Three more days of recuperation passed. She conceded that Nex deserved all the credit in the world. Though he’d given up on their romantic relationship, he remained dedicated to her recovery. He cared for her without complaint, solicitous at every turn, taking time off his lab work to do so with Salno’s blessing.
Anneliese was grateful to him. Not just for the nursing, which she forced herself to acknowledge due thankfulness for. Nex didn’t bring up her stupidity in aggravating the injury after that last painful discussion. She expressed appreciation, especially when she felt it the least. Hatred for her condition, for the weakness that kept her dependent, bubbled like searing lava until she was almost enraged. It gnawed her nerves raw.
However, the damage she’d done to her relationship with Nex kept her from conveying any of that frustration. It kept her complaints silent when common sense was in short supply. Not that she believed the sweet infant love they’d begun had any chance of resurrection. Nex had made no effort to touch her sexually since she’d screwed things up. He opted to sleep on his couch instead of in the bed with her. Though he said it was to protect from jostling her, Anneliese knew better.
Nex was kind. Conscientious. Giving. Nonetheless, there was an emptiness in his silver eyes, as if all the heart had gone out of him. It was every bit as painful to see as it was to live with the distance between them. She’d silently cried herself to sleep each night, cursing her inability to be the noncombative person she wanted to be.
Nex is right. I’m going to end up alone and without love because I have to have things my way. Not that it matters now.
Anneliese was sure Nex was going to be not just her first, but her last true love. She didn’t want to change to keep a decent man around. She wanted to hold on to Nex and only Nex.
That had already proved too hard.
The weight of their sadness pressed down, smothering Anneliese. On the fifth day of her renewed convalescence, when she was allowed to get out of bed and hobble to the visiting room, it held her back more than her bum knee.
She leaned on Nex’s arm as she hobbled a slow, awkward trek to the couch. “Go gently,” he murmured.
She nodded and let him support more of her weight. Even though I could easily go faster. Weh, I could make it on my own, no problem.
Anneliese ignored the inner voice, forcing herself to behave. Making sure not to cause Nex any more grief, though her knee hurt only a little.
Uh, come on. There’s no reason to go so slow.
Shut up, damn you. For once, just shut up.
Her obstinate side didn’t, but she didn’t give in to it. The need to be strong was as burdensome as the wall between her and Nex, and Anneliese felt no inclination to cheer when she finally got to the couch.
Nex helped her settle in, trying to see to her comfort. “What do you need? A pillow? Something to wrap up and stay warm?”
“No, I’m okay.” It cost her effort, but she caught his eye. With real feeling, she said, “Thank you, Nex. You’ve been a rock.”
He nodded, but his expression remained a pleasant mask. Despite her efforts to do better for his sake, he knew she hadn’t changed. That she would never change. All hope of that had died for him as surely as it had for her.
A buzzing sound interrupted the depressing moment, announcing there was a visitor at the door. Nex’s controlled expression slipped away to reveal sudden apprehension.
“What?” Anneliese asked.
“I didn’t tell you but—well, let’s find out who it is.”
He left her to answer the door. Anneliese strained to hear who had dropped by, but couldn’t make out who spoke when the door opened.
Seconds later, the mystery was solved. Nex led Jape around the partition. She relaxed. Only the head enforcer, not a mob of people come to accuse her of collaborating with the Monsuda. Nex’s reaction to Jape’s arrival had brought that concern galloping in.
Jape’s hand slapped his chest. “From my spirit to yours, Anneliese. How is your leg?”
“Better, now that I’m not being stubborn and stupid.” She looked him over, noting a few thin red streaks and dark, dirty marks marring his golden skin. Though concerned, she kept her voice casual. “You look like you’ve had a rough day.”
“We retook the hive this morning.”
At the startling news, Anneliese jerked, almost jumping to her feet. Nex’s warning look reminded her she was supposed to stay down. She settled back down. Her heart drumming fast, she asked, “You won it back?”
“At a heavy price. Many injuries. And—and a few deaths.” Jape choked out the words. “There were more drones than we’d thought. Either Mirtan got the count wrong, or they strengthened their numbers since his surveillance.”
They’d gone in without Anneliese. No one had told her they’d decided to go for it, but then, why would they? She was in no shape to go in. She would have been worse than useless to Jape. To Cas. To Risnar and Earth. Her stomach churned sickly.
“I’m glad you made it out, Jape,” she said. “Though I’m sorry you lost people. That’s the worst part of war.”
“I survived. I will be fine.” His voice was strong, but there was little conviction behind the words. Survivor’s guilt was an insidious malady that could take the very spirit of a soldier. Anneliese knew the pain of that kind of wound well.
Jape straightened, squaring his shoulders. “However, the sacrifice they offered won us our objective. The hive and the portal are ours once more. We are rushing to complete the permanent barrier so the Monsuda cannot regain it.”
Anneliese realized what winning the portal might mean. The heavy, breathless dread, very much a physical punch to the gut, filled her. She faced the fear anyway. “Was there any sign of my people? Were Earthlings responsible for any of those Risnarish killed?”
Jape managed a tired smile, though it looked more similar to a prelude to weeping. “No Earthlings. No unfamiliar weapons of alien origin either.”
Anneliese sagged all over. Relief overcame her. “I’m glad, Jape. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be concerned, but—at least I won’t have that on my conscience.”
“It wouldn’t have been your fault even if there had been Earthlings involved. But as far as your status with Cas, I’m glad they weren’t there either. I would have hated to go against my own to defend you.”
“I wouldn’t have asked you to.” She smiled at him. “If any of my people do come through, I’ll be glad to help you however I can.”
“I appreciate it.” He continued to wear that terrible aura of effortful strength as he stepped away. “If you’ll excuse me, I’d like to check on the injured and get some rest.”
“Let me know if you need to talk. I’ve been where you are.”
Jape snapped a nod. His eyes distant, as if they still saw the battle that had taken his comrades, he swung about on his heel. Nex accompanied him to the door.
Anneliese covered her face with her hands. She felt like laughing, crying, and screaming all at once. When Nex returned and settled at her side, his strong arms wrapping around to hold her tight, she let him. She clung to him, clutching him close. Neither spoke. Anneliese couldn’t have said a word anyway.
It was enough to have him to cling to as she rode the waves of emotion pouring over her. For once, her damnable resistance to another’s support didn’t make a peep.
* * *
That evening, Dinu and Efno stopped by to celebrate Cas’s warriors taking the portal. As celebrations went, it was a somber affair. The loss of five Risnarish warriors had hit the village hard.
A few others visited as well to observe the win and losses. It boded well for Cas’s acceptance of Anneliese once again. That no Earthlings had been sighted in the hive had allayed suspicions. Her opinion and experience in battle was sought as men tried to come to grips with the day’s events.
Best of all, things had begun to t
haw between her and Nex once more. He slept on his couch that night, but he kissed her before they retired. Just a peck on the forehead, but it was more than he’d given the last few days. His gaze was warm and caring.
Maybe with time, they could rebuild a few bridges. Anneliese didn’t kid herself, though; they would never regain the sweetness of their early relationship. Once the doctor said she was ready to get up and resume normal life, she’d do so. Already her need to do something to help Risnar and Earth rode her hard. She’d push as she always did, and Nex would retreat. It was bitter to realize this was their fate, but Anneliese hoped they could at least end up close friends. If her heart could take being around him without having what it truly wanted, that was.
She was allowed to hobble on her own from the bed to the couch the next morning. Nex applauded her and she blew a raspberry at him. He laughed. He helped her with some of the trickier pronunciations in her lessons. They practiced simple conversations that morning, and Anneliese was delighted at how far she’d come during her enforced convalescence.
Afterward, Nex brought her lunch. He sat next to her, close enough that they touched. Anneliese snuggled against him, enjoying his comforting solidity. She was half afraid he’d move away. Instead, he chuckled and offered her a bite of food from his fingers.
It reminded her of the time he tied her down and fed her, along with all the other delightful things he’d done. She’d found it wonderful to be taken care of.
I’m allowing it now without any struggle. Couldn’t that mean I might perhaps learn to let him in? Let myself lean on him once in a while, enough for us both to be happy?
It was a beguiling notion, but Anneliese had little faith in it. Under the worst circumstances, she’d proven she obeyed only one dictate: to do it all herself. To show she was better than others gave her credit for. Sooner or later, she would fail again. It wasn’t worth that devastated look on Nex’s face.
I love him. That should make everything right, but it doesn’t. All the stupid love songs and fairytales are lies. Love fixes nothing.
It was a bitter realization.
She let on to none of it, instead basking in what she could get while she could get it. For a few precious minutes, she and Nex were back where they’d started. Anneliese stored every nuance of it in her heart, keeping each second like a precious jewel.
They had just finished lunch when Nex’s door buzzed, announcing a visitor. Anneliese scowled at the partition that blocked the entryway from the visiting room. The instant of easy sharing was over.
“If that’s Jape, tell him I’m only accepting good news from now on. He’d better not have lost that darned hive again.”
Nex laughed. He gave her an affectionate kiss on the cheek and went to answer the door.
He reappeared with Salno. He offered his female counterpart a chair before sitting close to Anneliese again.
Anneliese crowed in delight to see her occasional bunkmate again. “Salno! You escaped from the lab!”
The Risnarish woman blinked at her, as though puzzled. Then her expression cleared. “Ah, a joke about the amount I’ve been working.”
“Identifying the issue is the first step in fixing it. Humor is not your enemy.”
Nex enjoyed that one. He snickered as Anneliese grinned at them both.
Salno said, “You are funny, Anneliese. How are your leg and back?”
“Much better. I’m sure Nex will give me a clean bill of health before long, maybe two or three days after the doctor does.” She winked at him. He returned the teasing gesture with the Risnarish version, the pointed tip of his ear bending forward.
Anneliese beamed at Salno. “It’s so nice you came by to visit me. How are you?”
“Unfortunately, I come with bad news. I am not happy to deliver it.” She did indeed look troubled. Her gaze dropped to the table between them.
Anneliese exchanged a worried glance with Nex. “What’s wrong?”
“I was visited by Head Elder Ehar an hour ago. She was looking for you. I told her I would be glad to deliver a message. As I said, I am not so glad after all.”
A weight formed in Anneliese’s stomach. “The Elders Council is sending me home, aren’t they?”
“Tomorrow.” Salno raised her eyes to look her in the face.
“Cheer up,” Anneliese said weakly. “You won’t have to listen to me tease. Or start arguments.”
Salno sighed. “We have had differences, haven’t we? I do not understand your need to fight, and you don’t understand the way I think. However, I will miss you, Anneliese.”
Anneliese didn’t dare look at Nex, who sat motionless at her side. “I will miss you too, Salno. I consider you a very dear friend. If I’ve said anything to offend or hurt you—”
“No. But you have given me much to reflect on. Life will be less...invigorating without your presence.”
Anneliese tried to laugh, but it sounded as heartbroken as she felt. “Invigorating. That’s a good word for me. I’ll have to be sure and use it when describing myself from now on.”
She couldn’t stand not knowing any longer, so she dared to peek at Nex. His expression was unreadable again, as it had been only two days before.
A lengthy silence followed. After a few moments, the three managed to make stilted conversation. Salno told Nex about the latest results of the tests she’d run on his behalf. They discussed the recovery of the portal and Cas’s continued resistance to join the warriors congregating at Yitrow to protect the Assembly. They talked about anything but Anneliese’s pending departure.
After Salno departed, Anneliese and Nex didn’t talk about the limited time left to them. They passed the rest of the day quietly, sitting with Anneliese’s head on Nex’s shoulder, holding hands. Little conversation passed between them. They were unwilling—or in Anneliese’s case, unable—to voice their thoughts for fear of the pain that might come out.
* * *
Anneliese limped only slightly as she and Nex walked down the corridors of the hive, heading for the portal chamber. It figured she’d be thrown off Risnar just as she reached the end of another flare-up from her knee.
If she hadn’t been so stupid, if she hadn’t taken off to speak to Jape, she might have been fully mobile. Maybe she would have been able to take part in the fight for the hive. She could have proven herself worthy to stay in Cas. A lot of maybes, but she’d never know now, would she? No wonder Nex had given up on her.
Anneliese was acutely aware of him walking next to her. He didn’t have to remind her to take her time heading to the portal. Even if she hadn’t been moving cautiously in deference to her knee, she wouldn’t have been in a hurry to go.
At least they had a short while longer than the walk down the hive’s dull silver hallways that led deep underground. Nex would accompany her to Earth, piloting the saucer. Her hero in his rescue chariot. It wasn’t going to be long enough to say all the things she wanted to. To offer all the apologies she should for being the unrelenting soldier who had wrecked what they might have had. She would still try.
They reached a stretch of corridor where none of the Risnarish men wandered, the warriors Jape had assigned to keep the hive out of the Monsuda’s pincers. It was a small force since the containment field had been repaired and was once more fully powered. It seemed ridiculous that Anneliese wore the protective vest and her containment belt within the safe confines. However, Nex had asked her to. In light of all they’d gone through, it was a small concession to make in their final minutes together.
Anneliese saw no one besides herself and Nex in the corridor. It was as good a place to start talking, to try to say at least a few things that needed to be said. With the hallway to themselves, Anneliese wouldn’t end up blubbering in front of anyone but the man at her side.
It was hard to start, though. She opened her mouth half a dozen times before words croaked from
her closed throat. “Will I see you again?”
Nex gazed at her. His ears drooped, and his expression was filled with regret. As close as he walked next to her, Anneliese felt the vast space between them. Space she couldn’t bridge for more than a few minutes at a stretch, though they’d done well the last couple of days.
His voice heavy, he said, “I can’t imagine saying never but—” His voice died.
Anneliese didn’t need to hear the rest. What was the point of reconnecting if they couldn’t be together? The reminder of what might have been would only hurt.
She was sure the tears would come. They threatened, stinging her eyes and making it feel as if she were choking. She managed to blink them away and swallow the sobs, though the featureless corridor blurred for several seconds. She’d give herself the luxury of crying once she was on Earth. She’d be indulging herself for a long while in the privacy of her home.
Home. The house in which her parents had raised her seemed so foreign. How was it that in only a few days, the idea of the familiar walls, the well-known rooms, could feel like a long-ago memory? Or a memory related to her by someone else?
Her voice tight, she said, “I’m sorry.”
“You are who you are. I am who I am.” Nex smiled, but it was a sad, defeated expression. “Sometimes these things can’t be helped, I suppose.”
“I love you.” It was perhaps brutal to tell him that at the point they’d reached. It needed to be said anyway.
“I believe you. The days we’ve spent with each other I’ll hold fast to in my spirit. I wouldn’t have traded a single second for anything. Not even the parts that weren’t so good.”
“Me neither.”
The portal room’s entrance was ahead, putting off all the rest Anneliese wanted to say. She’d have to wait until they were in the saucer. And at the house that no longer felt like home, not in her heart.
She and Nex walked into the chamber, side by side. Anneliese stopped short to spot all the Risnarish waiting for her. Familiar faces. The warriors who she’d fought with, those who she’d drunk brew with, men who had stopped by to share their success in retaking the hive. They smiled at her. For a moment, the pain in her heart dulled a little, warmth filling it.
Worlds Apart (Warriors of Risnar) Page 23