by Bellus, HJ
“I don’t know if I should hate you or what, but there’s one thing I’ll never be able to do, and that’s walk away from you, Ella. I’m here for you.”
“I don’t deserve this,” I say around a mouth full of pancakes.
“No, you don’t. Look at me, Ella.”
I turn to see Maverik, and his kind and caring look is back on his face. “You deserve so much more. A life here with me.”
7
Maverik
Seeing Ella in this state is grueling. She was free spirited, fun loving, and majorly outgoing back in the day. Even when tragedy or hard times hit, she was the one to be there for everyone, picking up the pieces with a chipper smile.
Now, she sits in front of me with trembling fingers, swollen eyes, and the worry of the world on her shoulders. She’s looked over the different caskets for a good twenty minutes, yet refuses to choose one of them. Darrell has been more than patient with her, and I’ve offered up several suggestions, but she won’t bite on anything.
The chatter in the diner this morning was nearly enough to make me Hulk out on everyone. Ella’s the talk of the town and doesn’t even know it. She definitely doesn’t have a welcoming committee. It’s more like an angry mob with pitchforks going on about how heartless she is and how dare she come back after never being there for her mother.
I knew Ella better than anyone else and saw firsthand the relationship she and her mother had. It wasn’t pretty, but it also wasn’t so horrendous for Ella to run like that. The city lights have always had Ella’s heart, and she lived out her dream. I guess you can’t fault her for that.
“Just go with this. I don’t even care.” Ella slams down the catalogue face up with a large dark casket covering the two pages.
“Are you sure?”
She only nods and fumbles with her fingers. I can see the silent frustration growing inside and know she’s about to blow. I reach over and grab her fingers, lacing mine with hers. It’s so bittersweet but something I want to hold on to forever. She’s like poison to my system that I can’t ever get enough of no matter how much pain she causes.
“Okay, well this is a big decision and I understand if you’d like to think on it overnight.”
“No.”
“Okay, final question. Your mother’s best friend brought in an outfit and jewelry your mother requested to be buried in. Are you okay with that?”
She nods again and grips my hand tighter. I grip right back, trying to reassure her it’s almost over.
“Are you interested in helping dress your mother or fix her hair?”
Ella’s whole body begins to tremble as if she’s about to have a seizure. I pull her fragile body up from the chair, tugging her into me and holding on as tight as possible. It does nothing to slow down her shaking and beyond exhausted body.
“We are done here. Anything else you need, get hold of me, Darrell.” I spin around and lift her in my arms and feel her wracking sobs again.
“Maverik.”
“Yeah, Pinks.” I look down at her half hidden face.
“I never want to see my mother again.”
I pause on the top step of the funeral home. “What happened, Ella?”
“She ruined me.”
“You ran from something, didn’t you?” Everything hits me like a ton of bricks. “You didn’t run for the city life. You ran from something.”
“I fucking hate myself.” Her words are barely audible between her sobs.
“Maverik.” I look up to see Pastor Leeman walk past me. He pauses, briefly taking in the scene before him.
“Pastor.” I nod.
“Everything okay?”
Ella’s been on display enough for one day, so I decided to brush past him and get her somewhere to rest.
“Just fine. Have a good day.”
Ella remains frozen in my arms as I walk to the truck. When I reached my truck, her sobs immediately still as does her rapid breathing. Opening the passenger door, I gently set her down on the seat and try to step back, but her fingers cling to the collar of my shirt.
“Ella.” I wave my hand in front of her face until she focuses in on me.
“Thank you,” are the only two words that come from her mouth.
I know it’s shock and reality hitting her way too hard at once. Part of me is livid with her and what’s she done, while a small part is mystified by her actions and reactions to everything, but the largest part is I have fallen totally and completely back in love with her.
“I’m staying at the local motel,” she offers as I climb back in the truck.
“You’re coming home with me. You’re not staying alone.”
I’m actually fucking shocked when she doesn’t argue or even put up the slightest fight. Right now, Ella needs to be comforted, and she needs to rest. She may not admit it, but she’s grieving the loss of her mother. Her ice princess act can only stand up so long before she explodes.
“I’m scared, Maverik.”
Ella’s weepy eyes stare down the funeral home.
“Of?”
C’mon, Ella, break, break down and tell me everything.
“Everything.”
She begins shaking again. I grab the back of her head, tuck her into my chest, and let her cry. I feel her arms wrap around my waist and pull in even closer to me. I give her time and just let her break down and let out whatever she needs to. After several minutes, my phone goes off. It’s Marvel’s ringtone. With one hand, I keep her pressed to my chest and answer the phone with my free hand.
“Hello.”
“Mav, they’re releasing Granddad.”
“Really? Thought they’d keep him in for a few more days for observation.”
“Nope, he insists on going home and has already signed the papers.”
“Stubborn old ass. Doctors okay with that?”
“His primary doctor seems to be. They have all of his meds regulated. Challis is going to stay with him for the first couple nights.”
I chuckle out loud, imagining Merek’s displeasure with that fact.
“Okay, I’ll be home in a few.”
“Also, Challis and Merek have planned a reception.”
“A what?”
“Granddad went on giving them a guilt trip, so now they’re throwing a reception at the pond in a few days.”
“Shocker, the two stubborn assholes doing what they want.”
“Yeah.”
Marvel’s laughter fills my ear.
“Be home in a bit. I have Ella with me, and she’ll be staying with me for a few days.”
“What?”
Marvel’s voice loses all joking tones as he practically springs into a full seizure on the other end.
“See you in a bit, little bro.” I hang up before he has a chance to ask another question or protest.
“I’m going home with you?” Ella’s big blue and very watery eyes lock with mine.
“I’m taking you home where you belong.” I press my finger to her sweet lips. “Don’t even start crying again, I need at least ten more beers to handle this shit storm.”
I watch as Ella sucks back all of her emotions; her lower lip quivers when she tries to be brave. And it’s like yesterday when I’d seen her hurt and nursed her wounds. Everything about this moment confuses me and demolishes every part of me in the same action. I want Ella forever and know for a fact I only have her for a short time. Do I fight her or give in to her? All I’ve ever known is giving in and being sucked into the passion and numbing embrace of Ella James. She owns me.
8
Ella
The light hurts my eyes, and it’s easy to shut them and find the solace and peace once again. A deep soothing voice coaxes me to do it. It’s the same voice that won over my heart, played my hormones, and tattooed his person on my soul. And the person I wrecked when I fled.
I clench my eyes shut again and struggle to find the boy and girl who were recklessly in love.
“Mav.”
“Pinks,
I just won state.”
“That doesn’t mean I’m going to just hop on and ride my own eight seconds.”
“Afraid you can’t hold on?” His brown devilish eyes tantalize my insides. He’s the same boy who rescued me on the playground and knocked out P.J. Longwell when he ridiculed me about my facial hair. It was the day when all the gods of the universe shone down on me and the only thing I saw staring back at me was Maverik Slatter in all of his glory.
“Actually, I think it’s you, you big bad cowboy, who’s afraid he can’t catch this hot chick in her mini-skirt and high heels in the bed of his truck.” I drag my candy apple red nails up the length of my very short mini-skirt, taunting him the whole time.
The thing about Maverik, and I’ve known this since we met in kindergarten—it doesn’t take much in order for him to defend me. From colored pencils to the lunchroom and the follies of junior high, he’s always been there.
After my fingers run up my skirt and my six-inch heels sink into the sandy dirt, I feel a calloused hand fumble its way up my thigh. Roars of the crowd, whinnying horses, and other cowboys fill the background, but I’m only focused on one of them, and it’s Mav, my boyfriend.
We suck, lick, and fondle each other until we were both blue in the face. He was just named the number one bareback rider in the state, and it’s only his freshman year of high school—that’s something to celebrate.
The delicious sound of his zipper being undone fills the night air, and I smile back on his lips when I realize it’s my fingers causing that noise.
“I’m thinking the number one cowboy in the state of Texas should claim me right now.”
“You want country, my little town girl?”
“I want you, Maverik, and all of you.”
“You ready for me, Pinks?”
“What the hell is with Pinks, Mav?”
“You light up my life, Ella.”
“Even though I’m not country and wearing that silly hat like yours?”
“You’re mine, always fancied up in pink and glittery shit. All mine, Ella James.”
His lips seal on mine, and I feel every inch of me melt into him until I can’t distinguish where I start and he ends. Maverik Slatter has been my saving grace, best friend and ally for years, and it’s not until this moment that I realize he’s all mine and always has been. Neither of us ever had a choice in the matter.
Pitch black sets in and the same hellish nightmare takes over fading Maverik out. The demons and goblins slowly creep and take total control of every single one of my thoughts. My feet hit the pavement trying and fighting like hell to escape them, but the funny thing is, every single time I fight or try to make things right, the dark becomes darker and the monsters become stronger, leeching on my soul.
“Ella.” My shoulders tremble harder, and I’m not sure if I’m in California or somewhere on the East Coast.
“Dammit, open your eyes.”
The voice is familiar and very soothing, making me relax even though my nightmare is at its climax with my blood on the line.
“Ella.” The voice is louder and more panicked this time.
And that’s when reality hits me again and I sit straight up in bed and feel the weight of the world compress on my chest. Familiar golden brown eyes stare back at me, causing all the guilt to wash back in.
He loved me and he was the only person I have ever loved, but I ran because of selfish reasons.
“Ella.”
I manage to nod back in his direction, hoping to curb some of the worry covering his face.
“You were moaning and screaming in your sleep. What’s going on?”
His lips near mine as I scramble for the words to respond. They never come, but his sweet inviting lips touch down on mine, and I moan out loud and nearly cry from the incredible sensation.
My arms automatically wrap around the back of his neck and I tug him down onto the bed. Maverik topples down easily on top of me, resting his weight on his elbows. Panic sets in as I know all too well he’s going to pull away at any moment.
I scramble to latch onto anything. Maverik tears at his shirt and peels it from his body. I feel him freeze under my touch as I run my palms up and down his bare skin.
“Ella.” He pulls back, talking into my lips. “We shouldn’t be doing this.”
“Make the pain go away, Maverik. I need you right now.”
“Ella.” He rises up a bit and wipes away the hair stuck to my face. “It’s only going to make everything worse for the both of us.”
“Please.” Fucking tears pool in my eyes and begin leaking over as I beg him to help me. “I know I don’t deserve this or even your kindness, but Mav, I feel like I’m dying a slow death.”
“You’re going to kill me, Ella.”
His phone goes off in the distance before I have a chance to say anything back, but, really, what would I say? You’re right, but please feed my selfish desire?
“I’ll be right back. It might be about Granddad.”
“Go take it.”
And I was right. As soon as he leaves me I feel empty, hollow, and worse than ever. This is the absolute worst thing that could’ve ever happened. It’s poisonous to both of us and will damage us in the long run. The door to his bathroom is open and it holds so many memories.
His house used to be a bunkhouse for cowboys and we’d always sneak in here to fool around with each other. I decide on a cold shower to wake my ass up and cool down my feelings resurfacing for Maverik.
I hear his voice out in the living room and whoever called him isn’t delivering very good news. His voice gets louder and louder and I jump a bit as I hear his fist slam into sheetrock. The temper side of Mav doesn’t come out to play very often, typically only when someone is messing with his horses or his family. And actually me back in the day, but who knows what makes him tick now.
I turn on the water, drowning out his voice and relax a bit when I spot no girly objects in the bathroom. I even peek in the medicine cabinet and only see manly items staring back at me. No sign of lady friends, and I know it’s absolutely none of my business, but it makes me extremely happy.
I climb in the shower and let the cold water punish me, and after a couple of rounds of manly soap and a two-in-one shampoo, my hair is more tangled and dry feeling than before. When I turn off the water, I don’t hear Maverik’s voice anymore or his pacing. I reach for the only towel on the rack and nearly melt in a puddle in the shower when his strong scent hits me.
Pushing the towel to my nose, I take it in forever and realize this is what home should smell like.
“What is that?”
I look up to Maverik, who’s staring at me standing in his shower.
“Ella James, what in the hell is that?”
“What?” I whisper back to him.
He steps up to me and runs his finger up the length of my side along my ribcage. “This.”
The moment his finger grazes me, I know exactly what he’s talking about. I raise my arm above my head and twist in his direction, giving him full view of it. And even though I’m completely naked in front of him, his eyes are glued to one thing.
“I got it the day I left here.” I plant one hand on his shoulder. “Maverik, I didn’t want to leave. I never did.”
“It’s my name.”
“Please don’t hate me, Maverik.”
“It’s my name,” he repeats.
“I love you, Mav.”
“I can’t do this.”
I watch as he turns away from me and storms from the room. The sound of the front door slamming and his truck roaring to life fills the house. Everything about this is wrong, so very wrong. I hurry and dry off and find my clothes as fast as I can. Before I walk out his front door, I find a piece of paper and scribble out a quick note to him. Each word rips my heart out as I write it down.
Maverik,
I’m so sorry for everything. Thank you for today, but I don’t think it’s very healthy for us to be around each other.
I’ll always love you.
Pinks
When I shut his front door, I feel as if I just slammed the door shut forever on any hopes of a second chance, but then again, there was never a second chance with me.
9
Maverik
My fucking name is inked on her skin. It wasn’t just my name, but the size of it and the font that got me. I had no idea she was showering when I barged into the bathroom. The first glimpse of her naked in my shower, tearing up, was quite the surprise, but then my gaze fell on her fucking tattoo covering her complete ribcage.
I had to leave the bathroom before I shook her like a fucking ragdoll. Frustration doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings with her. She wants me and loves me but fucking left me for years. It’s the same girl who didn’t even come home when her momma was dying. For fuck’s sake, she couldn’t even pick out a damn casket for the woman who birthed and raised her.
I slam my truck into park at the bar and don’t even think twice before going in. Typically when I’m in a mood like this I drink at home, but I had to run from home tonight. I have three shots down before my racing mind even calms a bit. The bar is hopping with lots of excitement, loud music, and plenty of eye candy.
“You better slow down, Maverik. The night is young and lots of ladies are staring in your direction.”
“Three more damn rounds fucking now.” My words are already slurring, and it’s the best feeling. I need to be numb and have every fucking single one of my emotions ripped from body.
I should’ve fucked her in my bed instead of answering that damn phone call. Instead, I answered a call from the county jail. It was my dad asking for bail money. Guess he landed his ass there, somehow.
I slam the next three shots and grab two beers, one for each hand before I sit down at a table in the corner. Maybe I need to fuck Ella out of my system. I know kissing and rubbing on her has done nothing but fucking damage me, so maybe I need to fuck her right out of my system.