“You do, don’t you. You wish I wasn’t here.”
“It’s not—” she broke off, clearly frustrated because she didn’t know how to explain herself. So he waited some more.
“It’s not you,” she said. “Or—not exactly. When we were together, I felt—”
She paused again, then went on, “I’ve never felt like that. I wanted to be inside you and share your skin. I felt like we were one person, and—”
His impulsiveness took over, and he couldn’t stop himself from finishing her sentence.
“It scared you,” he said softly.
She nodded.
“It scares me too,” he admitted. “But—I want to open up to you. Why don’t you want to open up to me?”
He was trying his damnedest not to sound plaintive. Pathetic. But he probably did.
“I do,” she said. “And—I don’t. It’s too hard when the person isn’t there anymore, or when they change their mind about you.”
He wanted to say he wouldn’t do that, but he sensed that wasn’t what she wanted or needed to hear. It was too easy to say, and too easy to think of all the ways that promise might not be able to be kept.
Instead, he asked, “What happened with your husband?”
She stayed silent so long, he thought she wasn’t going to answer.
Finally she said, “He didn’t know I was a shifter. He found me when I was sixteen, like I told you, and I didn’t remember anything about myself. I knew I could change to wolf, but I sensed it was dangerous for me if he knew, because he wasn’t like me. I knew there were others like me, but I didn’t know where they were or how I knew. And there were no other shifter wolves around here then.”
Rafe nodded, stroking her fingers gently with his.
She went on, “So I hid it from him. I used to go out in the woods a lot on my own. I’d look for herbs and plants, and just walk. Ben just thought I liked to hike, and that I needed to go off by myself sometimes. He didn’t mind that. He lived out here because he was a recluse, so we both needed to be alone sometimes. And he had his projects—his traps and his weapons, and his conspiracy theories.”
Rafe snorted. He still didn’t understand any of that, how someone could be so wacked out.
“So,” she went on, “I’d go off by myself, and when I was far from the house I’d shift. I got in the habit of keeping stuff stashed in different caves, in case I needed to shift back when I was away from home. I’d even go out at night sometimes, and run and run, up the mountain to this cliff where I could look out over the whole valley. And I’d watch the stars, and the sunsets, and I’d come back and paint what life looked like from the other side of me. From my secret self.”
Rafe said quietly, “So what went wrong?”
She sighed. “He started to get suspicious. He’d always been paranoid about other people, about the government, but never about me. But he got worse and worse—I think he was really mentally ill, you know? And so he started wanting to know where I went, who I saw, accusing me of informing on him to all kinds of people. Then he started saying things about demons and Judgment Day. For a while I stayed close to the cabin, but then I couldn’t stand it anymore. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, and my wolf was clawing its way out, and I had to do something. So I’d sneak out when he was asleep.”
Rafe could see where this was probably going, but he said nothing, just squeezed her hand encouragingly.
“He’d been building all these traps,” she said. “That’s when he started with that, and stockpiled the weapons. Anyway, one night I went out and shifted, and he followed me. I wasn’t paying attention—it never occurred to me that he would spy on me. He waited for me at the cave where I left my clothes, and he saw me shift back from wolf to human.”
Rafe winced. “He freaked out, I imagine.”
She nodded. “But way worse than I thought he would. He started going on about monsters and demons, and he shot at me with his rifle. So I ran. I ran so far, farther than I’d ever gone before, and I stayed out for two days. But I had nowhere to go, and I couldn’t live as a wolf forever, any more than I could live as a human without shifting. So eventually I went back to the cabin.
“Ben was walking through the woods, without his gun, calling me. Saying he was sorry, begging me to come back, if I could hear him. To come home.”
She shifted her weight uncomfortably. Rafe stroked the back of her hand with his thumb. “It’s okay,” he whispered.
She nodded. “I watched the cabin for another day. He spent most of his time looking for me, trying to get me to come back. So finally I did.”
“What happened?” Rafe asked. He knew it couldn’t have been good.
She said bitterly, “He shot me with a tranquilizer gun. He said I was a monster. A demon. And he was going to give me to someone who knew how to get rid of the demon. He’d called this man, this demon exorcist. And he was coming.”
Rafe whistled. “Someone who was going to take away your ability to shift?”
She shook her head. “I don’t think so,” she said. “I mean, that’s what Ben thought, but I think he was really crazy by then. Because the man came, a few days later, and it was nothing like that. Ben had put me in a cage in the shed…”
She broke off, her voice shaking. It was all Rafe could do not to punch something. That her husband—the man she trusted to take care of her—had locked her up like a zoo animal made him want to stand up and break things. Instead, he wrapped both arms gently around her.
“Oh, sweetheart,” he said. “I’m so sorry.”
She took a long, shuddering breath. Rafe knew she needed the catharsis, just like he’d needed it earlier. But he hadn’t realized how painful it was to listen to the heartbreak of someone you loved and relive it with them.
Terin got her voice back. “The man was dressed like the ones you told me about—in camouflage hunting clothes. Not like a priest or anything. And when he saw me, he called me ‘an excellent specimen.’ Like I was some kind of collector’s item. And when he found out I was a white wolf, he got all excited.” Her voice got very dry. “Apparently, I’m rare and exotic.”
“Actually, you are,” Rafe said. “I’ve never seen another white wolf shifter. Or heard of one, for that matter.”
“Yep, that’s me, one of a kind,” she said bitterly.
Rafe said quietly, “You’re the most beautiful wolf I’ve ever seen. And the most beautiful woman.”
He felt her soften beside him, and he could see tears brimming in her eyes, but they didn’t fall. He wondered how many times in her life she’d had to hold back tears. He moved closer to her.
After a deep shaky breath, she continued her story.
“So, this man didn’t seem to have any interest in demons or monsters. It was more like—he was buying a show dog, or something. He was going to take me away somewhere. I don’t know what he wanted with me, but I got the feeling he didn’t want me for himself. It wasn’t that kind of interest—you know, greedy and acquisitive. It was more like he was trying to figure out how much I was worth to other people.”
“You think this guy was going to sell you?” Rafe was shocked to his core.
She frowned. “That doesn’t happen?” she asked. “For some reason I thought it did. Not a lot, but sometimes. By a few humans that knew about us.”
Rafe drew his eyebrows together, searching his memory.
“Not that I know of,” he said. “I mean, we told stories, when we were kids, but it was more like boogeyman stories, you know? About how someone was going to come and snatch you up to sell you to a collector, or to a group that wanted to let you loose so they could hunt you down. Or stuff you and put you on their mantelpiece.”
She winced. He kissed the top of her head in apology.
He said, “But it those were just stories we told each other around the campfire. Our pack does some Enforcer contract work, dealing with problems between packs, or rogue shifters, but I don’t know of any documented cases of shifters being
taken by humans. But then, so many species don’t have any kind of central organization, so isolated cases may never get reported.”
That was disturbing.
She said, “I don’t know. It’s like the other knowledge that I have from before—knowing things but not knowing where I learned them, or how. So I can’t tell if that belief is factual, or just an impression I had, or stories I heard as a kid, like you did.”
Rafe made a mental note to mention that to Jace and Kane. They could find out if the Council knew anything about trafficking in shifters. The mere thought made him feel sick.
“Anyway,” Rafe said, “What happened with this man?”
Terin’s gaze grew faraway, like she was seeing into the past. “Ben didn’t realize about shifter metabolism and healing,” she said. “He’d shot me full of tranquilizers, but they were for humans, and he gave me a human dose. It wore off before he thought it would, even though he reassured the man that he'd doped me up good. And I pretended to be groggier than I was, so he’d think I was weak.”
Rafe said, “So you fought?” Good for her.
She nodded. “When they were taking me out of the cage for transport. I shifted and fought them both, and tried to run,” she said.
“The man tried to kill me then, but I wounded him. Ben ran after me when I tried to escape. He’d been building traps while I was gone—new ones. I didn’t know where they all were. So when I was running for the woods, I barely avoided one of them. He was so agitated that he went right into one of the pit traps.”
She bit her lip.
“I couldn’t save him,” she said sadly, tears running down her cheeks. “He was impaled on the stakes, and he died. And that man—he was still coming. I remember him standing at the edge of the pit, towering over me. I’d turned human again so I could try to help Ben. And he just looked down at me over the barrel of his gun with this horrible grin on his face, and I picked up Ben’s gun and I shot him. Dead.”
She was trembling. “It’s okay,” said Rafe, stroking her hair. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”
She started to cry for real, then. He continued to hold her, gentling her, letting her get it out. She’d lived with this all alone ever since that day. He realized she must have gotten rid of the man’s body somewhere in the woods, on her own, and then buried Ben at the edge of the forest where his grave still stood.
“I can’t imagine what that must have been like for you,” he whispered. “I’m sorry you had to go through it all alone.”
She struggled to get herself together; he could feel her pushing her emotions back down. “I’ve always been alone,” she said. “Even when I was with Ben, in a way I was still alone. He didn’t really know me.”
Rafe nodded. He wanted to say that he knew her, that he thought she was strong and beautiful inside and out. But he knew that she couldn’t believe him, not right now. Words were easy. The only thing she would trust were his actions, day after day after day. Loyalty and understanding took time.
She said, “I never loved Ben, even though I cared about him. And I don’t know if he ever really loved me. But he was kind to me. He rescued me, and he treated me well until…until he couldn’t.”
Until he lost his mind. She must have been so scared.
She pulled back and looked at Rafe.
“So now you know what I’m like,” she said. “I like you, Rafe. I really do.” She sighed. “But you need…so much more. You deserve so much more. You’re kind and gentle and loving, and you need a woman who appreciates that. Who wants to be in your pack with you, and have cubs, and all that. Who can help you be part of the pack.”
“I want you,” he said. He couldn’t stop himself. “I want you and your paintings and your past and your walks in the woods alone. I just want to make you happy.”
“But don’t you see?” she said. “I’ve never been happy. I don’t know if I ever can be happy. There’s something broken inside me that you can’t fix. All I’d do is make you feel like you were never enough, that you could never do enough. That’s not fair. You’d end up miserable, with the same hole in your heart you have now. Only bigger, because I would have torn out the part where the hope was.”
Rafe just pulled her close again. She resisted for a minute, but then she nestled into him. He just wanted to protect her from the whole world. To keep her safe always, to love her and watch her blossom under his love. But he couldn’t force it.
“Maybe you’re right,” he said. “But I wish you’d give me the chance. Give us the chance. To just see if we could be happy together.”
She sighed, and he said, nudging her gently, “It could happen.”
“In your dreams,” she said, but he could feel her smiling. And right then, it was enough.
Chapter 14
Terin led Rafe back inside. She was so tired, after telling him her story. She didn’t know exactly why she’d told him. She’d never told anyone—but then, she’d never had anyone to tell. Except for a few shopkeepers in town, she hadn’t talked to anyone since Ben died.
And they hadn’t talked much, either. Ben wasn’t one for long conversations. They would go for days in companionable silence, barely saying a word to each other.
Rafe liked to talk, and he liked to listen. It was strange.
They went back to bed, and she snuggled up beside him. He made love to her again—this time slow and sweet, gentle and loving. She felt like he touched every part of her, inside and out. That he found every raw and ragged place and tried to gentle it.
But she was too raw. She’d been hurt too badly.
Just the same, it soothed her some. He looked into her eyes, opened his heart to her, showed her with every touch and kiss the way he felt about her. It warmed her from the inside out, and yet at the same time it broke her heart. He had so much to give, and she would only hurt him. She would hurt him if she mated with him, and she would hurt him if she didn’t.
But for this one night, she laced her fingers through his, looked into his eyes, and let him love her. Just for this one night.
The next morning, Terin was up at dawn as usual. Lots needed doing in the garden, and she liked doing it in the cool of the morning, before the sun got too hot.
Feeing mischievous, she dragged Rafe out of bed as well.
“What the hell?” he complained. “It’s the middle of the night.”
She poked him. “Is not. It’s morning. Don’t you hear the birds?”
“Stupid birds,” she heard him mutter. “I eat birds. I don’t listen to them.” He pulled the pillow over his head.
“Oh, no,” she said. “You tell me you want to be with me, and then you expect me to do all the work? I don’t think so.”
Her tone was teasing, but she really wanted to see what he was made of. Was he willing to work? To be a partner? Or was he the feckless drifter he claimed to be?
She put him to work chopping firewood, pausing to admire the play of his muscles as he worked shirtless. She saw the smug look on his face when he caught her watching, and shook her head at him. He just grinned.
She was working in the garden with her hoe, chopping the weeds that seemed to grow overnight, when suddenly she felt a stream of water soak the back of her shirt.
She swung around. Rafe was standing at the edge of the garden, a huge plastic water gun in his hands.
“What the hell is that?” she demanded.
He smirked at her.
“It’s a Supersoaker,” he said. “It has come to my attention that you’re suffering from a serious deficit of fun. It’s my job to rectify that. Prepare for battle.”
He squirted her again.
She rose to her feet. “No fair,” she objected. “I don’t have a weapon.”
“I brought two,” he said.
He reached down at his feet and picked up an identical gun off the ground. He tossed it to her. It was heavy—he’d already filled it with water.
“So you just happened to have a couple of giant water guns in the back of
your truck,” she said.
He looked at her innocently. “Doesn’t everybody?”
She shook her head. Then, without warning, she raised the gun and shot him right in the face. Spluttering, he said, “Hey! We were in a cease-fire!”
“Sucker!” she said, dashing out of the garden and ducking around the corner of the house.
The battle raged throughout the yard. They stalked each other, taking cover behind trees and outbuildings. After an hour, both of them were soaked, but there was no clear winner.
Finally, Terin sneaked up behind Rafe and pushed him into a mud puddle. He slipped and went down with a splash.
Terin started laughing hysterically at the sight of him covered in mud. She went to help him up, and he pulled her down in the mud on top of him.
“Hey!” she said. “You’re getting me dirty!”
He pinned her to the ground. “I like you dirty,” he said, giving her a huge leer.
“Pervert,” she said.
“Uh huh,” he agreed. He kissed her, his hands roaming up to her soaked shirt. “You should really get out of these wet clothes,” he murmured.
“So should you,” she said. “But if you think I’m having sex with you in the middle of a hog wallow, think again. And anyway, I won the fight. I get to be in charge.”
“Who says you won?” Rafe said.
“I did,” she informed him. “My sneak attack disabled you. I captured you, and now you’re my prisoner. You have to do whatever I say.”
“Really?” Rafe looked hopeful. “Are you going to make me do dirty sexual things? Because if you are, then I totally concede the battle.”
Terin stood and picked up the water gun, and pointed it at him.
“Stand up,” she said. He complied, grinning.
She looked him up and down, and saw his eyes begin to flash with hot gold. “Take your pants off,” she said.
He did it slowly, tantalizing her. His cock was already standing up, and she could feel heat pooling between her legs.
“March to the shed,” she said. He obeyed her, marching across the yard to the small wooden structure. His ass was gorgeous, the muscles flexing as he walked. She shot him once in it with the water gun, just to see him jump. He growled, but she could tell he was enjoying this.
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