by L. Divine
There ain’t no way that you’ll win.
—B.O.B FEAT. HAYLEY WILLIAMS AND EMINEM
Running into Jeremy yesterday shook me to my core. Seeing him made me realize how much I’ve missed my man. I called Jeremy and asked him if he was open to talking tonight. He’s busy with family stuff all day and said he’d meet up with me later at the Pier. I’m ready to take a chance with Jeremy and work on forgiveness. It took Rah and I a long time to get where we are, but we’re in a good place as friends, most of the time. Relationships in general are a crapshoot. That’s why when I find someone who can pull at my heartstrings I fight for them rather than let them walk out of my life for good.
Mickey should take the opposite approach with her ex-man who’s now trying to get her attention by sending Nickey gifts through Mickey’s younger brother. When she went to Compton to visit her family today, there was a package for Nickey with tons of clothes and other necessities, courtesy of her ex-man. She called and asked me to help her hide it or say that I bought the items. I told her I can’t lie to Nigel and that she should tell him the truth about the clothes and letters as soon as possible. After much back and forth while I was braiding hair, Mickey agreed to tell Nigel the truth this evening. Even if she made me look real ghetto in front of my clients, I want to be there for moral support just in case Nigel goes off.
When I arrive at Rah’s house, I can hear Nigel’s yelling from inside my car. My portable iPod speakers are no match for Nigel’s anger. I park the car and run up the driveway ready to intervene if necessary. It must be an emergency if my boy’s going off like this. Hopefully Sandy’s not here. Otherwise I might start yelling, too.
“Jayd, tell him I didn’t do anything wrong,” Mickey says, running to me in the opened doorway. What the hell?
“That’s a load of shit, Jayd, and I know it,” Nigel says from his stance in the living room, without taking his eyes off Mickey who looks scared for her life. Nigel doesn’t look well at all. Luckily the babies are still at the daycare around the corner. I thought we were going to pick them up and go to dinner, but I guess plans have changed.
“Nigel, I’m telling the truth. He just bought the baby some clothes—that’s it. He feels bad for what happened to Tre.” I thought Mickey was going to wait for me just in case this very thing happened. At first I couldn’t get my girl to open her mouth, now she can’t keep it closed long enough to wait for backup.
“What happened to Tre is that nigga killed him, Mickey, and almost killed me. Is that what you want, a murderer for your man? You want the father of your daughter to be the man that killed him?”
Mickey looks at Nigel likes he’s lost his mind and I’m pretty sure if he hasn’t he’s definitely on his way there. He turned his world upside down for Mickey and his feelings of betrayal are well founded even if they may be slightly misinterpreted.
“No, Nigel. You’re the only one for me, baby. You know that.” Now, I can’t testify to that because I’m not sure if it’s true, but I know Mickey’s not trying to get back with her ex-man over Nigel. I’m pretty sure she’s learned that lesson by now.
“Lies, Mickey! It’s all a bunch of lies,” Nigel says, walking through the living room and toward the back of the house into the bedroom he, Mickey, and Nickey share slamming the door.
I hope he doesn’t start throwing Mickey’s stuff into the hallway like she did when Sandy was ungracefully kicked out of Rah’s crib. Karma’s a bitch and unfortunately my girl’s definitely got some coming her way for the way she’s been mistreating her relationship with Nigel. She may not be creeping with her ex-man, but she’s definitely not the most faithful broad on the block, either.
“Mickey, why don’t we go pick up Rahima and Nickey and let Nigel cool down a bit,” I say, looking at the clock on the DVD player across the room. Rah should be meeting us soon at the restaurant with his little brother, Kamal, who’s been spending more time at their grandparents’ house in Compton because of Rah’s busy schedule. I know he misses his little brother and I miss Kamal’s presence, too.
“I’m not going anywhere until Nigel sees I’m not lying, Jayd,” Mickey says desperately. “I never asked that fool for nothing. He started sending me letters from lockup and what was I supposed to do? Send them back?”
“Well, you could have ignored them,” I say, looking back toward my car. They really should consider getting the broken screen door replaced. This is the only house on the nice block that looks like it needs some tender loving care.
“I almost died because of you,” Nigel says, coming back into the hallway with pillows and a comforter. What’s he doing?
“I know, baby, and I’m sorry about that,” Mickey says, pleading with Nigel, but it’s no use. His head’s too hot to give a damn about Mickey’s excuses.
“I left my house for you, defending you in front of my mama and my dad,” Nigel says, making up the couch like I do at my mom’s. “What pisses me off most is that she was right about you. Always was.” Now that was a low blow. Mrs. Esop has called Mickey everything under the sun from a whore to a goldigger and will probably create some new words for her before it’s all said and done.
“Nigel, you don’t mean that,” Mickey says, crying. She runs up to Nigel and tries to hug him, but he shrugs his shoulders away from her touch.
“Don’t,” Nigel says, throwing the remaining linens on the couch and laying down. “I need to be alone. Tell Rah I’ll hit him up later. We’ve got some business to take care of.”
“You’re not coming to dinner?” Mickey asks, seeing her world vanish before her eyes. I know she’s regretting taking the outfits from her ex now. I tried to tell her, but she rarely listens to a word I have to say. Maybe now she’ll humble herself to help when it’s offered no matter how cute the clothes are.
“Hell no,” Nigel says, turning the television volume up so loud conversation is impossible. Defeated, Mickey walks outside and I follow closing the door behind me.
Nigel’s sacrificed way more than any other dude would’ve for Mickey’s selfish ass. I’m surprised it’s taken him this long to check her. The pressure of having to support not only himself, but also a girlfriend and baby has been stressing him out. With football season in full gear Nigel’s also under a lot of pressure to perform well for his college future. Several scouts have already come to the games and offered him all kinds of incentives to consider their schools, but so far the coaches at South Bay have protected him like the treasure Nigel is. Mickey needs to learn how to do the same thing.
“I can’t lose him, Jayd,” Mickey says, walking to her car. We’ll take her ride because the car seats are already inside.
“He just needs time to process everything, Mickey. I’m sure it’ll be okay.” I’m not, but I feel like I need to reassure my friend that she didn’t ruin her relationship.
“We’re going to find a way to make Nigel forgive me even if it takes all night, Jayd. He has to forgive me.” I feel my girl’s pain and all, but I’ve got my own issues to deal with tonight.
“We can brainstorm over dinner, but I’m meeting Jeremy by the beach later,” I say, buckling my seat belt as Mickey pulls out of the driveway faster than necessary. I look at Mickey and say a quick prayer to Legba for my safety. Mickey’s usually a pretty decent driver, but I think the tears in her eyes are clouding her judgment.
“Good for you and the white boy.” The hater in Mickey can’t help but rear its ugly head in light of the situation. “Can I get some of whatever you put on that dude to keep my man as whipped as Jeremy is?”
“Mickey, if it were that easy Jeremy and I wouldn’t have the problems we’ve got.” Ain’t that the truth. No matter how the evening turns out I’m determined to get Jeremy and I back on track. Cameron coming on to Jeremy isn’t nearly as traumatic as Mickey and Nigel’s drama. And if I’m praying for Nigel to forgive his woman, I should be able to do the same for my man.
Rather than meet us at Pann’s, Rah decided to go home and check on Nigel. Some
times I feel like Rah and I are parents for the rest of our crew. But then again Rah needs my help more often than not so maybe I’m just everyone’s mama and I don’t know it. Us girls enjoyed chicken and waffles while Nigel, Rah, and Kamal hibernated in the studio with pizza. After bathing the babies and consoling my girl as much as I could, Nellie came over and relieved me as Mickey’s nurse so I could meet Jeremy. So far it’s been a productive meeting except for the fact he’s already high and a bit tipsy. When is enough for him and his crew?
“I’m glad you called. And thanks for the mixed CD. It was perfect,” Jeremy says, stopping our stroll and leaning up against the stone wall lining the boardwalk. It’s a chilly night in Manhattan Beach where most sane people are in front of their electric fireplaces by now. I’ve been here for over an hour and I’m ready to get under my blankets with or without reconciling with my boyfriend. It’s after midnight, but Jeremy, his surfing crew, and a few other daredevils are out late tonight no matter the temperature. My blood’s too warm to pretend.
“You’re welcome,” I say with chattering teeth. I have on a black pleather jacket, jeans, and boots, but it’s not enough layers for a night at the beach. “Jeremy, can we take this discussion inside?”
“What’s wrong with a little fresh air?” Jeremy asks, taking a deep breath through his nose and blowing it out through his smiling lips. “Besides, I need another hour to get right before heading home. We can chill in your car if you want.” His eyes are too red for reason. This is why he needs to slow his roll. What good is getting bent if it keeps you from moving at will?
“How old were you when you had your first drink?” I ask, pacing back and forth for warmth in front of Jeremy.
Jeremy looks at me puzzled. Damn, was it that long ago?
“I don’t know. Maybe ten or eleven,” he says, scratching is sandy brown curls under his cap. “It was actually very funny. My brothers played a joke on me and the rest is history.”
I can relate to memories of childhood pranks. Being the only girl and the youngest in a house full of boys was always adventurous.
“My uncles put beer in a Coke bottle once and left it for me to drink. I never developed a liking for it, though.” If anything my uncles are the reason I’m not attracted to drinking, smoking, or anything else that might make Mama want to beat my ass.
“It’s an acquired taste.” Jeremy takes me by the waist pulling me into his chest. He’s so warm and smells good. Jeremy lifts my chin with his right hand and kisses my lips while stroking my cheek. I’ve missed the smell of Irish Spring and seawater on my skin, but not the taste of beer on my tongue.
“I don’t share that taste,” I say, halting the kiss. “Cameron does, Mickey does, but I guess I’m just a different kind of girl.”
Jeremy looks down at me in his arms and smiles. “And that’s why I love you, Lady J,” Jeremy says, kissing me on the forehead.
“I love you, too, Jeremy. But I don’t love your habits.” I linger in his arms for a moment more and push away from him. I don’t want to, but we can’t keep going on like this. Something has to give and it has to be Jeremy’s addictions.
“I told you I’m sorry, Jayd,” Jeremy says, reaching for me, but I reject his approach.
“It’s not as simple as that.” I wish it were, but like the naval ship out in the distance shining its lights toward the shore we’re past the point of no return.
“How can we make it that simple?” Jeremy asks, sounding more sober than he probably has all night. “It was just a picture. I don’t even remember taking it.”
“Jeremy, I don’t have any pictures that I can honestly say I don’t remember taking,” I say, causing a few heads to turn. I’m probably bringing down their highs, too. “You know why? Because I’ve never been so high or drunk to even get myself in a situation like that in the first place.”
Jeremy looks at me hard, getting the message that I’m serious. “You’re not perfect, Jayd.”
“No one said anything about perfect, Jeremy. But I’m damned sure not going out like this either.”
“So what are you saying, Jayd? Are we really breaking up over this?”
“I don’t know, Jeremy. This is all too much for me to handle.” I head toward my car, but Jeremy’s not letting me go so quickly.
“Seriously, Jayd. It’s us.”
“I know, baby. But I need some time by myself to get my thoughts together. The truth of the matter is that you were too wasted to explain your actions and that’s a problem to me because I can’t trust you.” It’s one thing to party occasionally with friends and another thing entirely to get so high that you can’t remember shit. That’s how my uncles roll and there’s nothing attractive about that.
“Jayd, please. Let’s forget about Cameron and everything else tonight and just enjoy being together.” Jeremy pulls me back into his warm, strong embrace. I’m tempted for a moment, but I know better.
“I’ll holla,” I say, kissing the inside of his neck good-bye. Lord knows I miss us, too, but he has to deal with his issues before we can fully reconcile. I forgive Jeremy, but putting my heart back in his hands is a risk I’m not willing to take.
Saturday night was almost too much to bear. I barely slept last night, and with the four heads I had to work on yesterday I’m one tired sistah. Mickey’s been blowing up my cell about Nigel packing his bags this weekend and Rah’s been on my jock, too. After the long Monday I’ve had at school the last thing I want to do is go over Rah’s and deal with my friends and what could be a reality television show entitled “So, So Hood.”
Instead of joining their cast I’m headed to Mama’s house to voluntarily work in the spirit room since my help wasn’t needed at the shop today. Netta closed the shop to host a workshop on natural hair care for some of her regulars and Mama took advantage of the day off to get some things done for herself. I need to clear my head and be spiritually productive in order to make it through the drama going on around me.
I can’t believe Jeremy and I went from reconciliation to forlorn in a matter of minutes. Perhaps it’s just not meant to be. Jeremy and I have been plagued with issues since we started dating last year. My heart wants to let him back in, but my mind is telling me to tread lightly. I’m at a crossroads in our relationship and as usual, I need Mama’s guidance to help me see straight.
I walk inside the broken wooden gate leading from the front yard to the back to see my uncles and a few of their friends shooting dice. One of my favorite shows, Unsung, is blaring loudly through the garage television and they’re smoking cigars, enjoying the sunny weather.
“Mama ain’t here,” my uncle Junior says without looking up from the game. I would ask where she went, but I know they neither know nor care. I might as well head to the back house and wait for Mama to come back.
I see my favorite uncle, Bryan, and have to grill him about his newfound ethical journey taking a left turn.
“Bryan, I thought you stopped shooting craps,” I say, smacking him in the back of the head as he stands up. My uncle looks at me and cracks a wicked smile. The other six brothas are still kneeling around the dice. Bryan either crapped out or is taking a break from robbing them of their money, which he’s very skilled at.
“Girl, when you’re the master it’s your duty to school the lost souls.” He resumes his bent stance and reclaims the dice before throwing them in the circle. The rest of his companions look sad as he again takes their money. Damn, he’s good, but he’s always had that kind of luck. Mama says it’s all a part of being a child of Legba, which Bryan most definitely is.
“What’s up with you?” Bryan asks, leaving the circle and walking me to the small house attached to the back of the garage.
“Dumb shit, as usual,” I say, unlocking the back door and stepping inside the welcoming space. I place my purse on the coatrack next to the kitchen table and rejoin Bryan at the threshold. Unless Mama invites her sons or anyone besides me and Netta no one else can take a step inside.
&nbs
p; “Sounds like boy trouble to me,” Bryan says, reading my mind minus our powerful skills. “Relationships are like shooting craps: you never know when your number’s going to get called—good or bad.” Talk about a grim reaper. This fool’s bringing me down with all this gloom and doom talk. I know he’s right, but still. I was feeling all right before I ran into him.
“Man, sometimes you need to leave the unsung quiet.”
“Come on, Jayd. You know I’m keeping it real. Shit ain’t never perfect, shorty. Even blood can turn on you. You know I’m hated on because I’m the baby of the family and them niggas are my brothers.” That’s why Bryan and I are so close.
“I know you’re right. But still, I can’t let it go.”
“Not only do you need to let it go, you need to grow the hell up. It’s just like throwing dice, Jayd. The odds are against you, but there’s a chance you’ll win. If you don’t acknowledge that you’re playing a game you’ll always lose. Most of these fools are waiting for you to fall just to make themselves feel better. It may not make sense to you why a nigga would want to trip you, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t watch your step.”
“You’re just full of jewels this afternoon, aren’t you?” I ask, bumping my favorite uncle’s right arm with my left shoulder.
“Always, baby. Always.” Bryan smiles, rubbing his arm.
“Thank you,” I say. I love Bryan and miss spending time with him, even if I’m glad I don’t have to give him a ride to work in the mornings now that I’m no longer available. He may be my favorite, but all of my uncles need to get it together and get out of Mama’s house.
“No problem, little Jayd,” Bryan says, returning the affection. “And you know Rah is your real friend, unlike that white boy you always stressing over?” Why is this fool always trying to push Rah and me back together? I know they’re boys but for real, enough is enough.
“Yes, Bryan, I am well aware Rah always has my back.” And he does, even when he’s pissed at me or me at him. We’ve got each other no matter what. But like most of the men in my life, he’s got his issues, too.