by Laura Lond
My Sparkling Misfortune
Laura Lond
Book 1 of The Lakeland Knight series
Copyright 2011 Laura Lond, Second Edition
Cover art and illustrations by Alla Alekseyeva
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in any retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise—without the prior written permission of the author.
Praise for My Sparkling Misfortune:
“An incredibly fun and funny story.” -- Tea and Tomes
“Interesting characters and unique twists in the traditional hero/villain stereotypes made for an entertaining reading experience.” -- Dark Wyrm Reads
“One of the reasons the book is so enjoyable is because you never quite know where the plot is going. You are continually surprised.” -- The Literary Lioness
“What a nasty, dreadful, and cruel villain Arkus is. Oh, and don’t forget funny. Yes, I said funny! With author Laura Lond’s crisp, wry sense of humor, you’ll be laughing right along with the scoundrel on almost every page.” -- The Feathered Quill
“The author manages to pack in an epic’s worth of action, adventure, and humor. … It is one of those rare, great stories when you find yourself rooting wholeheartedly for the villain of the piece.” -- A Myriad of Books
Chapter 1
I was understandably surprised when Shork, my lackey, announced that I had a visitor…
Oh, wait. You know nothing about me yet, so you would not see why I was “understandably” surprised, right? Hmm… Perhaps Korvaleus was right, writing a book is not so easy as it seems, and I shouldn’t have, uh… Oh well. He’d deserved it, anyway.
All right then. I’m not going to rewrite anything, I like my opening line. I’ll just introduce myself here, it should explain things: Lord Arkus of Blackriver Castle, also known as Arkus the Fearsome and the Dreaded Lord, at your service. I spend my days scheming, plotting, attacking, invading, killing, plundering, kidnapping, collecting ransom, and having other types of fun. I’ve done a few backstabbings as well, but only returning the favor; I do have some manners.
Yes, you have guessed it: I am a villain. What? You wanted a noble hero? Well, tough. You’ve got the wrong book then. But let me tell you something before you put it down: there are no heroes without us villains. They’d have nothing to show off against. Besides, goody boys do some wicked tricks as well, as you will see if you keep reading my story, and it takes some heroism to be a villain at times, too. I suppose you already know it though, if you’re smart, which you have to be, because I’m not writing this for silly people.
So, with that out of the way, let me get back to the story. I had just finished my rather bland tasting dinner (it turned out to be a real headache to find a decent cook after old Mr. Flamm thought he could serve me chicken five nights in a row), and, as I said, I was understandably surprised when Shork announced that I had a visitor.
Nobody visits Blackriver Castle out of their own free will. And if somebody wanted to, for whatever strange reason, it is unlikely that they would safely arrive at my doorstep: Arkusville, my domain, is filled with goblins, robbers and other assorted outlaws. It’s a dreary and dangerous place. I take good care to keep it that way. Heroes occasionally still come to fight me, of course, but they don’t count as visitors, and they do not take the trouble to be properly announced.
Yet Shork was insisting that someone had come and asked to see me. And not just someone—Prince Kellemar of Dalvanna himself. Yes, the oldest son of noble King Ramian, my respectable enemy. A proud young man with a cute face, brave in battle, and of course with aspirations of becoming a hero. Preferably at my expense. He came alone, imagine that, without his bodyguards.
Naturally suspecting some kind of a set up, I told Shork to invite him in and to immediately alert my army and watchmen.
The prince entered with a defying look on his face, obviously rehearsed for villains like me. If it was supposed to make me tremble inside, let’s just say it did not work.
“You are a brave man, Your Highness,” I greeted him. “What brings you here, and what makes you think that you will make it out of here alive?”
“Arkus, you are despicably wicked,” he began.
Blatant flattery, I noted. He wants something from me.
“But even you,” he continued, “would not dare to harm me now and face the wrath of my father when he returns.”
“I have faced your father before, many times, and stood against him quite well,” I replied. “So what stops me from taking you captive and getting a nice chunk of ransom money, as I believe I have already done in the past?”
By the way, it’s true. I had captured him once, and the king paid.
Kellemar did not appreciate the reminder, of course; I could see it by how his jaws clenched. Well, I suppose I make some kind of a funny face, too, when I’m mad.
Meanwhile, Shork returned and communicated to me that everything was fine—no attackers, no spies sneaking in. Kellemar, indeed, came alone. I was getting intrigued.
“Listen, Arkus,” the prince spoke, “I have certainly thought of what evil intentions my coming here like this, unprotected, will inspire in your evil mind.” (He was trying to be eloquent, but I wouldn’t use the same word twice in a short phrase like this, even if it was such a nice word as “evil”. Wouldn’t you agree?) “But hear me out before you start plotting. I have a proposition.”
That piqued my interest even more.
“Proposition? From you to me??” I couldn’t help getting a little sarcastic here. “As in ‘deal’ or ‘agreement’? The honorable Prince Kellemar is offering me a deal, did I get that right?”
“You can mock all you want. Yes, I wish to make you an offer. Will you hear me out?”
“Of course. I will die of curiosity if I kill you now without knowing what you had in mind. Go ahead, I am listening… Oh, wait: Does your father know about this?”
The question irked him, as it was intended to.
“He does not,” Kellemar said through his teeth. “But it does not matter. When the king is away, I rule in his stead, as you very well know. Whatever I say to you carries the same weight. Satisfied?”
“Quite. Now, go ahead.”
“Several of our regions have been attacked by the Dolmanians. Are you aware of that?”
“I have heard something, yes. My condolences. They are a pesky little tribe.
“Well, we’ve been fighting them off, but I want to rid my land of them completely, once and for all. And I want your help to do it.”
I almost fell off my chair. Wouldn’t you?
“You want my what?! Kellemar, that’s insulting. What kind of a ridiculous joke is this?? Did you happen to take a drink from Black River on the way here? Because if you did, well, that would explain a lot, and— ”
“Stop fooling around! I know you will not help if there is nothing in it for you, and I know your love of gold. I can tell you where the Dolmanians store their plunder. Would that interest you?”
“Oh, I see. Well, it might, but answer me a couple of questions first. Number one: Why don’t you take the plunder yourself and give it back to your people? And number two: Why don’t you call on your numerous allies who are supposed to help you out without getting paid?”
The prince smirked.
“Valid questions. I will start with the second one, if you don’t mind. I do not wish to bother our allies with this because I want to save their help for a more serious occasion. Like you deciding to attack us again, for example.”
> “Shameless flatterer. And my first question?”
“Easy: I do not want to waste my men’s lives to capture stolen gold, only a part of which used to belong to my people. There will be no way to determine whose gold is where as people will unfortunately lie about it. And I do not wish to spoil them by dividing it all equally and sharing it.”
“Then why don’t you just take it for your treasury?” I asked with an innocent expression. I already knew why: he didn’t have enough men. His father must have taken half the army with him (which would be nice to check, by the way).
Kellemar squared his shoulders. “As hard as it must be for you to understand, I do not want their plunder. I’d rather use it to stop the raids. So you can fight the Dolmanians and take it. What do you say?”
“Well, let me think here… You want to build yourself some reputation by defeating the Dolmanians in your father’s absence, with only a half of the army…”
“Two thirds,” he quickly interjected. I had to stifle a laugh.
“Two thirds? All right, two thirds then, sorry for the assumption. Anyway, it is obviously not enough to completely destroy them, so if you manage to pull it off, you’ll be regarded a hero. And in order to do it, you offer me to take out the part of their forces that is guarding the plunder. Of course, no one will know about it. If word gets out that Lord Arkus attacked the Dolmanians, no one would think that we had an agreement about it and I was actually helping you. Evil Arkus went after the treasure, they’ll think. Am I following you?”
“Close enough. So what do you say?”
I made an innocent face again. “That’s not quite heroic though, is it?”
My pun reached its target, I could see it. Kellemar clenched his teeth, but chose not to pursue the subject.
“Let that not concern you. Do you agree to my offer or not?”
For a moment, I wondered what he would do if I refused.
“It is an interesting offer,” I said. “Shall we discuss the details of your plan over a map?”
The prince smiled. “Arkus, I am no fool. I do intend to get out of here alive. If you agree, you will receive the location of the plunder in a separate message, on the day of the battle.”
I smiled in return. Good thinking, Kellemar.
“A day before. I’ll need to verify your information and prepare.”
“Very well, a day before. Deal?”
If you think he extended his hand here, you are wrong. He wanted to strike a deal with a villain, but without dirtying himself by shaking hands on it. You tell me how noble it is.
“Deal.”
I wanted to see his reaction, so I offered my hand. He didn’t touch it.
“There is no need for that. You have my word as a prince.”
***
So I let the prince go and waited for his message, entertaining myself with thoughts of how I could have fun with the messenger. Kellemar, however, robbed me of that pleasure by sending the message attached to an arrow shot from a safe distance. His note stated that the plunder was hidden in the Skeleton Cave. I knew the place well. According to the note, the raiders had only about a hundred men guarding the treasures—a mere trifle for me and my army, especially keeping in mind that I have had some encounters with the Dolmanians in the past, and, well, let’s just say they find me a little intimidating. It looked like I was going to have an easy victory.
In case you are wondering whether I thought of attacking Kellemar after taking the plunder, of course I did. What respectable villain would disregard such an opportunity? However, I decided against it. A deal is a deal, after all, and as I have said before, I have manners. Besides, what’s the use of invading his land when it has just been raided and I’d already have all the gold?? I could wait for a better time. According to my sources, King Ramian wouldn’t be back for a while.
I studied the map and planned my route, making sure to check whether there were any white towers on the way (I will explain that later). On the day of the battle, I donned my best armor and my favorite purple cape. I am a handsome and stylish villain, by the way. No, seriously.
My men were ready for the mission and happy about it. They always salivate when they smell gold. We reached the cave unnoticed and surprised the Dolmanians. The battle was short. I took out their leader, who screamed like a maiden; the rest of them panicked and fled, making it even easier for my guys to finish the job.
I entered the cave first. There was more gold in it than I expected; the Dolmanians must have raided several settlements before hitting Dalvanna. I stepped closer to count the sacks filled with golden coins.
That’s when I heard the growl.
I recognized it immediately, nearly dropping my sword—quiet yet powerful, the chilling sound that had become my nightmare, only this time it was real. The monster had found me again. He shouldn’t—he couldn’t be there…
I spun around and saw him towering at the cave entrance… a lizard-like beast, taller than any man… with glowing red eyes… and the sharpest fangs… hideous claws… and…
All right, all right. I am terrified of him. Even writing this makes me shudder. And don’t you dare laugh: if you saw that creature, you would have fled faster than I did.
By some miracle I had made it out of that cave, my cape torn in half with the beast’s paw; that’s how close he was to completing his mission. I saw Prince Kellemar riding up, and for a split second I was stupid enough to think that he would help me. He was, after all, an aspiring hero, and heroes are supposed to do such things. Not this one: Kellemar stopped his horse and watched with a smile.
I ran for my life, heading to the nearest white tower. To my horror, I found it in ruins. That explained why the monster was able to get to me; it also meant that I had no protection from him for two more miles, until—and if—I reach the white tower in Arkusville, the closest one to my castle.
Those of you who think that running for two miles with a monster after you is a fun adventure will have to allow me to disagree. Add to it the humiliation I had endured, in front of Kellemar and in front of my men. That would be enough to move Kellemar to the first spot on my long list of enemies and start planning the most cruel and treacherous invasion ever—immediately. However, that was not the end of my troubles. When I reached the spot where the second white tower was supposed to be, I saw it destroyed as well. My home, the Blackriver Castle, was no longer safe.
At that moment, Shork showed up, on horseback. He was the only one of my men who knew about the monster and therefore knew where to look for me.
“Oh, no, the tower is gone!” he exclaimed. “And the next one—the next one is in Malgarra, that’s over sixty miles from here!”
Idiot. As if I didn’t know that.
“What took you so long?!” I yelled at him. “And why didn’t you bring my horse?!”
“I couldn’t catch it, Your Lordship. It bolted away, and I— ”
“I have no time for this! Give me yours!”
He hurried to dismount. “What will Your Lordship do?”
“Guess!” I snapped, jumping in the saddle. “Ride to Malgarra, of course!”
“But we could get to the castle first, take some supplies and another horse.”
“The beast can be here any moment, you fool!!”
“He isn’t that fast… Ouch!”
Usually, Shork was pretty good at knowing when I was going to smack him, but this time he missed it.
“Now, listen, and don’t you mess anything up, or I will have you for dinner. Go to the castle, wait for the men to return, and order them to start rebuilding the tower. Then take some money and food and find me in Malgarra. Got it?”
“Yes, Your Lordship. Castle, tower, supplies, and find you in Malgarra. Very good.”
I had no time to remark that I did not need his evaluation of whether my orders were good or not. I had to get out of there before the monster would catch up with me.
***
Well, now that you know my secret, I suppos
e it is a good time to tell you how it came about. Several years ago, I had a disagreement with a wizard named Magner. We fought, he died. The monster belonged to Magner; how he had captured and tamed such a beast, I do not know, but the creature served him faithfully, obeying his every word. When we fought, it was just Magner and me—an honest duel without magical tricks. But when I overpowered and wounded him, Magner called on the monster. His dying words were his last order to the beast.
“Kill Arkus.”
The accursed creature had been haunting me ever since.
I can’t tell you how many times the monster’s growl had startled me when I thought I had lost him, covered my tracks, or found a place he could never reach. He could dig tunnels, climb mountains and walls, swim across any river or lake; he knew how to hide and how to wait. I learned early on that swords were useless against him, his scales were too thick. Whoever I hired to guard me would quit after the first encounter with the monster—if they survived it, that is.
My life had turned into a nightmare, with that constant expectation to hear the growl, and fear that one day the beast might decide to change his ways and sneak up on me silently. I thought I was going to lose my mind.
Then, quite by accident, I had discovered that for some reason the monster could not go near white towers. Being a villain, I never appreciated those before and actually destroyed a few. Built by sentimental fools to help those in need and supposedly capable of allowing people to talk to sparklings, they were no use to me. However, it turned out that a white tower was the only thing that offered me safety.
That gave me some breathing room. I built a white tower next to my domain, and a couple more down two major roads. Of course, I could not ruin my reputation by openly building them, so each time I hired a man who would hire a man who would pay the builders. I kept obtaining the latest maps, and when I traveled I’d make sure I stayed close enough to white towers on the way. Nobody knew my secret, only Shork who, with all his faults, would never dare to betray me.