by Jessica Wood
While “Lover, You Should’ve Come Over” continued to play in the background, I drifted in and out of consciousness. My living room slowly slipped away and was replaced with a familiar off-white ceiling that glowed with a kaleidoscope of magical lights. I felt his sweaty hand holding mine as he smiled over at me. This is where we made our pact. This is where he first kissed me. This is where I want to be.
And right before I was completely engulfed by sleep, I heard myself mutter, “Jax … I’m single … I hope you are too …”
CHAPTER FOUR
Summer 1992
Seven Years Old
“You be a good girl, you hear, baby?” My mom brushed through the knots in my chestnut-brown hair, preparing to put it in pigtail braids.
“I will, Mommy.” I tried to turn and smile up at her. I knew she thought I always wanted her to braid my hair because I liked it in pigtails. But that wasn’t it. I thought pigtails made me look like a silly kid, and I didn’t want to look like a kid. I needed to grow up, so that I could take care of us both.
I actually never liked my hair in pigtails at all. But I never told my mom that. The real reason I always wanted her to braid my hair was because it was one of my favorite things to do with her. It was when she would talk to me without being distracted, when she wasn’t on the phone talking about money, when she wasn’t crying or angry. And because she needed to use both hands to braid my hair, she couldn’t smoke or drink either, and I knew that was good for her.
When my mom would braid my hair, she seemed happier as well. She would smile and hum to herself, and I loved it when she smiled. It made her look so beautiful, and it made me feel warm and happy inside.
But today felt different.
I couldn’t see her as she stood behind me, but I could tell that something was wrong today. She wasn’t smiling or humming today. “You don’t have to worry about me, Mommy.” I tried to stay positive and happy for her.
“You need to always listen to what Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom tell you to do, okay?” There was an unusual crack in her voice that made me sad, but I wasn’t quite sure why I felt that way.
“I will. I promise. Cross my heart and hope to fly. Stick a beetle in my pie.”
Suddenly, my mom started to laugh, but it wasn’t her normal laugh. This sounded like she was laughing and crying at the same time.
I turned around and looked up at her in confusion. “What’s wrong, Mommy? Why are you laughing funny?”
“You’re just the sweetest girl any mommy can have, baby.” She beamed at me, and for a brief moment, her normal, blood-shot eyes looked clear and focused. She leaned down and planted a gentle kiss on my forehead, which instantly made me giggle with delight.
“That tickles, Mommy!” But my mom didn’t seem to hear me correctly, because she started to tickle me on both sides of my stomach, causing me to squeal and laugh, and I begged her to stop.
Finally, when my stomach hurt so much from giggling that I could barely breathe, she finally let me go.
“All right, enough fooling around, honey. Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom will be here soon. So if you still want me to braid your hair, then you have to stay still.”
“Okay, Mommy. I’ll be good.”
As she braided my hair, I brushed through my Belle Barbie’s brown hair, mimicking my mom’s movements. I smiled and kissed Belle on the cheek. She was my first and only doll. She was my best friend. I could still remember when I got her last Christmas. I had felt like the luckiest girl in the world when I opened the wrapped package. My mom said a secret Santa got it for me. She said that I had been a very good girl last year, and Santa wanted to give me something special this year. She was right. Belle was really special.
“Mommy?” I looked back up at her as she secured the hair-tie ball at the end of one of the braids.
“Yes, honey?”
“Do you know if there are books at Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom’s house?”
“Why do you ask that?”
I held Belle Barbie up so my mom could see her. “Belle likes to read books. When she was living with the Beast, there was a library in his castle, so she was really happy. Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom’s house is big like a castle. Does that mean they have a library too?”
My mom smiled down at me. “I can’t remember if they do, but there’s a library nearby that I’m sure Aunt Betty can take you and Belle to if you ask. Doesn’t that sound wonderful?”
I grinned up at her and nodded enthusiastically. “Belle will like that a lot.”
“You and Belle will be really happy there.” Her voice sounded sad again.
I frowned, wondering if I had said something that made her upset.
“Mommy, how come you’re not moving to Aunt Betty’s with us?” I looked back up at her and made myself smile. I didn’t understand why, but I knew my mom was very sad, and I needed to be brave so she wouldn’t worry about me.
My mom didn’t respond right away. “Honey, you’ve asked me that before.”
“I know, Mommy. Sorry I don’t remember what you said.” I felt bad for lying to her, but I didn’t want to tell her that when I had asked her the other day, she had forgotten to tell me.
I heard her let out a deep sigh before she turned me around to look up at her. “Chloe, you’re a big girl now, and you deserve to know what is happening. So I will tell you something important, okay?”
I nodded.
When she bent down to face me, I could smell the usual stale remnants of alcohol on her breath mixed in with her morning cigarette. “Honey, Mommy is sick.” She paused and I saw some tears in her eyes. “For a long time, Mommy didn’t want to admit to herself that she was sick, but she is. And because she’s sick, she hasn’t been taking care of her baby girl the way a good mommy should.”
Her words scared me. “Are you going to die, Mommy?” I tried as hard as I could to hold back the tears that burned my eyes. I had to be strong for her. I had to be strong for the both of us. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stop my body from shaking as I started to cry. I buried my face in her chest and held on to her as tightly as I could.
“Shh, honey,” she crooned as she held me. “It’ll be okay. I’m not going to die.”
I pulled my face from her chest and sniffled. “You promise?”
She nodded and smiled. “I’m going to get better, baby. I’m going to a place where they’ll help me get better.”
“How long will you be gone?”
She shrugged. “I’m not sure. It can be a long recovery process.”
“Oh.” I bowed my head and looked at the floor, trying to think about what she was saying. “Can Belle and I come too?” I looked up at her hopefully.
“No, I’m sorry, honey. It’s a place just for sick people to get better. That’s why you’re going to be living with Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom. You’ll be happy there.”
I shook my head and pouted. I wasn’t happy with what I was hearing. “Mommy, I can pretend to be sick like you. That way I can be with you and take care of you. I can be really good at pretending. Please, Mommy? I just want to be where you are.”
“I really wish you could come too, baby, but you can’t. There are good people who protect kids like you and they think that Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom can take care of you better right now.” Tears streamed down her face, which made me very sad.
“Please don’t cry, Mommy.” I reached up and wiped away her tears with my fingers. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I will be a big girl for you, Mommy. I’ll take care of Belle and I’ll listen to everything Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom tell me to do. I’ll be a good girl. Please don’t be upset with me.”
She smiled, but her eyes didn’t twinkle like they usually did when she smiled at me.
But before I could ask any more questions, there was a knock at the door, causing us both to jump in surprise.
“All right, that must be them, Chloe.” My mom pulled me into her arms and hugged me tightly. I could hear the fast beating of her heart through her ch
est. “Remember to be a good girl. Everything will be okay. I promise.”
“Okay. I’ll remember.” My voice came out as a whimper as I tried to stay strong and not cry again. I could tell my mom was very sad, so I didn’t want her to see me cry anymore.
Thirty minutes later, after I had hugged her for a very long time, I was sitting in the backseat of a car with Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom. The moment I felt the car engine roar to life, tears fell down my cheeks. I looked out the window and saw my mom crying, too.
“No! Mommy!” I cried out as I pressed my hands and face up against the closed window.
“Be good, Chloe! I’ll see you soon. I promise.”
As I struggled to breathe through my sobs, I wondered if she would keep that promise.
CHAPTER FIVE
Summer 1992
Seven Years Old
I woke up when the car finally pulled up to the driveway of Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom’s house. When I realized what had happened, I was immediately upset with myself. I had wanted to pay attention to the roads and try to remember how to get back to the apartment complex my mom and I lived in. I needed to know how to get home just in case my mom needed me.
“Aunt Betty?”
Aunt Betty had just unbuckled her seatbelt when she turned back to look at me. “Yes, honey? We’re here.” Being my mom’s older sister, she looked a lot older but had the same smile as my mom, which comforted me.
“Can you draw me a map to me and mommy’s apartment?”
She kept the smile on her face, but I could see a worried expression in her eyes. “Honey, your mommy’s not going to live there anymore, remember? She’s going to be living with other people who are also sick, and she’s going to stay there until she gets better.”
“Oh.” I did remember my mom telling me that, but I was hoping things had changed. “Can I call her?”
“Of course. Let’s first get settled in, and we’ll call her before dinner. Okay?”
I nodded. I really wanted to tell Aunt Betty that I wanted to talk to my mom now, but I knew I was supposed to listen and be good.
“Now, come on. Let’s see your new room,” she said with excitement. “We have a surprise for you.”
“Really?” I looked at Aunt Betty with a new sense of hope. A surprise? Maybe it’s Mommy! Maybe Mommy is playing a joke on me.
I grabbed Belle, who was sitting in the seat next to me, and got out of the car. It was sticky-hot outside but I felt a little happier to know there was a surprise in my room. I looked up at Aunt Betty and Uncle’s Tom’s house in awe. It was so much bigger than the apartment. They had three spaces for their cars in the garage, which was bigger than my entire apartment with my mom.
“How come you didn’t park your car in the garage, Uncle Tom?”
Uncle Tom chuckled. “You’re a very smart and observant kid, Chloe.”
“Mommy says I like to ask a lot of questions, and she says sometimes it’s rude to ask too many questions. I’m sorry if I was rude, Uncle Tom.”
“You weren’t being rude. Being curious is a good thing.” He reassured me with a smile. “And to answer your question, since Charlie is in college now, we moved his things to the garage for now, and his old room is your new room.”
“Oh.” I remembered Charlie. He was a lot older than me and I never really talked to him much. But he wasn’t mean to me, so I liked him. “Will Charlie be mad if I’m in his room when he comes home?”
“No,” Uncle Tom said with an understanding smile. “I mentioned it to him already. He’s going to stay in the guest room when he’s home from college. But because you’ll be staying here for a while, we wanted you to have the bigger room so you feel more comfortable.”
“Come on, Chloe,” called out Aunt Betty as she walked to the front door. “It’s really hot out. Let’s get inside. Uncle Tom will grab the rest of your things.”
“Okay, Aunt Betty.” I hugged Belle a little tighter and whispered, “We’re going to be living here for a little bit while Mommy gets better, Belle. Don’t be scared, okay? I’ll be here to protect you.” I kissed Belle on the forehead, the way my mom would kiss me when she wanted to make things better.
As I walked up the driveway, a boy popped his head out from the treehouse between Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom’s house and the even larger house next door. We stared at each other for a moment. I wanted to ask about his treehouse because I’d never seen one before in real life. But before I could ask, he yelled down, “You look like Pippi Longstocking!”
His words stung, and it made me mad. “I do not, you big meanie!” I screamed up at him.
“Pippi Longstocking!” He flashed me a boyish grin and he pointed to the pigtails my mom had braided for me that morning before we’d said goodbye.
“And you’re a big, fat meanie!” I screamed up at him again, but this time, I stuck my tongue out and made a face at him, too.
Then I turned away and ran into the house because I didn’t want the boy to see me upset.
“Did you make a new friend out there?” Uncle Tom said with a smile as he walked toward the staircase leading up to the second floor.
“No,” I immediately retorted and twisted my face in disgust. “He said I look like Pippi Longstocking.”
Aunt Betty laughed. “Sounds like someone has a crush on you, Chloe.”
“No. He’s mean.” I frowned and wondered if Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom had problems with their hearing. There was no way that boy liked me.
“Give the poor boy a chance,” Uncle Tom continued with a chuckle. “Sometimes boys just have a hard time expressing their feelings.”
He didn’t seem to have any problems expressing his feelings to me, I wanted to counter, but I remembered what my mom said and I knew that a good girl didn’t talk back to adults. So I kept my thoughts to myself as I walked up the stairs with Aunt Betty and her husband. But I knew they were wrong. That boy didn’t like me and I didn’t like the boy, either. He was mean. He was a bully. He would never be my friend.
Minutes later, all thoughts of that boy vanished, because when I walked into my new room, I saw the surprise Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom had for me.
My eyes grew wide with glee as I took the entire room in. “Is this really my room?” The room was almost as big as the whole apartment my mom and I had lived in. I couldn’t believe that such a large room was going to be just for me.
“Is that a dollhouse?” I squealed as I ran over to the corner of the room near the bay window where a large dollhouse stood. It was so tall that I had to get on my tippy toes to be able to touch the top of the roof with my hands.
“We heard that Belle was going to be living with us, too.” Aunt Betty walked over to me with a smile and helped me open the dollhouse so we could see the inside. “So we wanted to make sure that she felt at home as well.”
I gasped when I saw the inside. It wasn’t a dollhouse; it was a doll-mansion. “Thank you, thank you, thank you, Aunt Betty! Belle’s never had such a big house to herself.” Then I cried out in delight and pointed at one of the rooms. “Look, Belle! There’s a library in your house! Look at all those books you can read.”
“So does that mean you like your room?” Aunt Betty’s eyes twinkled as she smiled at me.
I nodded excitedly. “Thank you, Aunt Betty! Thank you, Uncle Tom!”
Uncle Tom flashed me a huge smile. “I don’t think you’ve noticed the surprise.”
“What do you mean?” I stared at him in confusion. “Isn’t this room the surprise?”
Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom exchanged a look, like they knew a secret.
“Is Mommy here?” My eyes lit up in excitement as I looked around the room for places she could be hiding.
But then I noticed Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom exchange a look that made them seem worried. “Well …” Aunt Betty looked at me apologetically. “No, honey, your mommy isn’t here.” She then smiled, trying to convince me to do the same with her expectant eyes.
I felt downcast that my mom wasn�
��t with me. I also felt guilty that a part of me felt excited about living in this big room when I didn’t know where my mom would be living.
“The surprise is on the ceiling,” she finally told me.
I immediately looked up to see what she was talking about. A loud gasp left my lips as I clutched Belle tighter with excitement. “Stars!” The entire grayish-blue ceiling of my room was covered with hundreds of stars of various sizes. “Is it the constellation?” My eyes lit up as I looked at Aunt Betty and then Uncle Tom for confirmation.
Uncle Tom nodded with a grin. “You’re a smart girl, Chloe. Yes, it’s the constellation.”
“We heard you really love looking up at the sky at night and reading about things that occur in the sky,” Aunt Betty explained. “Now you can sleep under all the stars.”
I nodded with a smile as I looked up at all the stars.
“And guess what?” Uncle Tom asked.
“What?” My eyes went wide as I looked up at him.
“At night, all the stars will glow in the dark.”
“They will?” I wasn’t sure how that was possible, but I couldn’t wait until it got dark. I had so much excitement coursing through me, it felt like I was on a sugar high after a night of trick-or-treating on Halloween. For the first time that day, I started to feel happy about being there.
CHAPTER SIX
Summer 1992
Seven Years Old
“Okay, class,” a tall lady with strawberry-blond hair in front of me called out from the front of the class to the other kids in the classroom, “it’s time to get started. Everyone, take your seats.” She turned and flashed me a warm smile. “I’m going to introduce you to everyone. Is that okay?”
I nodded. I sneaked a quick glance to all the kids sitting at their desks, who were now all staring at me with interest. My face felt hot and I looked down to my feet.