“What did he take from you?”
“All that I gave without him ever giving back.” She shivered and crossed her arms, closing herself off. Her love was one-sided. I could feel her remorse.
“Tell me how you found out.”
Her eyes jolted to meet mine. “I don’t want—”
“Tell me. How did it go down?”
The breath she exhaled appeared to have been stuck inside her chest. It was most likely an attempt to keep her tears locked up. “My Motion Graphics class got canceled. It was a Wednesday, still fairly early. Graham said he had a meeting that morning, so before heading home, I got a coffee éclair and a mocha from Café Madeleine.”
“Damn, that sounds good.” I groaned quietly. A hint of a smile crossed her lips, but it was forced. I wouldn’t joke anymore. “Then what?”
“I got home, and I could hear loud bangs, and I thought…” She shook her head and looked away from me. “I thought it was the washing machine. I went upstairs, and it was off, which led me to the bedroom.”
I could guess what happened next, but I let her expel whatever demons she was carrying within her.
“His partner, Edie Hamill, was on top of him. He spent so many nights with her. Late meetings. Her perfect, round tits were unmoving as she bounced on his cock. Reverse cowgirl.” Her face had turned from sad to disgusted with the last words uttered.
“Jesus, what did you do?”
“I stood there with my coffee and pastry and stared. I just…watched. Finally, Edie opened her eyes. She screamed and rushed for the covers of our bed, and you know what Graham did? He put his arm around her and told her not to worry.”
“Asshole.” I wanted to kill him for the pain he caused. “What did you say to him?”
She inhaled, calmer now as she spoke, as if it was a dwindling memory. “Her boots were on the floor in front of me, so I poured my coffee over them.”
My mouth dropped open. “No fucking way!”
“Yeah, I figured I’d hit where it hurt. They were those fancy Gucci kind.”
“Nice one, kid.”
“It only made me feel better for a second. She yelled at me, Graham told me that I was being childish, so I went up to him and smashed the éclair in his face.”
I laughed. “Oh, shit! I wish I could’ve seen that.”
Her face brightened, and she nodded. “I told them both to leave, and they did. I threw most of Graham’s clothes out the window.”
“Did he come for the rest of his stuff?”
She grimaced, “Of course, he did. With a moving truck. He wanted everything. The artwork, posters, furniture…and I didn’t give a shit. He took it all.” That explained her minimalist lifestyle when I’d been there. “I even told him to take the filthy bed. The best part was threatening to throw his PlayStation out the window, though. You should’ve seen the look on his face.”
“It looked like this, didn’t it?” I scrunched my expression, and she busted out laughing. “Why is it that he always looks constipated when he’s worried?”
“He does!” She continued to laugh as I made the face again and again while making grunting noises. “Stop it.” She clutched her stomach, wiping tears from the corners of her eyes. I was happy to put them there, but I needed more answers. I waited for her to recover.
“Why is it so difficult for you to get over him now? It’s been a year.”
“Zach, it’s bad enough breaking up with someone in general, but to see the person that’s a part of your life having sex with someone else…that was a level of devastation I just couldn’t handle.” Her eyes held grief. “I thought he was going to propose to me, you know. I saw a Cartier box. It was in one of his drawers. I spotted it while putting away his socks. It ended up being earrings for her.”
“Shit, I’m sorry, Hil.”
“I had told some classmates I thought he was going to pop the question, so, of course, it was awful when I had to explain to them that we broke up. I was mortified. The more I kept envisioning him and Edie, the more and more perfect I saw her. She was flawless in every way, gorgeous, and was giving him something I clearly couldn’t.”
“You’re gorgeous.” I clasped her hand in mine, kissing her palm. Why didn’t I say more? Like how I looked into her eyes and found comfort, saw home. Or that when I was in her arms, she was everything.
She gave a soft smile, not seeming convinced at my one statement—my weak, trivial sentence that didn’t begin to capture how much I cared for her. “I didn’t feel it at the time. Questions of why he went looking elsewhere, why I wasn’t good enough, plagued me. What if my boobs were too small? Maybe I was bad at sex. I couldn’t satisfy him. I wasn’t enough. I felt myself drifting away. My confidence disappeared, and I wasn’t who I used to be.”
“Hilary, you haven’t been who you were since you got with him,” I told her firmly. The fun, audacious, active bombshell blonde had become quiet, complacent, and compliant to a man who refused to let her shine.
“I know. I did everything for him.” I could hear the emotion tightening in her throat. “He told me he was moving in with her, and it was near my place. Zach, I ran into them everywhere. It was like a bad car wreck I couldn’t look away from. I would watch the way he’d have his arm wrapped around her or the way he’d kiss her. They’d be sitting at my favorite café, at my table, sharing a romantic breakfast together. All I kept thinking about was how she’d stolen my life. My man. My so-called dream. It made it impossible for me to move on.”
“I see the changes in you, but do you feel you have now?”
“Moved on?” She smiled. “Yeah, I feel like I’m finally finding myself. Who I am, what I want.”
“What is it you want?” My hope was for her to say me. My soul longed for her to give me everything.
Her voice was cautious, brow furrowed in concentration. “I want to be a full-time photographer. Have my own studio. Eventually, I want a family of my own with a man who truly loves and respects me.”
A family. That was something I couldn’t give her, not when she was my family, not when Evan and Katie and Rebecca would disapprove.
“You’ll get everything you want, Hilary. I believe that.” I hugged her to me, trying to grip some invisible link between us. It was on its way to breaking, and I could feel it. It would shatter, and I would bleed. I wasn’t sure I’d recover. I needed to hang on to this moment.
“I got a job offer,” she mumbled against my chest.
I grabbed her shoulders and pulled her away from me. “Say that again?”
“A job offer.” Her eyes were dark, almost black. I waited until she gave me more information to figure out why she seemed uncertain. “It’s for the Boston Herald. Just part-time, but they want me to take photos and do some write ups.”
My heart sped up, and my breath went shallow. I’d only had her a few months. I wasn’t ready to let her go. It couldn’t be the end of the line, not yet. “You’re working for the paper? You’re…leaving Austin.”
She shrugged. “I always planned to leave Austin, but this time, it’d be for a good reason. I have a week to decide.”
“What about your work with Grace? I thought you were going to make her some book covers?” My mind went over the things we had yet to do, the plans I still had. It sounded stupid, even to me, but I hoped she’d eventually fall for me.
“I can do that from Boston. If she wants to pick the models here or fly over there, that’ll be easy enough.”
I shook my head, my chest felt as if an anvil were on top of it. “But what about the portrait stuff? We’re all headed to Atlanta, and you’re not going? You can take everyone’s pictures. And your blog? Will you have time to work on that?”
She chuckled. “I can always go visit over the weekend and ask some of the actors and the director if I can take their photos.”
Her words were fading out. I clasped my chest and stood as she spoke of plans that didn’t include me. The world felt like it was caving in, and I had nobody to t
urn to. She would leave, and I’d be back working with Evan. Things would return to the way they were, except they’d never be the same. I was altered, and I couldn’t get the old me back. The man that didn’t care, didn’t love, didn’t commit…he was gone. At the same time, I wouldn’t beg her to stay if the job was what she wanted.
My breathing picked up. I paced; my hands ran through my hair. I slowed my breaths, lifted my arms, and remembered Josh’s instructions when something similar had happened before. “There’s a mahogany desk. It has an open laptop, an audio dock…” I muttered out loud without realizing what I was doing.
“Zach? Are you okay?”
“I’ll be fine.” I told myself it wasn’t the end of the world; the reality was different from my notions of impending doom. I inhaled and exhaled, hooked my hands behind my head, and got myself together. My heart boomed, restless energy coursed through me like a racehorse. I stopped walking, opened my eyes, and saw concern written all over her face. I didn’t want her pity.
“Was that a panic attack?”
“I’m fine.” I gave her a look that warned her to back off, but she didn’t take the hint.
“Obviously not. That was clearly a panic episode. Have you talked to anyone about this? A therapist?”
“I don’t need to talk to a therapist,” I snapped. “I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone.”
“Whoa, calm down. You’re stressed out. You take on too much, and I can tell it’s affecting you. I’m not stupid, Zach.”
“Could’ve fooled me.” I inwardly chastised myself for being a douchebag. My defenses were up, and I wasn’t sure how to handle the crazy fears in my head.
An irreverent laugh escaped as she spoke. “Wow. There’s the asshole again, making his appearance.”
Instead of admitting how I was terrified of losing her, I let my anger and hurt spill out. “Guess you haven’t learned from your mistakes, then? Jumping from one asshole to another. Maybe you’re the one who needs to talk to a therapist.”
“I have learned, that’s why we aren’t dating and only fucking.” I was stunned silent at her statement. She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Go to sleep, Zach. Get rest. I’ll see you at the restaurant tomorrow.”
“Fine.” I stomped out of the room like a petulant child, and when I lay in my own bed, alone, I felt as if my heart were ripping to shreds.
Chapter Twenty-Five
· hilary ·
The sky was overcast with threats of rain throughout the day, yet it never came. My demeanor was much the same. Unease crept through my bones as I recalled Zach’s words. My words. We’d gone to sleep angry, in separate rooms. After weeks of growing closer, we were drifting apart.
My heart seized when I trudged to the coffee maker and saw a simple daisy sitting on top of a new box of unfrosted strawberry Pop-Tarts. A note was underneath the flower. In Zach’s all-caps handwriting were the words:
I smiled, and my stomach gave a tiny flutter as I let the white petals touch my nose. I thought of him all day. Excitement buzzed for the soft opening of Roots. Everyone who loved Zach, Evan, and Josh would be there. I spent my time getting ready, looking sexy for my man. My plus one arrived, ringing the doorbell consistently.
“It’s gonna rain,” Renee groaned as she strolled in with a newfound confidence. I was sure Ben had something to do with that. They’d been inseparable up until he left for LA last week to attend meetings with his agent.
I whistled as she embraced me. “Look at you, sexy thing.” She wore a skin-tight, black dress with black leather pumps that were a cross between an ankle boot and a mule. She looked like Catwoman with her sleek bob and ruby red lips. I had opted for a halter dress the same shade as her lipstick with nude heels.
“Ben’s flight lands a tad late. He’ll meet us at the restaurant. I thought I’d wow him with this sleek new number.” She messed with her hair, patting it down. “This damn humidity’s going to frizz out my hair, though.”
“That’s why I put mine in a low bun,” I said, reaching for my clutch. “You ready to rock and roll?”
“Yeah, but fill me in on Zach on the way over. I know something’s on your mind,” she said, swinging her keys in her hand.
“Am I that transparent?” She rolled her eyes. I groaned. “Fine. Let’s go before we’re late.”
The traffic kept us in the car longer than expected, which gave me the opportunity to spill everything in detail about what had been going on with Zach and me over the past month. Renee nodded her head and listened intently. She gave gasps and laughs, moans and questions at the appropriate times. When I informed her about last night’s happenings, she sighed.
“So, it seems he might’ve had a mini-panic episode because you’re going to Boston. Which leads me to believe that he’s so into you.”
I scoffed. “What? No way. Zach cares for me, sure, but it’s not like that. He’s never even been in a relationship before.”
She lowered her black sunglasses to the tip of her nose and glared at me. She turned back to watch the traffic crawl on I-35. “There’s a first for everything, darling.” She gave a mock British accent, which was on point. “I think he’s a complete wreck because he’s either falling in love with you or on the way to falling in love with you. And admitting it to you means he has to admit it to himself, to Evan, to the family—which then means everything falls apart.”
My breath caught in my throat. I had always figured he was attracted to me. That was a given, he was a dude. But feelings so deep they ran to love? Doubtful. “But he’s not the settling down type.”
“Don’t worry, he’d probably never admit it to you unless he knew you felt the same. Guys are chickens in that way.” Her lips turned up at the corners as if she were using superpowers to figure me out. “You don’t love him, right?”
“Of course, I love him. He’s family.”
“Hmm.” Renee tapped her nails on the steering wheel, unconvinced. “I didn’t bring a jacket. It looks like the storm’s coming soon.”
“They have valet. It’ll be right next to the doors.” I made a noise between a sigh and a groan. “My mom’s going to know something’s up with me. She always knows when something’s wrong.”
“Oh, I get to meet the whole Matthews clan tonight. This will be so fun. Your brother better be nice and take a selfie with me this time,” she demanded. “And I wanna meet Kara Jones if she’s there. She didn’t make an appearance at the cast party.”
“She’ll be there. She’s one of my brother’s good friends.” I stared out the window, my stomach churning. Zach couldn’t love me. He wasn’t the type. Years of fantasizing that he’d be mine were just that, fantasies. It was a dream to think my crush wanted me for more than just fun. I let my heart believe that’s all I was to him, fun. Nothing more. No, I wouldn’t let that notion take over me. If I let down my walls and it wasn’t true, I’d feel like the fool I was with Graham all over again.
Renee pulled up to the front where a line of cars waited for valets until it was our turn. We approached the door where Joanna stood. I caught her eye, and she flinched before plastering on a tight, fake smile. She greeted me with a ridiculous air kiss on each side of my face. I introduced Renee and made silly small talk with her as she had us bypass the security line to enter the restaurant.
The place was packed, the chatter loud. People stood at the bar, waitstaff walked around with hors d’oeuvres. A photographer asked people to pose for pictures, most of them celebrities. Renee whispered in my ear as Joanna made her way to more important guests.
“Holy shit, Hils.” She pointed to a hunky man in the corner of the room. “Is that Lyle Tarpin? I love him.”
“Are you or are you not dating your own movie star?” I laughed.
She gave a small pout. “I am, but he’s not here. Besides, Ben gets a kick out of my fangirling. He thinks it’s funny.”
“It is.” I smiled as she checked her phone for the tenth time in the past half an hour.
“Hey, baby.” A voice called out behind me, recognizable and warm. I turned to see my mother’s twinkling blue eyes, her smile large.
“Momma.” My voice trembled as I bent low to give her a tight hug. Tears prickled my eyes.
She pulled back and cupped my cheeks as was the norm. “What’s wrong, sweetheart? How’s my little one?”
“I’m fine, I just missed you. When did you get here?”
“This afternoon. I’m staying at the Hotel Van Zandt. It’s lovely.”
“Why aren’t you staying with us?” I asked, although I knew space would be an issue. She waved her hand in dismissal.
“I came with a friend. I’ll introduce you tomorrow. We’re all going out to lunch.” I wished I had the night to talk with her, to confide in her what was going on, but I was as scared as Zach was about the repercussions of our actions.
“How long are you staying?”
“Oh, just a week. Gotta catch up with my babies. Isn’t the restaurant something else? I’m so proud of Zach,” she gloated.
All of Zach’s hard work had paid off. Every table was filled, people were laughing and talking. I wished I’d brought my camera to capture everything. Zach had insisted on hiring his own photographer so I could enjoy the evening, despite my persistence.
“Have you seen him?” I glanced around.
“He’s in the kitchen, running around like a chicken with his head cut off.” She sighed, a fretful expression looming over her. “That boy doesn’t know when to quit. He’s overworked. I can see he’s stressed. Evan told me he’s been having little panic attacks. I’m worried about him.”
When I said nothing, she tilted her head and studied me. “You’re worried about him, too.” She held my hand in hers. “He’ll get through it, sweetie. Go say hi, he’ll appreciate it.”
I fumbled with the clutch in my hand. “I’m not so sure—”
“You’ve always had a way of soothing him,” she interrupted. “I think you steady his nerves.”
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