by Louisa Line
I snuggle back into the covers and close my eyes. I just want to stay here until the pain has gone. The door has other plans though as the banging starts up again. I pull the covers up over my head as I really can’t handle hearing his voice again. Not only do I hear it when he comes around banging on my door but also in my sleep when I am dreaming of having a normal relationship. It seems so real that my heart shatters every time I wake up and the realisation of my situation returns.
“Don’t be leaving a pregnant hormonal woman outside here! Jess! Let me in now!” I’m startled by the voice of my best friend, but I still can’t muster up the energy to move.
“Look, Jess. I know you’re hurting, but you have to talk to someone. Please, just let me in. Come on, I have to pee!” I manage a weak chuckle at this and before I realise what I’m doing I make my way out of the bedroom and to the door where I am unlocking all the extra locks I have put in place before I walk away and sit down on the sofa. It’s a matter of seconds before I hear a key turning in the lock and my door opening. I sit rigid on the sofa until I hear the door softly close and I then have the courage to turn around. I’m relieved, but yet strangely disappointed to see that it is only Claire standing in the doorway but as I see her a flood of tears well in my eyes and start to flow down my face.
“Oh, Jess,” she says as she rushes towards me and sweeps me into a hug. She then sits herself next to me on the sofa.
“What are you doing?” she asks. I can’t do anything but shake my head. It’s all too raw in my head and my heart to be discussing this. I know she will not leave it alone though. She never has.
“Jess, I’m your best friend. Talk to me. Please.” I shake my head again as I cry harder into her shoulder. Then I say the one thing that I know I can say without damaging my already shattered soul.
“I’m sorry.”
“Sorry? What do you mean sorry?” she asks, confusion evident in her face.
“The baby, badgering you. I shouldn’t have.”
“Oh Jess, let’s not worry about that now, it’s forgotten. It’s you I’m worried about. Here, this was outside the door.” She hands me a small envelope with my name written on the front. I know straight away it’s from Steve. I push it back towards her.
“I can’t,” I say shaking my head.
“Can I?” she asks. I shrug my shoulders, part of me desperate to know what’s going on and the other part terrified of what could be in it. Claire finds a corner that’s open a little and tears the top off the envelope. I’d never realised how much an envelope being torn open sounds like a heart being ripped apart. She turns the envelope upside down and along with a small folded piece of paper a key falls into her hand. It takes me seconds to realise what it is.
“What’s… Oh. Is this?” She doesn’t need to continue as I am already nodding as more tears fall.
“What does it say?” I ask knowing I’m not going to want to hear the answers no matter what it says.
Only because it’s what you want and you’re too special to me to cause you this much pain.
As Claire reads the note tears start to fall down her face.
“I can’t do this,” I say as I rush out of the lounge and back into the bedroom. I sit on the bed as the panic starts to build. Before I know it, I’m fighting for breath and then it all goes dark.
I’m sat by my window looking out at the world and see a small child rush out of the block of flats. It’s strange as I don’t recall ever seeing this child before and think to myself that a new person must have moved in. It’s not long before I see a couple emerge out of the doors and call for the child to stop. They seem oddly familiar as they fuss around the child making sure her coat is done up and she has her scarf wrapped around her neck. The woman starts to turn and begins to look up at the window.
It’s then I am gently shaken from behind and I’m so startled I suddenly jolt upright. I blink a few times until I realise where I am and I’m confused because I’m in my bedroom with Claire gently shaking me.
“You had a panic attack.”
“But I was? The family. I knew them. They…” I blink a few times to ground myself.
“Jess, lay down on the bed. I knew I should have come around sooner.”
“Claire, I saw you. You were… you had a little girl.”
“Jess, did you bang your head?” she points down to her belly, “I’m only just over a month gone.”
“You were with a man. Oh Claire, you were so happy,” I say smiling as I remember my dream.
She responds with “I’m calling a doctor.”
Claire starts to move and the fog starts to lift from my brain.
“Claire. I know it was just a dream, but don’t you see? It’s why I can’t be with Steve.” I bite my lip fighting with all I have inside me to not let the tears come. I know I have to be strong. I know I have to move on.
“Jess, you’re not making any sense.” I can hear the worry in Claire’s voice.
“He is going to wake up one day and realise that he has put his entire life on hold to be with me.”
“On hold? Jess you’re not…” I don’t let her finish.
“Don’t you get it? I can’t get pregnant or have a baby, or even do something as simple as go out for a drink with my boyfriend. I can’t let him do that with his life. He will only end up hating me.”
“Has he said he wants kids?” she asks. I think this over and realise we have never actually discussed it but what’s the point, it will never happen. Not with the amount of drugs I have to take to just live my meaningless existence.
“Doesn’t everyone?” I fire back, “And you know I can’t. I will not and cannot bring a child into this world with the amount of medication I’m on. What type of drugged up mess would that be? And the mother and daughter things?”
“But it’s not forever, Jess,” she pleads.
“How do you know?” The question is left hanging there like a giant white elephant in the room and then I get my answer as Claire embraces me in a hug and I lose my battle as the tears start to fall.
“I don’t think I can actually cry anymore,” I say with a forced smile on my face. Claire just sits with me while I cry on her shoulder and then sob into my pillow.
“When did you last eat?” she asks.
I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know.”
“Right I’m making you soup and then you are going to get yourself cleaned up. I can’t leave while you’re like this.” She gets up and walks into the kitchen. I can hear her opening and shutting doors and then it hits me.
“Claire, what day is it?” I have a sudden fear I already know the answer but hope that my calculations are wrong.
“It’s Friday. I can see we are going to have to order in. Do you know how empty your cupboards are?”
I’m just about to reply when the buzzer sounds for the intercom. I start to shake as Claire walks back into the room.
“Should I get… Oh crap. Jess what’s up?” she asks as she looks over at me.
“I can’t get it,” I say shaking, “Please?”
“Sure, but what…” You can see the moment Claire realises why I am shaking as without another word she leaves the bedroom and from what I can hear answers the buzzer. I jump up and shut the bedroom door. Feeling only slightly better that there is a barrier between me and my delivery.
I wait. My eyes fixed on the door. I hear Claire talking but it’s muffled and I cannot make out what she is saying. It seems like forever before there is a gentle knock on the door.
“Jess, it’s me. Can I come in?” The breath I hadn’t realised I had been holding in is released as I register Claire’s voice. The handle turns and she walks in.
“It wasn’t him,” she says in a soft voice, “James is back.” I feel a sudden stab in my heart and have to remind myself that I was the one that did this and that I only have myself to blame.
“Good,” I say. I don’t actually mean it at all but know I have to start believing it.
&
nbsp; “Jessica, you don’t have to be brave in front of me,” she says softly.
“No, but I do for me,” I reply as I get up and go into the kitchen to make us something to eat.
We have finished our soup and I have just got out of the shower that Claire insisted I took. I’ve put on a fresh pair of PJ’s and am now wandering back into the living room.
“You look a little better,” Claire says looking over at me with a weak smile. I only wish I felt better. If only a shower could wash away these feelings. At least I did it now before it hurt even more when he did it to me later.
“I feel it,” I lie.
“The guy said he hadn’t seen Steve in work for a few days.”
“Claire!” I warn, not wanting to talk about it, “I’ve told you why. Now drop it.”
“Fine, it’s dropped. But I am going to have to leave in a few days and I don’t want to leave you like this.” Tears form in her eyes as she speaks.
“I’ll be fine,” I lie, wishing I could believe it myself.
Wednesday 16th August
It’s been over two weeks since Claire went back to her parents and that was only because I threatened her with actual bodily harm if she didn’t go. It’s not that I didn’t love having her around. It was just she reminded me of everything I couldn’t have. She kept saying she was worried about me and wouldn’t leave. I love her dearly, but all I really wanted was to be alone. Funny since all I’ve ever wanted up to this point is to be out and around people living a normal life. Well my life is certainly real now.
Each day life has gotten a little easier. My phone was now back on thanks to Claire who deleted everything for me. I couldn’t face seeing all the messages from Steve. She was a little sneaky about doing it though. She said she was popping out for food and came back saying my phone had been sorted and that I wasn’t to worry about having it on anymore. I really didn’t know if that was a good or bad thing though. She had even checked on my delivery and has had it confirmed that James is back and will be my permanent delivery driver again.
I still had one hurdle to face and that was changing the bed sheets. They had stopped smelling of Steve a long time ago, but I still couldn’t do it. I now found myself sleeping on his side of the bed and had even found a t-shirt he had left here which I had recently started to wear. I hadn’t told Claire that little fact on our now twice daily calls, but I told her today I was going to change the sheets. I was just having a really hard time doing it.
I stand in my bedroom just staring at the bed. I hope that if I stare at it long enough, maybe it will magically do itself so I don’t have to. Unsurprisingly, it doesn’t happen. I lift the pillow from my old side of the bed and start to remove the pillow case. I get it nearly off the pillow before the tears come and I throw it back on to the bed and make my way into the living room. I absentmindedly head towards the window and sit down. I briefly glance out before I realise what I am doing and get up. Since Steve, I try not to people watch anymore. I’ve been working on trying to change my mind-set and get myself out of the rut I have gotten myself into. As my therapist says, the best way to help myself is to start to believe in myself. I don’t know why but something causes me to take a second glance at the window and it’s then I see the movement. It’s quick, but I could have sworn it was Steve. I know it’s just wishful thinking though, since I haven’t heard from him since the note. A longing settles in my stomach and the pain of what I have done creeps in and I take myself back to the bedroom and hide myself away. The sheets can wait till tomorrow.
Thursday 17th August
So, how did it go yesterday?” Claire asks down the line. Yesterday seems like forever ago and I’m not sure I can face telling her the truth.
“Oh, you know,” I reply trying to sound as casual as possible.
“You didn’t do it, did you?” There is no judgement in her voice just concern.
The silence on the line speaks a thousand words, well, just one in this case. No.
“Jess, it’s been what, nearly a month and you’re still hurting. Just call him.”
“I can’t. Anyway, he has probably moved on by now.” My statement is met with a mumble down the line that I can’t make out but I don’t push. I know Claire is currently dealing with her own demons.
“Have you heard from,” I pause for a moment, “Him?” I ask. I refuse to use the sperm donors name since he is being such a dick.
“His court case was yesterday. He’s been put away. I’m not sure for how long.” I can hear the hurt in Claire’s voice. Since she has been back she has tried everything to make him acknowledge the baby but ‘The Twat’ isn’t having any of it.
“Any more thoughts on what you’re going to do?”
“Well done, changing the subject, Jess. Call him!” she states matter-of-factly.
“No,” I state firmly. I refuse to let the tears come. I have shed enough tears for Steve and it’s time to sort myself out, “Now, answer my question, Claire.”
“I think you’re being stupid Jess, but you already know that.” I did! It’s not as if this is the first time we have had either of these conversations. “He’s still the father, Jess,” she continues “my child will not grow up not knowing who its father is. I can’t and won’t do that.”
“But…”
“No Jess, end of conversation. This is my life and my baby.” It’s not the first time we have been here and I knew I needed to drop it before she lost it at me.
“How was your appointment?” I decide to move onto safer ground.
“It went really well. They still want to monitor me, but the morning sickness seems to be easing off a little.” Her tone starts to soften.
“That’s great news,” I say with the first genuine smile I’ve had in weeks.
“Oh, and your baby gifts came. Jess, you really have spent too much, but I love all of it. The teddy now sleeps by my tummy so baby can start getting used to it.”
We talk for a while longer until I realise that it’s time for my therapy session. We say our goodbyes and I settle on the sofa to await my call.
Tuesday 29th August
It’s been a little over a month since I split with Steve and I still have a pain in my stomach every time I think about him. I keep being told it will get easier, but I really don’t know when this is meant to happen. Of course, I tell Claire how I am doing better. I’m not totally sure Claire believes me but she doesn’t argue. Just like I don’t ask about ‘The Twat’ since we have found our conversations are much happier and back to their normal jokey ways if we don’t. Of course, I fake my smiles and my laughs. I’m not sure I will ever be able to smile or laugh for real ever again. A part of me was lost the day I lied to Steve and sent him on his way. At least I can now think about him without crying. Well, most of the time.
I have been trying to keep myself busy and the therapy has been going well. Having a more positive attitude has played a large part in this. Although, it has to be said, my relationship with Steve helped too. I even managed to open the door to the postman yesterday. A small victory! I can’t wait to tell Claire about it when she phones today.
I’m sat on the sofa reading since I have found it a healthier way of spending my time than sitting in front of the window longing for the outside world. I hear a distant ringing and realise it’s my phone. I put the book down and search around the living room. I know I had it in here yesterday. I finally find it buried under a pile of paperwork I had been going through for work. I pick it up but don’t recognise the number so throw it back down a little frustrated before going back to my book. A few minutes later it rings again but seeing it’s the same number I continue to ignore it.
By the fifth time of ringing I’m beginning to get a little curious so I decide to bite the bullet and answer.
“Hello?”
“Oh, Jess, thank god.”
“Claire?” It sounds like her but what worries me is the hint of panic I can hear in her voice.
“Claire, is everythin
g OK? The baby?” I start to feel the panic in my chest.
“No Jess, the baby is fine, but I need to tell you something.” The tone in her voice is scaring me a little so I sit up and give her my full attention.
“Claire, what’s going on?” I can hear the panic starting to build in my own voice.
“Something… Jess, please don’t get mad.”
“What? Why would I be mad?” I’m confused and find myself getting a little frustrated. “Claire, just tell me. What have you done?” I demand.
“I’m sorry. But I knew you would regret it one day so I had to do it.” Do what? I really don’t know what she is talking about but I keep quiet waiting to hear what she has to say.
“It… it’s Steve!” My heart stops and my stomach falls to the floor as my whole world comes crashing down around me. I knew he would move on one day, but how would Claire know? I’m too scared to speak for fear of what might happen if I do, so I stay quiet waiting to hear the inevitable.
“I’ve been keeping in touch with him to see how he was doing. He’s not been good, Jess.” These words break me and the tears come. I thought I was doing him a favour. I thought he would just move on.
“Why are you telling me this now?” I find my voice and somehow it sounds a lot stronger than I thought it would. Is she trying to hurt me? Oh God! Was I right all along and she is telling me that they’ve got together?
“Jess… There’s been an accident.”
I drop the phone in shock. I can hear her calling my name, but I can’t pick it up as I am frozen in fear. I’ve lost him, I know I have. I hear a shout come through the line as I pick the phone up again.
“What happened? Is he…” I can’t finish as tears stream down my face.
“He’s at the hospital, Jess. I know I shouldn’t be telling you this, but…” I don’t let her finish.
“Which hospital?” I all but scream down the line at her. Claire gives me the details and I hang up not waiting to hear what else she has to say. Without thinking, I grab my coat and my shoes and I’m out the front door. I get to the elevator and press the button. It’s taking far too long. I need to get out as soon as possible.