“If that’s the truth then you can give me the space I need. I need to be by myself Joe. I can’t be drawn into your world again and lose myself like I did before. I have things I need to work through.”
“What things? What’s so important that we can’t work through them together?”
“Nothing.”
I turned to leave and headed back to marquee to get away. I couldn’t get into a fight here with Joe I still felt too raw and I couldn’t trust myself not to blurt out things I needed to keep to myself for the time being. I needed to laugh and let myself go tonight; keep things superficial and frivolous not deep, dark and depressing. I knew Chris could give that to me so I made a beeline for him and dragged him onto the dancefloor.
9
A few glasses of champagne later and we were officially owning the dancefloor. Frank and Eric had very graciously done the rounds networking with all the big wigs in the building, then made their excuses and left about an hour ago, taking Marge with them. The dancefloor was now packed solid and the DJ was back in the 21st century playing today’s latest tunes. Robyn was dancing with a hot bouncer who had obviously clocked himself off for the night and was busy guarding Robyn’s body from the rest of the men on the dancefloor. Chris and I were in the zone doing our thing with the occasional addition of Max showing us his Dad dancing moves. Dancing was not Max’s forte but he didn’t care as he let loose with us. Joe was nowhere to be seen and to be completely honest I was glad, maybe some of what I’d said had actually hit home and he was giving me the space I needed.
“Let’s go into the main hall baby girl, there’s a cocktail bar we haven’t been to yet and I want to try sex on the beach.” Chris shouted above the music, sliding his arm through mine and almost pulling me to the floor as he stumbled towards the exit.
“Too much sand, way too messy.” I laughed back as we headed out and Chris smacked my ass playfully.
We were staggering about all over the place, the straight path to the hall didn’t help us as we zig zagged our way across the lawns at the back of the club almost falling on our asses more than once. I looked up confused at the path we’d taken that had put us further away from the main hall than nearer to it.
“What are you doing? You’re pissed.” Joe was walking towards us, he must have been somewhere in the grounds taking a walk or had found a quiet spot to hide and avoid us all.
“We are pissed and we are off to get cocktails!” I nodded proudly to myself and grinned up at Chris who was swaying and struggling to focus on anything, he was squinting like a mole trying to decipher where we were and how we’d managed to get so lost.
“No you’re not. You’ve had enough for one night.” Joe snapped indignantly.
“Who are you my father? If I want another drink I’m having one.”
“Not here you won’t.”
“Gonna throw me out then are you?” I glared at him now, daring him to say yes so I could flounce off as best as my unsteady drunken feet could carry me.
“I’ll carry you over my shoulder and take you home right now Ella if you carry on speaking to me like that.”
Joe stepped forward into my space now and I knew he was beyond furious. Even in my drunken state I knew not to push him any further.
“Why don’t you just back off! I mean…yes you’re hot as fuck but Ella deserves better….you’ve done nothing but fuck up her life since she met you and you can’t even give her a break after everything, the girls still recovering from the miscarriage and you’re on at her even now. Asshole.”
Shit, shit, shit.
Had Chris really just said that out loud? I took a deep nervous breath in and looked at Joe, his eyes were wide and his mouth was open in pure shock.
“You were pregnant?…Ella?... You were pregnant and you didn’t think to tell me?... He knew but I didn’t. What the hell Ella, why didn’t you tell me?”
Chris sank down to the grass clumsily and put his hands over his face muttering sorry to me but it didn’t matter now, the truth was out there. I stood as tall as my tipsy frame would allow and looked Joe in the eyes with as much confidence as I could muster.
“I tried to tell you. I came to tell you in my lunch hour but Anna beat me to it.” I said spitefully, knowing it would hit him hard but I didn’t care.
“Oh my God Ella, that day you were pregnant and you stood there listening to all that. Why didn’t you tell me, sweet heart I would have done everything in my power to look after you. Bloody Anna, she did this, I’ll kill her for this.”
“I thought one baby was enough for you to deal with that day. It’s not like you even want to have kids anyway.” Again another low blow from me but I couldn’t stop myself they just kept coming out of my mouth.
“You were having our baby Ella, there’s nothing I’d want more with you. Why wouldn’t you share that with me? Anna is a vindictive cow, always has been and I have no idea why she tried to pin her brat on me because I’ve never slept with her. Money no doubt. But you…” He sighed sadly, “Ella I would have been ecstatic…my God Ella I would have been the happiest man alive. Why did you feel you couldn’t tell me? I thought we were closer than that?” He looked visibly hurt.
“Obviously not. We’d never discussed having a baby and I needed time to get used to it myself. I wasn’t sure how you’d react.” I couldn’t look at him right now, I felt ashamed.
“I told you I wanted it all with you and that includes family, kids, everything.”
“It doesn’t matter now anyway, the baby’s gone. I’m not pregnant and we can both get on with our lives.”
“It’s that easy is it?” He shook his head and looked down at the ground. “For you maybe its easy Ella, you had all the control, but I need to know what happened. I need you to talk to me. I don’t want to just get on with my life, I can’t. My life has been on hold since you left me. I can’t cope with this silence any more Ella.”
“I can’t talk about it, I’m sorry.” I started crying now, emotions I’d worked hard to bury were resurfacing and drowning me.
“If I’d known I would have been there, looked after you. You were in hospital losing our baby and you wouldn’t let me be there, you made the decision and you took that away from me. That breaks my heart Ella.”
“Don’t worry Joe, Simon took good care of her.”
Bloody Chris had piped up again and I felt like kicking him. He was making things a million times worse. Joe’s face was suddenly murderous.
“Who the fuck is Simon? Have you moved onto someone else already?”
He was shaking with fury and I was scared. For the first time in my life Joe was scaring me.
“No, he’s an old school friend. No I didn’t sleep with him and no I’m not with him. I’m single and I intend to stay that way.”
Joe started breathing deeply in relief at my honesty and exasperation at my single status no doubt.
“He still asked you to marry him though didn’t he Ella?”
“What the fuck Chris, why don’t you just shut up, you aren’t helping here.” I screamed at him. I knew he was hopeless when he was drunk, but he was seriously throwing me under the bus right now.
“Two months away and another guy has proposed to you? What the fuck!”
Joe ran his hands through his hair and stared up at the sky as if he was looking for some divine intervention.
“It was a pity proposal, I’ve known him since I was four years old. He felt sorry for me, protective. I would never have married him for God sake!”
“Marry who?” Max said as he walked over to where we were standing. I could see Robyn close behind him a look of fear on her face. She knew shit was hitting the fan.
“Did you know Ella was pregnant?” Joe asked Max accusingly.
“No. Fuck no, you think I’m such a shit friend I’d keep something like that from you?” Max replied looking over at me in shock.
“Well Ella did. She told her friends but couldn’t tell me. Now I find out she had a miscarriag
e that she thought I didn’t need to know about and some guy proposed to her all in the space of two months. Welcome to my shitty life.”
Joe held his hands out then turned his back on us all.
“I didn’t do any of it to piss you off Joe. I was going to tell you I just needed a few weeks to get my head straight. I didn’t know things would go so… wrong.”
My patience was wearing thin now and I needed to get away. I had had enough of our little trip down memory lane. Too much booze and heightened emotions would only lead to tragedy if I didn’t walk away and take a time out.
“I want to go home. Robyn can we go home?” I pleaded.
“Yeah sure, come on Chris you ready?” She went to grab Chris and I stalked off ahead muttering.
“You can leave him festering there for all I care he isn’t my favourite person right now.”
Joe called out to me, “Ella you can’t avoid me forever, we need to sort this out.”
“Whatever. I’m not doing this anymore tonight.” I called over my shoulder and headed to the front entrance where a line of cabs were waiting to ferry the happy guests away, oh and me.
I jumped in the front as Robyn shoved Chris into the back seat then joined him. As we pulled away I saw Joe standing next to the cab but I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. A mixture of anger, embarrassment and shame swept over me. God what had I turned into? It was his baby too and he’d need to mourn just like I had. I’d been a bitch and taken that away from him. He’d never forgive me. Why did that bother me so much?
I closed my eyes and let the cab drift down the driveway and take me away from the car crash that was my life. I had royally fucked it all up, but I couldn’t run anymore I needed to face up to this. I needed to do the right thing.
10
I woke up on Saturday morning with the head from hell. All the God awful moments from the night before coming back to me in flashes of excruciating embarrassment, horror and remorse. How did things end up like this? Why was everything such a mess? I knew I’d have to face Joe eventually but I dreaded it. I realised how selfish I’d been lately and I’d been too ashamed to admit it before now. It had taken a drunken truthful Chris to out me and make me face up to my reality. I should have been honest with Joe from the start. I had a lot of growing up to do I knew that. Was I being too hard on myself? Probably, probably not but my head wasn’t in the right place at the moment to make any sound judgement.
I dragged my sorry ass out of the bed and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and freshen up. I was already missing the anonymity that being with Nan had afforded me, city life in comparison was way more intense and there was no escape from the misery of my hopeless decisions.
“Jeez how much did we drink last night?” Chris groaned from the sofa as I made my way downstairs.
“We both had way too much to drink, but I wasn’t too keen on the truth serum you took with all the alcohol Chris.”
I went to walk straight past him, not wanting to start my day off with a fight with my best friend.
“I’m so so sorry Ella, I don’t know what got into me. If I could take it all back I would.”
“Too late now Chris, my life has gone from car wreck to train wreck in a matter of hours. I don’t think there’s any amount of damage control that can help me.”
Robyn came out of the kitchen and rolled her eyes at me.
“Chris, you threw Ella under the bus and the lorry last night. Did you really need to tell Joe about Simon?”
“Oh shit I told him about Simon too? Man I must have been wasted. Ella, you have my permission to carry out whatever revenge you see fit. Please don’t defriend me though babes I couldn’t handle that.”
I sighed, “I could never defriend you Chris, no matter how much of an ass you make of yourself and me. He’d have found out sooner or later. Let’s face it my secrets never stay secret for very long. At least you were all there to whisk me away in the cab. I knew last night would end with some kind of drama I just didn’t envision it being quite so brutal.”
I sat down on the sofa next to Chris and he leaned over to give me a friendly hug.
“Just for your information I have now convinced myself that Max is totally in love with you. I’ve been umming and ahhing over it for months now but watching him last night there was no doubt in my mind.” Boy Chris was on a roll.
“At least you didn’t blurt that one out thank God!” Robyn barked in reprimand at Chris’s flippant response to my situation.
“You are off your head if you believe that Chris; you’re totally wrong. Max is a friend, he’s just touchy feely that’s all. So get that little scenario out of your warped brain right now Mister. The last thing I need is any more drama. No more Chris you hear? Max is not up for discussion, he’s Joe’s best friend and a good friend of mine too, he’d never even dream of going there.”
“I agree with Ella on this one Chris, you really need to keep your nose out. I think you did enough damage last night mate.”
Chris hung his head down and then lay down, planting his head in my lap in a show of regret. His puppy dog eyes looking up at me in forgiveness.
“I forgive you Chris, just let me deal with my own shit from now on okay?”
He nodded and got up to make us both a cuppa. I’d have him on tea and coffee duty for a long time to come after this.
I grabbed our laptop from the coffee table and logged into my personal email. Amongst the usual sales, clothes shop ads and junk mail I saw his email address.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Title: We need to talk…
I know I’m the last person you want to see right now but please can we talk? I need to know what happened.
Joe x
I couldn’t put him off, not any more. The sooner I explained everything the sooner we could all move on. I knew seeing him again without the alcohol in my system to steady my nerves would be hard, but I owed it to myself and my little lost babba to put things right. I owed it to him too.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Title: Okay
I can come to see you tomorrow (Sunday) around 2pm if that’s convenient? I won’t come to the apartment though so it’s either the club or a bar/café?
Ella x
I thought it would be childish of me to omit the kiss from my email, we had made a baby together after all. Seconds later a reply popped up in my inbox.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Title: Thank you x
Any time would be convenient for you, you don’t need to ask that. The club it is then, come straight down to my office. I look forward to seeing you again Ella.
I’ve missed you.
Joe x
I didn’t send a reply. What could I reply without giving him false hope? Yes I’d missed him too, but if I said that he’d think I was going over to get back together. I had to keep my promise to myself; I had to put myself first and I needed time alone to find myself again.
When Sunday came I put on a light blue strappy sun dress and silver flip flops, and gathered my hair up into a high ponytail. My hair had gotten so long it still fell down to the middle of my back even when it was up. I tried to contain my growing nerves and tell myself it was just a chat, a chance to clear the air and move on to the next phase of my life. But who was I kidding, this was Joe we were talking about. Anything could happen today, and the unpredictability was what scared me the most.
When the time came, I got into my little red car and drove to his club, playing light fun music on my music system to try and keep myself calm. But as I pulled up to the front of the building my nerves set in and I thought my heart was going to burst out of my chest. My hands were shaking and I could barely breathe. ‘Keep it together Ella, remember you’re a Reid, you can do this’ I told myself. I got out of the car and made the ascent up the steps with heavy feet and a h
eavier heart.
Once inside I saw the young receptionist Josh had been training sitting confidently behind the desk. She looked up at me and smiled.
“Good afternoon, you must be Miss Reid. Mr Madden said to tell you to go straight through. He’s waiting for you.”
I smiled back at her and muttered, “Thanks.” Then turned to walk down the corridor that led to his office. ‘Please God let this go smoothly, I don’t have the energy for any more fighting’, I begged.
I knocked twice on his door and it instantly flew open, he’d been waiting behind the door. Probably pacing and plotting what he was going to say to me. He looked straight into my eyes and took a deep breath.
“Hello Ella, thanks for coming. I really didn’t expect you to if I’m honest.”
“I owe you an explanation…and an apology. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you… about the pregnancy Joe.” I couldn’t bring myself to say the word baby, it hurt too much. “I didn’t do it to hurt you or be spiteful. I had every intention of telling you I promise.”
He closed the door and gestured for me sit down on his office couch. I sat down and put my handbag on the floor next to me.
“Do you want a drink?” he asked, walking over to his drinks cabinet and pouring himself a whisky.
“I shouldn’t at this time of the day, but maybe a whisky will help me get through this.”
His eye brows shot up, “Am I that scary?”
“You have no idea how scary you can be sometimes Joe.” I said to him honestly.
He shook his head and looked amused by my admission.
“Damn if I scare you I must terrify the rest of the population.”
I laughed gently, he obviously had no idea how imposing a man he really was.
He brought our drinks over and set them down on the coffee table in front of the sofa and then sat down next to me. His knee was touching my leg, the heat from his closeness radiated through me and I went to move away but stopped myself. He would pick up on my negative body language straight away and I didn’t want this to turn into a row before we’d even started.
Forever Yours Page 5