Secrets of My Hollywood Life: There’s No Place Like Home

by Jen Calonita

  “I was talking to Drew last night, and she was telling me about this fab spa in Palm Springs,” Laney adds. “Why don’t you head down there for a few days and get refreshed? When you get back, we can talk. What do you say?”

  We all look at Mom hopefully, but my hope fades fast.

  “What do I think?” Mom’s voice drips with disdain, her eyes narrowing behind her now streaming mascara. “What do I think? I think you’ve ruined my daughter’s birthday, and you know what that tells me? That you don’t care about her the way I thought you did. And if that’s the case, then I don’t think you should be part of our lives anymore.”

  “Mom!” I freak out.

  “Meg, think before you say anything else,” Dad warns.

  But Mom doesn’t stop. She gains speed. “I am the only one truly looking out for her best interests. I’m the only one who cares enough to tell her the truth—that cupcakes make you fat, two high-profile projects are better than one, and taking time off for college is career suicide.” She glares at all of them. “So what I think is that you’re done here. You’re all fired! Now get out!”

  Everyone is stunned into silence except for me.

  “MOM!” I screech again, my heart pounding. “You can’t do that!”

  “Yes, I can.” Mom raises her eyebrows at me menacingly. She is daring me to disobey. Normally I don’t, but this time is different.

  “Mom, I’m eighteen today,” I say calmly. “Which means that, legally, I have a say here. I want you to take, um, a short break. My team isn’t leaving. They know my career better than anyone. You can’t fire them.”

  Wow, that felt good.

  Mom looks at me strangely. “Ask Nadine if she has your back, Kaitlin. I’m sure that is the one part of our argument this morning that you didn’t hear. If Nadine has your back so much, then why has she been doing so much behind your back?”

  I look at Nadine and see her ears are turning red.

  “Meeting with Laney, dining with Seth, all without you. Why would she need to do that, huh?” Mom demands. “Unless she’s planning a coup d’etat!”

  “Meg, you’re being ridiculous,” Laney insists. “Nadine was asking for business advice, and that’s all. It had nothing to do with Kaitlin.”

  I’m still looking at Nadine. She has been a little odd lately, but I thought she was embarrassed to tell me about a guy she’s seeing. She’s been dressing up more and doesn’t go to all my meetings lately. I’m about to ask what Mom means when I notice the time on the huge Restoration Hardware clock hanging in the kitchen. It’s nine AM. I have to meet my friends in a half hour.

  “I have to go,” I tell everyone.

  “Where?” Mom is incredulous.

  “Today is my birthday, and some people actually want to celebrate instead of cause fights,” I tell Mom, feeling hurt.

  “Kates, don’t be that way,” Matty says. “I want to celebrate with you.”

  “Thanks, Matt,” I say, “but I’m still going.” I look at the others. “None of you are fired, and I’m not doing press for my driving test, Mom, so get rid of everyone!”

  “Kaitlin, get back here,” Mom insists, but Dad cuts her off before she can follow me out of the kitchen.

  As I head up the main hall steps to my room to get dressed, I hear Nadine call to me from the bottom of the landing.

  “Kaitlin, I want to explain.” She looks upset.

  “Come to breakfast,” I suggest. “I’ll be down in five minutes and I’ll meet you in the car. Rod is already out front.” Then I dash up the stairs before anyone else spots me.

  Considering how my birthday just started, you’d think I’d wear all black, but I want to look nice today. Since I have my driving test, I choose sensible Coach ballet flats (no Manolos), a sweet, green, cowl-neck, short-sleeved sweater (after all, green is my lucky color), and dressy Gap jeans. I take the long way around the house, pausing for a moment to accept a hug from Anita, before I sneak past the kitchen. Everyone is still yelling in there. I slip out the door where Rodney has the car idling in the driveway.

  “Happy birthday, Kates,” Rod says, and hands me a Jamba Juice cup. He’s got one of his own in his other hand. Rod is dressed head to toe in black, and his sunglasses are sitting high on his bald brown head. “It’s a Strawberry Nirvana Light smoothie. Your favorite.”

  “Thanks, Rod,” I say gratefully and take a sip of the cool drink. “Ready for your half day off ?”

  He frowns. “Yeah, but I don’t feel right leaving you on your birthday. What if you need me? You are going to be out in public.”

  “Rod, I’ll be fine,” I insist. “Austin is going to drive me home after my driving test. We have a whole day planned. We can drop Nadine off too.”

  “Sure,” she says absentmindedly. She looks so serious.

  Rodney slurps noisily. “Well, if you’re really sure.”

  “I’m positive. I just need this one ride and then you’re off. Enjoy it,” I insist, even though I’m not too sure of anything at the moment. I turn to Nadine, who is biting her fingernails. “Are you okay? What was going on in there?”

  Nadine sighs. “It’s complicated.”

  “Mom shouldn’t have freaked out on you.” I check my makeup in my Bobbi Brown bronzer compact. “Mom has definitely overdosed on her vitamin K pills if she thinks I’m changing my team. Don’t worry. I’ll talk to her and straighten this whole thing out. She’s just stressed.”

  Rodney chuckles. “You always make excuses for her, Kates.”

  “I do not,” I protest.

  Nadine gives me a smart look. “You do too. Always. You let your mom get away with murder.”

  “Sometimes, but she’s my mom,” I say helplessly. “I want to change things. I do. It’s just… I don’t want to hurt her.”

  “You should—” Nadine stops herself and takes a deep breath. “Never mind. It’s your birthday and I’m sorry if I ruined it. You shouldn’t have heard that.” Nadine’s bitten fingernails tap against the binder she’s holding, and I notice she’s fidgety. “I just got so mad when I read your mom’s e-mail! I couldn’t believe she would try to have press cover your driving test without telling us. I texted Laney and Seth, and when they wigged out I knew I was right. I had to see your mom and tell her what I really thought.” Nadine looks at me. “I’m worried she’s going to destroy your career one day, Kaitlin.”

  A pit forms in my stomach. “She wouldn’t do that,” I say hastily.

  “Not on purpose, but—”

  “Don’t say it. If you say it, I might have to agree with you and I’m not there yet. I’ve never seen her cry like that. And you know Mom’s always had a choke hold on me that I’ve never been able to shake. I don’t want it to be like this, but I don’t want to lose my mother either. I love her… but she drives me crazy.” I realize, coming to terms with what is really going on here. I’m so frustrated, my voice goes up in volume. After being the calm one in the kitchen, I finally have a chance to flip out and I’m taking it. “I don’t know what to do!”

  Even I’m surprised by my sudden outburst, but once the words start flying, I can’t stop them. It’s as if I’ve had them bottled for so long, they shoot out like a champagne cork on New Year’s Eve.

  “She ignores everything I say,” I complain. “She thinks she’s always right! She annoys the studio executives, embarrasses me at parties, and she never acts like a mother. Do you know how much I’d give to have her do something motherly without having to question whether she has an ulterior managerial motive?” My lower lip starts to quiver.

  “Kates.” Nadine touches my hand, but I recoil as if she’s on fire.

  “No! You guys act as if I have a choice here. If I do what Sky did, my mom will never forgive me. NEVER. I don’t want that either.”

  Nadine grabs my hands firmly so I can’t get away. “Of course you don’t! But if it’s for the best, your mom will realize that eventually and forgive you. She’s your mom.”

  I sigh. “I know, bu
t she would miss managing me so much. And besides, what if I get what I want and my mom still doesn’t act like a mom?” That thought scares me most of all.

  “That’s not going to happen,” Nadine says. “You’ll get through to her. She might change her ways once she sees how nice it is to have time for a real relationship with you. Then you could hire a new manager.”

  I laugh. “Like who? At least I trust my mom.” On second thought…

  “Hire me,” Nadine says without skipping a beat.

  I sit up and look at her determined face, astonished. “What did you just say?”

  “Yeah, what?” Rodney asks from the front seat.

  Nadine leans forward and talks fast, her eyes glinting excitedly. “Hire me. I know your career in and out. I’ve been following it for years! I’ve been talking to Laney and Seth, and they think I have what it takes to do talent management. They said they’d help me find clients and expand my base. Kaitlin, we’d be great together. I know you’d be happy.”

  I can’t get past the first part. If Nadine is going to be a manager, that means she’s no longer going to be my assistant. “But that means…”

  “Yes,” Nadine says softly. “I’m resigning as your assistant. I was going to tell you after Christmas and give you a month to find someone new, slowly phase myself out, but after what happened this morning…” She shakes her head.

  Nadine is leaving me. She is not going to be my assistant anymore.

  I can’t live without Nadine! She knows everything about me! I trust her completely! I can’t run my life without her!

  I should take her up on her offer.

  But I can’t! Mom would flip. I might as well say I want Nadine to be my mom instead of her. I wouldn’t put it past her to disown me. She’s already mad enough about the college applications. Can you imagine what she would do if she found out I was firing her for Nadine? I can’t let her continue on this power trip, though. She can’t fire Laney and Seth. I won’t allow it. Dad won’t either. He’ll back me up.

  “Kates?” Nadine looks at me questioningly. “What do you think?”

  “I don’t know.” I bite my lower lip. “I’m happy for you. You’ve said forever that being an assistant was just a temporary thing, but I guess I blocked that out of my mind. I think you’re going to be an incredible manager.” Nadine smiles shyly. “I’m just going to really miss you.” Here come the tears.

  “Kates! Don’t cry,” Nadine says and offers me a tissue from the box in the back of the car. “You don’t have to miss me! I’ll take on a new role. I know I can do a good job.”

  “I know you would.” I sniffle. “I just don’t know what to do. How did this all happen?” I wipe away my tears. “I know you’ve been talking about business school again lately, but I didn’t know you were thinking of a new career.”

  Nadine looks down. “I wasn’t, but then someone asked me to be their manager. I thought they were crazy at first, but when I thought about it, I liked the idea of shepherding someone’s career.” Her eyes are bright with excitement. “I surprised myself by saying yes.”

  The car slows to a halt in front of Barneys New York, where we’re meeting Austin, Liz, and Sky for breakfast. The department store has a great restaurant on the fifth floor called Barney Greengrass, and we love to have breakfast on the outdoor terrace overlooking the hills. I glance upward and see the tables and the white umbrellas on the top floor. I also see a huge thing of balloons, which are probably for me. That makes me smile. A little.

  “Wow, someone asked you to be their manager?” I ask, slightly jealous, slightly in awe. “Who?”

  The valet opens the car door and Nadine slips out first. I get out after her and get blinded by a flashbulb. And another. And a third.

  “Hi, guys,” I say, smiling even though I feel dizzy from both their lights and what Nadine just told me.

  “Kaitlin! Over here! Can you take a few pictures?”

  “Kaitlin? Kaitlin! Kaitlin!”

  Their voices sound grating at a moment like this. I can’t smile right now. I can’t get it together to pose. I feel bad, but I always pose for these guys. Can’t I pull the diva card just this once? Larry the Liar is not there, but I recognize some of the others. They are an aggressive bunch. The kind I can’t stand but tolerate so that they don’t make me miserable. They yell the nastiest things if you don’t cooperate. Today, I don’t care. I wave once and follow Nadine quickly into the department store.

  “Nice, Kaitlin! Happy holidays to you too! Way to act like a movie star! You so aren’t one!”

  Ouch.

  I try to ignore their taunts and concentrate on Nadine. She’s going on about how torn she’s been about this decision and what a great opportunity it is, but all I can think about is who her first client is. Is it someone new to Hollywood? Someone already huge? It could be anyone! Everyone loves Nadine when they meet her. Miley is always telling me how lucky I am to have a great assistant. Did Miley poach Nadine? When we reach the restaurant, the gang is waiting at a table on the terrace. The balloons are for me—pearl, pink, and silver ones are bopping around in the light breeze. The table is set with the standard white tablecloth, but I notice someone threw birthday confetti on there as well. A pile of beautifully wrapped presents lies near one of the bamboo chairs. I’m touched, but I still feel so depressed. (Did Mom even say happy birthday to me?)

  “Happy birthday!” Liz throws her arms around me, but she pulls back quickly, looking from Nadine’s solemn face to mine. “What’s wrong?”

  “Are you all right, Burke?” Austin asks and gives me a quick kiss. “You look pale.”

  “You told her, didn’t you?” Sky asks Nadine quietly. She’s holding a huge bouquet of sunflowers, and she lets them drop to her side. “I thought we were going to do it together.”

  “I had to,” Nadine explains. “It was a bad morning.”

  “You know Nadine is going to be a manager?” I ask Sky, looking from her to Nadine in confusion. I can’t believe Nadine told Sky before me!

  “Yes,” Sky says awkwardly, “because she’s going to be mine.”

  EIGHT: Crash Landing

  “You’re Nadine’s client?” I freak out. Several well-dressed women sipping English breakfast tea at a nearby table give me a disapproving look, but I’m too shocked by Sky’s bombshell to apologize. “You asked Nadine to be your manager? You poached Nadine?” My head is swiveling from Nadine’s embarrassed face to Sky’s sort-of-defiant one at warp speed. “How did you…​when did you…I don’t understand why both of you…”

  Austin pulls out a chair and I sink into the green cushion. I may never leave this chair again. At least I’ll have food, and if I need a change of clothes I can walk inside and buy some comfy James Perse pants. I feel like the floor is dropping out from under me. First my mommy issues flooded to the surface, then Nadine’s bombshell, and now Sky is taking my assistant? No, stealing my assistant? “When did this happen?”

  Nadine pulls up a chair next to me, leaning in so I can hear her every word. “I didn’t want you to find out this way, but you cannot be mad at Sky,” she says, her voice insistent. “I adore you and I only want what’s best for you. You’re like a sister to me.” Nadine’s eyes glisten. “I know you well enough to know why you’re mad. It’s not because I’m leaving, it’s because I’m leaving to be Sky’s manager.”

  “You think?” I fan my napkin out angrily and place it on my lap. I reach for the bread bowl, pulling out a warm roll and taking a bite so that I don’t say anything I’ll regret, like: How could Nadine do this to me? Leaving me is one thing—I have to accept that. She always said this was a short-term position, and she’s been with me for years. But now she’s staying in Hollywood and taking on Sky as her client? I glare at Sky. “I should have expected this from you,” I say coldly and swipe some butter from the tray with my knife. “Everyone warned me, but I said noooo, Sky’s changed! She would never stab me in the back again. We’re friends now. Ha!”

  Sky t
akes the seat across from me, and I feel like I’m about to be interrogated. “We are friends, K. I did this for both of us! You and I both know Nadine was wasting her talents spending her day picking up Marc Jacobs tops from the dry cleaner and going on Pinkberry runs.” She looks at Nadine glowingly. “N here deserves to be a manager. I saw it the first time she laid into you about your mom’s career advice. She can do this!”

  I feel my cheeks flame. “Don’t you think I know Nadine is talented?” I look at Nadine, and my lip begins to tremble. “I always knew you were going to do something great. Like work for the Obamas! I knew this day would come. I just didn’t think it would be today.”

  “Guys, it’s her birthday,” Austin says quietly, and for the first time I notice how good he looks, standing behind my chair, one hand on my shoulder. He’s in an untucked navy blue dress shirt and worn dark denim jeans. “And she’s got a road test in a few hours. Can’t we put this aside and deal with it tomorrow?”

  Everyone looks at him. “No,” we say in unison.

  Boys just don’t understand us sometimes. Once you take the cat out of the bag, you can’t cram it back in.

  “I don’t think I’m up for taking my road test today anyway,” I tell Austin and look down at my white plate guiltily. “I don’t want to do it in front of the media. Mom invited press to my driving test.”

  “She did what?” Liz’s face is as dark as the indigo headband holding back her curly hair. She stands up, giving me a good look at the drop-waist green Marc Jacobs dress she’s wearing. “Why?”

  I look at the mountains again, staring deeply at a cool house on a cliff to avoid Liz’s piercing stare. “She thought it would be good exposure.”

  “Celebrity Insider filming your road test is good exposure?” Liz is stunned. “Kates! Why didn’t you try to stop her?”

  “I did, but there were bigger things going on at the moment. She was in the middle of firing Laney, Seth, and Nadine this morning when I found out!” I break off.

  “KATES!” Liz’s head is going to spin off and land on Wilshire Boulevard. “You didn’t let her, did you?”