by Monica James
As cruel and mean as this may sound, I need to pick at this sore till it bleeds open. “No, on the contrary, I think we’re finally getting somewhere. So no, I won’t drop it. Start talking.”
“There’s nothing to say,” he snarls, furiously wiping his bloodied lip, angered by my persistence.
“Like hell there isn’t. I understand this whole situation is getting too much, and being cooped up here together is slowly chipping away at your sanity, but there’s something more. Tell me what it is.”
But he stubbornly shakes his head, his hair veiling his emerald jewels.
Suddenly, I have a sickening thought. What if he’s finally had enough? What if our situation has finally gotten the better of him, and he wants out? What if he’s finally seen me for what I am and realizes that I’m not worth it? Is that it? Has this got nothing to do with Tristan after all, and the only problem he has is with...me?
“Stop it,” Quinn abruptly says, walking over to me and lightly griping my biceps. “Whatever you’re thinking, stop it,” he repeats, shaking me.
“You’ve had enough, haven’t you?” I whisper, the words hurting more than I thought humanly possible. “You want out.”
“Red, no!” he cries, demanding I believe him.
“Then what’s wrong?” I ask, feeling my lower lip tremble. “I don’t understand what I’ve done. Is it Tristan? What Polly said—you don’t believe her, do you?” I add when he remains silent, chewing on his hoop.
“You do? You think I want him? You think I…love him?” I gasp, pulling from his embrace as I feel like I’m about to be sick.
His eyes drop briefly before he raises them and sadly meets mine. “I think a part of you…does. We both know he’s the better choice. He—he loves you, Red,” he says, his mouth dipping into a frown. “And he deserves you. What we’ve been doing…it’s wrong.”
“What?” I choke out. “No. Quinn, no,” I beg, my heart slowly shattering.
Is he breaking up with me?
“Yes. But I’ll make it easy for you,” he says, his voice dripping with regret. “I’ll leave you alone. And when this gets sorted and we’re finally free, I promise you, you’ll never hear from me ever again.”
“No!” I cry, tears stinging my eyes. “I don’t want that.”
“You don’t know what you want,” he replies with a sad smile. “With Tristan, it’ll be easy, and you deserve that. You both deserve that. And I owe him this. To sacrifice the only thing I’ve ever—” He pauses before taking a deep a breath. “To sacrifice the only thing I’ve ever loved is the right thing to do,” he adds, and I gasp, my tears now falling freely. “To sacrifice my happiness for his, it doesn’t feel so bad, because the two people I love more than anything in this world will be happy. Together. He deserves happiness. And so do you, Red. So do you.” He lowers his head, his long hair masking his tears.
I stand frozen, not knowing what the hell to say. But as I piece through what he just said, I know I have to fight, because he doesn’t get to decide this. He doesn’t get to decide my fate.
“Self-sacrifice is not honorable; it’s a coward’s way out. And you don’t look like a coward to me, Quinn. I know you aren’t. You’ve fought beside me every step of the way, and now you’re giving up. You’re giving up because of some unrealistic notion that you get to play God and have a hand in my fate. In Tristan’s.”
But as he stands rigid, unresponsive to my pleas, I know there’s only one thing I can say that’ll make him understand. “I don’t want Tristan,” I sob, taking a step forward. “I want you. I love…you. No one else, only you,” I whisper, afraid I’ve shared too much.
Suddenly, I’m rewarded with the response I so desperately craved, and the sight before me is magical. Quinn raises his head, the pace not rushed, but not agonizingly slow either, it’s just perfect. As he locks his eyes with mine, I can see that this, now, this changes everything. And there’s no turning back.
“You love me?” he gasps, his mouth parted in disbelief.
“Yes, Quinn. I love you. You’re the only light in my forever darkness.” And it’s true because before Quinn, I was living in the darkness, but now, now everything is crystal clear.
However, his stunned expression has me concerned that he may not feel the same way. “Do you…love me?” I ask softly.
“Oh, Red,” he replies, and a whoosh of air leaves his lungs. Taking a step toward me, he fervently seizes my cheeks in his palms. “Love you?” he questions, his emerald eyes searching every inch of my face. “I love you so fucking much that it hurts. You’ve possessed me, but I’ve never felt so alive.”
Before I have a chance to reply, he swoops forward and claims my lips as his own. But he owns me, every part of me is his, so I happily surrender and let this moment overtake us both. This kiss is drowning with urgency, but it’s also draped in love, because for the first time ever, we are both open and honest, both stripped bare for the other to see. And what I see is simply beautiful.
I yank at the messy strands of hair curling at his nape, and he groans into my mouth, relishing in the hard pressure. He wraps me in his arms and enfolds me into his embrace so tightly I can barely breathe. But who needs oxygen when Quinn Berkeley is your life source. But I want more, so I mold my mouth to his, kissing him fiercely and demanding tongue. I groan when his barbell finally caresses me deliriously slow, but it’s still not enough. I need more.
The distinctive feel of his lengthy erection pushing between us has me shivering and craving more, and suddenly, I know that there’s only one thing which will ever be enough. As Quinn backs me up toward a huge sofa in the corner of the room, I know he feels it, too.
Lowering me onto the soft cushions while never breaking our connection, I know that this is what he was waiting for. This is perfect. This is our something like perfect.
Allowing him to lead me, I groan when I feel the full weight of him press down onto my needy body. His movements are gentle, but they’re filled with passion and wanting, and I feel it all. My body is so in sync with his that I feel every breath he takes, every sigh he moans and every groan he suppresses—I feel it all. But as his lips burn a pathway down my throat and come to rest at my frantic pulse, I feel him pull away.
“Why did you stop?” I breathlessly ask, looking up at him, my body begging him to continue.
He slowly sits back on his heels, and as my eyes drop to his crotch, I know it’s not due to lack of excitement.
“If we do this,” he tensely swallows. “Then you need to know it all. And if you still”—he pauses—“and if you still want me after you’ve heard it all, then I’m yours. I’ll forever be yours.”
Sitting up, I place my hand over his frenzied heart. “I’ll always want you,” but I lie back down, resting my head on the armrest and giving him my full attention.
Quinn nods before lowering his head, cloaking his eyes from mine. He’s still on his knees before me as he commences his tale.
“I did something bad. Something I wish I could take back. But that’s the fucked up thing, I can never take back my sins.”
I listen, remaining silent, not wanting to interrupt a confession long overdue.
“I wasn’t always a rotten kid. I loved my mom. I knew that she stayed with my dad ’cause of us. I knew she sacrificed her happiness for us. But the day he hurt me…” His fingers gently pass over his brow, and I remember Tristan revealing that their father once hit Quinn so hard he split his forehead open. At the time, Quinn was ten.
“Something inside of her snapped,” he continues, lost in thought. “She kicked him out and threatened to go to the police if he didn’t leave. Of course he left, and things for a little while, they were actually okay. Mom worked like a dog, but she never once complained. The only downside of not having Dad around was we didn’t have an adult to look after us, not that he ever did much anyway. So I grew up fast, and I became the man of the house.
“Things were good, and I loved that it was just me and Tristan whe
n Mom was at work. It was just me and him against the world, you know? He looked up to me, and I loved my baby brother.”
I nod, indicating I’m listening, because I have a foreboding feeling that things are about to get real.
“Then one day, just after my fourteenth birthday, my mother came home and told us our Uncle Tommy was coming to stay with us.”
“Uncle?” I softly question.
Quinn nods, finally lifting his eyes to meet mine. “My Uncle Tommy, he was my father’s brother—his younger brother, and he’d just got discharged from The Army because he got hurt in combat. The moment I met him, I just knew something wasn’t right. The way my mother fawned all over him, and made a big deal that he was finally home was weird. I mean, she never got this excited to see Dad, and she was married to him. But I shrugged it off and didn’t think much of it, as I liked him. Uncle Tommy had a warm smile, and his smile would especially grow big whenever he looked at Tristan. So of course I liked him because anyone who liked my brother was okay in my book.”
The dread forming in the pit of my stomach begins churning, but I nod, as I need to know what happens next.
“Uncle Tommy, he looked after us when Mom was at work. At first, I wasn’t too happy about it, as I liked our little family as it was. But after a while, I came to realize I was missing out on a load of fun stuff because I was babysitting Tristan all the time. So I began hanging out with my friends more often, and leaving Tristan in the care of Uncle Tommy.”
“Uncle Tommy ended up moving in, and Mom, I’d never seen her so happy. And her appearance changed, too. She wore makeup, bought new clothes, and started getting her hair and nails done. I really didn’t understand why, but she was happy, so I didn’t question it,” he says with a shrug.
“Uncle Tommy coming to live with us was the worst thing that ever happened to me.” He sighs, chewing on his lip ring. “He started acting like my dad, bossing me around and telling me to be nicer to my brother. By this stage, I was fifteen, and I started to rebel. I despised being told what to do, so I started hanging out with my friends more, who were just as messed up as me. But hey, it was better than staying at home with Uncle Tommy who thought he had a say over what me and Tristan did. Me and Tristan grew apart as my uncle favored him over me, and in a way, it pissed me off. Tristan was happy he finally had a father figure in his life that treated him how a parent should treat a child. But me, I hated his guts. He and Uncle Tommy could both go to hell.
“I told Mom that I didn’t like him, and wanted him to leave, but she said he was a part of our lives now, and he wasn’t going anywhere. I was hurt, I mean, I was her kid, and it felt like she was choosing him over me. So I started staying out late and snuck home when everyone was asleep, but they didn’t care. I ended up skipping school a lot, and when I wasn’t causing trouble with my friends, I hung out with…Hank,” he confesses, and I bite my lip, holding back my tears.
Quinn looks at me, and I nod, silently telling him I’m okay for him to continue.
“Hank knew I was skipping classes, but because he was friends with my Grandma, he let me hang out there ’cause he knew things weren’t great at home. I told him everything, and he said to me that sometimes, we have to make sacrifices for the people we love.”
I choke back a sob because true to his word, Hank did that for me. Quinn reaches forward to brush away my tears. “I’m sorry, Red,” he whispers. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Shaking my head, I lean into his comforting touch. “You didn’t. You just reminded me of what a kind, gentle soul he was.”
Quinn nods, his eyes growing soft. “He was. Night Cats, it was my sanctuary, and talking to Hank, and knowing he was there for me, and knowing I had someone to talk to, it was my salvation.”
I barely hold back my sniffle, but Quinn allows me to grieve, as I know we’re both broken hearted over the loss of an epic man.
“May 10th 2006,” he softly continues, removing his hand from my cheek. “It was like any other day. I skipped school and headed to the motel to hang out with Hank, but he wasn’t there. I then remembered he was outta town for some car show, and I knew all my friends were at school as they were getting their asses kicked by their parents for skipping. My mom didn’t seem to care, and my dad, well I only really saw him every now and again around town. But he never came to see me and Tristan, and I always wondered if he knew Uncle Tommy was living with us. Anyway, I decided to head back home and play some video games, as Mom would be at work, and Uncle Tommy would probably be there too, as he started helping her out during the day. I remember coming home and thinking something wasn’t right. But I ignored it, grabbed a beer and went to my room. However, I had to pass my mom’s room, and suddenly, I had that feeling again. I felt like I wasn’t alone.”
Quinn nibbles on his lip ring, his eyes in a distant place.
“I remember stopping dead in my tracks, waiting in the hallway for any signs that someone was in the house, and that’s when I heard it,” he confesses, swallowing past the lump in his throat.
“I heard the faintest whimper coming from inside her room. I waited, thinking it was my fucked up mind playing tricks on me, but then I heard it again—louder this time. I panicked and charged into her room, using the beer bottle as my weapon, ready to attack whoever was hurting my mom. But what I saw, it made me sick.”
Quinn takes a deep breath while I’m on tenterhooks, waiting for him to continue. I don’t have to wait long. “My mom was on her knees, getting right royally fucked by my Uncle Tommy.”
“What?” I gasp, my hands flying to my mouth as I sit up in shock.
Quinn nods, his jaw clenching in anger. “Yes. I just stood there, not knowing what to do because surely what I was seeing couldn’t possibly be true. The moment she opened her mouth, guilt and excuses came pouring out, but I didn’t want to hear it. She was fucking my uncle, my dad’s brother, while she was still married to my father. I know they had long separated, but he was still my dad, and what she did, I saw as the ultimate betrayal to not only him, but to me and Tristan.
“Even though Dad was a deadbeat, he was still my dad, and I knew what she was doing was wrong and so did she. I could see it in her face. Anyway, I ran outta that house and stayed with my grandparents for the night, as they were back from their six month vacation. The next day, Mom came over, guilty as all shit, begging for forgiveness. She said that what I thought I saw, I didn’t, and to forget it. But I couldn’t. And I never did. But we never spoke about it again, and I never told Tristan.”
This story grows more awful by the minute, but sadly, I know the worse is yet to come.
“After that, I looked at her in a different light. She was my mom for fuck’s sake and she wasn’t meant to be the bad guy, but in my book, both she and my dad were a huge disappointment. So after that, I really rebelled. I was just so angry all the damn time. I rebelled against any form of authority—School. Police. Work. Uncle Tommy, but most of all, my mom. I hated her for pretending that everything was fine, when in reality, it wasn’t. She saw how out of control I was getting, and when she tried to discipline me, I just threw her infidelity in her face. After a while, I think she just gave up. Uncle Tommy, he tried to discipline me too, but when I threatened to ruin his little charade and tell Tristan what I saw, that shut him up immediately.
“As much as I hate to admit this, Red, I hated my brother,” he confesses, looking utterly ashamed. “I hated him because he was the perfect ‘son.’ And that’s how Uncle Tommy treated him, like his god damned son. And he treated me like a piece of dirt. I resented Tristan, when really he just wanted to belong.
“When I turned sixteen, I was out of control. I was failing school and on my last warning, but I didn’t care. I stopped seeing Hank, the only good adult in my life, a decision I wish I could take back,” he says with regret.
“I got sent home early for lighting fire crackers in the girls’ locker room, and was finally suspended indefinitely. I decided to drop past the diner and
tell my mom the good news. I wanted to let her know what a great job she did at raising a delinquent, but I should have just gone home.
“As I snuck round the back to have a cigarette, I saw her with him again, and I just lost it. They were only talking, but in my eyes, they may as well have been fucking. The first punch caught them both unaware and after that first strike, years of anger just exploded out of me and I couldn’t stop. Mom tried to pull me off, but I could only focus on the anger and rage because it felt so fucking good. The way my fists felt connecting with his face made me feel liberated. How sick is that?” he spits out, shaking his head in disgust.
“How did you stop?” I ask in a small voice.
“I only stopped when she told me who he really was,” he replies, the pain slicing across this face.
“Who was he?” I ask, my voice wavering in fear.
Taking a deep breath, he confesses, “He was Tristan’s dad.”
“What?” I gasp, not understand what he’s saying.
Quinn nods sadly. “Yes, he was my uncle, but he was also Tristan’s dad. She met my dad in college and decided to give into his endless pleas to go out on a date with him. They had been seeing one another for a few weeks, and that’s when she met Tommy. She said it was love at first sight,” Quinn scoffs. “Tommy apparently felt it too, but because she was his brother’s girl, he stayed away, as he wasn’t interested in a family feud. Their attraction grew and grew, but she swore they never did anything. She said she always loved Tommy, but because of his commitment to the army, she couldn’t stand in the way of his number one love—his country. Tommy went away for a few months to train in Texas, and they wrote to one another the entire time. He told her once he returned, he wanted her to leave my dad and marry him. They were sick of hiding their feelings for one another, and would tell my dad together that they had fallen in love.”
“What happened?” I ask, because that obviously didn’t take place.
“Well, my dad was pushing my mom to drop out of college and take over at the diner from my grandparents, as he saw that diner as an easy meal ticket. In my mom’s head, I think she believed this was her way out, too. When Tommy came back, she and him could work here and live happily ever after, financially sound, so she dropped out. One night, Dad came banging on the diner door, demanding my mom let him in. She was sick of him, and his drinking was steadily becoming an issue. But she promised Tommy she would wait for his return before she broke up with my dad, because Tommy wanted to be the one who told him. Anyway, they had a huge fight, because although my father was a drunken fool, he wasn’t stupid and he knew something was wrong. He demanded to know what, but she never told him, as she had promised Tommy, and she didn’t want to get him into trouble. When he wouldn’t let it rest, she did the only thing she could do to shut him up—she slept with him. On the dirty kitchen floor of that diner is where I was conceived.”