Living Again

by L. L. Collins

  Kayley’s eyes met Ben’s, and she saw no fear there, only love and compassion. “She-she called you Daddy,” she whispered, tears pricking her eyes.

  “Daddy,” Alexis echoed, smiling as if she was proud of herself. “Daddy take cawe of me. Mommy sick.”

  Ben grinned, kissing her forehead and covering her hand with his. “I know, baby, I know. Does that bother you?”

  “Bother me?” Kayley said incredulously. “It makes me want to bawl my eyes out! It doesn’t bother me at all, babe. I was worried it would bother you.”

  Ben picked up Alexis, kissing her head before setting her down to let her go play. He moved closer to Kayley, taking her face in his hands. “She’s been calling me Daddy Ben for months, Kay,” he admitted. “Just usually only when it was just us. The first time it happened was one of the first times I was here when she wanted me to put her to bed. She shredded me. I had no idea at that time if you were going to allow me to continue to be a part of your life, and that was also the night that she said she loved me. Remember that night I told you that?”

  Kayley nodded, unable to believe what she was hearing. Alexis had been saying that to him for months?

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but I was afraid to scare you. But just now, that was the first time she has ever just called me just Daddy. We’ve had a good time together over the last three days. But I want you to know, baby, that I will never try to pretend that I’m actually her daddy. I would never take Alex away from her. I can’t tell you how much it means when she says things like to me. I know kids love with all of their heart, and the fact that she is able to feel that for me, is just- I can’t even find the words. I never thought my heart could feel so full, but you two just fill a void in me that I didn’t really think I had.”

  “Daddy,” Kayley said, touching his lips with her fingers. “I never thought she’d call anyone that. I think my heart stopped when she said that. It’s like—”

  “Like what?” Ben asked, kissing her fingers and then lacing them together with his.

  “We’re a family,” she blinked back tears.

  “We are,” Ben murmured, pressing his lips to hers gently.

  “Hey babe,” Kayley purred, seeing Ben’s name on her phone screen. She was rinsing off breakfast dishes and keeping an eye on Alexis, playing in the living room.

  “Sweetie,” Ben answered.

  “Miss me already? How’s work going?”

  “I miss you every second of every day,” Ben said, making her tummy tingle. “But that’s not why I’m calling. I just got some news.”

  “Good news or bad news?” Kayley hated the way her stomach constricted on its own when someone said that. She wasn’t sure that feeling would ever go away.

  “Well, I just got an email from the chief saying I am one of few doctors selected from the hospital to attend a conference in New York.”

  Kayley breathed a sigh of relief. “Well, that’s great, Ben! Are you speaking, or just representing the hospital?”

  “Just representing. It’s not going to be overly exciting. Lots of classes, meetings, research presentations, blah blah blah.” Ben was not happy about going. At all.

  “When is it?” Kayley asked, closing the dishwasher and grabbing a rag to wipe the counters. Alexis was still playing nicely with her toys.

  “I leave tomorrow night,” he said dejectedly, missing her already. “I’ll be gone five days.”

  “Tomorrow?” Kayley frowned. “Geez, nothing like short notice!”

  “Someone else backed out, so I’m next to go,” Ben explained. “I’m not at all happy about it. I have a ton of work to do here, plus—I just don’t want to be away from my girls for that long.”

  Kayley’s heart skipped a beat. “Ben Nichols, you have got to be the sweetest man ever to walk this earth. I love you to pieces, big shot, but you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. We’ll miss you horribly, but I promise to make it up to you really well when you return.”

  Ben growled in the phone. “Oh my, Kay. I have to go back to work right now, you know. But, I will totally hold you to that. Five days? I can’t go that long without you, baby.”

  Kayley grinned at his admission. “Think of how great it will be when you get back,” she said suggestively. “Can I help you pack anything?”

  “I have to go to my house and get a few things, my suitcase included. But thank you. Be ready for me tonight. It’ll have to last me for five days, and I plan to make it good.”

  “It’s good every time, Ben,” Kayley complimented. “So I’ll see you tonight?”

  “Oh yeah,” Ben answered, a smile in his voice. “How’s my baby girl?”

  She looked over at Alexis, who smiled up at her. “She’s being a good girl, playing with her toys.”

  “Dr. Nichols, to ER please, Dr. Nichols to ER, STAT.”

  “I gotta go, baby. I love you,” Ben disconnected the phone, and Kayley knew when they paged him, they needed him now. Setting her phone on the counter, she set off for the office.

  Kayley sat at her computer, going through emails, most of which that were junk. She couldn’t believe it was November already. Time was flying, and life was good. She was busy as always, Alexis was growing like a weed, and things with her and Ben couldn’t have been better. While she and Ben had only officially been dating for about five months, it felt like five years. He rarely went home anymore, and in fact had his house on the market to sell. She felt like she lived in a fairy tale. This five days while he was gone would be the longest they had been without each other since they started dating. While it made her sad, she already had big plans for when he returned, including another visit to that nice lingerie store.

  “Mommy!” Alexis boomed.

  “In here, baby!” Kayley stood up and stuck her head out of the office door. Alexis toddled down the hall, carrying as many toys as she could carry and still walk.

  “Work, Mommy?” she asked. Kayley smiled at her little girl, getting so big.

  “Yes, baby. Want to play in here?”

  Alexis settled on the floor with her toys while Kayley watched her. It would be nice for her to have a sibling, she thought. Shock coursed through her system at her thought. Was she really ready for that? She was ecstatically happy with Ben, but was she ready to go the next step and marry him? Have children? Admit that her past life was long gone?

  Shaking the thoughts from her head, she turned back to the computer screen, deleting most of the mail. Her eyes narrowed as she spotted a name she hadn’t seen in a very long time. Cooper James. One of Alex’s best friends from college. They had lost touch after college, Cooper taking a job that required a lot of international travel and Alex and Kayley staying in Florida. She couldn’t even remember the last time she had seen him, much less how he knew how to contact her.

  Clicking on the email, her stomach constricted with nerves. Seeing an email from one of Alex’s friends made her jittery and uneasy.

  Kayley,

  How are you? Long time no see. I’m back in town briefly and I wanted to see you and Alex but his number is disconnected. I hope this is still your email! Did he get a new number? It’s been so long since the last time we saw each other. Do you have any kids yet? If you don’t mind, give Alex my number. It will be at the bottom of my email. Hope to see you soon!

  Cooper

  She covered her mouth with her hand, containing the sob that threatened to escape. He didn’t know. Cooper thought Alex was still alive, and he wanted to see him. It had been almost two years, and Cooper hadn’t talked to anyone that they had known who had told him? She forced back tears, taking deep, calming breaths. How do you write someone back and tell them that their friend has been gone almost two years? Should she call him? She wasn’t sure she could endure that right now after the shock of the email.

  She hit reply on her email, her hands shaking. Looking at Alexis to make sure she was okay, she turned back to the screen, wondering what in the world to write to him.

  Cooper,


  It’s great to hear from you. I think we should talk in person. Are you able to meet? I’m off today and could meet you for lunch if you’re nearby. Call or text me at the number below.

  Kayley

  She pushed back from the computer, shaken. Sitting next to Alexis on the floor, she played with her dolls, trying to get her mind off of what she was going to have to do. It seems to never be over, she thought. Just when I think I’m headed forward, I’m not anymore.

  Her phone dinged from the kitchen, and she stood up, walking in slow motion to the kitchen. Picking up the screen, she saw she had several text messages. First was Emily, asking her if she wanted to have dinner tonight at her house. Next was her mom, asking if her and Lex wanted to come swim today. Last, was a number that she didn’t recognize. Her hand shook as she slid the bar to read the new message.

  It’s Cooper. Can you meet at noon at Parker’s?

  Her fingers hovered over the keys, knowing she had to do this, but really not wanting to.

  Yes. I’ll have my daughter with me.

  “Lex!” Kayley called. “Come on, baby! Let’s get ready! We’re going to lunch!” She tried to sound way more cheerful than she actually was.

  “Wunch?” Alexis ran down the hallway towards her. “Wif Daddy?”

  Kayley’s heart squeezed, still not used to her saying that though she said it almost daily now. “No, with a friend of Mommy’s. Go get a doll to take with you, okay?”

  Kayley pulled into the parking lot of Parker’s, and tried to pscyh herself up for what was about to happen.

  “Out, Mommy! Wunch!” Alexis called from the backseat. She wasn’t sure that she should’ve brought Alexis, but figured it would be a good distraction.

  Stepping out of the car, she straightened her skirt and blouse, scanning to see if she could see him. Though it had been years, she would know Cooper anywhere. He was a handsome man, tall with jet black hair, emerald eyes, and looked like a body builder. She had never been attracted to him, but he had quite a line of ladies when they were in college.

  Unbuckling Alexis, she straightened up with her on her hip. Balancing her purse and a small bag for Alexis on her other shoulder, she made her way to the entrance.

  “Kayley!” Cooper’s voice rang out, and she turned. He was sitting out on the outside patio, waiting for her. Looking as handsome as ever, he was gathering the attention of every female employee in the restaurant. Kayley made her way over to the patio entrance, asking a waitress on the way for a high chair for Alexis.

  “Cooper,” she said, reaching him. “Good to see you.”

  “Kayley! Look at you! Just as beautiful as ever. And who is this? Little Alex?” Cooper took off his shades to see Alexis better. She studied his face.

  “This is Alexis, our daughter,” Kayley said, settling Alexis in her high chair and sitting down. Giving her a cup of juice and her doll, Alexis stuck her thumb in her mouth and watched, not ready to talk yet.

  “She looks like you, Kay. And a little like Alex. But she’s beautiful like her mom,” Cooper complimented. His green eyes searched hers. “So, tell me, where is that rugged little bugger? Working at some big shot hospital or facility? Running his own practice? Do you work with him? Can’t meet his old buddy today? Oh, and while I’m here, remind me to get his phone number from you.”

  “Where is your daddy?” Cooper asked Alexis. This perked Alexis up, thinking she was going to see her daddy. She started looking around, then looked at Cooper.

  “Daddy wok,” she said, proud to know where her daddy was.

  “That’s what I figured,” Cooper continued, not letting Kayley answer.

  “Cooper,” Kayley stopped him, putting her hand on his arm. “We need to talk.”

  He shifted his eyes to hers, seeing the serious look on her face. “What’s wrong?” He finally seemed to figure out that something was going on.

  The waitress came for their drink order, and they went ahead and ordered sandwiches, needing her to leave so they could talk.

  Kayley took a deep breath. This was the hardest thing she had had to say in almost two years. It was like flashing her back to having to tell all of their friends right after it happened. This was something she just didn’t want to think about anymore. She had come so far since then, going through this again was like losing him again. “Cooper,” she began. “I’m so sorry that no one contacted you. I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind to think of everyone and-”

  “What are you talking about?” Cooper looked alarmed now, his eyes searching hers for answers.

  “Alex- he,” Kayley blew out a breath. “He passed away almost two years ago.” The waitress dropped off the drinks, moving away silently at Kayley’s pained smile.

  Kayley gave Alexis a few Cheerios while waiting for her lunch, allowing Cooper a moment to process her words.

  “How?” Cooper’s voice shook, and he cleared his throat. “I feel like an ass, Kayley. I’m so sorry. I’ve been in and out of the country most of the last four years and haven’t really kept in contact with anyone. Now I’m going to be stateside for a while so I figured I would catch up with my old friends.”

  “Car accident,” Kayley answered, smiling at the waitress again as she set down their sandwiches. She broke off pieces and set them on a plate in front of Alexis, who picked them up and ate them without a word. She must’ve felt the tension, because she was very rarely silent. “I was pregnant with Alexis-”

  “He never met his daughter?” Cooper interrupted, his sandwich halted in mid-air. Kayley shook her head. “Shit. I mean- shoot,” he said, looking at Alexis. “That’s awful.”

  “I was about a month away from delivering her,” Kayley continued. “He was coming home and was hit going very fast. He really never stood a chance,” she paused, giving Alexis a few more bites. “He was in the hospital for less than eight hours before he passed away. He never woke up. I never got to say goodbye.” Tears threatened, and she stopped talking to collect herself. She didn’t really want to go into all the sordid details again; all it did was rip the scab off an old wound.

  Cooper took a bite of his sandwich, staring at her quietly. Uneasy silence covered them like a wet blanket. Her phone vibrated and she looked at the screen. It was a text from Ben asking if she wanted to come have lunch with him. She pressed the screen and then shoved the phone back in her purse.

  “She- she said her Daddy was at work,” Cooper remembered, his voice shaky. “Who was she talking about?”

  Kayley looked at Alexis, who was now looking at Cooper since he talked about her daddy. “My Daddy.” She nodded her little head, her curls bouncing.

  “My boyfriend,” she answered, feeling funny saying that to the man that she had just told her husband died. “She calls him Daddy.” For some reason she felt the need to defend what she was doing to Cooper. “It took me a long time to allow myself to think I could be happy again. I was destroyed over losing Alex. I thought I would be okay being a single mom, just the two of us. But- Ben changed that.”

  Cooper smiled. “I’m sure that’s exactly what Alex would’ve wanted, Kay. He loved you so much, even before he ever admitted it. He would talk about you incessantly. We were all finally like, dude, please go tell her you love her and have 100 babies and shut up already.”

  Kayley laughed, remembering Alex and all his crazy fraternity brothers.

  “He would’ve never wanted Alexis to grow up without a dad. The fact that you found someone that loves her as much as he would’ve is fantastic. God, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe, all this time I had no idea that you were here, suffering through the loss of Alex. I would’ve helped you, anything you needed.” Cooper put his hand on top of hers, caressing her thumb with his. Her eyes shifted to their hands, and while she was grateful for his friendship, the touch felt inappropriate. She slowly withdrew her hand, giving him a smile as she tucked it in her lap.

  “Thanks, Coop. I know you would’ve. I’m sorry too, that I never thought to contact yo
u. We hadn’t seen you since graduation, and in the haste of trying to contact people, I wouldn’t have had any idea how to find you. Alex’s life was cut way too short. It’s sad that he never got to see the baby that he loved more than life. He didn’t even know whether she was a boy or a girl. But you know what? I’m finally okay. I’m in love again, which when he died I would’ve said no way. So I’m okay. Would I rather this never happened? Of course. But, as they say, everything happens for a reason, and Ben is an amazing man.”

  She put her napkin on her plate, finished with her lunch and finished with talking about this. It took her back to a place she didn’t want to go anymore. She turned her attention to Alexis, who was being so quiet it was almost worrying her.

  “You okay, Lex?” She ran her hand along her forehead, making sure she wasn’t feverish. Alexis smiled, shoving another piece of sandwich in her mouth.

  “We go pay, Mommy? Go pawk? Swide wif me?” Kayley grinned at her baby daughter.

  “Yes, baby, we can go to the park. Just a minute, okay?”

  Cooper looked at Alexis, his eyes still sad. “She’s so adorable,” he commented, and Kayley smiled in response. Signaling for the waitress for the bill, she started packing up Alexis’ toys and cup.

  “Can I see you again? I’ll be in town for a while,” Cooper asked. “I would love to catch up.”

  Kayley cleared her throat, her thoughts racing. How exactly did she put him off? While it was great to see him again, he was a part of her past she was ready to forget. Plus, he was making her uncomfortable.

  “I’m not sure, Coop,” Kayley said honestly. “I don’t know if it’s a good idea. My boyfriend…”

  “Oh, the jealous type, huh?” Cooper interrupted, one eyebrow raising.

  A surge of anger hit Kayley without warning. “No, he’s not a jealous boyfriend. I just don’t see how it’s a good idea for us to hang out. I’ve worked really hard to put what has happened with Alex behind me and move on, and having you around, it will only mean we’ll talk about Alex and the past. I just can’t do that anymore.” She stood up, looking for the waitress.