“I’m losing the baby aren’t I?” I cried out.
“Come on now we don’t know that yet.” Nan said with conviction. “Lots of women have a bleed whilst they’re pregnant. Let’s not speculate Ella, wait till you get to the hospital and they’ll sort you out. It’ll all come right in the end you mark my words.”
Nan drove for forty torturous minutes to the nearest hospital nattering away absent-mindedly as she did to try and keep me calm. I started to get cramps but I tried to hide them from her. I knew myself this wasn’t right, it was anything but. By the time we pulled up to the entrance of the emergency room I could no longer hide my cramps, the pain was excruciating and I was doubled over on the front passenger seat.
“Wait here love I’ll get help.” Nan ran into the hospital and reappeared moments later with a young nurse and, oh no was that Simon Tate? I thought he was a bloody GP, what the hell was he doing here at the hospital at this time of the night?
“Hey Ella, I’m on call tonight, I was just admitting one of my elderly patients and I saw your Nan. I hope you don’t mind me coming out, but I thought I could help you up to the maternity ward, I’ll do what I can to help you Ella.”
I didn’t have time for his niceties.
“Please Simon, just get me in.” I wailed.
I thought he was going to put me on a stretcher or in a wheelchair but he lifted me in his arms and ran to the hospital doors and into the reception area. He didn’t stop for anyone and made straight for the lifts, pushing the button for the floor he needed and leaving everyone else including Nan behind in his haste.
“It’ll be okay Ella, don’t worry it’ll all be okay.” He said soothingly.
“I don’t want to lose my baby.” I cried and he looked down into my eyes with so much sympathy I just sobbed and held his shirt to me, my head burying in his chest as he kissed the top of my head. I was sure I felt a tear drop from his eyes too, he was such an empathetic person, always had been.
Once the lift doors opened up to the corridor for the maternity unit, Simon strode forward, using his pass to open the doors and get me seen as soon as possible. Once the midwives saw me it felt like the place erupted into chaos, everyone on action stations.
Simon carried me to a private room and a group of midwives gathered machinery, towels and all sorts of scary equipment.
“Are you the father?” One of them asked Simon and he shook his head but I couldn’t bear to be parted from him he was like the raft I was clinging to in this sea of despair.
“Please let him stay, I need him.” I demanded, and they nodded.
Simon sat next to the bed and held my hand as they did the awful checks they needed to do to assess the situation. The next few hours went by in a blur of activity. I can barely recount what happened, what was said and in what order. All I can recall is that there was no heart beat detected. Apparently there was evidence that the pregnancy tissue was infected at some point, I wasn’t sure, but I do remember them prepping me for surgery.
My next clear memory was waking up in the hospital. Nan and Simon were on either side of me and both were asleep in their chairs. I lifted the bed covers and looked down at my tummy, a tear running down my cheek as it hit me, there was no babba anymore. No little bean cooking away in there. My last link to Joe was gone. I felt empty, worthless and guilty. Had I done something wrong? Was it the dance class last night, was that too much exercise?
Maybe I hadn’t taken good enough care of myself, I had been drinking early on in the pregnancy. It had to be that, I didn’t deserve this baby obviously. I felt like a total failure, even Anna had managed to get to five months without losing her baby. Oh God Anna, she would love all this. How would I ever be able to deal with her and Joe parading a new born baby around when mine was gone forever? In that moment I wished God had taken me too.
Simon stirred next to me then slowly opened his eyes. When he saw that I was awake he sat forward and held my hand. His face was awash with sympathy.
“I lost my baby didn’t I?” I asked already knowing the answer.
“Yes. I’m so sorry Ella. They said it won’t affect any future pregnancies though, which I know is no consolation now but one day it might be. You can still have children Ella.”
I smiled down at him as he bowed his head. He really was one in a million.
“You stayed here all night. Don’t you need to get to your surgery this morning for your patients?”
“There’s a locum who’s covering for me today. I couldn’t leave you Ella, you looked so frightened. I needed to know you were going to be alright.” His brown eyes were full of concern, he looked heartbroken for me.
“Thank you. I don’t know what I’d have done without you Simon, you got me through everything last night.”
“I didn’t do anything special Ella.” He bent his head with what looked like regret.
“Yes you did. I needed a familiar face, someone in my corner who was looking out for me, and you made me feel… safe.” Simon smiled shyly at me.
“You’ll feel a lot of mixed emotions in the next few months Ella, and I’ll be here to help you through them. I’ve had patients who have dealt with this before so I’ve got some experience. Just know that whatever you’re feeling is the right thing for you at that moment and although it doesn’t feel like it now you will heal and move on in time.”
I heard Nan shuffle about in her chair so I told Simon to go and get some rest and something to eat and drink. He nodded reluctantly before standing up and kissing me on the head then heading out.
“You okay love? You in any pain?” Nan asked holding my other hand now.
“I’m sore and my tummy hurts but I’m okay. I just feel so empty. What did I do wrong Nan?” I burst into tears now, crying uncontrollably for my lost little bubba. The poor thing hadn’t stood a chance with an emotional wreck of a mother like me.
“Now stop that right now, you did absolutely nothing wrong. The Doctors said last night these things just happen sometimes. You can’t beat yourself up over this Ella. It’s sad and I know you feel heartbroken but it isn’t the end of your life child. I had a miscarriage before I caught with your Mum you know.”
“Really Nan? I had no idea. I’m so sorry.” I stopped crying to look over at my Nan with fresh eyes.
“I lost mine at twenty weeks. It was horrific at the time, I had to give birth to my little boy, but we mourned him, then dusted ourselves off and got to work on making your Mum and I’m glad we did. I wouldn’t have you if we hadn’t moved on with our lives. Things happen for a reason Ella. We don’t always know what the reason is, but there will be one.”
“I’m glad I have you Nanna, I couldn’t get through this without you.”
“You have Simon too. Oh I know you don’t see him like that but that boy loves the bones of you Ella. He was a Godsend last night.”
“I know. I agree, but please Nan…no match making okay?”
“I’ll try my best to keep my nose out.”
6
I was discharged into Nan’s care with pain killers and advice on safe sex, which was so not necessary right now. I planned on being a nun for the foreseeable future. I had lots of tears and anger, which Nan let me offload for the first few weeks, then eventually she kicked me into ‘recovery mode’ and treated me a little more harshly reminding me that life goes on.
Simon was a constant in my life as I went through each stage of grief. He took me out to get me fresh air, let me rant and rave without fighting back, and gave me hugs when I needed them. He was amazing, he was my rock.
Nan had phoned Robyn to tell her the awful news, I couldn’t face talking about it to anyone who hadn’t been there that night. It was as if I didn’t want to say the words out loud because they were too much for my brain to deal with. Robyn sent her love and Chris’s too and told Nan to pass a message onto me. Nan had no idea what it meant, but I did.
‘Anna is a massive liar, it was all made up and I’ve seen the proof myself. When you
come back home, know you’re coming back to a strong group of friends who will protect you from witches like her in the future.’
Joe had gone from having two babies to none in a few weeks. I was livid at Anna, furious in fact, how could she be so vindictive to make something like that up? I knew she hated me but to do something so truly dreadful was beyond my comprehension. I started to blame her for my loss, and vowed that if I ever saw her again I would destroy her.
The day Joe had arranged for our wedding came and went. I spent that day on my own on the beach listening to the gentle waves of the sea, only nature was there to invade my thoughts and it did so in a calming, soothing way. I wondered what Joe was doing and I cried for what we’d both lost these last few months. I knew he’d been the love of my life but I couldn’t ever imagine being with him again after this. I couldn’t handle the drama anymore, I needed some stability in my life but most of all I needed to focus on me and getting myself back to the real world.
“Right my girl, today is the first day of the rest of your life.” Nan was doing a Robyn and had stormed into my bedroom, throwing back my bed covers and opening the curtains to force me awake. I tried to roll over and pull them back over me but she ripped them right off the bed making me curl into a ball to fend off the cold air that was biting me through my thin pyjamas.
“Not a chance my girl, you’ve wallowed in pity long enough and it stops now. You’re not the first girl to lose a baby and yes it’s terrible, but you didn’t die too that night. I’ve told Simon he has to stop pandering to you as well and grow a pair.”
“Nan, don’t say that! I hope you didn’t upset Simon he’s been really good to us.”
“Yes he has, but he’s in love with you Ella and him brooding over you when I know you have no intention of being with him the way he wants you to be is just plain cruel. I know you don’t mean to be cruel Ella, but it is. He needs to start getting on with his own life and you need to get on with yours. I’ve rung that lovely gentleman you work with, Frank is it? I didn’t tell him about your loss but I told him we’d had a death in the family that you didn’t want to talk about. I also told him you’d be back at work on Monday morning.”
“Nan! Why did you do that? I can’t face work right now.” I groaned, throwing my head back on the pillow in exasperation.
“Oh yes you can girl. You worked hard to get that job and I’ll be damned if you lose it now. Chin up my girl, you’re a Reid so start acting like one.”
“You’re way too bossy.” I sat up huffing out loud and swinging my feet onto the floor.
“That lovely Frank said you have a very special opening night planned for next Friday and he wants you there. He said you’d done all the organising and you need to take the praise. Some kind of health club or spa he said.”
My stomach dropped into my feet, Joe’s opening night. I had done everything for it, but even as a work event I didn’t think I had the energy to attend it. I couldn’t be in the same room as him. In some small way I blamed him as well for the miscarriage, even though he hadn’t even known I was pregnant. There was no reason behind my feelings, but I couldn’t help it.
“Ella, it’s a chance to put on your glad rags and shine. Hey you could even show them the salsa moves Paolo taught you.” I had to laugh at this, images of taking Paolo with me and being flung around the dancefloor invaded my mind.
“Fine, I’ll go back to work, but I’m not promising anything. I don’t feel like donning any glad rags right now.”
“That’s a shame, Robyn said your gold dress had been delivered yesterday. Its hanging up in your room ready to be worn and she told me you’d brought it especially for this event.”
She was right, I’d trawled shops and websites to find the perfect dress and it was the most awesome dress I’d ever seen. I had been so excited to wear it, probably more excited than the white Versace number Joe brought me.
“Fine, I’ll think about it.” I huffed again.
Nan helped me pack up the few things I’d accumulated since I’d been staying with her. Then she made my favourite homemade cottage pie for dinner with blueberry and apple tart for dessert. Simon came over to join us, and as I opened the door to let him in I noticed he looked tired and forlorn.
“Simon, are you okay, you look tired.”
“I’m okay Ella,” He replied softly, “I’ll just miss you so much. Is there no way I can convince you to stay?”
“I’ll miss you too Simon, but I need to go back. As much as I’ve enjoyed being here my place is in the city. You can come and visit me you know.”
I rubbed his arm then gave him a friendly hug. I felt him relax into me and breathe me in and I knew in that instance that Nan was right, I had to get away and he needed to know that there was nothing more than friendship between us.
We ate Nan’s fabulous home cooked meal, Nan and I talking ten to the dozen and Simon sitting quietly nodding and looking like it was his last supper. He’d brought a plastic bag into the bungalow with him and he reached down for it after dinner.
“I thought we could do something to say goodbye one last time tonight, if that’s okay with you Ella. Goodbye to the baby and goodbye to you too I suppose.” He looked heart broken, I suddenly felt so guilty for doing this to him, I truly hadn’t seen this coming.
He pulled out a box of sky lanterns and I almost burst into tears. What a beautiful thought, he was so considerate. I hated myself then for being so picky and not being satisfied to become the village doctor’s wife. I always had been a free spirit like my Mum I suppose; reliable, safe and steady just didn’t do it for me.
Nan politely declined the invitation to join us and light a lantern, making the excuse that she’d have to wash up before the baked on food ruined her crockery, but I knew she’d done the main washing up before Simon had arrived. So Simon and I took the short walk down to the small sandy beach at the bottom of the lane. He held my hand as we part climbed and part stumbled down onto the sand then we both sat in silence watching the waves.
“This was a really thoughtful idea Simon. Thank you.”
“I wish you wouldn’t go Ella. Is there nothing I can say or do to make you stay?”
“I don’t belong here Simon, I need to go home now.”
He sighed and picked up my hand, oh no, I knew what was coming and I had to tread extremely carefully.
“You know I love you don’t you Ella.”
“I love you too Simon but as a friend. You understand that don’t you. You are one of my best friends and I couldn’t have got through these last few months without you, but I can’t give you anything more than friendship. I’m sorry Simon.”
“I know, but maybe in time you might grow to love me. Ella I think about you all the time. There’s nothing I’d want more in this life than to call you my wife. We could have a long engagement if that would help? Ella, I’ll do anything to try and win you round. You mean the world to me.”
“I’m sorry Simon, I can’t marry you, not now not ever. We wouldn’t work, you belong here and I belong in the city.”
He rubbed my hand then let it fall back into my lap. “If friendship is all you can offer I’ll take that. I’d take whatever you could give Ella.” I smiled and reached over to kiss him on the cheek. He tried to turn his head so he could kiss me on the lips but I pulled back.
“Sorry.” He muttered.
“Don’t be, you’re so lovely Simon. You’ll make a girl very happy one day.”
“But not you.”
“No, not me. Come on lets light these lanterns.”
We stood up and Simon pulled out a lighter to light our lanterns.
“To friendship.” He said smiling down at me.
“To best friends.” I replied, letting my lantern soar into the air and up over the landscape.
“I’ll always be here for you Ella, if you ever need anything I’m just a phone call and a drive away.”
“I know Simon, and thank you. You’ve been my guardian angel. I’ll never
forget that.”
We stood in silence watching the glowing lanterns glide through the air and across the rippling waves until they became a pinprick of burning light in the sky. I prayed in that moment that Simon would let me drift away as easily as the lanterns had. I wanted to be free to soar on my own, not tied down to this place or to him. He had been my rock but it was time for me to emerge from under his wing and make my own way, to find my own strength. Simon had always been a follower, but I wasn’t and I could never be with one either.
We said our final goodbyes outside Nan’s bungalow and Simon drove off back to his steady structured life. I went back into the warmth of the bungalow to spend my last night with my cute feisty Nanna before I headed back to my unpredictable, hectic and heart stopping life in the city.
7
“How are the final preparations going for the opening?” Frank asked me as I sat at my desk trying to catch up on all the work I’d missed since being away. I looked around the office at a loss for what to say. Although I had made the initial arrangements, I hadn’t been involved in finalising the last minute checks.
“It’s all good to go.” Chris piped up.
“Everything has been checked and double checked and all the attendees have been catered for. Kim has agreed to go to the club early on Friday and coordinate the caterers, entertainment and any other people involved to ensure it all goes off without a hitch.” Colin added.
I mouthed a ‘thank you’ to them both, they had covered my ass more than once this week since I’d come back to the office, and I was more than grateful that Kim had been drafted in to do the final checks on the day, something I was not looking forward to facing myself.
“Are you all coming? It would be good to have as many of us there as possible. It’s a golden opportunity to network and we all deserve a night out too to celebrate, don’t you think?” Frank looked expectantly at us each in turn.
“Ella and I will be there, we’re going together.” Chris answered for me.
Forever Yours Page 3