by Lilly Wilde
“In what way do I look at you, Aiden? With concern? Because that’s what you see. Concern and love.”
“And pity,” he said. “You don’t think I heard you lying in bed crying at night when you thought I was asleep?”
“It’s because I don’t know how to help you. You won’t let me help you.”
“Yeah, I’m sure that’s all there was to it. Don’t insult my intelligence, Aria.”
“Do you think I had sex as much before you? It wasn’t every day, every week or even every month. So why is it that you now think I have this insatiable need to have your cock inside me?” He was pushing me toward something I didn’t want. I did not want to fight with him. Not like this. “Aiden, please stop saying these things.”
“Why? Does the truth bother you?”
I shook my head. “Why are you doing this?”
“Because I don’t know how else to make you understand this is not what I want.”
“Am I not what you want? Is that what you’re afraid to come right out and say?”
“Maybe it’s me you don’t want,” he said. “At least not anymore.”
“Have I given you any reason to believe that? I promised. You promised. Better or worse, sickness and health. Those were not just empty words for me.”
“Even if I’m not the man you made those promises to or the man you fell in love with? You’re fine with settling for half a man?”
“Is that how you see yourself? Because I don’t see you that way at all.”
“Aria, look at you. You’re a beautiful, vibrant, sexual woman. You need more than this,” he said, motioning toward his legs.
I stared into his dark eyes. I wanted to say the words that would make him understand that his love was all that mattered. “You give me more. Every day that we share is more. Don’t you know I don’t have a life without you? You’re my husband. You’re my family. I just wish …”
“What? That I could go for a walk with you? That we could go for a ride? Play tennis? Well I can’t do any of those things!”
“Maybe not now or not in the way you want. But we can go for walks. We can go for a carriage ride … the three of us can go out together. There are things we can do until you get better.”
“Don’t you see? I’m not getting better! My legs don’t work!” he said, pounding his thighs in angry frustration. “Is this how you choose to live your life? Watching me? And waiting for something that may never happen?”
So that’s where this was headed. He was trying to get rid of me. “Aiden, of course I want you to walk again, but if you don’t, it will not change anything for me. I love you. And if we’re okay, nothing else matters.”
“You won’t miss feeling me inside you?”
“Why are you doing this?” I asked.
“Can you look me in the eyes and tell me you won’t miss feeling my dick sliding inside you, filling you until you can’t take anymore?”
I shook my head, not sure how to make him stop, how to make him understand. “Aiden, stop it.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re being stupid.”
“Since when is it stupid for a wife to desire her husband?”
“What are you hoping to accomplish with this nonsense?”
“I’m only asking you to be honest with yourself. For some reason, you can’t do it.”
“I am being honest,” I said. “I’m telling you what I feel. I’m telling you what I want, but you refuse to hear it.”
His gaze moved over me. It was if he were undressing me with his eyes, and for some reason, the expression on his face made me uncomfortable.
He moved to his wheelchair and rolled closer to me. “Have you ever lain in bed at night and longed for me?” he asked. “Moved your hands over your naked body? Imagined they were my hands?”
Did he think so little of me—of us—that it all came back to this? “Aiden, you’re being ridiculous. And you need to stop.”
“And I know exactly how you like it. You practically melt in my hands when I hit the spot that makes you lose yourself. Stroking in and out of your pussy, while my finger is busy invading that tight ass.”
He continued taunting me, and he wasn’t going to stop until he provoked me into saying something I would regret.
“You know how we are together,” he said. “Neither of us can ever get enough. And just as you can’t imagine not having me inside you, I can’t imagine not being there.”
I backed away from him. “So this is about you then?”
“No. It’s about us. It’s about our connection and how it hyperextends when our bodies are joined as one. Are you going to answer my question? Are you going to stand there and tell me you don’t miss it? That you don’t crave it?”
“You’re being mean. And it’s a real shitty thing to do.” I left the room. It was obvious he wasn’t going to stop. And it would be cruel to fight with him when I knew he wasn’t in the shape to handle it.
Did I love sex with Aiden? Yes. But I didn’t need that to be happy with him. Our whole world had been turned upside down since the accident. I’d spent a great deal of time in my head, considering and holding on to what was real, what was important, what I needed. I guessed it was the same for most who came so close to losing their reason for living. You realize the things you thought you needed weren’t important anymore. And the things you didn’t think you needed, you couldn’t live without. And if I hadn’t known it before, I certainly knew it now. There was no way I could live without Aiden.
Chapter Twenty-Two
The evening played out just as several evenings before. Aiden spent time with Lyric until he’d fallen asleep in his lap. I tucked our son in, and once I was sure he was headed to dreamland, I asked Aiden if he needed anything. His reply was expected. He said no. The answer was always no. I then gave him a kiss good night and headed to our bedroom. It killed me to walk away from him every night. To leave him alone in his new reality. A reality he was trying to shield me from.
Respecting his wishes and keeping my distance proved to be as challenging as I’d expected. We may not have been in the same room, but he was with me, as constant as my own shadow. I couldn’t look anywhere and not see Aiden. The ghost of him was behind every corner, in the kitchen feeding Lyric, lying in bed watching me, or at his piano lost in a melody. This wasn’t normal. And I couldn’t see how sleeping separately would do any more than drive a wedge between us. But that’s exactly what Aiden wanted.
Like our bedroom, our home now seemed larger than it actually was. It had become a dark cosmos filled with whispers of what could be, of what once was. And like our bedroom, it seemed devoid of everything I used to love. Standing in the doorway, I scanned the extravagant room, my gaze finally resting on the bed I’d started to hate. I’d lie there for hours in what felt like an ocean of distance and space. It was as though I were floating on a raft, desolate and discouraged, hoping for something or someone to appear and pull me to shore.
I lay in bed for endless stretches of time hoping Aiden would appear, but given his pig-headedness, I realized I was dreaming of the impossible. He and I shared quite a few traits, some of which rendered us weak and foolish. We both knew that, but acknowledgment of flaws didn’t equate change. In our case, it meant each of us digging our heels in deeper. And that’s what Aiden had done. He’d made an irrational decision and he would stand his ground, no matter what I said. It was foolish to think he’d realize he was once again going about something in the exact opposite way that he should. And I was left on the sidelines, having to deal with the repercussions until something or someone knocked some sense in his head.
Just as every night before, in the loneliest hours before sleep pulled me under, I replayed memories of the happier days that were not so long ago. Then I fantasized about a brighter day, when my world would once again spin as it should.
As I drifted off, the hushed sound of Aiden’s chair rolled into the room. When he came to a stop beside the bed, I wanted to reac
h out—to say something—but at the same time, I didn’t want to make too big of a deal about something as normal as a married couple sharing a bed, so I kept still. As I remained in my mock sleep position, Aiden’s finger traced my cheek, lightly moving over the curve of my jawline. It was the first time in weeks he’d initiated any type of physical affection and I didn’t want it to end. I fought the urge to open my eyes and maintained the pretense of sleep. His hand was in my hair then, softly stroking it down my back.
“I miss you,” he whispered. Then his hand was gone.
Was he leaving? Was he going to get in the bed? When I thought it was safe, I opened my eyes. The soft glow of the recessed light illuminated the corners of the dark room, offering just enough light for me to see him. Aiden was rolling out of the room.
“Aiden,” I whispered into the darkness, but it was too late. He was gone, and the darkness didn’t reply.
As I stared into the night, his face was all I could see. A tear rolled down my cheek. The loneliness of the room echoed around me. I crossed my arms over my chest, enclosing the storehouse of emotion that was building—it was going to pull me under. I fought it, but it was too much. I folded into the pillow, muffling the cries I didn’t want anyone to hear. I let it all out—the lack of understanding, the frustration, the anger, the hatred for Nadia, and the resentment that was building for Aiden.
The tears flowed as if a spigot had been left open, incessant and steady, my chest heaving as I struggled to breathe. When it felt as though there were no more tears left, I dotted my eyes with the pillow case and moved to Aiden’s side of the bed.
“I miss you too, Aiden,” I whispered.
*****
Deflated and overwrought, but putting on a brave face all the same, I headed down stairs. Finding Aiden at the kitchen table took me aback, but then again, he wasn’t there for me. It was for Lyric. He’d make things as normal as possible for him. But not for me, never me. I had to deal with Aiden’s crap and keep a smile locked and loaded in the off chance he looked at me. I poured a cup of tea and then joined them at the table, greeting him and watching as he fed the baby. I didn’t mention the previous night. There was no point. It wouldn’t change anything.
After I was sure they were done making a mess, I cleaned Lyric and pulled him from the high chair only to have him try to wiggle free. I kissed his cheek and gave him what he wanted—the freedom to roam around the room. He took two wobbly steps and then dropped to his knees, crawling over the floor and stopping when he saw one of his toys. He then sat up and put it in his mouth as his dad and I started to talk.
“Why are we here?” I asked.
“What do you mean?”
“At this place in our relationship. In our marriage. Why did we go through any of it? Falling in love, breaking up, making up, committing ourselves to each other? Was it all just to end up here?”
“I don’t know where you think we are, Aria, but nothing has changed in terms of my feelings for you and I know yours haven’t changed for me. We’re not going anywhere,” he said and moved away from the table. “We’re permanent.”
“Then when are you going to start acting like it?” I asked.
Aiden looked down at Lyric. He’d started crawling around the floor again, babbling on and on about something. It was kind of funny. At times, he was like an older man in a baby’s body. He stopped again when he was beside Aiden’s chair, placing his fingers on the shiny dials on the wheels.
“I’m trying to spare you,” Aiden said. “To make this easier for you. You don’t need this.”
“For the love of God, please stop telling me what I do or don’t need. It’s not your call. Why can’t you get that through your thick head? All I need is you. And as long as we have each other, nothing else matters.”
Lyric crawled around to the front of Aiden’s chair and pulled himself up, reaching for his father. As Aiden leaned forward, Lyric lost his grip, his fingers slipping from Aiden’s pant leg. In the second that followed, the baby was on the floor, his mouth agape, but devoid of any sound. And then as if on cue, Lyric shrieked at the top of his lungs, railing in pain.
“He must have bumped his head on the chair pedal,” I said, rushing to lift him from the floor. “A knot’s already forming.”
“Get an ice pack and baby aspirin,” Aiden said. “Give him to me.”
“No, I’ve got him,” I said, bouncing the baby in my arms. “I’ll be right back,” I said.
Dianna was downstairs by then. We checked Lyric for any other injuries, but didn’t see anything beyond the swelling at his forehead, so we took him to the comfort of his nursery.
“Should we take him to the hospital?” I asked when Aiden rolled into the room. “Could he have a concussion or some type of fracture?”
“Toddler bones are soft so they don’t fracture as easily as those of an older child,” Aiden replied. “He’s fine. We should keep a close eye on him for the next twenty-four hours, though.”
“Are you sure?” I asked.
“Yes, I wouldn’t take chances with him.”
I let out a sigh and took a seat near Lyric’s crib, watching him until he’d fallen asleep.
“This is what I mean, I can’t be the person you guys need right now,” Aiden said, as he looked on at his son resting in the crib.
“Please don’t start that again, Aiden. I don’t want to hear it.” Maybe it was time I made a call to the counselor Dr. Burgess suggested. Aiden needed a healthy support system and his behavior was already dismantling the little bit of sanity I had remaining. I couldn’t deal with this on my own anymore.
*****
Apparently I was a glutton for punishment because I started the next day offering the support Aiden had previously refused. But what else could I do? What would any loving wife do? It just wasn’t right to sit back and do nothing.
“You don’t have to do that, Aria,” he said.
“But I want to.”
“Why? Because you don’t think I can do it myself?”
“I’m sure you can do it on your own, but why would you prefer that when I’m here to help?”
“Maybe because I know you’re doing it because you feel obligated,” he said.
“That’s ridiculous. Why would you think something like that?”
He responded to my rebuttal with silence.
“Aiden, I love you, and I want to make this easier for you. That’s all. I don’t mind doing things for you, even small things like fluffing your pillows or getting you a glass of water.”
“We have staff for that.”
“Then how about you tell me something I can do. Anything. I want to help you.”
“Why? Because we’re a team?” he scoffed. “You can still say that? Even when you know it’s a lie. We’re different, Aria. I’m different.”
“Yes, dammit. We are a team. I don’t understand why you think behaving this way will get you anywhere. I don’t know what to do here. You won’t let me help you. You won’t let me comfort you. You spit on everything I try.”
“I’m not doing that.”
“That’s exactly what you’re doing. I know how it feels to want to conquer everything on your own, and I can tell you that’s the worst thing you can do. When my mother passed, you were there for me. I let you comfort me. I let you hold me up when I couldn’t do it myself. I didn’t reject you.”
“I’m not rejecting you. I’m asking for some space. Why can’t you comprehend that?”
“How much space do you want? You’ve already moved out of our bedroom. What’s next?”
“Aria, don’t make this an issue. Please do as I say.”
“Just forget it. You want space? You’ve got it. I’ll give you all the damned space you want, asshole.”
*****
I shouldn’t have let my temper get the best of me, but it was too late and I couldn’t sit around another day and go through that with him. I needed to get away from him. To clear my head. Since I was steadily falling behind wi
th things at RPH, I went to work. I forced myself to concentrate and I was somehow able to get a ton of items marked off my checklist.
Around seven o’clock, I called it a day and went home. I didn’t bother with Aiden. I asked Dianna how his day had gone and it was just as I’d expected. He was stewing in his misery. I would only add to that, so I let him be. I fell asleep in the nursery that night and awoke the next morning to the soft sound of Dianna’s humming.
“Good morning. I’m glad you got some sleep,” she said.
“Hi, Dianna. Yes, I really needed it. Thanks for being here with Lyric. Has Aiden seen him this morning?”
She looked up from folding the clothes with an apologetic look on her face.
“What is it? Is Aiden okay?”
“He’s fine, but …”
“But what?”
“I don’t know how to tell you this.”
“You’re scaring me,” I said. “What’s wrong?”
“He moved out this morning.”
“What?”
“I tried to talk him out of it, but he was convinced it was for the best.”
My heart dropped. “He’s gone?” I sunk down in the rocker. “Where did he go?”
“He’s not far. He moved into the other house on the property.”
I let out a sigh. It wasn’t as horrible as I’d thought. Yeah, it was bad, but this I could handle … at least I thought so. Maybe ignoring him last night hadn’t been the best idea. I should have gone to him. I should have dealt with whatever he dished out.
“Why didn’t you wake me?” I asked. “Maybe I could have convinced him to stay.”
“I doubt anyone could have done that. His mind was made up.”
“I feel like I’m losing him, Dianna.”
“I know it must seem that way, but he loves you. You’ll never lose him. He’s just trying to sort his way through this. Granted, he’s not going about it in a way I’d suggest, but you know how he is.”
“That I do. I just feel like I can’t do anything to make this better for him.”