by Zoey Parker
But never before have I had dreams like this. It was so vivid and continuous, one powerful flash of emotion. Fear mixed with craving mixed with coming so hard that even now my toes are cramping and sore. I shudder and force myself to clamber out of bed. I can’t be thinking like this. I certainly shouldn’t be dreaming like this. I need to clear my head.
I peel my panties down my legs and step out of them. Tiptoeing across the cold floor, I step into the shower and crank it to a full, icy blast. The water is like needles stabbing into my skin. I gasp as it knocks the breath from my lungs, but I need to stay still. The stream flows down between my breasts, hanging heavy and full. It follows the gentle decline of my stomach, gushes through the soft thicket of my short-clipped pubic hair.
The cold water helps to soothe the burning sensation left over from my dream. I close my eyes and imagine steam rising from between my legs as my mound reluctantly cools. The biker stands in my mind’s eye, taunting and bold. I reach out a hand and for a second, I almost swear I can touch him, to feel those rolling muscles knotted beneath my fingertips. “Who are you?” I whisper.
That’s how I know I’ve gone too far. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: never ask questions.
I wrench the handle to the closed position and stand naked, shivering, with my arms wrapped around myself and my teeth chattering.
Forget about him, Rose, I think to myself. It won’t lead anywhere good.
I know I need to listen to myself. But it’s hard to ignore the feeling. Even after that arctic shower, I can still feel a point of intense heat deep in my core. It’s dormant for the moment, but there’s no telling what might spark it and bring it roaring back to life. It might take me over, set me ablaze.
It might consume me. Or rather, he might.
* * *
I park my car under the streetlight. I wasn’t supposed to work tonight, but Tomas had called me half an hour earlier, asking if there was any way I could come in to help him out because one of the other cocktail girls had called in sick. I didn’t want to do it, but one look at my crumbling vehicle had convinced me that I needed the money too badly to say no. Thus, here I am. Story of my life.
I sit in the driver’s seat for a moment. The engine is crackling as it sighs into stillness. Rivets and gears groan down, tired from bouncing along the shitty, pothole-stricken roads of El Cruce. I thought I would be more upset by coming back to the parking lot after all the things that had happened the last time I was here. But I feel strangely calm. Letting bad things go, putting them in the past, pretending they never happened—that’s what I am best at. This is no different. I shove the memory into a locked drawer in my mind and leave it there.
Even when I see a smear of blood on the asphalt as I stride towards the building in front of me, I don’t get fazed.
The stars are bright overhead tonight. The fat, low-hanging moon shines skewed beams across the pavement. I walk through them, my huffing breath loud in my ears. The din of nighttime El Cruce burbles around me. I reach the side entrance, propped open with a brick, and slip through.
The music inside takes me over immediately, throbbing deep into my bones with its subsonic thump. Every bass note rattles my skeleton. I’m barely two steps in the door when Eduardo seizes my upper arm in his sweaty grasp. I can feel the cold metal of his dozen rings against my bare skin. “Rose,” he pants, “go check the girls in the back.”
“What for?”
He’s let me go and is already on his way down the hall to his office, waving a blithe hand in my direction. “Lucila hasn’t shown up for work tonight,” he says with a shrug. “Go find out what’s the deal.”
Then he’s gone. I’m standing in the hallway, rooted to the ground. I can’t move. How do muscles work again? I don’t remember. Where did all that calm go? It had been mine just a moment ago. Now, I’m a numb, shuddering hollow. My whole body feels like a screaming voice about to give out.
The bass is even louder now, pummeling into my ears like a jackhammer on the sidewalk, every bit as uncaring and relentless. I hear the DJ’s voice layering on top of the music. “Lucila, to the stage,” he croons. “Lucila, come on up.”
It feels like my legs are moving on their own. They carry me to the mouth of the hallway, just where it spills out into the main room. I see lights roving on the stage, highlighting the empty platform in garish purple and pink. The pole stands shining and bare. The DJ calls Lucila’s name a few more times. Nothing moves.
The crowd of men huddled on every side of the stage is beginning to grow restless. I hear curses in English and Spanish being bandied about.
“Get on stage, puta!”
“Where are you, girl?”
“Let’s have some other bitch get naked already! What’s the deal?”
The DJ transitions coolly. “Guess we’ll move onto our next lady of the evening. Please put your hands together for Chardonnay.” The men sigh back into their seats, temporarily sated as a tall, ebony-skinned girl in a red bikini sashays out from the curtain and begins her routine. The bass is the only thing I can hear, like the world’s loudest heartbeat, blasting into my eardrums over and over again.
Lucila never showed up for work tonight.
I glide wordlessly over to Tomas, who is hustling behind the bar, pouring drinks as fast as he can for the horde of ravenous customers. “Tomas,” I say in a muted voice, leaning over the bar so my words will reach him. He barely has time to glance up to see who is speaking to him.
“Hey, Rose, thanks for coming,” he rasps. He sounds sick.
“Tomas, where’s Lucila?”
He tosses his hands in the air. “No idea,” he says. “Haven’t seen her since last night.” He catches sight of my face and pauses for a moment. “Hey, are you alright? Your lip looks a little busted up. Did something happen?”
I raise a hand to hide my mouth from him. My mouth is still scabbed from the fighting the night before, but I can’t get into that with Tomas right now. I need to find Lucila. She has to be here. She has to be somewhere, at least. She can’t be dead. Oh, God, don’t let her be dead. I have no idea what those men were capable of, and I have no desire to find out. I just need to find her. As soon as I do, everything will be okay, and I can go back to living my life the way it was. Before I walked in on her and those men last night. Before the biker.
“I’m fine,” I tell him. “I, uh…slipped in the shower. No big deal. Anyway, I’m gonna go check the back for Lucila. I’ll be back to help out in a minute.”
“Hey, what’s the hold up, barman?” demands a fat, sweaty man with a loose tie knotted around his neck.
“Sorry, sir, one minute,” Tomas apologizes. He looks at me. “Gotta go.”
I nod and head towards the back, doing my best to avoid attracting attention from any of the patrons. It’s half past midnight already, so most of them are well on their way to black out drunk. I’m savvy enough to stay out of arms’ reach.
I swish through the beaded curtain, retracing my steps from last night. Less than twenty-four hours ago, I’d been here, investigating what seemed like a harmless noise. If only I’d known then what I would find when I turned the corner. I swallow hard and cross my fingers. “Please be there,” I pray. I step across the threshold of the changing room.
A few girls are in the room, primping their costumes or doing make-up. It’s a zoo of flesh in every color and shape. Tits bounce in the mirror as the dancers get themselves ready to face the jackals waiting for them outside in the main room. Feathers, ridiculously short dresses, and G-strings clutter every surface.
I go up to a girl I know, who is perched on a stool with her legs crossed as she counts rumpled bills on the marble countertop in front of her. “Hey, Clarissa, have you seen Lucila?”
Clarissa looks up at me. She’s got bleached blonde hair that reaches all the way down to the small of her back. Her eyes, thanks to a pair of colored contacts, are a glittery purple. Long, painted nails jut from each fingertip. The over
all effect is stunning, if somewhat alien. “No, she never came today,” she lushes in a thick, indeterminate accent, a bizarre mix of Latin and Eastern European tones draped over every syllable. “She was supposed to be dancing right now, but she’s not here. Weird. She’s never been late before.”
“Have you heard from her? Has anyone?”
She flicks a tress of hair away from her forehead. “Not me.” Clarissa turns to the rest of the room. “Hey, girls, anyone hear from Lucila today?”
The few who look up murmur, “No,” or shake their heads. No one seems concerned. But they didn’t see what I had seen.
She resumes counting her money on the countertop. “Guess not,” she finishes.
I falter, not sure what to say. “Thanks,” I mumble. Clarissa hears the strangled emotion in my voice and looks up again.
“Is everything okay?”
I blink back a tear. “Yeah, I’m just worried about her,” I say. “She looked like she might have been talking to some pretty bad guys last night.”
Clarissa clucks. “I tell her all the time, be careful, but she don’t like to listen.” Her eyes narrow. “They take girls like her and they sell them, you know. If you’re not careful. Big auctions. Lots of men come to pay big money for pretty girls.”
I can hardly hear the words, let alone stomach the concept. Lucila, being paraded out like cattle, sold to the highest bidder…a wave of nausea tears through me. I turn away. “Thanks, Clarissa,” I whisper over my shoulder. She ignores me, lost in the stacks of money piling up higher in front of her.
How can they not care? What is it about this fucking town that makes everyone so callous and cold? Maybe it’s to stop themselves from feeling what I’m feeling right now: absolute terror in every cell.
I start to leave. On my way out, something catches my eye. Instead of walking back through the beaded curtain, I pace over to the set of cubbies where the girls stash their things while they work. Each cubbyhole is labeled with a girl’s name. Scanning down the columns, I read off each name until I see Lucila’s.
Her things are there. Purse, car keys, cell phone. I pick up the phone with a trembling hand and flick it open. A smiling infant beams back at me. His cheeks are a bright, fleshy tan. I see one snaggletooth fighting to emerge from his pink gums. This must be her son. At the top of the phone, I notice the little icon indicating a dozen missed calls.
Lucila would never leave her stuff like this. I set the phone down and back away slowly. I’m more scared now than ever. The nervous rumble in my stomach has become a full-fledged roar. Something happened to her. Those men took her. I don’t have proof, but deep down, I just know it to be true.
I don’t know how long I’ve been standing there before Eduardo pops his head through the curtain. “Rose!” he snaps. “What are you doing just standing there like a fool? Come, come!” He impatiently waves a fat hand in my direction. His bearded jowls flop as he retreats back into the main room.
Like a robot, I pivot and follow him, leaving behind the last traces of Lucila. Just like that, she’s gone. I wonder how her son will eat tonight. I hope there is someone else who can take care of him. I doubt very much that his mom will ever be coming back.
It’s strange how, all of the sudden, I can leave all of that behind. One moment I’m terrified, raging internally at how cold Clarissa had been. The next, though, I’m just like her. I forget the whole thing. Like Lucila never mattered. Like she never existed. The ease of the transition scares me on its own. I need to get away from El Cruce before the town steals what little soul I have left.
I slink between the beads. The music slaps me in the face, pulsing hard and aggressively through the air in the room. Eduardo, standing on the other side, grabs my arm again. I start babbling before he can say anything. “Eduardo, Lucila hasn’t shown up, and she’s never been late before. I’m worried she—”
“Enough,” he says, waving me off. “Forget about her.”
“But…”
“I said enough. Do you work for me or what?”
I sag my shoulders and let my head droop forward. It’s impossible for me to deal with all of these things at once. How could anyone handle this much? It’s inhuman. “Yes, Eduardo.”
“Good. Then do what I tell you. I need you to go serve the private room. There is a man in there; he will want a drink, yes?”
I give him a dumb nod and he releases me. “Go,” he barks, pointing towards the bar. “Now.”
I propel myself towards the bar. Why is this town so hungry? All it does is take and take. It has taken my friends, my husband, my dignity, and so much more. Lucila won’t ever return. The more I say that to myself, the truer it feels. She’s never coming back. Her son is probably hungry right now, and crying for his mother. But he doesn’t know that, most likely, she is drugged into unconsciousness and on her way to a life as some rich man’s toy. No one deserves that kind of fate.
I’m sinking into a spiraling depression. My hands move on their own accord as I reach the bar, grabbing a tray and a set of glasses, filling them with ice, tucking a towel into my back pocket. Tomas, from the far end of the bar, gives me a curious eyebrow raise, but I ignore him. I wouldn’t know what to say anyway. He can’t help Lucila anymore than I can.
I turn to go to the private room. It sits tucked behind the stage at the end of a short ramp. Big double doors, covered in plush red velvet, separate it from the main area. Most of the time, the guys who rent the private room are hitmen who’ve just finished a major contract, or capos celebrating the close of a new shipment. They are always the drunkest and cruelest. They think they are invincible. I hate serving them.
When desert tortoises get scared, they pull their head into their shells. They shut the world out, pretend it doesn’t exist. As if closing one’s eyes makes the predators disappear. I suppose that tactic works, up until a certain point. Either way, I feel like that’s what I’m doing, retreating into myself and leaving my emotions on the outside of my shell. I am more of a patchwork of skin and bone and blood than I am anything resembling a functioning human. I am inanimate. I am still.
Lucila is gone, yes, but so is everything else. I want to squeeze my eyes shut tight and keep it that way forever. How long can I keep this up? How long can I pretend this awful world isn’t real? I don’t know, but I’m willing to find out. Retreat, deny, delude. Hide from it all. There’s no room for caring or connection in this life. The second you show you care about someone, men in black come swooping in to abuse her body and take her away. To sell her, if Clarissa’s intuition is right. And why wouldn’t it be? I can’t think of a worse fate, and that seems to be what fate has in store for girls like Lucila and me. Pain, suffering, and just enough of the good things that the bad things stand out that much starker.
I shiver. The air is cold, but my heart is colder.
I begin heading towards the foot of the ramp. I’m lost, not quite in thought, but in some soundless, lightless region deep in my own head. As I walk, a flash of silver snags my eye. I see Eduardo on the other side of the room. His hands gesticulate, waving through the air like they always do when he is nervous. I wonder why he is pointing at me.
Then I see them.
The men in black from last night are confronting him. Even from here, I can tell that their fists are clenched. The downward slope of their shoulders has a violent tilt to it, like someone preparing to explode in rage. Their mouths bob up and down furiously. They must be yelling, demanding something. What could they want? Why are they here?
It doesn’t take long for me to find out. Eduardo extends one chubby finger in my direction, and they turn to follow it. They see me. We lock eyes. I freeze.
They want me.
My brain takes note of every angle in an instant. The doorway to the club is too far; they’ll cut me off before I reach it. Ditto for the hallway leading to Eduardo’s office, as well as the one that opens towards the dancers’ room. The men leap over a couch and begin to run towards me. There’s only o
ne way to go: up the ramp. I drop my tray and sprint.
I guess rock bottom was still a ways to go.
Chapter 9
Vince
I’ve always hated strip clubs. Such a fucking desperate atmosphere in every single one of them. Sad girls and sadder men. Sure, there’s always that overly optimistic feminist angle you could take on it, that the dancers do it because they want to and they should be allowed to trade whatever parts of themselves they want, blah, blah, capitalism, blah. Whoop-de-fucking-do. That sounds great until you talk to them. It’s a shitty situation. Girls who don’t know what else to do with themselves, who are used to being treated shitty by the men in their lives. I may not be the world’s idea of a gentleman, but at least I’m not slapping women around when they talk back to me. Usually, I’m gone before they ever get the chance to.