by Susannah Nix
It was dark, but he didn’t bother switching on a light. Enough light from the courtyard slanted in through the blinds to see by. With slow, deliberate movements, he unwrapped her scarf from around her neck. It was all she could do to hold herself still when his fingers grazed her skin.
He tossed the scarf onto the couch. His hands settled on her hips, his fingers digging softly into her flesh as he urged her closer. She eased into his warmth and let his scent enfold her.
It would be so easy to lose herself in his comforting bubble. To melt right into him and never look back.
He reached up to stroke a single, trembling finger along her jaw. When she leaned into his touch, his mouth curved into a smile.
He bent his head toward her, and she rose up on her toes to meet him halfway. As their mouths crashed together, a tiny voice in the back of her head whispered that this was a bad idea. That it was going to end in disaster, probably. But she didn’t want to stop. It felt too good.
He wanted her, and she needed this. She needed to feel wanted and appreciated for once. She needed something good to happen to her.
Jonathan liked her. She just wanted to feel liked. Didn’t she deserve that? For once?
His hands went to her hips again, and he pushed her up against the door. He was crowding her again, his belt buckle pressing into her stomach as his hips pinned her in place.
She liked feeling his weight against her. She liked the taste of his tongue in her mouth, and the rasp of his beard on her lips. She liked the way he smelled, and the way his hands felt as they roamed over her body.
She liked him.
It had been a long time since she’d liked anyone this much. She’d almost forgotten the feeling. The exhilaration. The light-headedness. The lust.
His hands smoothed up her bare arms, then moved to her hair, tilting her head back to deepen the kiss. She scrabbled at the front of his shirt, her fingers fighting with the buttons.
The yellow light leaking in cast a golden glow over his exposed torso. His chest was smooth except for a small patch of dark hair in the middle that trailed down his stomach and disappeared below the waist of his pants. He groaned as her fingers traced it, ghosting over his bare skin.
Their mouths came together again, messy and fierce. Teeth clashing. Needy. When his glasses bumped her nose he yanked them off and tossed them onto the couch with her scarf.
He looked different without his glasses. Younger. More vulnerable. She reached up to stroke his jaw, and felt his pulse jump under her fingertips.
He kissed her forehead, then her temple. “I want you,” he murmured into her hair. “I’ve always wanted you, from the first moment I saw you.”
The tiny voice in Esther’s head started to whisper its warning again. But then Jonathan’s mouth was on hers again, and the last remnants of her reluctance melted away on his tongue like sugar.
His fingers dipped into the waistband of her jeans, and he stumbled backward, pulling her along with him through the apartment. To the bedroom. To his bed.
It was darker in there. She couldn’t see his face anymore. He kissed her again, softer than silk, light as air. She didn’t want soft and light though. She wanted rough and fierce. She wanted to devour him.
Arching against him, she dragged his mouth down to hers. Her teeth caught his lip and he let out a rough breath, digging his fingers into her skin. Desperate. Just like she was.
They groped for each other in the darkness, clumsily exploring with their hands as they undressed each other. The surface of Esther’s skin felt like it was rimed with ice, but Jonathan’s touch was warm and soothing. She wanted him everywhere, all at once, warming her from the inside out.
They fell onto the bed and he moved over her body, leaving a trail of soft kisses on her skin. Her hands glided up his arms and over his shoulders. He was so solid. So heavy. His muscles taut under her fingers.
His mouth found hers again, and she closed her eyes as they came together. Skin to skin. When he moved inside her, her fingernails curled into his back, leaving marks, probably. Pulling him deeper and deeper.
Never wanting to let go.
Esther woke with a start, her heart pounding in her chest. She was too warm, and there was something heavy draped over her waist, trapping her.
It was Jonathan’s arm.
She was in Jonathan’s bed. With Jonathan.
She’d slept with Jonathan.
The room glowed with lazy morning light. His bedspread was plaid, she could see now. Across the room, his closet door was open, exposing hanger after hanger of even more plaid.
He stirred behind her, and his arm tightened around her waist, pulling her closer. Yep, he was naked. They were both naked. Because they’d had sex last night. Great sex. Mind-blowing, off-the-charts sex. The kind of sex that made you fantasize about quitting your job so you could do nothing but have sex all day long.
“Hey,” he murmured into her hair.
“Hey yourself.” Her voice came out rough and scratchy.
His lips found her shoulder, mouthing a wet trail over her skin.
She closed her eyes, trying to enjoy it, but couldn’t help flinching as he moved up her neck.
He stopped kissing her. “What’s wrong?”
“Your beard tickles.”
“Oh yeah?” He rubbed his beard against her neck and she twisted away, turning onto her back. Even though it felt like it was a hundred degrees in the room, she pulled the bedspread up, covering her breasts. As if he hadn’t seen them last night. As if he hadn’t had his mouth on them only a few hours ago.
Jonathan propped himself up on one elbow above her. “You look beautiful.” His hair was all fluffy and mussed. Sex hair. She probably had it too. It was unfair how attractive his was.
She could feel last night’s eye makeup caked around her lashes. “I’m pretty sure I look like Alice Cooper.”
He leaned in and kissed her, smiling against her lips.
For a fleeting moment, she relaxed, sinking into the sensation. Something fluttered in her chest, making her feel light and floaty.
He pulled away. “You’re always beautiful.”
The floaty sensation evaporated, and she came thudding back to earth.
His blue eyes were brimming with affection. Too much affection. It was painful to look at. Like stepping out of a dark building into blinding sunlight.
Her chest prickled uncomfortably and she kicked her feet out from under the covers. Why was it so dammed hot in here? She felt like she was getting a heat rash.
His hand came up to caress her cheek, tilting her face back toward him. He was frowning slightly. “You sure you’re okay?”
She tried to smile. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
She wasn’t fine. There was no air in the room. It was suffocating her.
His frown deepened as his fingers trailed down her throat. “You’re all tense.”
“It’s too hot in here.” Throwing back the covers, she sat up on the edge of the bed, keeping her back to him. She grabbed a piece of clothing off the floor to cover herself up.
It was one of Jonathan’s shirts. She dropped it like it was covered in acid.
There. That was her shirt. She snatched it off the floor and pulled it over her head.
“Hey,” Jonathan said behind her.
She twisted around. She wasn’t wearing a bra, so she crossed her arms over her chest.
His worry crease was as deep as she’d ever seen it. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
“Nothing.”
He could definitely tell she was lying.
“Jinny’s coming over soon,” she said. “I have to get back to my apartment.” That much was the truth, at least. She turned her back on him and his unfairly attractive sex hair and grabbed her underwear off the floor.
“Oh.” She could hear the disappointment in his voice. The hurt. It made her glad she wasn’t looking at him. “Can I see you later?”
“Um.” Her jeans were wadded up at the foot of the
bed, and she snatched them off the floor. “I don’t know how long she’ll be here.” She nearly fell over trying to struggle into her pants. Stupid skinny jeans that made her ass look hot. She never should have worn them. She shouldn’t have worn the low-cut top either. It was like she’d wanted this to happen.
Because she had.
Admit it, you’ve been lusting after him for weeks.
“Oh,” he said again.
She kicked his pants aside, searching for her shoes. Refusing to look at him. “I’ll text you,” she said, hating the sound of the words as they came out of her mouth.
“Okay.”
She got down on her hands and knees and peered under the bed. Aha! She retrieved her shoes and stood up, still avoiding his eyes. An edge of familiar blue lace caught her eye, peeking out from under Jonathan’s boxer briefs. Great. She plucked her bra off the floor and shoved it in her back pocket before turning to face him, finally.
He looked confused, and more than a little hurt.
Her cheeks burned with shame, but she forced herself to look him in the eye. Swallowing, she tried to soften her voice. “Last night was fun.”
“Right.” His mouth had compressed into a hard, thin line. It was the same expression he got when he was talking about his parents, and she hated herself for making him look that way. For making him feel that way.
“I’m sorry,” she said, even though she wasn’t sure exactly what she was apologizing for.
He looked away.
She stood uncertainly in the doorway, clutching her shoes as she hugged her arms across her chest. “I’m just— I’m gonna go.”
He nodded, still refusing to look at her.
Esther let herself out.
Chapter Twenty
When Esther got back to her apartment, she took a shower and stood under the hot water for forty-five minutes, trying to wash away the feeling of regret.
It didn’t work.
She still felt just as awful when she got out of the shower.
The look on Jonathan’s face when she’d left haunted her. She never should have let things go this far.
He wanted more from her than she could give. She could see it in his eyes. He was looking for a relationship. A girlfriend.
That wasn’t her. She wasn’t the girlfriend type. He knew that. And even if she was interested in being in a relationship—which she wasn’t—it could never happen with him.
He’d dated her best friend. You weren’t supposed to sleep with guys your best friend dated. Even if it was only three dates, and even if she’d broken up with him. He was a guy Jinny had liked. According to the Friend Code, he was officially off-limits.
This was a disaster. Esther had fucked up. She’d let herself get swept up in the moment. Because she was selfish.
Last night shouldn’t have happened. And it could definitely never happen again.
She fastened her wet hair into a bun and sank onto the couch. Sally jumped up beside her and started purring. She didn’t like it when Esther spent the night away.
“I did something bad,” she said, scratching Sally under her chin. “Your human is a real shithead.”
Sally smushed her face into Esther’s palm, unconcerned with the romantic affairs of humans. Lucky cat.
“Us Weekly is saying Ben and Jen are back together and Brad and Angelina are back together,” Jinny announced as she breezed into Esther’s apartment an hour later. “It’s like 2005 all over again, and I love it.”
Esther smiled weakly, feeling sick to her stomach.
Jinny went into the kitchen and pulled open the fridge. “I’m taking a water bottle. And one of your yogurts.”
Guilt burned in the back of Esther’s throat. She needed to confess. She’d been keeping too many secrets from Jinny. It was time to come clean.
“Wait,” Esther said. “Before we go, I have to tell you something.”
Jinny set the yogurt and water down. “This sounds serious.”
Esther looked at her feet. Best to just get it out, rather than try to sugarcoat it. Rip off the Band-Aid. She looked up at Jinny and took a deep breath. “I slept with Jonathan.”
Jinny went still, her eyes widening. “My Jonathan?”
Esther swallowed. Nodded. “The Jonathan who lives next door, yeah.”
“But—but how? Why? You don’t even like him.”
“I didn’t mean to. It was an accident.”
“An accident?” Jinny’s forehead scrunched. “How does that work, exactly? Did you trip and fall onto his dick?”
“No, he invited me to this party Friday and—”
Jinny’s mouth fell open. “Like a date?”
“No, definitely not like that. Just as friends.”
“Friends who sleep together?”
“That’s the part that was accidental.” Esther could feel herself getting defensive and tried to squash it. There was no defense. She couldn’t even claim she was drunk. She’d done it because she’d wanted to.
Jinny looked confused. “Since when are you two friends at all? I thought you couldn’t stand him.”
Esther’s cheeks heated and she looked down at the floor, shoulders hunching in shame. “We’ve been sort of…hanging out.”
“For how long?”
“A couple months, I guess.”
“A couple of months?”
Esther cringed, lifting her eyes. Jinny looked shocked. Rightfully so. They’d always told each other everything.
She hadn’t meant to keep her friendship with Jonathan a secret. She just hadn’t known how to bring it up without raising other questions. It had seemed safer not to mention it at all.
That ship had sailed now, though. It was time to fess up. To all of it.
“It was—it was around the same time you started dating him,” Esther said. “He asked me for help with one of his screenplays.”
The look on Jinny’s face sank straight into the pit of Esther’s stomach. “Let me get this straight—you started hanging out with him at the same time he started dating me, and didn’t think to mention that before now?”
Esther winced. “It wasn’t like that.”
“What was it like, then?”
“He was writing this sci-fi script, and he knew I worked in aerospace, and he needed help with the science. It was no big deal.”
“If it was no big deal, why didn’t you tell me? I don’t understand why you’d keep it a secret that you were hanging out with him. For months.”
Esther chewed on her lower lip. “There’s something else I haven’t told you.”
Jinny crossed her arms, bracing herself. “What?”
“Jonathan asked me to help him with his screenplay before he asked you out. I told him—I told him I’d only do it if he went out with you.”
“What?”
Esther cringed, wishing she could sink into the floor. “I know.”
“How could you do that?” Jinny’s voice had gone icy.
“I was afraid you were going to get back together with Stuart.” It sounded so pathetic now. So flimsy.
“Why the fuck is that any of your business?” she demanded, eyes blazing.
“He was an asshole, Jinny, and you were about to go right back to him. I didn’t want you to get hurt. I thought if you went out with someone else, like a rebound guy, you’d get over Stuart. And you thought Jonathan was cute, so…” Esther had been so proud of herself. She’d thought she’d come up with the perfect plan. That she was helping Jinny. What an idiot she was.
“So you pimped me out.”
“No! I pimped myself out to get a cute guy you liked to ask you on a date.”
Jinny shook her head. “You pimped him out. On me. He never even liked me, did he? It was all a lie.”
“That’s not true! He thought you were cute! You thought he was cute. It seemed like a perfect match.” It had. Her intentions had been good. As if that counted for anything.
“I can’t believe you. That’s exactly the kind of shit my parents
pull on me, trying to make me date the men they want me to date. And you know how I feel about it, but you did it anyway.”
Esther’s stomach dropped into her shoes. “You’re totally right, and I’m sorry.”
Jinny paced from the kitchen to the front door and back again. “Oh my god, I can’t believe I went on three dates with that guy. I made out with him. And it was all just a scam.”
“It wasn’t a scam. He really did like you.” Which didn’t exactly make the fact that Esther had jumped into bed with him any better.
Jinny shook her head, her lip curling in disgust. “Thank god I didn’t sleep with him. Can you even imagine?”
“I’m really sorry. I didn’t think it through. I thought I was helping.” A lump tried to squeeze Esther’s throat closed, making her voice tremble.
“By lying to me? Going against my explicit wishes? And then turning around and sleeping with the guy you’d tricked into pity-dating me?” There was no forgiveness to be found in Jinny’s face.
“That’s not—it wasn’t like that.” The words sounded hollow as Esther spoke them. Because it was like that. It was exactly like that.
“I can’t believe you would do that to me.” The coldness in Jinny’s expression couldn’t mask the hurt underneath.
Esther’s eyes burned, and she blinked. “Jinny, I—”
“You know what? I can’t even look at you right now. I have to go.” She gathered up her things, moving toward the door.
Esther couldn’t let her leave yet. Not until they’d worked this out. She had to make her understand. She had to fix this. “Jinny, wait. Please, I—”
She didn’t wait. When the door slammed behind her, it felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room.
Esther sank down on the couch and pressed her palms against her forehead.
Fuck. Everything was a disaster.
What was she going to do? She had to find a way to make this better. To make Jinny forgive her. But she didn’t know how. She didn’t even know where to start. She’d betrayed her best friend’s trust, and she didn’t know how to get it back.