by Monica James
It’s only when the truck’s tires crunch over gravel that I register we’ve stopped driving. “Where are we?” I ask Quinn, and after hours of silence, my throat sounds raspy and hoarse.
“Pride Rock,” is his simple reply, and I cock an eyebrow.
“Like out of The Lion King?”
Quinn chuckles as he kills the engine. “Something like that.”
I have no idea where we are, so I follow Quinn as he jumps out of the truck, stretching his arms above his head.
“It’s cold out,” I say, my voice wavering from the cool breeze as I rub my arms.
Watching Quinn reach into the back and pull out his black sweater has me wondering what he’s up to. Does he want us to go for a hike? In the dark? But I’m too tired to even argue as he wraps his zip up hoodie around me like a cape. I’m thankful for the extra warmth and snuggle into the fleecy material, sniffing his unique fragrance on the cotton.
“Where are we going?” I ask as Quinn reaches for my hand. He silently leads me into a forest of tall green pine trees.
My boots trudge over mushy dirt, and I latch harder onto Quinn’s hand as I nearly trip over a rock. But this reminds me so very much of the first trek we took back home, when Quinn showed me the twinkling lights of South Boston. So I remain mute and follow.
We walk in silence, but the further we hike, the harder it is to see, and when I hear a gentle rustling in the bushes, that is my undoing, and I launch onto Quinn’s back.
“What was that? A Canadian bug?” I ask, my eyes darting from left to right.
Quinn chuckles as he pries my fingers from around his neck. “I think you should be more afraid of bears than bugs,” he replies, reaching for my hand and pulling me alongside him.
Bears?
“This better be good, Berkeley,” I yelp when I hear a loud hooting overhead.
“Trust me,” he replies, and the sliver of moonlight reflects off his beautiful features, illuminating his mischievous smile.
We trek in silence for a few minutes, and when the terrain gets impossibly steep, I lag behind, attempting to gain my footing. But I refuse to stop, because I have a feeling that what I’m about to see will be life changing. And besides, when I slow down, the bitter wind has my teeth chattering.
Thankfully, the landscape becomes a little easier to maneuver, and before I know it, we are standing at the edge of a cliff, overlooking an enormous lake. The sight leaves me breathless as I have never seen anything so calm, so untouched.
I attempt to take everything in, but the view extends further than my eye can see. In the distance however, I can see snow-capped mountains, and with the moon settling low, the sight is pure tranquility.
The overwhelming feelings of today suddenly submerge, and for the first time in forever, I can finally breathe. I now understand why Quinn brought me here. In the grand scheme of things, my problems seem so small, so trivial when looking out into the vastness of absolute nothingness. I could get lost in this place, and that’s why I am here. This is my private oasis. My personal slice of heaven.
“Thank you,” I say, my eyes never leaving the landscape before me.
In response, Quinn wraps his arms around me from behind, resting my back against his warm front. His exhalations tickle my neck, and I sag into him, the tension slowly seeping out from every pore in my beaten body.
“So this is our Pride Rock, hey?” I ask with a soft chuckle, the cool breeze tickling my cheeks.
“It can be whatever you want it to be,” he explains, softly kissing my temple as my eyes slip shut.
And I know he’s right. Life is what you make it, and today, my life sucked ass. But the fact I’m standing here, in the arms of someone who animates my entire existence, gives me the strength to solider on. Our mingled breaths are the only noise for a long time, and I think Quinn needs this stillness as much as I do.
Quinn’s soft voice startles me as he breaks the silence. “I’m sorry about today. I know you didn’t get the answers you wanted.”
“There’s no need for you to apologize. If it weren’t for your support, I hate to think where I would be right now,” I reply sincerely. “You’re the only thing getting me through this, and if anything, I should be the one apologizing to you.” I sigh, sagging in defeat.
“Hey, stop that,” Quinn says, spinning me around to face him. “You know I’m here because I want to be.”
I nod, but I still feel like shit that he feels that way, because he should be out on a date with some normal college girl, or having a beer with his friends. But instead, he’s here with me, being an emotional support to a girl who is slowly forgetting why she’s here, and who she is.
Suddenly, the stillness and the peacefulness break down my walls. They come crashing down with a loud bang, and word vomit is about to overtake my sanity.
“Everything is so fucked up, Quinn. I came here thinking that I could, I don’t know, get some kind of closure. But I don’t even know who I am anymore. I started this journey just wanting to escape a life I so desperately wanted out of. And for a while, it was nice to pretend I was normal. But who was I kidding? I was so naïve to think I could run away from a past which refuses to stay buried. And now, now my mother can’t even tell me the truth. I just can’t catch a break.” Only then do I take a breath.
There it is—the ugly truth. The truth I have been trying so hard to squash down. But I don’t have the strength to suppress it any longer, as it is eating away at my already fragile mind.
At that precise moment, a shooting star blazes across the clear, night sky, and its beauty is gone before I can stop and appreciate it. But the small glimpse I was rewarded was enough.
“Make a wish,” Quinn says, also looking up into the atmosphere.
When I scoff, not believing in wishes, Quinn states sincerely, “That was the universe’s way of telling you it’s listening.”
Raising a confused eyebrow, I look at Quinn, waiting for him to elaborate, as I’m unsure what he means.
“Tell the universe how you feel. Shout it out. Shout out that you want a fucking break. It’s only you, me, and the vastness of this untouched paradise. Let go, Red. Let it out,” he declares, hands spread out wide.
“I think the universe stopped listening a long time ago,” I say with a small smile. “And besides, I think I’ve purged enough. All I feel like I’ve been doing lately is piling my bullshit issues onto you. I’m sure you’ve had enough, and it’s getting old pretty quick. I mean, even I’m getting sick of—”but before I can finish my sentence, I watch Quinn bite down on his lip before he lightly brushes past me, and stands at the edge of the cliff.
I don’t make a sound, as I have no idea what he’s doing, but I watch with close scrutiny, curious to see what comes next.
He remains utterly still for a few moments, before he unexpectedly tilts his face to the sky and yells, “I wish I could take it back! All of it.”
I remain motionless, unsure of what to say or do. But as I watch Quinn, standing with his eyes shut tight, completely at the mercy of the heavens and baring a piece of his guarded soul, I know there is only one thing I can do.
Slowly walking over to stand beside him, I take a deep breath before I too, mimic his position, throwing my head back and screaming into the starless sky, “I wish I could be normal! I just want to belong!”
The scream that tears from my throat scorches my esophagus raw, but the burn feels so good.
“I wish I never made her leave!” Quinn suddenly screams, his arms spread out wide.
My heart breaks at his confession, but I don’t make a fuss, as this, in a weird way, is somewhat like our confessional box. And now that I’ve started, I can’t seem to stop.
“I wish I killed him! I wish he fucking died!”
As awful as that sounds, it’s the god honest truth. And the truth has never felt so good.
Quinn sighs, his hair trailing in the wind as he softly confesses, “I wish I never came home early from school that day. I
wish I never saw it.”
Piece by piece, Quinn is showing me a sliver of his soul, and what I see is simply beautiful.
“I wish my mother wasn’t such a selfish cow. I wish she cared,” I profess, and my voice, just like Quinn’s, is a lot softer and reflective.
However, to my surprise, Quinn takes a deep breath before he whispers, “I wish my mother wasn’t such a selfish cow. I wish she cared.”
My hands itch, needing to reach out and console him. But I stop myself, because this purge is cathartic for the both of us. As a lightning bolt cracks across the night sky, it lights up the universe for a split second, and everything in that moment is so much clearer.
“I wish I fucking said no!” I scream, punching my fist into the sky, and at that precise moment, the heavens open up, dumping a downpour of rain onto the both of us.
But we don’t move a muscle. We stand motionless with our faces raised to the sky, our clothes sticking to our drenched bodies.
“I wish I fucking said yes,” Quinn says in a mere whisper, but he may as well have screamed it, because I heard him loud and clear.
Peeling back the layers of who Quinn Berkeley really is, is not only inspirational, but it also washes away all the bullshit insecurities I’ve ever had. And in this moment of clarity, I know that no matter what he did, what his past contains, I will love him irrevocably and fervently for all the days of my life.
And although I’m afraid he won’t feel the same, he still needs to know.
Turning slowly to face him, I can see that his eyes are still closed, but his mouth is tipped up into a smile which radiates freedom. I’ve never seen him look so carefree. He looks as if his sins of the past are washing away with the punishing rain.
I know it’s not that simple, but through pain and loss, we have bonded together and gained strength. And that strength suddenly animates me to tell Quinn how I feel.
“Quinn!” I scream to be heard over the harsh rain.
My eyes are mere slits, as the rain is so heavy, but the moment Quinn opens his magnetic eyes, I see that he has changed. Something inside of Quinn has shifted, and it’s beautiful.
“Quinn, I—” I repeat, my teeth chattering from the cold, but also from what I’m about to confess.
“You what, Red?” he questions, running a hand through his wet hair.
Another thunderbolt sizzles through the sky, and I yelp. Charging into his arms, I slap my hands over his ears because I’m terrified. I want to him tell him how I feel, but I’m afraid. Droplets of rain cascade down his tender face, but he doesn’t stir to brush them away, and I know I have his undivided attention as his gaze never wavers from my face.
This is not the way I wanted to do this, but I know that for now, this will have to do.
“Quinn…I…I love you,” I whisper, my hands still sitting firmly over his ears.
Once I say those three little words, the tightening in my chest lessens, and a small smile tugs at my lips because I’ve never felt so boundless with a decision. And nothing has ever felt so right before.
His emerald jewels widen, and I know he’s been able to read my lips, but I don’t care. If he feels the same, or if he doesn’t, I’m just happy I said it. Maybe next time, I’ll gather up the courage to tell him without any barriers.
He parts his wet lips, but I don’t want him to feel obligated to return my declaration, so I quickly remove my hands, placing a trembling finger over his mouth and slowly shake my head.
Quinn’s eyes are deep, black pools of desire, and as another lightning bolt strikes above us, the yearning is highlighted with a sliver of silver. Nodding, he carefully places a cold hand over mine, removing it from his lips and slowly placing it over his beating heart. The sentiment has tears stinging my eyes, but before they have a chance to fall, Quinn reaches forward, brushing them away.
We stand this way for I don’t know how long. All I know is the feeling of Quinn’s heart, beating under my palm, is one I never want to end.
But sadly, all good things must come to a close. “Hey! You can’t be out here!” a voice yells over the rain, surprising the both of us.
Turning to the right, we see a park ranger with a huge flashlight pointed our way. As I see Quinn’s mouth slowly tip up into a lopsided smile, I know we’re on the same page. I reach for his hand at the exact moment he lunges for mine. We gently lock fingers, and then, we take off at a dead run.
“Hey, come back here!” the ranger shouts, but Quinn and I just quicken our pace, never looking back as we flick up mud in our hurried getaway.
The rain is blinding me, but thankfully Quinn is leading, and I happily follow, trusting him completely, as I have no idea where to go. The adrenaline of the chase has my heart beating wildly, and I’ve never felt so free.
“Jump!” he says, and I speedily obey, jumping over a fallen branch.
“Stop! You stop right there!” the ranger, who is following in hot pursuit yells through his red megaphone.
I can’t help the laugh that bubbles from my throat as I turn to see the young pursuer, lagging behind as he attempts to catch his breath. Before long, it’s not only the rain which clouds my vision, but also, my big, fat tears. Because I am laughing so hard at this ridiculous situation, I’m giving myself a stitch and gasping for breath, and therefore, slowing us down. The intense rain isn’t helping either, and I’m slipping and sliding as the tread on my Chucks has been obliterated due to years of constant wear.
My ribs are protesting with every step I take, and Quinn must sense my pain because he suddenly stops and picks me up, draping me over his broad shoulders effortlessly in a fireman carry, and then continues pounding the soaked ground like a damn athlete.
I’m getting a mild case of sea legs because my current backdrop is blurry trees and indistinct shadows. But as I manage to twist my neck and look behind me at the poor winded ranger, who has no hope in hell of catching up to the ever fast Quinn, I actually feel a smidge sorry for him.
However, his last attempt to stop us has me laughing so violently, Quinn has to secure his hand around my thigh so I don’t fall flat on my face.
“Stop!” the ranger yelps, blowing a whistle loudly.
But the whistle dies abruptly as he face plants into the dirt with a loud splat.
“Holy shit!” I cry, tears rolling freely down my cheeks as I see the ranger slowly raise his mud caked face with the whistle still firmly planted between his lips.
As he blows out an exasperated breath, it rattles through the mud clogged whistle, and the sound resembles a dying hyena.
I’m quite certain I’m about to throw up from laughing so hard, but Quinn continues running like the wind, ignoring my fits of laughter until we reach our pickup. By the time I’m sitting in the truck, I’m laughing so hard, I actually can’t breathe. However, when I turn to look at Quinn, who’s sitting behind the wheel and speeding away from yet another crime scene, I almost choke.
The fact I never noticed his wet, white t-shirt sticking to his gloriously toned body, is a mystery to me. But now that I’ve seen it, I can’t look away, and my laugh slowly simmers into an obstructed groan.
Quinn is chewing on his lip ring, concentrating on the road, as the rain is making it difficult to see. But I can see perfectly fine—so win for me.
As I admire the way his soaked t-shirt highlights his nipple ring, and the synchronized manner in which the little droplets of water trickle down his neck from his slicked back hair, my mouth begins to water and my cold body begins to sizzle.
Just as my eyes are about to wander south of the border, Quinn chuckles, “I’m trying to drive, Red.”
Guiltily looking away, as I am totally busted, I bite my lip and can’t help but think some wishes really do come true.
Chapter 9
Home is Where the Heart Is
My hair feels like a matted bird’s nest, and my clothes are still damp, but I have no energy to move. Nor would I want to, as I’m wrapped up in the arms of Quinn Berkeley.
After our law breaking trek, we came back to our motel and crashed, absolutely pooped from the events of an exhausting day.
I didn’t actually realize how far Quinn had driven, as it took us over two hours to get back to Alberta. I dozed in and out of sleep throughout our drive back to the motel, but I somehow managed to walk to our room without breaking a leg. However, as soon as I stepped inside, I collapsed face first onto our tiny bed, falling fast asleep, fully clothed. And it’s here I have remained with no intention of rising, well that is, until I hear hushed voices just outside our door.
Raising my weary head, I brush my tangled hair off my face as I turn my ear in the direction of the doorway. The sunlight slipping through the lacy curtains indicates it’s day, but I no idea what the time is.
Quinn is still sound asleep, breathing lightly, and I don’t want to wake him for fear that my jumpy nerves are just playing tricks on me, and the voices outside our door will soon disappear. Unfortunately, they don’t. And when I hear the unmistakable static over a walkie talkie, I know it’s the cops.
I don’t fail to see the pattern when I wake before Quinn, and make a mental note to never let him sleep in. I also make a mental note to train my dog to be more alert, because he’s still sound asleep.
“Quinn,” I whisper, lightly poking him in the chest, as I’m wrapped in his arms in a vise-like grip.
But my whisper falls on deaf ears. Quinn tightens his arms around me, drawing me closer into the cavern of his warm chest. This alas results in my arms being caught between us, and as Quinn begins snoring softly, and with my arms literally tied, I know I’m going to have to utilize other methods to wake him.
His head is slanted upward, so I can’t subtly wake him up with a kiss. But as the voices outside our door begin getting louder, I resort to desperate measures and bite him on his stubbled chin—hard.