“I apologize. I guess I’m not ready to talk about money yet. That is a really personal subject to me,” Rico said calmly, trying to restore peace between them. Where is all of this coming from? He wondered why she was suddenly becoming so serious, as if she had some sort of deadline.
“I know that it is and that is the reason why we really need to talk about it,” she said. She started getting the feeling that he was hiding something, and with her investigative spirit, she was sure to find out just what it was.
“I understand. Can we do that later? I don’t want to ruin our evening,” Rico said, wanting to avoid the money conversation as much as possible. He didn’t earn a ton of money and his financial situation wasn’t the best, but that wasn’t the reason he didn’t want to talk about it. He knew that he was not in a position to marry Raegan for far greater reasons than finances and she couldn’t know that.
CHAPTER 30
∞
The waitress came by a few times but they waved her off in the middle of their heated discussion. From afar, she could see that their conversation was less intense. Walking over to them, she asked if they were ready to place their order. They ordered their meals and sat quietly for a few moments. The silence became unbearable so Rico posed a question to Raegan in an attempt to lighten the mood.
“What are you going to do with your family during the holidays?”
“I can’t wait,” she said excitedly. “I miss them all so much. My brother is graduating from college soon, so that’s exciting. I am looking forward to spending time with him. It’s been a while since I last saw much of my family, so I am planning to have a great time during the week I’m there.”
“Are you going to help cook?”
“Of course I am! You know I love to cook. I’ll be making the dressing and oven-baked macaroni and cheese. I’m also baking the cake,” said Raegan.
“Oh, that sounds delicious.”
“It is. What does your family usually do,” Raegan asked with a forced smile, hoping to get through the evening as quickly as possible.
“Well, it’s just my mom and I, so I am going home to visit with her for a few days and then I’m heading right back to work. She usually cooks ham, dressing, greens, chitterlings and a bunch of sweets. I know that’s a lot for two people but she usually gives food away to her neighbors and donates a couple of sweets to the church for the holiday dinner. Her church usually hosts a dinner for the homeless and poverty-stricken people in the area.”
“That’s very nice,” she said as the waiter returned with their food. She had only ordered salad. After that money conversation, she didn’t really want to spend much more time with him. She would find some excuse to not finish their date and have him drive her home. He isn’t really serious about a future with me, she thought. He was starting to waste her time.
“Oh, your salad looks good.”
“Thanks,” she said. “Your steak looks great as well.” He had a six-ounce sirloin, sweet potatoes and grilled vegetables. She did the honors of blessing the food so that they could go ahead and eat. Dinner was pretty quiet from there on out. He tried to start a conversation a few times but she was no longer interested. She couldn’t believe the type of attitude he had when she wanted to discuss something serious with him. All was well when they discussed what he wanted to talk about, but not when she wanted to discuss something serious and put all of his talking to the test. She was so disgusted with him. There was no way he was serious about getting married, at least not as soon as he led her to believe.
Her guess was he already got what he wanted and he was using the marriage idea to keep getting it. How could she have fallen for this trickery? Wasn’t this the reason that she decided to become celibate in the first place? To have a clear mind and heart when it came to relationships. To not allow anything to get in the way of her making the right decisions. To not be distracted by soul ties. Her stomach was now starting to hurt and became the perfect out for her to be able to get back home into her bed. Alone.
“My stomach is hurting, Rico. I think I’m going to have to cut this date short. I really need to get home,” she said, scrunching up her face and wrapping her arms around her torso to corroborate her story.
“You don’t look so well either. Is it the food?” he asked as he reached into his back pocket to pull out his wallet. He removed his credit card and placed it inside of the bill jacket that the waiter had delivered to their table. He held it in the air for a quick second to notify the waiter that he was ready to pay the bill.
The waiter quickly returned to their table, asking once more if the two would like dessert. After they responded in the negative, the waiter quickly grabbed the check and his card and left to close out their bill.
“I’m not sure, I’m just feeling a little queasy,” she lied. She really only wanted to get out of his presence. She was still upset from the way he carried on earlier about the money situation. This relationship wasn’t going in the direction that she had thought it was going. Part of her wanted to break it off at that very moment, but she felt as if she had invested so much of herself in such a short period of time. She had invested her body. She had been celibate for several years and she let her guard and her God down for him.
She wasn’t quite sure how she had gotten to such a place, but there she was. She didn’t know what to do next. Because she had given herself to him, she felt as if she needed to try to work the relationship out. She was quite sure that she wouldn’t be in this place had she not slept with him, and in such a short period of time. The more she thought about it, the more she became physically ill. She really needed to get out of there and get her life together. Although she was disgusted with him, she was becoming even more disgusted with herself.
“Let’s get you home then,” he said. The waiter moved quickly. He had already returned with his receipt. Rico added a tip and signed the receipt. He stood from the table and reached for her hand to help her out of her seat. As they walked to the door, he noticed that the valet was already bringing his car around. The waiter had notified valet that they were getting ready to leave. Nice service, he thought. More restaurants should operate like this.
The ride home was pretty quiet. Raegan had an excuse to be quiet. She wasn’t feeling well and he didn’t want to bother her. He just wanted her to rest. She didn’t know where to go from there, she realized, as she rode in silence, staring at the dark blue sky lit with a star here and there. She needed someone to talk to about all of this. Kensi or Caleb. She would have liked to talk to Caleb, but she knew that he couldn’t be very objective because he wanted to be involved in a relationship with her again. She would talk to Kensi, who had nothing to gain or lose by sharing her views. She knew that Kensi’s thoughts would pretty much echo her own feelings but she still needed to hear them. Sometimes things just made more sense coming from someone else, she thought.
“Do you need any help getting into the house?” he asked as he turned down her street.
“No, I will be fine. I’m just going to go inside and crash across my bed,” she said, hoping to indicate that she would not be available to talk on the phone later that night. She was so caught up in her thoughts that she didn’t even realize that they had already made it back to her subdivision.
“Alright. I will walk you to your door then,” he said, pulling into her driveway. He immediately put his car in park, jumped out and quickly walked around to the passenger side of the car to open the door for her.
“Thank you,” she said, reaching out her hand so that he could help her out of the car.
Rico walked her to her door and attempted to kiss her on the lips. She gave him her cheek, again using the excuse of not feeling well. He accepted it, gave her a hug and waited for her to unlock her door, enter and flip on the light before walking back to his car.
CHAPTER 31
∞
Tammy went back into her grandmother’s room, where her grandmother appeared to be resting. Her mom sat at her gran
dmother’s side, holding her hand with her head bowed.
“No, Granny,” she whispered as she inched toward the bed and touched her foot. She thought her grandmother had passed away.
“Stop trying to tickle me,” her grandmother said with a faint smile. Because her grandmother had lost so much weight, she could feel the slightest touch. Her body was very frail. From where she once weighed 150 pounds, she was only 89 pounds lying in that hospital bed. Her grandmother hated that her children and grandchildren had to see her that way. “Come here Tammy,” her grandmother commanded.
“I’m right here,” Tammy said as she moved closer to the bed and took hold of her granny’s hand again.
“I need you to be strong. Your mother is going to need you baby.” Her voice almost a whisper.
“Okay, I will do my best,” Tammy said, trying to hold back tears. She never had anyone trying to prep her for death before.
“Baby,” her grandmother said as she peered up at her with a questioning look on her face. “Are you pregnant?”
Out of all of the things her granny could have said or asked, why in the world would she ask that? “No, granny, there is nothing in this oven.”
“I’m just asking. I just want to let you know that I did dream about fish and you know what that means. Somebody is pregnant or about to become pregnant.”
“Well, I can assure you that it isn’t me,” Tammy said, smiling as she rubbed the back of her grandmother’s hand.
Just then, her grandmother started to cough uncontrollably and the nurse rushed into the room at the beckon of Tammy pressing the call button. Tammy felt so helpless. She didn’t know whether Granny just needed a drink of water or if she was taking her last breath. This was too much to bear! She moved out of the room with her head down. “What’s wrong, Tammy?” her mother asked, quickly stepping outside behind her.
“I just don’t know how to deal with this, Momma. How am I supposed to deal with this?”
“Baby, it’s going to be all right, we have to accept it,” her mother said, trying to convince Tammy as well as herself, while pulling her into her arms.
While they were embracing, the nurse stepped into the hallway and Tammy and her family re-entered the room.
Tammy’s mom took a deep breath, arms and legs shaking, and walked into her mother’s room. She walked in, along with her sisters, to tell her mother one last time that she loved her. After the brief exchange of I love yous, her mother took her last breath. The machine’s steady beeps suddenly changed to one long, sad beep. The nurse walked in and turned the machine off and stood to the side, as not to interrupt. Tammy’s mom moved over to the seat beside the bed, joined by her family, and sat down next to her mother for the last time and silently cried.
Although they all knew it was about to happen, it wasn’t any easier to accept: Granny was no longer with them.
After consoling one another, the family parted ways, each with their own task to finalize their grandmother’s memorial arrangements.
Tammy left the hospital with her mother. The drive to her mom’s house was silent. They both spent the time thinking about Granny Rose, and they knew there were no words at the time that would make the situation better. When they arrived at the place where Tammy grew up, and always referred to as home, they worked at their assigned task in preparing for grandmother’s homegoing services.
Once arrangements had been made and coordinated with her sisters, Tammy’s mom asked, “Will you please start calling relatives to inform them that the services will take place on Saturday?”
“Yes ma’am,” Tammy said, wishing she could take her mom’s pain away. Just as she replied and her mom stepped out of the room, Josh called. She went back and forth with herself about whether or not she should answer, but decided that she would, hoping that it would lift her spirits just a bit. She stepped out of the house for a moment to take the call.
“Hey there,” she said, with an attempt to mask her sadness. She pulled her sweater tighter as she slowly paced back and forth in the front yard.
“Hey Tammy.” He could tell by the way her voice sounded that something was wrong. When she explained what happened, he said, “I’m so sorry Tammy, I’ll be there on the first available flight out on tomorrow.”
“You don’t have to do that, but it will mean a lot to me if you can make it to the services on Saturday. I think Granny would have wanted that.”
“Consider it done. I will arrive on Thursday to help out with anything that needs to be done.”
“Thanks, Josh,” she said, smiling and thankful.
“No problem. Please call me in the meantime if you need anything. I mean that.”
“That means a lot to me Josh...I have to go help my mom now, so I will talk with you later,” she said, bringing the conversation to an end.
“Okay. I will touch base with you later in the week,” he said, reluctantly ending the call. He wanted to call her later that day and talk with her as much as he could, but he didn’t want to push her. He also knew that now probably wasn’t the best time with the recent passing of her grandmother.
“Thanks. I will talk to you then. Bye sweetheart,” Tammy said, ending the call. She held the phone to her chest and closed her eyes for a moment. She said a quick prayer for her family, especially her mother, and went back inside the house to start calling family with the details of Granny’s memorial services.
CHAPTER 32
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The service was beautiful, though Tammy didn’t like the viewing of the body before the service. The person lying in that casket looked nothing like her Granny. It was just a lifeless body covered with make-up and clothes that was supposed to be her. Granny would never wear all of that make-up, but she understood that they were trying to make Granny look her best. Her mother made sure that Granny was wearing a pretty dress in her favorite color—purple.
A few friends and family members paid tribute to Granny when asked if anyone had anything they wanted to share. At a time when she wanted to cry, she laughed. One of her cousins stood at the mic saying stuff that didn’t make any sense at all. It was so funny and caused everyone else to giggle a little bit too. She may not have been trying to lighten the mood but she really did. One of her aunts sang Granny’s favorite song; another cousin wrote and read a poem. It was all very touching.
After the service, they went to the gravesite to pray one last time before her body was lowered into the dark, deep hole in the ground. Tammy was happy to have Joshua, Raegan, Michelle and Kensi there to support her and her family. After leaving the gravesite, they went back to the fellowship hall of the church for the repast. The mood lightened a bit as they shared food and stories about her grandmother. Granny would have been happy to know that all of her family had come together to celebrate her. They hadn’t had a family reunion in about sixteen years. Tammy thought that it would be a good idea to talk with her mom about planning a reunion sometime over the next year or two. She didn’t want the only time they came together to be weddings and funerals. She was sure that her grandma would have wanted this and that it was good for the family as well.
When the weekend ended, and everyone returned home, Joshua stayed behind. He felt that Tammy needed him and he did not want to abandon her at a time like this. Besides, it was holiday season and he wanted to make sure her memories for holiday seasons to come weren’t all sad thoughts.
Tammy took advantage of having Joshua around for a little while longer. She released her feelings and he enjoyed being a listening ear. Joshua took advantage of any additional time that he could get with her as well. He helped clean her grandmother’s home, ran errands for her mother and even cooked dinner a few times. Tammy’s mother was very appreciative because she was still having a difficult time, although things were getting better. It helped to have someone around to pick up the slack.
In order to lift Tammy’s spirits even more, Joshua asked Tammy out to dinner one night, after cooking dinner for her mother and brother. He wanted
her to see him as more than just an estranged husband who was there for her in her time of need. He wanted her to begin seeing some type of future with him again.
“Tammy, I have to leave town to get back for my game, but I’d like to spend some time alone with you before I leave, if you’re okay with that,” he said as he walked over next to her, his tall frame towering over her.
“That’s fine. What do you have in mind?” she asked, looking up at him. She actually needed time away to breathe fresh air and to take her mind off of her loss and all of the sadness.
“I made dinner for your mom and brother but I’d like to take you out so that we can talk. Is that all right with you?”
“Okay, where do you want to go?” she asked slowly, thinking that he must already have a plan.
“I’ll let you choose.”
“Hmmm…Let’s go to Pappadeaux. I love their shrimp, boudain and crabfingers. I have a taste for that right about now.”
“I’m ready when you’re ready,” Joshua said, grateful that they were going to get some time alone.
Getting hungrier just thinking about it, she said, “I’m ready now. Let me first tell my mom that I’m stepping out with you for a while and check to see if she needs anything.” Tammy went to the kitchen to find her mom and brother preparing their plates to eat the baked chicken, baked macaroni and cheese and green beans that Joshua had cooked. “Hey guys, I’m going to go out with Joshua for a while. Do you need anything before we leave?” she asked. Her mom looked at her brother as he shook his head no while scarfing down the food.
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