In a Heartbeat

by Carla Cassidy

  “She doesn’t have to go through anything alone again,” Caleb said.

  Keith smiled ruefully. “I’m not sure she knows how to do it any other way. She’s a strong woman, and sometimes I think her strength is her biggest weakness.”

  At that moment Hannah exploded out of the swing ing doors, Erica following on her heels. “Hi, Mr. Man.” She raced over to him, chin raised. “Look, I got butterflies on my chin. Three of them.”

  “Butterfly stitches,” Erica said.

  “Wow.” Caleb looked duly impressed. He tweaked Hannah’s nose. “Guess I’d rather have butterfly stitches than elephant stitches.”

  Hannah giggled. “I think elephant stitches would be really, really big.” She giggled again, the giggle transforming into a yawn.

  “Come on, let’s get you home,” Erica said briskly.

  “Home?” Hannah looked at her mother in dismay. “But can’t I go back to Uncle Keith’s?”

  “Not tonight. You’ve had enough excitement for one night.” Erica didn’t look at either of the men.

  “Okay, let’s get out of here,” Caleb said.

  They were a silent group as they piled into Caleb’s car. Erica sat in the passenger seat and Keith got into the back with Hannah.

  “Could you take us home first so I can get Hannah to bed?” Erica asked as they left the hospital.

  “Sure,” Caleb agreed. Distance. It radiated from Erica. He had no idea what she was thinking, what she was feeling.

  She looked tired, as if the burst of adrenaline her initial worry had produced had left her and now she was drained…exhausted. There was nothing Caleb would have rather done than put his arms around her, give her whatever support she needed, but he got the distinct impression that any touch, any means of support would be quickly rebuffed.

  Her strength was her greatest weakness. Keith’s words echoed in Caleb’s brain. An interesting concept. Being strong and independent was commendable, but when did those qualities became faults? When you shoved away the people who loved you?

  The rest of the trip was accomplished in silence. When they pulled up in Erica’s driveway, Keith got out of the car as well. “Could I tuck her in?”

  “Yeah, Mommy, let Uncle Keith tuck me in,” Hannah said.

  Erica hesitated a moment, then nodded. All four of them entered the house. Caleb and Keith sat in the living room as Erica got Hannah ready for bed. “I’m never going to live this down,” Keith said softly to Caleb. “Erica is never going to forgive me for this.”

  Caleb looked at him in surprise. “Keith, it was an accident. No real harm done. There’s nothing to forgive,” Caleb exclaimed.

  Keith flashed him a tight smile. “You don’t know my sister. If she had her way, she’d put Hannah in a protective bubble to keep the world away.”

  At that moment Erica returned to the living room. “You can go on in,” she said to Keith, then she moved to the window and stared out into the night.

  As Keith left the room, Caleb went to stand behind Erica. He placed his hands on her shoulders, but she was as rigid as a block of stone. “Are you okay?” he asked softly.

  “Of course.” She whirled around, away from his touch and sank down on the sofa. “I’m fine, now that I know Hannah is fine. Thank God it was nothing more serious than stitches.”

  “No childhood is complete without a couple of stitches,” Caleb said, but she made no reply.

  At that moment Kevin came out of the bedroom. “I think she’s asleep,” he said. He shifted from foot to foot, his gaze intent on Erica, who was staring at the coffee table in front of where she sat. “Erica…I’m sorry about all this.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” she replied tersely. Finally she looked at her brother. “I should have followed my initial instincts and said no when you invited her to spend the night.”

  “Yeah, right,” Keith said dryly. “I could have guessed that’s what you’d say.”

  “Maybe I should just wait outside for you,” Caleb said to Keith, uncomfortable with the conversation and the simmering tension between the siblings.

  “No, please stay,” Keith protested. “I have a few things I need to get off my chest, and it wouldn’t hurt for you to hear them, too.”

  “By all means, Caleb. We have no secrets here,” Erica said, a flash of anger radiating from her eyes.

  Reluctantly Caleb leaned against the window frame.

  “Erica, please don’t do this,” Keith said. He sat down next to his sister. “Please don’t punish my family for an accident. Don’t punish Hannah for an accident.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” Erica scoffed. “I’m not punishing anyone. I just think perhaps we hurried things a bit. Hannah isn’t ready to spend time away yet.”

  Caleb felt Keith’s frustration, but wisely kept his mouth shut. No matter how close he and Erica had gotten in the last several weeks, he wasn’t in a position to intervene in the issues between brother and sister.

  “When will she be ready, Erica?” Keith asked. “When she’s ten…twenty? I think the real question here is when will you be ready?”

  Erica stood up, as if not wanting to hear any more. “You just don’t understand, Keith.” She paced the floor in front of the sofa. “You don’t understand what it’s like to be afraid for your child. You don’t know what it’s been like for me, to have to face everything alone.”

  Keith stood up, took three paces to Erica and placed his hands on her shoulders. “But Erica, that’s my point. You’ve never had to face all this alone. I was always there for you, but you never let me in.” His voice radiated love and concern, and made Caleb think of Sarah and how she worried about him.

  Erica’s lower lip trembled, the first indication of any emotion. “You left me,” she said softly.

  Keith’s eyes opened wide and he dropped his hands to his sides. “What are you talking about?” he asked incredulously. “Left you when?”

  “First daddy left, then you did.” She bit her bottom lip, as if angered by the traitorous tremble.

  “I didn’t leave you, Erica,” Keith said emphatically. “I grew up. I was eighteen years old, it was time for me to begin my life as an adult. I didn’t abandon you, I went into the army.”

  “It doesn’t matter now,” Erica said curtly and stepped away from him. “It’s all water under the bridge.”

  “But it’s not,” Keith disagreed. “First Dad, then me, then Chuck.” He shook his head and gazed at his sister, his love apparent in his eyes. “You think you’re protecting Hannah, but it’s your own heart you’re trying to protect. I thought this was all about Hannah, but now I realize it’s all about you.”

  “Oh please, stop with the psycho-babble,” Erica said with the first hint of anger. “I’m making choices to protect my child.”

  “You might think that’s what you’re doing, but you aren’t. For God’s sake, the poor kid has an imaginary friend.” Keith’s voice radiated his own anger.

  “It’s a dream friend,” Erica returned coolly.

  “Same thing. It serves the same purpose, easing the loneliness of a little girl…a little girl whose mother won’t let her go. The real problem here is that Hannah doesn’t have a heart problem…you do.” He looked at Caleb. “I’m ready to go home now.” Without waiting for Caleb’s reply, Keith left through the front door.

  Erica stared after him, her eyes haunted. After a long moment she gazed at Caleb, the momentary vulnerable look gone. “He just doesn’t understand. His children have never been sick. He’s never had to hear a doctor give his child three months to live.” She straightened her shoulders and raised her chin. “You’d better go. He’s waiting for you.”

  “Are you sure you’re all right?” Caleb asked. Keith had laid a pretty heavy load on her shoulders and he was surprised at how well she appeared to have taken it.

  “I’m fine,” she replied curtly.

  “Do you want me to come back over after I take Keith home?” He wanted her to say yes. He desperately wan
ted her to need him.

  “No. Really, I’m fine.” She cast him an over-bright smile. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  He nodded and left.

  There’s really no reason to feel depressed, he thought as he drove home after dropping Keith at his house. Still, he was disappointed that Erica hadn’t wanted him to come back to her house.

  The conversation between Keith and Erica had been illuminating in many respects. Although she’d mentioned her father leaving the family, Caleb hadn’t realized the scars that each and every abandonment she’d suffered had caused on her heart. The men in her life had let her down dreadfully.

  He remembered how cool she had been when he’d first met her, the icy reserve that had surrounded her like an impenetrable fortress. Protection. That’s what it had been. She’d been guarding her heart against any further pain. But was it any wonder after all the desertions she’d experienced in her life?

  He’d made a chink in that armor. She’d risked enough to date him, to dance with him and laugh with him. She’d allowed her guard to come down to make love with him.

  But it wasn’t enough for Caleb.

  One step forward, two steps back. That was what Keith had said, and that was exactly what Caleb had felt with Erica this evening.

  Because of a minor childhood accident, he’d lost all that he had gained with Erica. She’d crawled back into a shell of isolation, a place she considered safe for herself and Hannah…a place where there was no room for him.

  He was losing her before he’d ever really had her…and damned if he knew what to do about it.

  Chapter 11

  The doorbell rang just after eleven on Saturday morning. “Hey Mommy, Mr. Man is here,” Hannah yelled from the living room.

  Damn. Erica frowned irritably. For the past four days, ever since the night of Hannah’s hospital visit and the fight with Keith, Erica had managed to avoid everyone, including Caleb.

  He’d called a dozen times, leaving messages on her machine. He’d come over as well, but she’d managed to pretend they weren’t home and hadn’t answered the door.

  She heard Hannah and Caleb talking and reluctantly saved the work on her laptop, then shut off the computer. As she stood up from the table, Hannah and Caleb burst through the doorway. Hannah was riding piggyback on Caleb, her arms wrapped tight around his neck.

  “Mommy, Mr. Man says we’re going to a carnival,” Hannah said, her dark eyes snapping with excitement.

  “There’s a carnival that just opened on the south side of town. It’s a beautiful morning and I won’t take no for an answer.” Although Caleb’s voice sounded strong and firm, uncertainty radiated from his eyes.

  Erica didn’t want to go. She didn’t want to spend any time with him. She was too vulnerable where he was concerned. It was something she’d promised herself would never happen again. He frightened her because he touched her heart.

  Her mind had spun in the last four days with all the things Keith had thrown at her, resulting in profound confusion about every area of her life, including her handsome neighbor…especially her handsome neighbor.

  She didn’t want to hurt again. She didn’t think she could stand another abandonment in her life. She needed to guard her heart and withdrawing from him had been the only way she knew how.

  “Please, Erica,” he said softly.

  “Yeah Mommy, ple-e-e-e-ase.” Hannah turned the one-syllable plea into multiple syllables.

  Erica wanted to be mad. After all, he should have asked her first before bringing up the carnival to Hannah. But it was impossible to maintain any sort of anger as she stared at the two eager faces, both waiting for her assent.

  She threw her hands up helplessly. “I guess I’m outvoted here, so the carnival it is.”

  Hannah cheered and Caleb cast her a warm smile that started to clear the cobwebs that had obscured rational thinking for the past four days.

  Minutes later they were all in Caleb’s car, heading for the carnival that had been set up for the weekend in a shopping-mall parking lot.

  “You’ve been avoiding me,” Caleb said softly.

  “I’ve been avoiding everyone,” she admitted. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.”

  “And?”

  She flashed him a quick smile. “And I don’t think I’m ready to talk about it yet. I just want to enjoy the day with Hannah…and you.”

  The warmth of his answering grin created a flutter in her heart, and she wondered how she had managed to get through the past four days without seeing him.

  “Your wish is granted, my lady. One day of pure enjoyment with the little munchkin and me,” he said.

  “Mommy, look!” Hannah pointed out the window, where in the distance a Ferris wheel could be seem rising skyward. “What’s that?”

  “That’s a Ferris wheel, honey,” Erica explained. “You sit on the seats and it takes you up to the sky.”

  “Do you go to heaven?” Hannah asked curiously.

  “No, not that high,” Erica assured her. She and Hannah had shared many conversations about heaven in the past, when Hannah’s future had been so uncertain.

  “She’s never seen a Ferris wheel before?” Caleb asked curiously.

  “She’s never been to a carnival before,” Erica replied.

  Caleb shook his head ruefully. “So many firsts she has to experience. I’m glad I get to share this one with her.”

  Erica knew at that moment she wanted him there to share in each and every first Hannah experienced for the rest of her life. She wanted him to be there when Hannah had her first day of school, her first date, her first child.

  The past four days of contemplation had caused her to reexamine many things in her life. She’d wanted her feeling for Caleb to change. She’d been afraid to accept how important he’d become to her, afraid of being abandoned yet again.

  Hannah’s accident had brought back all her old fears, but now she realized it was too late for her to protect herself. Caleb was important to her. In truth, the distance of that time away from him had only crystallized in her mind how very special he’d become.

  After Caleb parked the car, they piled out, instantly greeted by the cacophony of sounds and the myriad odors that belonged to carnivals everywhere.

  The merry sound of a calliope battled with the excited screams of children and adults on the various rides. Bells rang, barkers shouted and laughter rose into the din.

  The scents of roasting peanuts, fresh popcorn and sweet cotton candy mingled together to produce a heavenly fragrance that got digestive juices flowing and stomachs gurgling.

  “Where to first?” Caleb asked. It felt perfectly natural when his hand grabbed hers, their fingers entwining as they headed down the midway.

  “The Ferris wheel,” Hannah exclaimed, obviously awed by the huge structure that glistened in the sunshine.

  “The Ferris wheel it is,” Caleb replied.

  A few minutes later Caleb and Erica were safely buckled into the seat, Hannah between them, as the ride took them skyward.

  “Oh Mommy, look!” Hannah pointed outward. “You can see the whole world from here,” she exclaimed.

  Erica and Caleb laughed. “Not the whole world, munchkin,” Caleb said, “but a bunch of it.”

  At that moment, with Hannah’s eyes shining bright with pleasure, everything that had been tumbling through Erica’s head for the past four days coalesced into a single truth. Keith had been right.

  Erica had been holding tight to Hannah because of her own needs, not because of Hannah’s needs. She’d been hiding behind her daughter’s illness, using it as an excuse to keep herself uninvolved with other people, isolated from life and love.

  It was truly time to let go…time to share Hannah with the big, beautiful world. Tears misted her vision. Caleb was right. Nothing ever stayed the same and it was time to make changes in her life…in Hannah’s.

  Hannah deserved more, she deserved the chance to go to school, to make friends so she wouldn’t have t
o depend on a dream friend for company.

  “You okay?” Caleb stretched his arm out across Hannah’s back to touch Erica’s shoulder. Concern lit his eyes, making them darker than usual.

  She swiped the tears from her eyes and nodded. “I’m fine. We’ll talk later.”

  Later came when Hannah was riding one of the kiddie rides and Caleb and Erica stood on the sidelines watching. “I’m going to let her go to public school,” Erica said. Caleb’s arm around her shoulders was comforting and she smiled as he squeezed her closer.

  “I think that’s a wonderful decision. What prompted it?”

  Erica smiled ruefully. “The tongue-lashing I received from my brother.” Her smile faded as she thought of the harsh and emotional words she and Keith had exchanged. “For the first two days after that night, I was so angry I couldn’t think straight at all. What right did Keith have to tell me how to raise my daughter, how to live my life?”

  Caleb grinned at her. “The right of a brother who loves you and loves Hannah?”

  “That’s what I realized after I got over being mad.” She looked at Hannah, who was seated in a little car shaped like a bug. Her face was wreathed in happiness and each time the car passed where Caleb and Erica stood, she waved, her giggles audible over the roar of the machinery.

  “She loves life,” Erica said thoughtfully. “And she deserves to live it to its fullest, and that includes disappointments and heartaches and the entire spectrum of experiences.”

  “My mother always told me if you don’t experience the lows in life, you don’t recognize the highs,” Caleb observed.

  “A wise woman,” Erica replied. She watched Hannah and leaned into Caleb. Somehow she had the feeling that in making her decision regarding Hannah, she’d also cleared the last resistance to Caleb from her heart.

  She was opened as she’d never been before to the possibility of love. But she also realized that in being that open she was also accepting the possibility of being hurt. Hurt was part of life, and in trying so desperately to protect her daughter, to protect herself from it, she’d really not been living life at all.