“You’ve been so strong for so long.” Caleb’s voice was soft and filled with admiration. “You’ve handled so much, all alone. Things are going to change. I want you to know that you don’t have to be alone ever again.”
Erica’s heart expanded at his words. Never alone again. Although there was no way to guess what the future held for her and Caleb, she knew his words were true. No longer would she isolate herself and her daughter from the people who cared about them.
Yes, things were about to change. She intended to embrace all of life from now on. If she stumbled, if she got hurt, she’d pick herself up, dust herself off and start all over again. Without the fear that had been her constant companion for as long as she could remember, she found herself filled with a new hunger for everything.
As Hannah got off the ride and raced toward them, Erica grabbed Caleb’s hand and smiled at him, not with just her mouth, but with her heart and soul. “Come on, let’s go get a hot dog and some cotton candy. I’m starving!”
The transformation in Erica positively awed Caleb. For the first time in their relationship, he felt no reserve in her, no barriers to protect herself.
As the day progressed her laughter rang truer, her exuberance increased, and she touched him often, grabbing his hand, kissing his cheek, snuggling close whenever possible. It was as if something bad had been exorcized from her very soul, a restraint released and the end result was magnificent to see.
He’d meant what he’d told her, that she’d never have to face adversity alone again. He wanted to be at her side for everything life brought her. He wanted to share in her joys and triumphs as well as her disappointments and disillusionments.
He’d always believed he’d loved his wife as deeply, as richly as he was capable of at that time in his life. And if Judith had lived, he would probably have been happy with her for the rest of his life.
But, Judith was gone and Erica was here, and he realized he wanted all of Erica’s mornings, all of her nights, and everything in between.
As he watched Erica and Hannah riding a miniature roller coaster, his heart thudded with dread. He had to tell her the truth. Before their relationship could advance any further, he had to tell her about Katie.
The thought of her possible reaction to the news filled him with a kind of fear he’d never felt before. What if she hated him for not telling her sooner? What if she didn’t understand all the reasons that had kept him silent for this long? What if she sent him away?
He was a strong man. He’d survived the death of his wife and child. But would fate decree that he suffer yet another loss? The loss of Erica and Hannah?
There’s no reason to ever tell her the truth, a little voice whispered in his head. She never needs to know about Katie and Hannah’s physical connection. She never needs to know what really brought you to St. Louis and into her life.
He dismissed the thought as quickly as it had jumped into his head. He wanted to build something lasting, something permanent with Erica, not something built on a lie of omission.
One thing was clear. He couldn’t make love with her again, he couldn’t ask her to make a lifetime commitment to him until he told her.
“That was fun,” Hannah exclaimed as she came running over to where Caleb stood. “Did you see me and Mommy go over that big hill? Mommy screamed really loud.”
Caleb laughed and picked her up as Erica joined them. “Why don’t we go see if I can win you a big stuffed animal by throwing some baseballs?”
He steadfastly refused to dwell on his internal conflict today. The sun was shining too bright, Erica looked too beautiful and it was a day meant for building memories and fun, not worrying about what the future might or might not bring.
Dusk had nearly fallen by the time they were finally back in the car for the return trip to Erica’s house. Hannah was sound asleep in the back seat, a large stuffed frog in her arms.
“You could have bought her a dozen of those frogs for the amount of money you spent winning her one,” Erica said indulgently.
Caleb laughed, knowing it was true. “I couldn’t believe my aim with a baseball could be so bad, but there was no way I was going to walk away from that booth without a frog.”
Erica giggled. “I thought the guy was going to give you one just to get rid of you when you almost hit him in the head.”
“There I was, trying to show off my prowess to my best girl, and I couldn’t hit the side of a barn.” He shook his head ruefully. “If I had any shame at all, I’d be embarrassed by my miserable performance.”
He felt Erica’s gaze on him, warm and tender. Her hand touched his thigh and he turned to look at her. “Is that what I am? Your best girl?” she asked, her voice slightly breathy, and sexy as hell.
“Absolutely, my best and only—and if you don’t stop looking at me like that, I’ll have to do something drastic,” he warned teasingly.
“Looking at you like what?” she asked with feigned innocence.
“All dewy-eyed and with enough heat to melt candle wax. You wouldn’t want me to pull the car over and ravish you while your daughter sleeps in the back seat.”
“You’re right about that. There are better places to be ravished than in a car.” She removed her hand from his thigh then sighed, a sigh that filled the interior of the car with contentment. “A week ago, if you’d told me I was your best girl, I would have run for the hills. I was so afraid of being hurt again.”
Dread once again rolled in the pit of Caleb’s stomach. He didn’t want to hurt her…ever…but he feared what revealing his secret would do to her.
“You know what’s funny, I realize there are absolutely no guarantees in life, but I’m not afraid anymore. What Keith said made me reexamine so many things in my past, in my life.”
“Thank God for meddling brothers. Speaking of…have you talked to Keith since the other night?”
“No. But, I intend to call him as soon as I get home.”
“He loves you very much, Erica. He’s hungry to be a part of your life, of Hannah’s life.”
“I know, and I intend to make changes that will make everyone happy. I’ve also decided to get a job outside the home.”
Caleb shot her a surprised glance. “When did you decide that?”
She grinned. “About two seconds ago. Actually, when I realized it was right for Hannah to go to school in September, I realized that meant I could apply for a job at the paper where Sherry works.”
“I think that’s fantastic,” Caleb said enthusiastically. He wanted her to be happy, and fulfilled, and he knew she’d only been doing the freelance work at home because it allowed her to be with Hannah.
He pulled into her driveway, shut off the engine, then unbuckled his seat belt and turned to face her. “It’s amazing what six little butterfly stitches can accomplish, isn’t it?”
She laughed, her eyes the color of joy. “The stitches were only the beginning. It took Keith’s anger and four days of long, hard thought. In retrospect, the stitches were the easy part.”
“Hannah might disagree with that assessment,” Caleb replied. “Want me to carry her in?”
“If you don’t mind.”
It took them only minutes to get Hannah settled in bed, the ridiculous-looking stuffed frog tucked in beside her. “Good night, munchkin,” Caleb said as he gently kissed her forehead.
“’Night Mr. Man,” she replied, half-asleep. “I love carnivals and I love you.”
The words sang through Caleb’s soul, finding every dark space that had ever existed and filling him with light. “I love you, too, munchkin,” he replied softly.
And he did. He loved Hannah for all the things she was and all the things she was not. He loved her strength of spirit, her tomboy ways, her brown hair and brown eyes. He loved her for the distinctive person she was, loved her in spite of the fact that he saw nothing of his own child in her.
Together he and Erica left Hannah’s bedroom and went into her living room. “I’d better head
home,” he said, walking toward the front door.
“You don’t have to hurry off. In fact…you could stay the night…if you want.” The invitation shone in her eyes, the promise of desire sated, passion spent. However, he knew the invitation meant far more than a simple desire for lovemaking.
The two previous occasions when they had spent intimate time together they’d been alone. Hannah hadn’t been in the house, sleeping in her bedroom.
By offering the invitation now, Erica was inviting him not only in her bedroom, but also into her life and her daughter’s life. She was allowing the last barrier to drop between them.
The temptation to stay was enormous. Caleb could easily imagine awakening in the morning with Erica in his arms. It was also easy to visualize Hannah’s surprise and delight when she discovered her “Mr. Man” had spent the night.
As much as Caleb wanted to take her up on her offer, he couldn’t. It hadn’t been that many hours ago that he had promised himself no more making love to Erica until he told her the truth.
There was nothing he’d have liked more than to blurt it all out immediately, finally get it over with and face the consequences now. But, it didn’t seem fair to destroy the happiness she’d claimed for herself today. Tomorrow. Tomorrow he’d tell her.
He walked over to where she stood and drew a finger down the side of her face. “There’s nothing I’d rather do than stay with you…but I can’t. At least not tonight. I’ve got some things I need to take care of,” he improvised. “And you mentioned that you wanted to talk to Keith.”
He leaned down and captured her lips with his, putting all his love, all his emotion into the kiss. “Another night,” he whispered as he released her.
She smiled and nodded. “Maybe tomorrow night. And that reminds me…tomorrow evening about five, I’m planning a little something special. Could you come over then?”
He shrugged. “Sure. Can you be more specific?” he asked curiously.
“It’s a secret.” Her eyes danced merrily. “And you know what they say about secrets…if they’re shared, then they aren’t secrets anymore.”
“Okay. Five o’clock tomorrow. I’ll be here.” To gether they stepped out on the front porch and shared a final, lingering kiss.
Tomorrow night, after her “something special” and after Hannah was in bed, he’d tell her everything, he vowed as he stepped off her front porch.
“Good night, Caleb,” she called after him.
He turned and looked at her for a long moment, wanting to hold forever in his mind, in his heart, the picture of her with love shining from her eyes and happiness glowing on her face.
“Erica, whatever the future brings, I want you to always remember I love you.” He didn’t wait for her reply, but turned and hurried to his car.
As he started the car and moved it into his own driveway, he wondered if when he told her about his connection with Hannah she’d remember the words he’d just spoken and cling to the love that had blossomed between them. Or would she cut him out of their lives forever, effectively destroying any hope for happiness they might have had?
Chapter 12
He loves me. Caleb’s words rang joyously through Erica’s heart. She’d felt his love, had seen it shining from his eyes, but nothing compared to actually hearing the words from his lips.
She rode a cloud of happiness back into her house and sank down on the sofa, allowing the exhilaration of Caleb’s love to wash over her, through her.
He loved her, and he loved Hannah, and she couldn’t imagine how things could get any better, how her future could look any brighter.
Thank goodness Keith had knocked her upside the head with his words. Thank goodness he’d made her reexamine what she’d been doing, how she’d been handling her life and Hannah’s. If he hadn’t, then Caleb’s declaration of love would have scared her away.
For the first time in years, she felt as if everything in her life was falling into place, coming together in positive terms. For the first time in years, she wasn’t dreading what tomorrow might bring.
Hannah was healthy and it was time mother and daughter each took wing just a little bit and explored what they could become both together and separately.
And the very next time she saw Caleb, which would probably be first thing in the morning, she intended to tell him she loved him. She shivered with pleasure. Strange to think that two months ago she wanted nothing to do with him, and now she couldn’t imagine doing without him.
She reached over and picked up the phone. The first person she intended to call was Sherry, to find out if the job at the newspaper was still available. The second person she wanted to call was Keith.
She’d been unconsciously punishing him for years because he’d left home soon after their father had gone. She’d viewed his leaving with a child’s perception and had been caught in deep feelings of abandonment. She’d done a lot of growing in the past four days, and it felt wonderful.
An hour later she hung up the phone after talking to her brother. Peace eddied through her. A lot of healing had occurred in the last forty-five minutes with him. They had talked about their father’s abandonment, how differently it had affected each of them. For Keith, he hadn’t been able to wait to get out on his own and become the father his own hadn’t been. Although Keith had been eighteen when their dad had left, his memories of the time when his dad had still been in the home weren’t pleasant.
In talking through all of it with him, Erica had realized she, too, had unpleasant memories of the cold, distant man she’d desperately wanted to love her. The end result was a fear of being hurt by all men, including the one she had married.
Poor Chuck. He’d never really had much of a chance with her. She’d been too young, too afraid to truly give her heart. It had been far easier for her to devote herself to Hannah and the health problems. Although she wasn’t willing to accept all the blame for the marriage that had ended. Chuck hadn’t really wanted to stay. Hannah’s health problems had scared the hell out of him.
As she got into bed, she was at peace. It frightened her just a little…how wonderful life suddenly felt. When she drifted off to sleep, it was to sweet dreams of Caleb and love and happily-ever-after.
She awakened late the next morning, surprised to find Hannah still in bed and sleeping soundly. The excitement of the carnival the previous day had obviously worn them both out.
Dressed for the day, she padded into the kitchen and made a pot of coffee. When it was ready, she carried a cup out the back door and sank down at the picnic table, her gaze going across the expanse of the yard to Caleb’s house.
Was he still sleeping? Out running errands? Perhaps conducting his business by phone or by fax? What had kept him from spending the night last night?
She smiled, recognizing she sounded like a woman in love. Sipping her coffee, she hoped he looked out his window and saw her sitting here. She’d made a full pot, anticipating him joining her. She was eager to see him, eager to say those three magical words to him.
I love you. She closed her eyes as sheer pleasure traveled through her. It had been a very long time since she’d said those words to anyone other than Hannah. She couldn’t wait to say them to Caleb.
She was on her second cup of coffee when Hannah wandered outside. Still clad in her pajamas and rubbing her eyes sleepily, she crawled up on Erica’s lap.
“You’re getting so big,” Erica said softly, enjoying the pleasure of holding the little girl who was growing way too fast.
“I’m big enough for lots of things now, aren’t I, Mommy?”
“Yes, you are,” Erica replied. “You’re even big enough to go to real school when it starts in September.”
Hannah sat up and stared at her mom, her eyes wide. “For real? I can ride the school bus and have a backpack and everything?”
Erica laughed. “Yes. You can ride the school bus and maybe today while we’re out running errands we can get you some supplies and a backpack.”
&nbs
p; “Oh goody!” Hannah clapped her hands together with excitement. “Tell me what else. Tell me more about school.”
“Well, you’ll get to learn all kinds of new things, wonderful things, and I’ll be your room mother.”
Hannah frowned. “What’s a room mother?”
“I’ll come to school sometimes on special occasions and bring cupcakes and cookies and we’ll have a little party with all your friends.”
“Can Mr. Man be a room dad?”
“I don’t think Mr. Man bakes cupcakes,” Erica said, fighting a smile of pleasure at the very thought.
“No, but he could build everybody a tree house.” Hannah looked inordinately pleased at the idea.
Erica laughed. “You’ll have to talk to Mr. Man about that.”
Hannah nodded. “When can we leave to go get my supplies?”
“As soon as you get dressed.” Before the words were completely out of her mouth, Hannah hopped off her lap and scurried into the house to get dressed for the day.
Once again Erica’s gaze went to Caleb’s place. There were no movements at any of the windows, no evidence that he was even home. Maybe he’d had early morning errands, or a business problem that required his attention.
She smiled as she thought of Hannah’s plans for Caleb as a room daddy. A tree house for every student—only Hannah would come up with such an idea.
Erica finished the last of her coffee, then reluctantly went back into the house. Surely if Caleb was home and available for coffee, he would have come over by now.
“Mommy, I’m ready.” Hannah raced into the kitchen, Peaches at her heels. “Let’s go get some school stuff.”
“Okay.” Erica grabbed her keys and a few moments later they were off.
The day flew by far too fast. Erica had no idea buying a backpack would be such a big deal, but it turned out to be a major mission.
Hannah had definite ideas about exactly what she wanted, the color…the material…how many pockets and zippers. It took four stores before they found the one that Hannah proclaimed perfect.
They bought notebook paper, crayons, pencils and glue. When they had finished with the supplies, Erica decided to buy Hannah a new outfit for the first day of school. One outfit grew to four. Although it was still a little over a month away before the school year would begin, she knew that if she got the job at the paper, time would pass far too fast.
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