“You’re all acting like old married couples already.”
“Wait ‘til the kids pop out.” He chuckled, slapping my shoulder and setting me up for the next round of torment.
“Shit, hopefully that’s not happening anytime soon.” I had nothing against kids; however, friends fell off the face of the planet once they became parents. Days hanging out at a bar until the break of dawn became things of the past, as did a social life in general. “Don’t tell me Marla’s pregnant already?”
Josh shook his head, but the gleam in his eye divulged longing. He wanted kids. Evan wanted a family with Grace, too. I, on the other hand, wasn’t meant to be a family man. I had never wanted that, and part of me couldn’t grasp the concept. Family life with my parents wasn’t something to model. I wouldn’t want to bring a child into a world where bad shit was around every corner.
As I swung the kettlebell, concentrating on my workout, a vision of a young toddler with blond pigtails flashed before me. Her forest green eyes pierced mine. She was familiar to me; a vision clear as day. Her smile was like sunshine, and when she laughed, it gashed my heart. An unexpected tightness grew in my chest. I focused on my breathing as I counted each lift. An image of my mother filled my mind. I was a little boy, crying and hungry. Her voice screamed to shut up as she hurled a bottle at me. The flood of tears continued as I tried to stay silent, listening as she pitched insults my way. In a flash, I was back in the present, but not fully aware of my surroundings. I set the kettlebell down, my breath erratic as I backed away.
“Zach, you all right?” Josh’s hand rested on my shoulder, but I shoved him off. I had to get out of there. The terror running through me wasn’t rational, and I knew it, but I couldn’t pull myself out of it. “Okay, mate, what’s going on? What do you need?”
The air around me was stale and thick, I couldn’t get enough. The room was spinning. “I can’t breathe.” I gripped my chest, the pain excruciating. Was I having a heart attack? “I can’t…”
“Okay, let’s concentrate.” Josh approached with caution. “Lift your arms up. Can you do that for me?” I did as I was told and attempted to gather myself. “Take it easy. Grab your breath slowly. Focus on something real, keep your eye on it. Lower your arms. Repeat with me.”
Josh’s reassuring and firm manner helped as he continued. “Center on the present. Keep your thoughts here. Now, take a deep breath in for two seconds, release for two seconds. Okay, tell me what’s in the room? Where are you?”
“I’m…in a gym,” I mumbled breathlessly.
“Good. Breathe. And what else? Talk to me about the room. Describe it out loud.”
“Uh…” I was shaking, I couldn’t gather my thoughts. “Benches…”
“Where? How many?” Josh asked.
I squeezed my eyes shut and opened them again. “Four, against the wall, two close to us.”
“Okay, keep talking.”
I wiped the perspiration from my forehead. “Mirrors line the walls. Kettlebells near me… Shoes are black. Black laces.”
“Good.” He counted with me for a long while, asking about items in the room. It took my mind off the anxiety, and my breathing steadied. Soon enough, my heart did, as well. I sat on the bench as Josh handed me a bottled water. I drank it and let myself cool off.
I caught his knowing gaze. He was experienced. He knew what to do. Meaning, he’d been through what happened to me. Whatever technique he gave me helped the episode pass quickly. “Thanks, man. That helped.”
Josh waited some time before he spoke. “You prone to panic attacks?”
“No.”
“Is something bothering you now, or was it something in the past?”
Irritation was taking over. God, what was he, my fucking therapist? I didn’t want a sharing session. He didn’t need to know my fears. “Don’t worry about it.”
Exhaustion wasn’t going to stop me from finishing my workout. I moved toward the free weights, and Josh tugged me back with caution.
“Mate, this isn’t like you. What’s triggering this?” I stayed silent, my eyes on my feet. Confiding in him about Hilary would destroy everything. He would tell Evan. Evan would hate me, and worse, I’d be a disappointment to the entire Matthews family. They were all I had, and I wouldn’t risk losing them—even if it meant keeping the woman I desperately wanted at a distance.
“I’ve got a lot on my plate right now, Josh.”
“I know, but whatever it is, you can talk it out. I’ve been telling you this for some time now. We’ve all noticed. It’s hitting you harder lately.” He paused. “I’ve been through these before. They happen, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. You need to hire someone to either take over as Evan’s assistant, or you need to pass on the torch to a restaurant manager. You can’t do both.”
“I’ve got this,” I snapped. “I don’t need anyone taking over anything.”
Josh shrugged, an inscrutable look on his face as he prepped me for the next exercise. Pushing Hilary out of my mind was draining, and I wouldn’t last long if I kept it up. A decision had to be made—one that would change my trajectory. My problem was, which to choose? The impact it would have in the long run could be my undoing.
“GO BLOODY FISH, wanker.” Josh laughed at Evan.
Tonight’s first game of choice was an easy one. Poker would be played later, although it was typical for Grace to clean everyone out of their cash. Swing music blared from her record player. Jaime grumbled about the heat, which she had a right to do since she was pregnant, so the home felt like an icebox.
A nudge at my leg forced me to smile down at Hank. Josh’s adorable dog always tugged at my heartstrings. I grabbed a carrot stick from the table and fed him.
“No more, Zach. He’s had enough,” Marla said.
“He’s hungry.” I rubbed at the dog’s dark brown fur and kissed his forehead. One of the best parts of my job was when I had to look after Hank for Josh. I wouldn’t admit it to him, and usually complained when he asked me to take care of the boxer, but I loved that dog.
The door opened, and out rang the sultry voice that caught my attention. “Hey, everyone, sorry I’m late.”
Hilary entered and hugged her brother. He introduced her to Jaime and her husband, Dean. She approached Josh, a hand on her hip. “Eloped, huh?”
“He knows how to sweep a woman off her feet,” Marla said after Josh cheerfully introduced her.
My eyes flitted down Hilary’s body. A simple tank and shorts displayed her glowing skin. She looked tanned, relaxed, and happy. The pink in her cheeks made the light freckles across her nose stand out. I wanted to rest my face in the crook of her neck and taste her. I wanted to bury my body in hers and have her screaming in my ear. It was god-awful the constant fantasies I had to push aside.
Grace drew an extra chair beside me. I swallowed as Hilary sat, the smell of coconut and summer skin wafting my way. She smiled, and I reluctantly returned it, even though I wanted her far away from me. I was curious to know what she’d done all day, who she was with. But it was none of my business what she did with her time, and I needed to stop caring.
“How was your day off?” she asked.
“Good.” I gathered my cards off the table and kept my eyes focused on them. “How was your first day of property managing?”
“Informative.”
Grace chimed in, excitement evident. “Hilary and I helped Ben Taylor with his air conditioner. They seemed to hit it off well.”
My eyes jumped up to meet Hilary’s. “Ben Taylor? You hit it off with Ben?”
A subtle grimace flashed on her face. “We went for a swim in the pool.”
That explained her tan. She’d spent the day lounging with Ben when she should’ve spent the day with me. “Don’t you have work stuff?” I asked.
“Work can wait when Ben Taylor wants to hang out.” Marla chuckled.
Jaime sighed. “He’s sexy.”
“Your gorgeous husband can hear you,” Dean responded. S
he smiled and patted his cheek.
“Actually, I can, too, Marla.” Josh winked while Marla brought his mouth to hers. They had become extremely mushy in the past few months. “I train with Ben three times a week. He seems like a nice bloke,” Josh acknowledged, snacking on pretzels. The health nut usually got after us all for our eating habits, but since marrying Marla, he’d loosened the reins a bit on everyone, including himself.
Evan chewed on his pizza. “He’s okay, as long as Hilary doesn’t date him.”
“And why can’t I date him?” Hilary crossed her arms, and a pout appeared on those lush, pink lips.
“Because I said so.” Evan pointed his slice of pizza at her. “You’d do well to take my advice.”
She rolled her eyes. “That’s not a good enough reason, Evan.”
Grace nudged his arm and then set up the poker chips. “Why are you so hard on your sister? Let her date, have some fun.”
“I don’t like anyone dating Hilary. It’s a rule. Right, Zach?”
“What?” I jerked my eyes from the cards in my hand. “Yeah, of course.” I cleared my throat.
“Like when Graham broke the cardinal rule and started dating her, he quickly earned the top spot on our shit list. The asshole ruined everything.” Evan was still angry at Graham for breaking his trust—and his sister’s heart. I could only imagine what would happen if he found out about me.
Hilary’s breathing hitched, and her expression fell. I wanted to reach over, hold her in my arms like I had the night before. She put on a brave face and pushed her shoulders back, the heat in her voice radiating. “You’re going to have to deal with who I date, Evan. Get the fuck over it.”
Everyone sat silently as the music played. Jaime shifted, trying to break the tension. “Who wants a slice of pineapple pizza?”
Hilary shifted. “You know, I’ve got some work to do on my blog. I think I’ll head back.”
She gave a weak smile and bid us all good night. Grace followed her to the door, asking if she needed anything. After, the table was awkwardly quiet.
Dean broke the silence. “See what you did, babe? You scared her off with that pineapple pizza.”
“Why the fuck did you have to bring that up?” I snapped at Evan.
He shrugged. “What?”
“Graham. She’s not over him.”
Worry peppered his voice. “This is why I worry about who she dates. It’s been a year, and she’s not over it yet?”
“It’s not that easy.” Evan wasn’t there to witness how upset she was the night before. When we had gone to her after the breakup, he didn’t see what I saw. “He still contacts her. Did you know that?”
“That backstabbing son of a bitch is bothering her?” Evan threw his cards on the table, his rage bubbling, and I had to placate him before he did something unreasonable. “I’ll kill him.”
“No need, he’s engaged now. He’s getting married to that girl he left Hil for. He called yesterday to tell her.”
Everyone stayed in uncomfortable silence until Jaime broke it. “Poor girl,” she exhaled. “She needs to date, Evan. She needs to see that there are decent guys out there. I think Ben could help her get over Graham.”
“I agree,” Grace said. “They had great chemistry, Evan. He’s been nothing but nice, and she needs someone to help give her hope.”
Josh nodded. “He’s a good guy. I wouldn’t worry.”
She was mine. Their words irritated me further. I didn’t want her dating that asshole. Shit. Fine. He wasn’t an asshole, but I was selfish. Yet I knew what the ramifications were if I took her again. And, I already felt the effects as Evan emitted waves of wrath across the table.
“I don’t want her hurt again,” Evan said, running his hand through his hair. “She was so…broken.”
“She’s stronger now,” I said. All eyes were on me, awaiting an explanation. “I’ve spent enough time with her to know that.”
Evan cocked his head to the side, considering what I said. “You’re with her the most now, Zach. It’s up to you to watch out for her. Hell, run a background check, something, but don’t let her get hurt again.”
“You know I will.” I had promised, after all. The only problem was, I had broken that promise once already. I couldn’t break it again.
Chapter Ten
· hilary ·
The door slammed, and keys jingled and were thrown on the table near the door. Zach turned a corner and spotted me on the couch, Evan’s script in my hands as music droned in the background. His forest green eyes drifted over my bare legs. I wore my large, button-down shirt and had my hair piled up on my head. He flashed me that yearning expression, the one that I often admired. The one I wanted to see while he came inside me.
“It’s hot in here.” He pushed up the cuffs of his rolled-up sleeves and walked to the thermostat. The buzz of the air conditioner hummed and drowned out the sounds of the crickets outside.
“I didn’t cause trouble, did I?” Guilt ate at me for leaving game night early, but I hadn’t wanted Zach knowing I was spending time with Ben. I wasn’t sure why. Then Evan had brought up Graham, and not only did it stir up hurt feelings all over again, but it dawned on me why Zach was determined to keep me away. He didn’t want to lose Evan’s friendship the way Graham had.
“Everyone hates you now.” He winked as he served two glasses of scotch. I rolled my eyes at him. “They understand, Hil. Although, Evan’s not happy about Graham contacting you.”
I lowered my legs from the table and sat up as he handed me a glass. I took a sip and let the sting settle into my stomach. “Evan’s despised everyone I’ve dated.”
“I have, too.” He got comfortable at the other end of the couch. “You’re too good for all of them.”
“Except you?” I joked.
“Especially me. I’m the worst.”
He meant what he said. I disagreed. “You wouldn’t cheat on a woman you were exclusive with. You’re a good man.”
“I wouldn’t know, actually. I’ve never been exclusive.” He downed his drink as if the weight of the world were on his shoulders, then set the empty glass on the table. “Don’t put me on a pedestal, kid. Expectations usually lead to disappointments.”
I frowned at his self-assessment. He was more than what he perceived. This beautiful, guarded man’s grip on me was stronger than I cared to admit. He was quick to pretend nothing had happened between us, but I wasn’t. “Well, you exceeded my expectations in the bedroom. God, that tongue of yours can do things I still fantasize about.”
He looked at me with surprise, shock, and wonder. I quickly added, “And you can’t tell me that you aren’t a good man because I’ve lived with you for years. I know better than anyone else.”
Zach cleared his throat, reaching for his glass. He set it down again, realizing it was empty. I handed him my barely touched scotch, and he downed it. “You haven’t seen the way I am with women, Hilary.” A hint of sadness played over his features as if he believed he was the biggest jerk. I didn’t buy it.
“Don’t give me that shit.” I tossed the half-read script on the table. “I recall Nelly Larkin and how heartbroken she was after Evan dumped her. I saw you talking to her after school one day. You told her that, someday, she would find someone who truly cared for her.”
He sat frozen, his eyes wide. “You heard that?”
“When she asked why you were being nice to her, you said you knew what it felt like to be rejected.” He seemed to be stunned silent. “I’ll also never forget what you told me that night you stayed with me after Graham left.”
He swallowed, looking down at the now empty crystal. “Hil—”
“You told me, ‘it’s better that it ended now instead of him giving you a fake promise and regretting it later.’ It’s true.”
“That doesn’t make me a good partner. I love and leave, remember?” He lay back, letting his long legs spread out in front of him. I wanted to straddle him, have his large, callused hands all over
my bare skin, tug on his hair, feel his stubble scratch me. “Besides, I slept with Nelly.”
“What?” Blood rushed to my head as I sat up. “How did I not know this? When? Does Evan know?”
A hint of a smile crept onto his face, and he pointed his chin to the script. “Why are you reading Evan’s scripts?”
“I was bored,” I answered automatically.
“I’m behind. Is it any good?”
“Don’t change the subject!” I slapped his leg with the back of my hand, intrigued to know more. “I knew you had the biggest crush on her, but I had no idea you fucked her.”
“Don’t say fuck, it sounds vulgar.”
“You’re one to talk,” I rolled my eyes. “So, when did this happen?” How many women had he slept with? How did I compare to them? Had I pleased him enough? God, I was a moron for thinking all of this when he didn’t give a shit. Sex was probably just sex, and it all blended together for him.
He moved to the bottle in the kitchen and brought it with him. “Prom night. She was my first.”
“So cliché.” I held both glasses in my hands as he poured scotch into each. I needed a drink after hearing the new information. “Wasn’t Evan her first?”
“They never slept together. She really wanted to, but he wasn’t into her.” He chugged back what he served and set the glass back down.
“I thought they dated, and she was heartbroken over him.” He shook his head. It baffled me that I’d had my facts wrong for years. “So, were you her first?” I couldn’t help but ask. I wanted to know more about him. Everything, even if the itch of jealousy lurked.
“No,” he said, his body tightening. “It was Graham.”
My cheeks heated, and I knocked back the alcohol. “Wow, Nelly got around.”
“She dumped me after that night to go back to him.” He took a swig directly from the bottle and handed it to me. I followed suit.
“No wonder I never liked that bitch.”
He laughed, moving his hand under my chin to tip up my head. My eyes met his. “That jerk played with her emotions for a long time. That’s one of the many reasons Evan and I didn’t like the asshole.”
A Promise Broken Page 7