by Jeri Odell
Panic shot through Kendall. What if it’s Brady? She couldn’t bear seeing him again—not this soon. She held her breath. Did she dare invite the person in?
Logic won. “Come in.” She pulled her covers all the way up to her chin.
The door opened, revealing Mrs. Cooper and Delanie. She hoped they hadn’t come to try to change her mind.
“Kendall, we’re so sorry to wake you.” Delanie stopped just inside her room. “We’ll come back later.” They both turned to leave.
“No, it’s fine. Tom will be here looking for me soon anyway.” Kendall sat up, pushing her hair out of her face. “What did you need?”
Both approached the bed. “Brady came by last night after he left here.”
Kendall nodded, a knot of dread settling in her stomach.
“My mom and I both were concerned about you.” Delanie’s words carried empathy, not judgment.
“Even though you and Brady are finished, we are still committed to our friendship with you.” Mrs. Cooper smiled.
Kendall should have known these women would not walk out on her just because she’d ended things with Brady. “Thank you. Since I have a limited number of friends at this time in my life, your kindness means the world to me. Is Brady okay with that?”
“Of course he is,” Delanie assured her.
“He’d have it no other way, and he understands what happens with us stays between us.”
Kendall brought her knees up, resting her chin on them. “I’m so confused.”
They both nodded, sympathetic expressions on their faces.
“Late last night, actually more like the wee hours of the morning, I remembered a scene from my life. My dad was angry that I wanted to attend grad school. I tried to reason with him, but he didn’t want me to leave.”
“But you did leave,” Mrs. Cooper said. “So you two must have come to terms.”
“I guess.” Kendall sighed. “Apparently from ages twelve to twenty, my dad and I didn’t see eye-to-eye on much.”
“Those are hard years,” Delanie said.
“For children and for parents,” Mrs. Cooper reminded them both.
“From the few things I remember and the things my mother has told me, my brother was the compliant firstborn. He and my dad shared the same vision and passion. I, on the other hand, had a mind of my own, and my thoughts and my father’s were rarely, if ever, aligned.”
“Wait.” Delanie pulled the chair closer. Mrs. Cooper sat down, and Delanie perched on the arm. Both leaned toward Kendall.
“My mother said I had some rebellious college years. I’m not sure exactly what that means, but honestly it scares me a little. I don’t know what I did or why.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Mrs. Cooper said. “It’s the past. You and God have started over. Clean slate. Free. Do you know how many Christians wish they could forget their pasts?”
“Of course you’re right. My brother died during my junior year of college, and I guess at that point in time, I took on his persona, adopted his passions, and even accepted his best friend as my fiancé.”
Delanie pursed her lips. “Sounds like you were trying to replace him so the loss wouldn’t be so hard on everyone else.”
“I guess. My mom thinks I somehow blamed myself for his death because I’d strayed from the Lord.”
“I think it’s easy for prodigals to view God as a harsh judge in the sky with relentless rules just waiting to zap them. In truth, He’s a grieving Father just waiting for His wayward one to return.”
Mrs. Cooper’s analogy warmed Kendall’s heart.
“But the truth is,” Delanie said, picking up where her mother left off, “bad things often do happen while we’re out living life our way. When we leave the protection of God’s commands, we open the door for hard consequences to fall on us.”
“His rules are to guide us into the safest and best life.” Mrs. Cooper hesitated then smiled. “Sorry, we got a bit preachy.”
“No. I needed the reminder. I spent the entire night feeling guilty about college years I can’t remember.” Kendall shook her head. “I guess after I’d made the verbal commitments to pick up where my brother left off, I realized I couldn’t do it, so I started running. Apparently Javier and I have been engaged nearly six years, and I’ve spent the whole time finding one more thing to accomplish before I could actually settle in Mexico and start the life I’d promised everyone.”
“Kendall, don’t beat yourself up.” Mrs. Cooper rose and walked to her bedside. “You were a young woman with good intentions and a good heart.”
“And zero wisdom.” Kendall chuckled. “Now I have to undo this whole big mess I’ve made.” Her chin quivered. “And hurt and disappoint too many people.”
Fourteen
Kendall lunched alone on the patio, waiting for her parents’ arrival. She’d requested to be excused from the dining room, needing some time to pray after PT and before her inevitable meetings with Javier and her mother and father. Being “real” was costly. She was grateful for her past weeks with the Lord and the transforming work He’d begun. She had a feeling the new and improved Kendall might not have liked the old one much. Maybe it was a blessing she’d forgotten her.
Mrs. Cooper arrived first. “You ready?”
“Other than the huge knot in my stomach, I’m fine.” Kendall smiled and pushed her barely touched plate of food away. “Thanks again for the visit you and Delanie made this morning. You always manage to keep me grounded.”
“If I do, it’s only the Lord in me.” She settled on the bench next to Kendall’s at the round table, the umbrella shading them from the noon sun.
Her parents and Javier came through the doors from the hallway out to the patio. The greetings were kind but a tad stilted.
“We didn’t expect to see you this afternoon, Mrs. Cooper.” Her dad smiled as he said the words, but they still sounded disapproving.
“Actually, Dad, I asked her to be here. Moral support.” Kendall ended on a nervous laugh.
“You need moral support to speak with your family?” Her dad’s eyes reflected his hurt.
Her mother laid a hand on his arm. “I know what she means. Yes, we’re her family, but we are also total strangers. That’s hard to keep in mind, dear,” she said to Kendall, “because, of course, we know you so well.”
They settled at the table, as well. Javier chose the bench to Kendall’s right, and her parents sat across from her.
Kendall cleared her throat. “I asked you all here to explain my position on returning to Mexico and to clear the air, which may be jumbled since I’m not sure I know all the air that needs to be cleared.” Kendall smiled, but no one else seemed to get the joke.
“Anyway, after talking to each of you and asking tons of questions, I’ve made a few discoveries about myself. Some I’m not too fond of.”
Kendall looked into each of their faces, faces she should know and love. “Here are the things I do know. I’m not the same person as when you last saw me.”
“But you’re our daughter—no matter what.” Her mom smiled, but her eyes were sad.
“And you’re my family, no matter what. The good news is that I love the Lord. I want what He wants for my life. I just don’t know yet what that is, but what I do know is that I can’t pretend anymore.”
Kendall stopped and took a deep breath. “I don’t remember my rebellious years, as Mom called them. I have no idea what I did, said, or how I lived.”
Kendall felt grieved by the facts she didn’t know. She’d hurt her parents, God, and probably herself in the process. “For that, I give each of you a deep, heartfelt apology. I’ve already been on my face before God, and He’s assured me I’m forgiven—even though I have no idea what I’m forgiven for.” Kendall wiped the dampness from her cheeks. “How’s that for irony?”
They all smiled at her, but they were smiles filled with regret, sorrow, and pain.
“I can’t change the past, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my
days filled with regret.” She glanced to her left at Mrs. Cooper. “A wise woman told me that every day is a new day with God, so here’s to new days and new beginnings. Fresh starts are underrated. We can’t go back because I can’t remember what’s behind me. I’d like you each to forgive me for the past and start anew with me.”
Her mother took a Kleenex from her purse and dabbed below her eyes. “Certainly we forgive you. We already had. Those years were a long time ago.”
Her dad and Javier nodded their agreement.
She smiled at each of them. “Thank you, and now I have to ask you to forgive me for compounding my mistakes. You see, I think the guilt I experienced when Patrick died catapulted me into probably the dumbest idea I may have ever had. Most of this is conjecture based on information I gathered from each of you and a couple of snippets of memory.”
Mrs. Cooper gave Kendall an encouraging smile.
“I somehow convinced myself that I could make up for all my sin by living Patrick’s life instead of my own.”
Javier and her parents all appeared confused. “What are you saying?” Her dad’s brows drew together.
“You all loved Patrick so much, and though I can’t remember him at all, I know from the inflection of your voices and the looks on your faces when you speak of him that he was really special. Each of you were deeply hurt by his death, so I believe my life mission became to replace him the best way I could. I laid my life and my dreams aside and adopted his passions and relationships as my own.” Kendall’s gaze settled on Javier. “I’m sorry.”
She took a deep breath. “I think you all not only wanted his legacy to continue but wanted my life to change, so it was easy to embrace this new me. It was comfortable to overlook what I was trying to do.”
Her gaze shifted to her mother. She nodded.
Kendall sniffed, dabbing her nose with the Kleenex Mrs. Cooper provided. “I take all the blame and responsibility for this stupid, stupid idea. As Javier pointed out to me yesterday, I’ve spent the last six years running from the monster I’d created. I didn’t want to be Patrick. I couldn’t be Patrick, so I found one excuse after another to postpone stepping into his shoes.”
Every eye focused on Kendall—their gazes intense.
“I am so sorry for living a lie and for giving each of you false hope. God has used this accident as a wake-up call. I didn’t even realize that in the beginning, but I see it clearly now.”
Kendall closed her eyes a moment. God, please help them to understand. She raised her gaze to the crisp blue sky and drew in fresh air. “I’m not returning to Mexico.”
She looked into each pair of eyes. Javier’s were sad yet understanding. Her dad’s were hard to read. Her mom’s were teary and yet telegraphed her blessing. Mrs. Cooper’s gaze was reassuring.
“I’m starting from scratch. A new life in Christ with a new person—me—who I don’t really know.”
“What will you do?” Concern furrowed her mother’s brow.
“I’ll stay here in Reno until I’m done with all my therapy. My apartment is paid for until summer—so I heard, anyway. I’m just going to take life one day at a time. God has me in some intense spiritual therapy, too, so hopefully one day in the not-too-distant future I’ll be able to walk without a walker and follow whatever path God lays out before me.”
Her dad’s face had grown softer, and his eyes now shone with excess moisture.
“Early on, I struggled with feeling sorry for myself because I had no past and no people. Now I see myself on the edge of an exciting adventure.” Kendall smiled at her God-directed self-discovery. “How many individuals get the chance to start over? My past is gone, literally, and I know after spending hours a day in God’s Word, the future He has planned for me is so much more than I can even imagine.”
Kendall’s mom put her hand over her mouth and sobbed.
Using her walker, Kendall hobbled around to her. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Her mom shook her head. “I’m not upset. I’m rejoicing. I’ve prayed those very words over your life since you were ten years old.”
Mrs. Cooper rose to hug them both. She, too, was crying. “And God has answered the cry of a mother’s heart.”
Kendall’s dad joined the huddle. His face was damp. “Another example of Romans 8:28 bearing fruit.”
Kendall agreed. “God has used this in my life for good, even though most people would think it was horrible.”
Kendall noticed Javier hadn’t moved. He still sat in his spot at the table, head down, arms folded in front of him. Maybe the language barrier had prevented him from fully understanding what had just transpired. Or maybe he understood all too well.
Mrs. Cooper passed out more tissues to everyone, and though there were tears, the feelings in the air were ones of joy and celebration—for everyone except Javier.
“Will you give us a few minutes?” Kendall asked the huddled, hugging group in a quiet voice. The three of them nodded, grabbing their belongings and quietly retreating into the rehab center.
Kendall sat with her back to the table on the bench next to Javier. He hadn’t seemed to notice that everyone had left but held the same pose as before, deep in thought.
Kendall laid her hand on Javier’s arm. “I’m sorry I hurt you.”
He looked up, and in his eyes she saw years of pain and rejection. “We will never marry?” Though a statement, he ended it with a question mark.
She shook her head, hating how the old Kendall had shredded his heart.
“I’ve loved you since you were six and I was eight.”
Kendall’s chin quivered, and tears returned afresh. She closed her eyes, wanting to block out the sight of the immense pain she’d caused this man.
“Javier, I do love you, but not in the way of a man and his maiden.” She thought back to the romantic love she’d read about in the Song of Solomon, the romantic love she’d tasted with Brady. “I love you as a sister would a brother. You are dear to my heart, and I’ll always consider you family.”
He nodded, but she could see her words did little to console his bleeding heart.
Unashamedly, she let the tears roll down her cheeks, not trying to hide them or wipe them away. “I was so wrong to mislead you, and I hate that I did that. I wish I could take the pain I’ve caused you upon myself. You didn’t deserve to be hurt. All I can do is ask for your forgiveness. Is that possible? Can you please forgive me?”
He raised his gaze to meet hers. Tears streamed down his face, too. All the love he’d stored in his heart for her, for all those years, was in his eyes for her to see. “Through Christ I will forgive. I will heal.”
“Thank you.” Her words were merely a choked whisper. He’d offered her the gift of forgiveness, but she knew forgiving herself would be much harder.
Her father’s words, “Let your yes be yes,” echoed through her mind, and guilt fell on her like a heavy rain. Even though she’d agreed with Javier that they would never marry, maybe she needed to stand by the promise she’d made. Maybe she needed to let her yes be yes.
Her heart pounded. “Javier, I made you a promise. I will honor that promise if you want me to.” With God’s help she’d be a good wife to him. Maybe she wouldn’t love him, but she’d serve the Lord beside him.
Shock and surprise registered on his face. “You’d do that? You’d marry me without love, just to honor your word?”
“I’d do it to honor the Lord.”
He wrapped her in a hug, and she hoped she didn’t regret her impulsive agreement. God, if this is what You want for me, I will accept it.
Javier kissed her cheek. “A part of me will always love you, but your heart does not belong to me. You have given it to another. I will not take what is not mine.”
Kendall breathed a sigh of relief. “I’m sorry.”
“I knew. Deep inside I knew. Pray that God will bring me a woman who does not hide from my touch. A woman who will give me her whole heart.”
“And all
those are things you deserve.” Ashamed, she wondered how she could have strung him along for so many years. He was such a nice guy—a good guy.
Javier rose. “May the Lord bless you and keep you, Kendall.” He kissed the top of her head and went inside the rehab center.
She stayed behind and wept before God.
❧
“How you doing, son?” Brady’s dad asked the evening after Kendall had ended their relationship. They’d both just arrived at Peg’s Glorified Ham & Eggs to share a meal. Brady needed to talk.
He followed his dad to a table. Once seated, he responded, “I think I’m mad at God.” Brady watched his dad’s reaction closely, feeling guilty for even saying the thought aloud.
His dad didn’t appear appalled or even surprised by Brady’s declaration. “Been there a time or two myself.”
“And?” Brady felt relieved to know he wasn’t the only Christian on the planet to be mad at God.
His dad shrugged. “You work through it. God is God. He’s not afraid of your anger or your questions. Don’t be afraid of them, either. And certainly don’t be afraid to tell Him. So what are you angry about?”
“I don’t get the whole Kendall thing.” Brady stared off across the restaurant, but in his mind’s eye he saw Kendall, remembered her laugh, and missed her all the more.
The waitress approached the table, order pad in tow.
His dad laid down his menu and asked for the same omelet he always ordered when they ate there. Brady wondered why his dad even bothered with the menu. Brady placed his order, and the waitress left to get their drinks.
“Tell me what’s on your mind,” his dad encouraged.
“A lot, but to start with, why was I the paramedic on duty that night if it was all for nothing? Why did I even meet Kendall? God knew what was going to happen. Is He just trying to torture me? I trusted Him. I committed to wait for His woman in His time. Why did I bother?” He shook his head. “I’ve waited for God to bring Ms. Right, but He never does. Why?” He beseeched his dad’s wisdom, hoping for answers.