by Chloe Walsh
I nodded, biting down hard on my lip, as I arched upwards, my body chasing something I wasn’t quite sure of, but knew I'd do just about anything to reach it. "Are you?"
"You feel …" he shuddered, "I … you're everything to me." He picked up speed, gently at first, and then he moved faster, harder, and rougher inside of me and I loved every second of it.
The soft moans coming from my throat became louder and louder until I was screaming in ecstasy.
Jordan seemed to thrive on my screams; as he circled himself inside of me, his thumb found my clitoris, and that’s when I went a little crazy.
He growled.
I moaned.
He hissed.
I cried out.
His lips parted, his body spasmed and I …
"What the hell are you doing?" a voice roared, breaking through the silence of our heavy breathing, tearing my good nerves to pieces.
The shame ... the pure, raw undiluted shame …
Jordan's father stood in the bedroom doorway with his mouth hanging open.
"Get out of here, Dad," Jordan hissed.
Oh. My. God.
Jordan shielded my body with his, which didn’t help much since his naked ass was sticking up in the air. I did the only thing I could think of. I grabbed the closest object on Jordan's nightstand to me and threw it at him.
It just so happened to be an apple.
"His daughter? Really, Jordan – my best friend's baby girl?" I heard Derek moan and I clenched my eyes shut. "Couldn’t you have picked a girl who is less likely to have a homicidal father?"
"I love her," Jordan replied calmly. "I always have. That's not changing."
"He's going to kill you," Derek rambled. "He's going kill me – I've got to talk to Lee about this."
"Mom's getting a divorce," Jordan announced, and Derek froze on the spot. "I have to go back," he added. "Tonight – she needs me to help her with some … things."
"Do you …" Derek's voice caught in his throat and he seemed to struggle for a moment before letting out a shuddering sigh. "… you want me to come with you?" he finally asked in a voice thick with emotion. "Is she okay?"
"No," Jordan replied coldly. "But she will be. I'll take care of her. I've talked to Uncle Danny and he and Cindy will put her up for as long as she needs."
"Fine." Shaking his head, Derek turned for the bedroom door and said, "Put your clothes on Hopey-bear. I'll drop you home."
Ugh … "Okay, Uncle Derek," I said with a wince.
When Derek left the room, Jordan cupped my cheek and rubbed my nose with his. "I'll come back for you," he whispered. "I promise."
****
Jordan
Age 21
(Seven days later)
My life had been a complicated tornado of events, emotions and mixed signals.
Sound pathetic?
Perhaps it did, but that didn’t change the truth, and maybe I was pathetic.
I had my own definition of the word.
Pathetic was being fourteen-years-old and repeatedly having to watch your mother being beaten by the animal who, less than a week beforehand, vowed before God to honor and cherish her.
What a crock of shit.
Pathetic was my father who, after eighteen years, still preferred to keep company with a ghost.
Pathetic was me.
For not defending myself – for allowing the things that were done to me happen without a goddamn fight.
Pathetic was a twenty-one year old man who couldn’t stop …
No!
Clenching my eyes shut, I balled my hands into fists and forced the images and memories from my mind.
Block it out!
My goal in life was simple now: get as far away from Colorado and Idaho as I could. I wasn’t picky, any place would do, but I had one small problem.
I had to tell Hope Carter I wasn’t taking her with me.
Hope had been the very essence of my being for twenty-one years and, to be brutally honest, I didn’t have a clue how I was going to get over her, but I knew I couldn’t be with her.
I had sent her a text message on the drive up to Colorado saying I needed space, but even then I knew that wasn’t enough. Hope wouldn’t let me go without a fight, but I sure as hell needed her to because the thought of her ever finding out about me caused me physical fucking pain – worse than anything that bastard had caused ...
"Jordan, I really don’t think this is a good idea," Dad muttered as we pulled up outside the red-bricked two-storey house in Thirteenth Street. His jaw was tensed, his face set in a deep frown.
I really couldn’t care less about what my father thought was a good idea or bad.
It didn’t matter to me anymore.
None of it did.
"You're going to break her heart," Dad continued, oblivious to my lack of interest. "Kyle knows something is up, Jordan. I had to lie to him," he hissed. "I told him I caught you two making out last week and that's why I'm so upset, but he's not stupid."
Kyle could kiss my ass.
They all could.
Besides, after today Kyle Carter wouldn’t have to worry about me.
I was letting her go.
They had all gotten what they wanted. I was stepping out of Hope's life. She was better off without me anyway. She had a future ahead of her: a bright future, a loving family, and a stable home life.
I realized that now.
Hope Carter was going places. The girl I loved more than life itself was going to shine like the star she was born to be, and I, for once in my goddamn life, wasn’t going to drag her down to my level.
"Please, Jordan," Dad whispered. "Let me tell them what happened," he choked out in a pained voice as if the thought disgusted him. It disgusted me. "We can help you. You don’t have to leave."
"No," I said deadpan. "You gave me your word you wouldn’t tell a soul."
"Did you take your meds?" Dad asked after a long pause, changing the subject. "You feeling any better?"
I closed my eyes briefly and counted to ten. As if he even fucking cared. If he knew the half of what I'd been through because of his precious fucking Camryn, he'd shoot himself.
God knows I'd wanted to do it to myself enough times.
"Jordan," Dad said softly. "I know how you're feeling."
You don’t have a fucking clue. "I'm sure you do," was my response and it was forced and layered with sarcasm.
"I've been through a breakdown." Dad glanced nervously at my wrists and then at the windscreen. "I love you, buddy, and I will do whatever it takes to make this better."
Liar. "Thanks." I pulled the sleeves of my shirt down to cover my scars and inhaled a calming breath.
"Well, I promised I'd get you here," Dad muttered, as he killed the engine and sat back in his seat. "But I still think you should reconsider."
I stared out the passenger window of the car and said, "This won't take long." Inhaling deeply, I focused on the top floor window of the house where the curtains were moving. My heart rate spiked and I felt lightheaded.
Unbuckling my belt, I climbed out of the car and reluctantly made my way up the porch steps with my father by my side, carrying a goddamn pizza.
When we reached the doorway, Dad walked straight into the house, but I took a moment to calm my nerves and force back my guilt.
I was doing the right thing here.
I had to do this.
Hope deserved a man who could give her more. I couldn’t. I was too fucking damaged and screwed up beyond repair. Love wasn’t enough in this instance. Me loving her wasn’t enough to erase the pain and her loving me couldn’t fix my broken pieces. I was too fucking damaged: therefore I needed to set her free.
"Jordan," Lee said in a soft tone, meeting me in the hallway. "I'm so glad you could come," she told me before wrapping her arms around me. "How's your mom?"
"Thanks for having me, Mrs. Carter. And Mom's doing better," I added softly, stepping back from Hope's mother, feeling furious that Dad ha
d obviously let something slip about what happened in Idaho … "Uncle Danny is keeping an eye on her until she gets back on her feet."
"That's good." Lee smiled up at me. "I hope things get better for her. For all of you."
"Yeah." I nodded stiffly. "Me too."
"Jordan," Lee said in a coaxing tone. "Are you … is everything okay?"
"I …"
I paused and pinched the bridge of my nose. I wanted to tell her, but I couldn’t get the damn words out. Clenching my eyes shut, I exhaled heavily. "Is she here?" Opening my eyes again, I looked down at Lee and whispered, "Is she okay?"
"She's upstairs." Kyle's deep voice came from the kitchen doorway. Wrapping an arm around his wife's waist, Kyle pulled her to his side, never taking his eyes off my face. "You can go up," he added.
"Thanks, Mr. Carter," I acknowledged quietly before heading for the staircase.
"Don't hurt her," Kyle called after me. "And I won't hurt you. You got it?"
"Never planned on it."
Breaking it off with Hope was my way of making sure of that.
When I reached her bedroom door, I didn’t bother knocking. She knew I was here. Instead I slipped into the room and closed the door behind me. Taking a deep breath and turned around.
When my eyes locked on Hope's face, the pain that hit me directly in the chest was like nothing I'd ever experienced in my life. It was fucking excruciating and knowing what I was about do made it a million times worse.
Sitting cross-legged on her bed, Hope kept her big blue eyes on me as she said, "Care to explain that text message?"
And it was in that moment I realized this would be the hardest fucking thing I would ever do – walking away from that girl – walking away from my Hope.
But she could never know.
I'd rather peel my skin off than confess the truth.
Bracing myself for the pain I knew was about to impale my heart, I allowed the anger that was festering inside of my body take over.
Focusing everything on the fucking shame and disgust inside of me, I glared at the only girl I would ever love and lied through my goddamn teeth …
"It's over, Hope. I don’t want you anymore. This was one huge mistake."
****
Hope
Age 18
"It's over, Hope. I don’t want you anymore. This was one huge mistake ..."
My brows furrowed as I tried to contemplate what the fuck Jordan had just said to me. "Are you serious … I mean seriously?"
Jordan remained by with his back to my bedroom door, and for the first time in my life, he looked like a complete stranger to me.
Nodding stiffly, he said in a cold tone, "I'm serious."
I exhaled heavily – every ounce of air left my body – and my lungs felt like they had been set on fire. Pain coursed through me. I couldn’t speak. I could only shake my head and gape in horror.
"Something happened in Idaho when you went to collect your mother, didn’t it?" I blurted out, my brain suddenly clicking into gear. "With your mom?"
When he didn’t answer I said, "With Paul?"
Jordan's nostrils flared, his face turned red, and for the first time in my life I was afraid of him.
"I'm not your father, Hope," Jordan sneered as he moved away from the door and strode towards me. "That perfect love?" He leaned forward, getting in my face. "You won't get that from me."
"What are you talking about?" I sobbed, feeling incensed and fucking gutted. "Why are you behaving like this?"
"Because I'm not the person you think I am," Jordan all but roared in my face. "It's over, Hope. We're done, okay? Don’t push for more. You don’t want to know the truth."
"I do," I shot back angrily, as my temper flared. "Tell me. Give me a goddamn explanation for why you're behaving like this?"
Jordan remained silent and that's when I lost it.
"Fine," I screamed. "Suit yourself, Jordan," I cried. "Ruin your whole life! Wreck mine! Be the fucking asshole that’s deep inside you."
Grabbing my neck, Jordan dragged me forwards and plunged his lips to mine. The second his mouth touched mine, I lost a little of myself, but I soon found my senses.
Pushing him roughly away, I raised my hand and slapped him across his face. My hand stung, but I refused to show weakness.
"Don't ever touch me again," I spat, furious. "You think you can put that mouth on me? After what you just said?"
I shook my head in despair and blinked back the tears that were filling my eyes. "Give me something," I croaked out, staring up at the only boy I had ever loved. "This isn’t you. Tell me. Tell me!"
Every inch of his body shook as he now blocked me out, pushed me away "I don’t love you, Hope," he hissed, jabbing his finger in my face. "Happy now? You were a fucking mistake and I want out."
Lowering his head, Jordan Porter looked me directly in the eyes and said: "I. Don’t. Want. You."
I stood, frozen to the spot, my heart shattering in my chest as Jordan removed a folded brown envelope from his pocket and tossed it on the floor at my feet before leaving my room.
When I realized what that envelope held, the broken pieces of my heart turned to stone, my legs gave way beneath me and I crumpled to the floor.
Well, that just showed me …
Jordan Porter had never loved me. Oh, God! What was I going to do? I could barely breathe …
Suck it up, Carter!
Suck it up now …
Had he no shame – no soul or heart or anything inside his chest?
Well, I knew the truth now and I would not love him. If it killed me, I would not love that man again.
It stopped now!
Pressing that crinkled envelope against my chest, I promised myself that I would never let someone do this to me again.
I would never let another man do this to me. Never again! No way! I wouldn’t let anyone get close enough to hurt me. I would build a wall so damn high around my heart no one would ever penetrate it.
****
Jordan
"Jordan, are you okay?" Logan asked the second I reached the bottom step of the staircase.
Shaking my head, I grabbed my jacket off the banister and shrugged it on quickly. "Tell your sister I'm sorry," I muttered as I opened the front door.
I was close to freedom.
I could almost taste it – if I could just keep my feet moving and my mind blank.
I was almost there …
Stepping outside, I inhaled a deep breath and forced my legs to move. I was doing the right thing. I knew I was.
I felt someone grab my shoulder and my whole body shook violently. Every muscle in my body stiffened. I clenched my eyes shut and willed myself to calm down.
"Tell her yourself," Logan said quietly, removing his hand from my arm. "She deserves your words, Jordan," he said. "Not mine."
"My words aren’t worth a damn, Low," I growled as I continued down the path towards my father's car.
Jerking the car door open, I swung around to look at the kid who had grown up so much in the past few years he was barely recognizable anymore. "Tell Hope that I'm sorry and just … just take care of her for me, okay?"
"You're making a mistake," Logan called out, folding his arms across his chest. The wisest of the four Carter kids faced me with an expression of sadness etched on his face. "And you're wrong," Logan added. "Your words are the only words Hope wants – the only ones she'll hear."
"Take care of her."
Climbing into the driver's seat, I slammed the door shut before I could change my mind. I was doing the right thing for the both of us. Time would confirm this. And distance would keep her safe.
****
Part Two
The Present
Hope
(Present Day)
"You've done it again!"
"I have no idea what you're talking about," I lied in an even tone, without breaking my stride. I was in the process of wrapping up my latest book, my word count was at 79,989, and anyone w
ho had ever gotten that far into a story knew just hard those eleven little words could be to find. But knowing I would have to address the matter in hand, I breathed deeply, placed my hands on my lap, and leaned back in my chair.
My roommate, Teagan Connolly, stood in the doorway of my bedroom/office with her hands on her hips and her blonde hair splaying out in forty different directions.
"I've read ten chapters, Hope," she told me. "And Jordan's name is replacing the hero in every single one." She was holding a stack of stapled sheets of white paper in one hand and a highlighting pen in the other. She sighed as she added, "Hope, it has been seven years – almost a bloody decade – and you're still moping around the place like a pigeon shat on your head."
"One word, Teegs," I shot back calmly, using my shoeless foot to twist my chair from side to side. "Noah."
Teagan couldn’t talk.
She was in love with my Uncle Noah.
Yeah, it still felt incredibly weird calling him that, but there it was. Back when we were in high school, Noah's mom revealed he was my father's kid brother. Besides, I knew all about the smutty stack of MMA magazines under my friend's bed with he-who-shall-not-be-named's face etched all over the covers.
Teagan's face contorted in pain and I felt like a bitch for my actions.
"I'm going to pretend you didn’t just say his name in my presence," she told me in a shaky voice before slamming the stack of paper and the pen down on my desk. I noticed that her lip was quivering. "Your mom called again," she added. "She wants to know if you got anything unusual in the mail."
"No," I lied, shoving the invitation further underneath my keyboard. "Nothing new."
"Hope, I know about your parents' anniversary party tomorrow night – I got an invite too."
Stopping at the door, Teagan turned around and smiled sadly. "Lee knows you're still hurting over him. She wants to help you, Hope. Maybe you should talk to her about how you're feeling. Call the woman back."