve got wine in my office,” Karen said when they passed in the hall. She’d given Elizabeth a wide berth since she’d snapped at her on Monday. “Tempted?”
She felt a pang of guilt. She missed her chats with Karen, but at some point she was bound to start asking questions again and Elizabeth couldn’t deal with it. It was easier to keep to herself until she was more emotionally stable.
“Sorry. I’ve got a couple of things to finish, and then I need to get home to Phil.”
“Okay,” Karen said, looking at her intensely. She was obviously dying to say something else, but Elizabeth made a dash for her office.
She jumped at the sight of Josie swivelling in her chair.