"I… I don't know what to do." He put his head in his hands then, and Jackie heard the tears come. She looked up at Ethan's door, still closed, and for once prayed he would stay in there for a while. This kid really needed help. More than she'd first thought.
"You don't know what to do about what?" she asked gently.
"I'm… I'm a monster."
Jackie suddenly thought she knew where this was going. "Oscar, you're not a monster. Are you… confused, maybe? Is it something to do with sexual attraction?"
Oscar's eyes widened, and Jackie suppressed a smile. She'd thought about this conversation in the past, wondered whether she'd ever be having it with one of her own children. She was confident she could handle this.
"It's okay, you know. You're at that age where you're just figuring out who you're attracted to. Whether it's girls or boys, it doesn't matter. It's okay if you're gay, Oscar. There's no shame in that. Be proud of who you are. If that's what you're trying to tell me." By the horrified look on his face, she wasn't so sure anymore. "Is that what you're trying to tell me?"
His gaze slumped to his lap, and the scab he'd been picking at the police station got another workout. "Not exactly."
Jackie was confused now. "But it's a version of that?"
"Kind of." Oscar looked up towards Ethan's room, but the door remained firmly closed. Jackie couldn't tell whether he wanted his friend to come out and save him, or whether he was just making sure Ethan couldn't overhear him. When he finally came out with it, Jackie was sure it was the latter. "I'm not gay, Mrs Rose. I wish I was. I wish it was that simple. But it's not. I'm not gay. I think…" He took a shuddering breath. "I think I'm a pedophile."
Jackie sat stock still. A million things rushed through her head, not the least of which was a memory of coming home recently to find Oscar playing with Emma in her bedroom. What were they doing? That's right, she was drawing, making a card for Ethan to make him feel better. This kid who'd just professed to being a pedophile had been alone with her six-year-old daughter.
He must have seen by the look on her face what she was thinking.
"I've never hurt a child, Mrs Rose. You have to believe me. I've never touched one. I've never touched Emma, I promise you."
Jackie took a few deep breaths. She'd promised to listen to him, to try and help, whatever it was. "What makes you think you're a pedophile then, Oscar?"
He stared at his lap again, and this time went to work on a fingernail. "I have urges. Impulses, I guess you could call them. It started when I was younger, twelve or thirteen, and I liked hanging out with the younger kids. I thought I'd grow out of it, you know, be attracted to older kids as I got older myself. But it never happened. I'm not interested in the kids my own age, Mrs Rose. Not that way."
"But you are attracted to younger kids? Sexually?"
"Y-Yes." More tears.
Jackie reached for a tissue and handed it to him. "But you've never acted on any of these attractions?"
"No, not at all. I've wanted to. But no, I know how wrong it is."
Jackie tried to remain calm. This was by far the hardest conversation she'd ever had with a teenager. "Can you give me a minute, Oscar?" she asked.
"You said you'd help me."
"I know, and I want to help you. I really do. But this is a lot to process. I just need a minute to collect my thoughts, figure out where to go from here. Is that okay?"
"Okay."
She left him at the dining table and went into her room. She closed the bathroom door and stared at herself in the mirror. She wanted to talk to someone else about this. She couldn't process it by herself. But she was all she had right now, so the mirror was going to have to do.
A pedophile? How could a fifteen year old know he was a pedophile? He's still basically a child himself. Maybe he was right, maybe he'd grow out of it. Maybe it just took a little longer than he thought to grow out of something like that.
Jackie leant heavily on the bathroom counter with both arms. If he thought he was going to grow out of it, he'd never have told her. It must have taken a lot of courage to say what Oscar had just said. To confide something so horrible to another person, a person who isn't even that close to him. No, he wasn't going to grow out of it. He knew exactly what he was. Just like he'd know if he were gay, like she thought he was going to say.
Jesus. What must be going through the kid's head? She couldn't imagine. But she didn't have to imagine, that's not what she was here for. She'd promised to help him, whatever it was. She had to do that. Someone had to do it, or God knows what was going to happen to him.
She looked into the mirror, steeling herself to go back out there. Emma and Ethan were all she could see. Emma was six years old. He swore he'd never hurt her, but he was only a kid himself. How could he make a promise like that? And Ethan. Did Ethan know? What if the kids at school found out, and Ethan was still friends with him? Would he be ostracised, as Oscar no doubt would? Guilt by association? Or worse, would they think the same thing of Ethan?
Jackie couldn't do this. She had her own kids to think about. And Charlie had been right, she had to take care of herself. She'd already lost one child, she wasn't about put the other two in jeopardy. She ran her hands through her hair, trying to work out the best way to tell Oscar she couldn't help him. He'd have to go and speak to his own parents, no matter how hard that was. They'd have to help him, get him someone professional to talk to.
She washed her face and turned towards the closed bathroom door. Straightening her shoulders, she readied herself to tell a fifteen year old boy with the worst problem she'd ever heard that she couldn't help him. She opened the door.
34
"Where are you going?" Jackie asked. Oscar had one foot out the front door. He turned, and everything she'd resolved in the bathroom crumbled when she saw his face.
"I'm going, Mrs Rose. I'm really sorry, I shouldn't have told you about my problem. I'll deal with it myself. You don't have to worry about me anymore."
Jackie went to him and removed the school bag from his shoulder. "Nonsense. You're not going anywhere. You can't tell me something as difficult and deeply personal as that, and then just leave. I said I'd help you, Oscar, and I will. I just needed a minute to get my head around it, that's all."
Oscar's eyes widened. "For real? You'll really help me?"
Jackie saw something in his face she realised he hadn't known for a long time. Hope. She nodded. "For real. Now, sit back down and tell me what's going on with your parents."
This time Jackie pointed him to the kitchen bench, and he pulled out a stool and sat while she started getting things ready to make dinner. Somewhere between the bathroom and here she'd changed her mind completely, realised she couldn't let Oscar and his huge problem walk out and go God knows where to do God knows what to himself. He'd chosen her to confide in, and as much as she was having trouble stomaching his problem, a tiny part of her was pleased he'd come to her for help. She felt like she'd been failing at every turn as a mother lately, and Oscar's choosing her was at least a small validation that she still had something to offer.
"I love my parents, Mrs Rose."
"I don't doubt that, Oscar. And I'm really pleased to hear it. So why do you feel that you can't tell them what you've just told me?"
"I guess I'm scared of how they'll react."
Jackie understood. Telling her was one thing — if she reacted badly, as he'd probably expected her to, it would have been disappointing for him but not the end of the world. He'd just have organised his life so he didn't have to see her ever again. If his parents reacted badly, though, it was a bit harder to block them out of his life. But they were his parents; they were supposed to love him unconditionally. Surely he knew that? But then, how could he? They never seemed to be around to tell him.
"Why is it that your mum and dad weren't able to come to the police station today?" she asked.
"Dad's in Melbourne for work, and Mum had some big meeting she couldn't get out of. Some visito
rs from Japan are at the factory today, it's been planned for months, and Mum's got to oversee it all. She couldn't leave."
Couldn't, or wouldn't? Jackie didn't think visitors from Japan were more important than being there for your son, but voicing that opinion right now wasn't going to help Oscar.
"This seems to happen a lot, mate. Does the fact that they're out a lot have something to do with why you can't talk to them? Or are you just scared at how they'll react?"
"Mostly how they'll react. But yeah, I don't get to see them very often. When I do, they're always talking about their stuff. People at work who piss them off, that sort of thing. Sometimes I feel like I get in the way. I'm a burden to them already, without even mentioning my problems. I can't imagine what would happen if I told them… you know, what I just told you."
Oscar went to the table and grabbed the can of soft drink he'd left there, but it was empty. Jackie was about to ask if he wanted another one, but she wouldn't let her own kids drink two cans of sugar in one day. She poured him a glass of water instead.
"Thanks." He sat back on the stool and started swinging on it back and forth, like Lachlan used to do. All of a sudden he looked so innocent, and a horrifying thought occurred to her.
"Oscar, were you abused as a child? Sexually?"
He shook his head. "No. I know this might be easier to understand if I had been. I've done some research, Mrs Rose. I know abused kids sometimes turn out to be abusers themselves. But it's not like that with me. I've had a normal childhood, even if my parents aren't around much. No-one touched me. This is something I can't explain, but I can't deny it, either. It's real, Mrs Rose. I'm sexually attracted to little kids, and there's nothing I can do to turn it off."
Oscar burst into tears then, and Jackie pushed the whole box of tissues over in front of him before coming around the counter to his side. She wrapped her arms around him and held him while he let the grief and utter helplessness spill out. It was a long time and many tissues before he pulled himself together.
"So, what do we do now?" he finally asked.
"Good question." And it was a good question. Jackie had no idea. How do you help a teenager who thinks he's a pedophile? Where do you even start? Do you report it to some authority? The police? He hasn't done anything wrong, though, not that she knows about.
Oscar must have read her mind. "You're not going to tell that copper about this, are you?" the look on his face showed how frightening the idea was to him.
"To be honest with you, Oscar, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. But I believe you when you say you haven't hurt anyone."
"I haven't, and I won't. I promise."
"I believe you," she said again. "Do you feel better after talking about it?"
"Yes," he replied, and the answer seemed to shock him.
"That's good." Jackie smiled. "Talking about a problem is a major first step. She looked at the clock. "Look, I have to go and get Emma from school now. Why don't I drop you off at home on the way? You can leave your problem with me for now, and I'll have a good think about what we can do next. Does that sound okay?"
Oscar nodded. "Thanks, Mrs Rose. Ethan's lucky to have you for a mum."
She gave him a final hug. "Remind him of that sometime, will you? He doesn't seem to agree."
35
"Charlie, I'm on my way to work. Do we have to talk about this now?"
Cooper had called Jackie early this morning, knowing from Liz that she was due back at work today and wanting to catch her before she got too busy. "You're on hands free, I take it?"
"Yes, but—"
"I won't take up much of your time. I just wanted to ask you whether you'd consent to me interviewing Ethan again. Alone, this time."
There was a pause, and Cooper could almost hear Jackie trying to come up with a reason to say no. "Why do you want to interview him alone?" she finally asked.
"I think he knows something. It's just a hunch. It may not be anything important, but it just might be the break we need. Whatever it is, I don't think he was comfortable yesterday speaking to me in front of you."
"And you think you'll be able to get it out of him alone? Whatever it is you think he knows?"
"With my partner, yes. I think the two of us could persuade him to share."
"I don't like the idea, Charlie. Ethan's been through enough. I don't think taking him back to the police station and having him formally interviewed by two detectives is what he needs right now."
"Maybe not, but we need a break if we're going to find out what really happened to Lachlan, Jackie. We don't have to do it at the station. We could come to your place after school, if you think that might be better."
Another silence. Please, Cooper thought. He couldn't compel Ethan Rose to tell him anything, he had no proof the boy had done anything wrong. And if he was honest with himself, he didn't think Ethan had anything to do with Lachlan's death, or the other kids. But he knew something, and Cooper bet it had to do with Oscar White. He needed to get Ethan alone, but he could see Jackie was going to stand in his way. Maybe he needed a different approach.
"I'm not sure you should be letting Ethan hang around with Oscar anymore, Jackie."
"Why's that?" He picked up a measure of defence in her voice.
"There's something not right about him. I don't know what it is, but I think he might be wrapped up in all this somehow. He's bad news."
"No he isn't. He's just a confused teenager."
"How do you know that? Has he spoken to you?"
Jackie hesitated, and Cooper's interest was piqued. He waited for her to say something.
"I had a good talk with him yesterday. He's got problems, Charlie, but I don't think they have anything to do with Lachlan's death. He's a good kid."
"I'm afraid I'm going to need more convincing than that. We've read his report cards from his previous school, and now this one. He's not doing well, the teachers all say he's distracted in class. He's got no friends that we can tell, besides Ethan. He's trouble, Jackie."
"He's not trouble. He's in trouble, yes. He has a problem that no teenage boy should ever have to deal with. But it's got nothing to do with Lachlan. You're barking up the wrong tree."
"What problem? Is he being abused? If he is, you know you have to tell me. Or tell someone."
"He's not being abused. Charlie, I'm trying to help him. I'm trying to handle it. Will you let me handle it?"
Cooper sighed. If it was anyone else, he'd probably let it go. But Jackie Rose had just lost her son to a killer who was still out there. The last thing she needed was the problems of someone else's son.
"Where are his own parents? Why aren't they handling it?"
"I'm going to talk to them, when the time is right. But it's a very delicate situation, and I need to handle it right."
"If it's that delicate, you need help. Tell me, Jackie. Honestly, I'm a detective. I've seen everything. Let me help."
"All right, let me pull over." Cooper waited while she stopped safely at the side of the road. It must be big, he thought, if she couldn't talk and keep driving. He may well have seen a lot in his years as a police officer, but he was not ready for what Jackie said next.
"Oscar thinks he's a pedophile."
Cooper looked around the office, for some reason suddenly concerned that someone might have overheard. "He what?" he finally said.
"He thinks he might be a pedophile. He's attracted to younger kids. Much younger kids. He says he's never acted on it, but he can't help the urges. Like I said, he's a very confused teenage boy right now. He needs our help."
"He needs locking up," Cooper said, the words out of his mouth before he could think about them.
"No, he doesn't. He hasn't done anything wrong."
"That you know of."
"I believe him, Charlie. This is why I didn't want to tell you. I knew you'd overreact."
"How do you know he hasn't touched Emma?"
"He promised me he hadn't, and I believe him. Plus, Emma would have
told me. She's not a shy kid, and she's been perfectly fine around him. He hasn't hurt her, I'm sure of it."
Cooper didn't know how she could be so calm. A pedophile, even a fifteen-year-old one, was a dangerous predator. Knowing that one had been anywhere near your young child, Jesus. Michael and Patrick popped into his mind. He'd kill anyone who ever touched them, he knew he would. How could Jackie be okay with this? How could she want to help the monster?
"I'm going to pick him up and have another talk with him," he said. "If his parents aren't present, that's their problem."
"Charlie, you can't. I promised him I wouldn't say anything, you're going to destroy the trust he's put in me."
"So?"
"So he needs help, not persecution. Believe me, I was as horrified as you are when he told me. I had to leave the room, sort through my feelings. I was sickened at the thought of him in the same room as Emma, in the same house even. But once I calmed down, I saw him for what he is. He's a frightened boy, Charlie, not a sick monster. He's been brave enough to come to me for help, and I'm damn well going to try and give it to him."
Cooper leaned back in his chair, his right hand running through what was left of his hair. Quinn walked into the office, two paper cups with lids balanced one on top of the other in his left hand. He put his keys and a folder down on his desk, then took the top cup and handed it to Cooper. Cooper nodded thanks, then turned his attention back to the phone.
"Look," he said to Jackie, "I need to think all this through."
"I'll let you interview Ethan again tomorrow after school," said Jackie. "But in the meantime, promise me you won't do anything about Oscar. Leave that to me, I'll think of something. Maybe I'll talk to Liz about it today at work."
Cooper thought about it. Liz might just be the right person to handle this. And he needed to interview Ethan again, find out what he was hiding. "All right. Talk to Liz, she might know of some organisation or psychiatrist that can help the kid. I'll leave him alone for now, at least until I've interviewed Ethan. You sure we can't do it today?"
The Dark Series Page 83