Still she lingered. Wrapping her arms around her shoulders, she leaned against the front door and drew in a deep breath of the fragrant night air. She would never again smell the sweet scent of honeysuckle and not think of her first exciting, wonderful kiss with Caleb.
First kiss. Why had she not thought only kiss? It was as if she was already anticipating repeating the pleasure, as if she knew in her heart the kiss they’d just shared was only the first of many. Heat swept through her.
You’d better hang on to your heart, she warned herself firmly as she left the porch and went back into the house. She wasn’t about to fall back into hopeless fantasies of love. She couldn’t take another bond, another bout of broken promises and unfulfilled dreams. It was better not to dream at all.
Caleb had been clear about the fact that he didn’t know if he intended to remain in St. Louis or go back to Chicago. It would be crazy for her to fall into any sort of intimate relationship with him, even crazier to allow Hannah to hope for any kind of bond with a man who would probably only manage to break her fragile heart.
Erica had no idea yet if Caleb McMann was a prince or a frog and she wasn’t willing to chance her heart or her daughter’s in order to find out for sure.
Caleb sat on the floor of the large, airy bedroom, carefully sanding the combined oak window seat and toy box he’d finished building the night before.
He paused to run his hand along the edge, checking for rough wood that might produce splinters. Smooth as glass.
Satisfied, he sat back on his haunches and looked around the room. He had no idea what this second-floor space had originally been, but the moment he’d seen it, he’d known it was a perfect bedroom for a child.
Caleb had spent the two weeks since he’d moved into the house making it even more perfect. He’d not only built the low, easily accessible window seats that opened to provide toy storage, but he’d also added two solid oak bookcases with wide, deep shelving.
The masterpiece was the solid structure he had built against one wall, which not only provided bunkbeds for sleeping, but also a jungle gym for hours of playing pleasure.
It was a room made for a princess…a room his princess would never play in, where she would never sleep. The pain that swept through him at the thought of Katie was less intense than it had always been before. Was time finally muting the agony? Making the loss liveable? The pain of her loss would always be with him; he just hoped it would eventually become manageable.
Deciding to take a lunch break, he stood and stretched, then headed for the kitchen.
It took him only minutes to slap together a sandwich and sit down at the table. From the living room came the sounds of the painters he’d hired, their conversation punctuated by the noise of their paint rollers as they transformed the walls from old and faded to new and bright.
He should have told her. The thought came unbidden, as it had a hundred times in the two days since he and Erica had gone to the movies.
And then came the sharp stab of guilt. He should have told her about Katie. He should have told her about Katie’s heart.
He’d meant to. As she’d explained to him about Hannah’s health problems, the confession had taken form in his head, but it had never made it to his mouth.
Fear had kept him silent…the fear that she’d send him away, the fear that he’d never get to spend time with her again, never get to kiss her again.
The kiss. Even now, two days after the fact, the thought of their kiss sent rivulets of warmth up his spine, a tingling of desire through his veins. He hadn’t expected this sharp, intense reaction to kissing her, he hadn’t expected the overwhelming need and want that had washed over him.
He realized now his desire for Erica was a very separate need from his wish to spend additional time with Hannah. Being with Hannah helped assuage the devastating emptiness that Katie’s death had left behind. Seeing the little girl so filled with life, cheeks flushed with health, somehow made the ache less intense. Besides, Hannah was a delightful little girl who had easily managed to capture Caleb’s affection.
Being with Erica had awakened very different needs, needs he’d believed he no longer possessed. When Judith had died, he’d decided that having Katie in his life was enough.
He hadn’t pursued other women, hadn’t dated or even dreamed that a day would come when the loneliness inside him might make him feel differently.
Erica made him think that perhaps he’d been wrong to shut himself off so completely from the idea of loving again. Judith wouldn’t have wanted him to spend his life alone.
Just before Judith’s death, she’d made him promise her two things: first, that he would remarry, and second, that he would take care of Katie. He’d failed miserably at both promises.
He wasn’t sure specifically what his feelings were where Erica was concerned. He only knew he enjoyed her company, admired her strength, and felt a strong physical desire for her.
You should have told her the truth, that little inner voice returned to nag at him. You owe it to her. She has to know sooner or later.
He frowned and finished the last bite of his sand wich. He should tell her…now, before their relationship developed any further.
A knock on the back door made him jump in surprise. He hurried to answer and was surprised to see Hannah standing on his back porch.
“Hi, munchkin,” he greeted her. “Where’s your mother?”
She pushed past him into the kitchen, her big brown eyes snapping with childish anger. “She’s at home. I runned away.” She took a seat at the table, appearing as comfortable as if she’d been in his home, sat at his table a hundred times before. “You got any cookies?” she asked.
Caleb nodded. “Did you tell your mother that you were running away?” he asked as he got out a package of chocolate-chip cookies.
“No. I sneaked out the window in my room. Can I have a glass of milk with these?”
“Sure.” Caleb poured the milk then joined her at the table. “Why did you run away?”
Hannah frowned and chewed a cookie thoughtfully. “My dream friend says I’m too big for naps, and I don’t want to take them anymore, but Mommy says I have to ’cause of my heart. I hate naps, so, I runned away.”
Caleb hid a smile, remembering how Katie had always hated to nap. “Maybe we should call and let your mother know you’re gone. Running away really doesn’t count unless you tell your mom.” Caleb knew how worried Erica would be if she decided to check on her napping child and found instead an empty bedroom.
Hannah scratched her cheek thoughtfully. “Okay. You can call her and tell her, but tell her I’m not ever coming home until I don’t have to take any more naps.”
Caleb got up from the table and used the kitchen phone to call Erica. “Hi, Erica,” he said when she answered. An unexpected warmth washed through him at the sound of her voice. “I just wanted to let you know that Hannah has run away from home and is now sitting at my kitchen table.”
“What?” It was obvious from Erica’s reaction that she had no idea her daughter had defected out the window. “She’s run away? Why?”
“She refuses to take another nap,” he said, once again hiding a smile as Hannah nodded solemnly.
“Really?” Amusement lit Erica’s voice, again creating a flood of warmth in Caleb as he imagined her lips curved into an appealing smile.
“She says she isn’t coming home until you agree to no more naps.”
Erica laughed. “That little stinker.”
“I think maybe this is a dilemma that should be discussed over milk and cookies.”
“I’ll be right over.”
She hung up and Caleb did the same, then turned to face Hannah. “Is she mad?” Hannah asked.
“She’s coming over to talk with you.”
“She didn’t say anything about a time-out, did she?” Hannah said the word time-out as if it left a dreadful taste in her mouth.
Caleb rejoined her at the table. “No, she didn’t ment
ion a time-out.”
“Good.” She breathed a deep sigh of relief, then frowned again. “I don’t need naps no more. The doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.” She tilted her head and looked at Caleb. “I’d like to have a horse someday. Wouldn’t that be nice?”
Caleb smiled. He’d learned a long time ago that conversations with children never followed any kind of pattern but a purely spontaneous one. From naps to horses in the space of a sentence.
“Hello?” Erica’s voice called from the back door.
“Come on in,” Caleb replied.
She entered, ushering in a breeze of hot air and the scent that Caleb would forever associate with her…the scent of sweet, blooming flowers and fresh, clean rain. “Hmm, chocolate chip…my favorite.” She sat down in the chair between Hannah and Caleb and reached for one of the cookies in the center of the table.
She took a bite of the cookie, then smiled at Caleb. “It’s a gorgeous day, isn’t it?”
“Beautiful,” he agreed.
“Hard to believe it’s already July. Summer will be over before we know it,” Erica continued.
“Mommy!” Hannah sighed in frustration, obviously piqued that the conversation wasn’t revolving around her. “I runned away.”
“Yes, that’s what Caleb explained to me on the phone,” Erica replied.
“I’m not coming home, Mommy, not until I don’t have to take any more naps.” Hannah raised her little chin rebelliously.
“Where will you live?” Erica asked.
It was obvious the question surprised Hannah. Her eyes opened wide and she looked from her mother to Caleb, then back again. “I’ll live in the tree house.”
“The tree house isn’t ready yet,” Caleb said. “I still have to put the windows in. Right now, if you live in it, when it rains you’ll get wet. When the weather turns cold, you’ll be cold.”
“I don’t care. I’ll be cold so I don’t have to take any more naps,” Hannah replied stubbornly.
Erica exchanged a glance with Caleb, and for just a moment he felt as if he’d fallen into a world where the two of them were life partners, where they were sharing the parenting of the precocious little girl.
“Hannah, naps are good for you. It’s when your body rests,” Erica explained.
“My dream friend says we’re too old for naps.”
Erica frowned. “I wish I could have a talk with your dream friend.”
“What about quiet time instead of naps?” Caleb suggested. He hoped he wasn’t overstepping his bounds and sighed in relief as Erica nodded her encouragement.
“What do you mean?” Hannah eyed him suspiciously.
“Each afternoon, you could lie quietly and read a book, or maybe draw pictures, but you wouldn’t have to actually take a nap,” he explained.
“I think that sounds agreeable,” Erica said.
Hannah studied her mom thoughtfully. “And we wouldn’t call it nap time?”
“Nap time is for babies. Quiet time is for adults,” Caleb said.
“And you’re right,” Erica said. “You aren’t a baby any more.”
Hannah finished the last bite of a cookie, then drained the milk from her glass. “Okay,” she said as she swiped her upper lip with the back of her hand. “We can go home now.”
Together the three of them stood and stepped out the back door. “’Bye, Mr. Man,” Hannah said as she headed toward the gate of the fence that separated the two properties. “Thanks for the cookies.”
Erica paused on the porch, her warm smile lighting all the shadows in Caleb’s heart. “You handled that very well.”
“So did you,” he replied. “Let’s hope all her childhood growing pains are handled as easily.”
“Amen.” She cocked her head, her gaze lingering on him. “We’ve planned a trip to the zoo for next Saturday. I thought I’d pack a picnic lunch and we’d spend the day there. Would you like to join us?”
He was thrilled by the invitation. “I can’t think of anything I’d rather do.”
“Then why don’t we plan on going about ten.”
“Sounds great. I’ll be at your house at ten.”
She nodded and started to leave, then turned back to him. “You really should have children someday, Caleb. You’d make a wonderful father.”
Caleb was grateful that she immediately turned and walked back toward her house. He was grateful she couldn’t see his tears. He was grateful she wouldn’t know how her words had reopened the wounds he’d thought had begun to heal.
Chapter 7
“She’s growing up,” Erica said as Hannah raced ahead of them toward the monkey cages. Clad in a bright yellow sundress, the little girl looked like a piece of the sun whirling in the hot breeze.
“That’s what children are supposed to do,” Caleb said, his gaze as warm as the sun itself as it lingered on her.
“I know. But it’s happening so fast. A year ago she was so fragile, so needy, and now I can’t seem to keep up with her.” Erica sighed, fighting off a tinge of depression that had been with her for the past week.
It had surprised her how quickly Hannah had jumped at the opportunity to spend time without her mother the night Erica and Caleb had gone to the movies. Hannah running away, rebelling against nap time had been further proof that the little girl was reaching out to life…reaching away from Erica.
Before, Erica had always been enough for Hannah. Now that was no longer the case. Hannah had begun to look outward, she’d begun to recognize there was a whole big world out there, a world outside of her mother.
Caleb threw an arm around her shoulders. “Relax, you still have a few years before she marries and leaves your home forever.”
Erica laughed, surprised to discover how good, how utterly right his arm felt around her. He smelled like summer, a clean scent of sunshine, fresh air and a dash of masculine cologne. As always, he looked devastatingly handsome in his tight jeans and a short-sleeved blue T-shirt that made his eyes the color of blue ice, with just a hint of silver.
She was beginning to trust him, and that both frightened and thrilled her. It had been so long since she’d opened herself up to a man, allowed herself to be vulnerable and let the winds of chance guide her. She only hoped this time fate would be more kind than it had been in the past.
“Look Mommy! Look, Mr. Man!” Hannah squealed with delight as she watched the monkeys swinging through the trees, chattering with excitement. “Look at the little baby.” Hannah pointed to a tiny monkey clinging to its mother’s belly. She turned and eyed Erica in speculation. “I think you need to have a baby. I’d make a really good big sister.”
Erica looked at her daughter in surprise. Never had Hannah expressed a desire for a sibling. “Honey…I can’t…we’re not…you’re supposed to be married before you have a baby. I’m not married.”
“But you could be. You could marry Mr. Man.” Hannah smiled at them both, as if extremely pleased with her idea. “He’d make a very good daddy.”
Caleb dropped his arm from around Erica’s shoulders at the same time she stepped away from him. “Honey, it’s not that simple,” Erica said, her cheeks warming with embarrassment.
“How come?” Hannah placed her hands on her hips and stared at the two adults. “You get married, you have a baby and we all live happily ever after.”
“How about we see the polar bears, eat some lunch and all live happily ever after?” Caleb suggested.
Hannah thought for a moment, then smiled. “Okay, let’s go see the bears.” She skipped ahead of them.
“Thanks,” Erica said to Caleb.
“No problem.” His eyes twinkled in amusement. “Leave it to kids to put their parents in awkward positions.”
She looked at him curiously. “You talk like a man with experience.”
“Actually, I…”
“Hannah, stay on this side of the fence,” Erica yelled as she saw Hannah leaning over the protective railing that surrounded the bears’ compound. “Sorry.” She flashed
an apologetic smile at Caleb. “You were saying?”
He shrugged. “It wasn’t important.”
She had the feeling he’d been about to tell her something…something important, but as she saw the guarded expression in his eyes, she knew the moment had passed and dismissed it from her mind.
Throughout the rest of the morning as they went from one animal display to another, Erica couldn’t help but admire the patience Caleb exhibited with Hannah. She had a million questions about each animal they saw, and he had a million answers.
It warmed Erica’s heart to see the two interact— Hannah and her “Mr. Man.” Erica didn’t know exactly what was happening with Caleb McMann. She wasn’t sure where they were heading or if they were heading anywhere.
All she knew for certain was that she liked Caleb. He was funny and warm, sexy and caring. Being with him felt good and it had been a very long time since Erica had felt confident about life, about what the future held. She only knew for certain that it felt right to be with Caleb. And for now, that was enough.
She only hoped he didn’t break Hannah’s heart. She only hoped he didn’t break her own heart.
“Who’s hungry?” she asked as they left the seal pool.
“I am!” Hannah exclaimed.
“I’m so hungry I almost stole one of those little fishies they were feeding the seals,” Caleb said.
Peals of laughter escaped Hannah. “Mommy didn’t pack little fishies in the picnic basket, but she did make fried chicken.”
“Mmm, my favorite,” Caleb exclaimed. “I’ll race you both to the car.” Laughing with abandonment, Erica followed after the two.
An hour later Erica and Caleb sat on a blanket beneath a large oak tree, finishing up the last of lunch. Hannah had already eaten and was playing nearby with a couple of other children on the park swings.
“I am stuffed.” Caleb groaned and rolled onto his back.
“I would think so after all the chicken you put away,” Erica said with a laugh.
“Three pieces.”
In a Heartbeat Page 9