by Lilly Wilde
“I’ll give you a moment to slip into the gown and I’ll be right back.”
In the short time Heather had stepped away, I’d nearly fallen asleep. Several minutes later after I’d been poked and swabbed, I was back in my clothes, sitting on the exam table, tapping some notes into my phone as I awaited Heather to reappear with a prescription.
“Everything looks fine. I’ll know more once I get those results back,” she said, upon entering the room. “You wanted something for anxiety, but I’m always hesitant to prescribe any type of medication to expectant mothers. I often suggest cognitive behavioral therapy along with a few home remedies first,” she said, passing me a pamphlet.
My fingers froze. She couldn’t have said what I thought she said. My gaze flashed to hers. “Expectant mother? I’m not pregnant.”
She gave me a tight-lipped smile and then glanced at the tablet, reviewing my medical chart. “Mrs. Raine, obviously, you were unaware, but yes, you’re pregnant.”
That couldn’t be right. “Do you have the correct chart?”
She flipped the screen to face me, “Yes, this is your record.”
“Pregnant?” My brows scrunched in confusion “Are you sure?”
“Pretty certain. With any positive result, the test is run a second time. Of course, that was only a preliminary urine test, but we can run the test a third time if you’d like,” she added upon noticing my shock.
“Yes,” I finally said. “Can we do that?”
“We sure can. Give me a second,” she said, stepping out of the room.
“A baby?” I whispered. A replica of my first pregnancy presented itself. Like then, I’d received life-altering news at a time that couldn’t have been less ideal. I didn’t know what to feel … what to think … what to do.
“Were you and your husband trying to conceive?” Heather asked, upon her return.
Trying to conceive? I would have been lucky to see my husband, let alone have him touch me. “No,” I replied.
“Do you need a moment alone?” she asked, when she noticed the tear rolling down my cheek.
“If you don’t mind,” I said.
“Of course, I’ll go check on the test results.”
How could this be happening? Why now? Right in the thick of everything that was already unraveling in my world? My anxiety gave pause and allowed me to grasp a tiny fragment of wonder … a sliver of joy. I could have another little Lyric. Another amazing addition to my life.
Aiden. How would he react to the news that we had a little one on the way? Would he be the happy father-to-be, the doting husband I knew he would have been had this occurred under different circumstances? Or would he fall prey to the monster of self-deprecation that he’d become? Would he feel even more pressure to get better? Or even worse, would he feel like he’s even less of what I needed? This day, this news should have been added to the list of happiest moments of my life … but it wasn’t. It was one riddled with doubt and fear of losing the little I still had left.
“So … the third test does confirm that you’re in fact pregnant,” Heather said as she stepped into the room.
I nodded.
“I’m a little concerned by your reaction,” she said. “You and your husband are a high-profile couple, so I’ve seen the articles and photographs … of you, him and your son. You look like the words happy family were created for the three of you. I’m sorry this is such a shock for you.”
“We’re still trying to adjust to his medical condition, so I’m a little worried about the timing.”
“I see.” She nodded understandingly. “Well, we have an answer for the exhaustion. Give your body time to adjust and it should get easier. As for the anxiety, as I said, I don’t recommend any medication at this point because anti-anxiety meds do cross the placental barrier and may reach the fetus.”
“I’ll try these,” I said, holding up the pamphlets. “And I’ll check in if I need to go a different route.” I placed my other hand on my stomach and looked up at Heather. “Um …”
“Yes?” she asked.
“Do you know how far along I am?”
“Since your menstrual cycle is irregular at best, I’m not sure. But if you have time, we can do a dating ultrasound while you’re here. I won’t be able to do it, my next appointment is in the waiting area, but I can get you in with the technician if you’d like.”
“Yes, I’d like to know.”
“Okay, if you’ll take a seat in the waiting room, I’ll get it taken care of. I’ve called in a prescription for your prenatal vitamins. So don’t forget those, and while you’re here, you should get on Dr. Grist’s schedule for your upcoming follow-up appointments.”
“Will do. Thanks for everything, Heather.”
*****
The ultrasound placed me at nine weeks, which sounded about right. I’d gotten pregnant before the accident. I probably should have expected it for as much sex as we’d had and as much come as Aiden had poured into me, but I didn’t. I was having a baby—one that was created during the most magical time in my life.
As I made my way to the parking garage, I was in a daze, only half-listening to everything going on around me. When I made it to the car, I realized I didn’t recall how I’d gotten there. I was worried about Aiden. He needed to know and I wanted to tell him, but I knew I couldn’t. Not right now. He needed time and I needed to give him that. I honestly didn’t know how he would react, but something in me told me it would be bad. Under different circumstances, this would have been the best news I could have ever given him. I was carrying his child, and he’d have the chance to experience the pregnancy with me this time. But here I was again, in a less than opportune situation as his child grew inside me.
And how the hell was it that I hadn’t known I was pregnant? Again.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Taking the last bite of my sandwich, I slid the remainder of my lunch to the side of the mess I’d made of my desk. I’d fallen behind on so many tasks that I didn’t know how I would ever catch up. That trip to New York had been a really bad idea. Not only had it strained my relationship with Kellan, but I’d missed one of RPH’s annual fundraiser luncheons and a meeting with the board of Heart of Raine. With Aiden stepping back, I’d become a more integral part of many of Aiden’s charities.
I hadn’t told anyone the news of my pregnancy. Until I’d had the chance to tell Aiden, no one would know. Well, except Lyric. I’d whispered it to him during one of our “talks”. He seriously was the funniest toddler ever. I’d even skipped ahead, daydreamed about what he’d be like as a big brother. And I wondered how Aiden and I would juggle two kids.
RPH had several new projects on the horizon so there was no way I could slow down, and with my energy level on the decline, it was all taking its toll. I’d spoken with Aiden more over the last few days. The conversations solely focused on Lyric. It felt as though it was our excuse to talk to each other without making any steps to change our routine. I tried to gauge his mindset, but he played everything close to the chest so I didn’t know what to think. I’d decided to check in with Kevin the following day. If he saw an increase in Aiden’s optimism, or if there had been any more physical improvement, I’d definitely tell Aiden that we were expecting. Perhaps it would be just the boost he needed to feel even better.
*****
Between RPH, Raine obligations, Lyric, and trying to get as much rest as possible, the days passed by in a blur. One more week and I’d be in my second trimester. I’d started another blog, just as I had with Lyric. And as with Lyric’s, it wasn’t public. It was for my eyes only. I’d also started making plans for a new nursery. I wondered if it was a girl or a boy. I thought a girl would level the playing field. I could so easily picture Lyric and Aiden teaming up against Cadence and me. That was the name I’d choose if it were a girl. Cadence. I thought it fit perfectly.
These moments, the ones where I skipped ahead and imagined a happy future for the four of us, those are the moments that k
ept me going. I was still tired as heck and I still hadn’t seen my husband, but at least we were talking.
He was so sure he couldn’t protect me. He wanted to be everything to me—my friend, my lover, my protector, and in my eyes he was all those things and more. But in his, he wasn’t. I’d sent him a gift … just a reminder, and hopefully an assurance that he was all I’d ever need. It was a walking cane that concealed a twenty-five inch sword. Along with it was a note.
I don’t need your legs to feel protected; all I need is your love.
—Aria
We’d spoken the day it had been delivered, but he hadn’t mentioned it. He never mentioned anything that had to do with his medical condition. I wasn’t sure if that meant he was getting better or if he was so upset that he couldn’t broach the subject with me. So I typically followed his cue, only discussing the topics he introduced. Initially it was Lyric, and then it became RPH. I was just happy that I had those moments with him. I missed him, and I could hear it in his voice … he missed me, too.
*****
Seriously? A wet dream? How was that remotely possible given my current predicament? The last thing on my mind was sex. I guessed my body missed my husband even more than I was willing to admit, especially to him. I looked at the time and groaned. I was late. Had my alarm not sounded? I had just enough time to shower and get dressed. I was scheduled for a 10 o’clock meeting with some of the executive staff and I was nowhere near prepared for it. Groaning, I pulled the sheets back and my eyes widened as I took in the horror of the blood-stained sheets. Blood, lots of it … everywhere. The sound of my scream filled the room.
“Nooooo! Please, God no!” I cried. Too afraid to move, I muffled my screams as I tried to make sense of what had happened.
“Are you okay?”
I looked up to see a frantic Dianna stepping into the room. Her gaze fell to the bed and she rushed over to me.
“No,” I said, shaking my head and crying. “I don’t know. Dianna, I’m pregnant,” I blurted out.
“We need to get you to the hospital,” she said, her eyes wide with alarm.
“I don’t want to move. Maybe if I just lie here really still, everything will be okay,” I said, pulling the covers around me and hiding the blood.
“Aria, you need to go to the hospital. Something could be wrong.”
I shook my head. “No. It’s stress. That’s all it is. I need to calm down and keep still. That’s all.”
“Aria you’ve lost a lot of blood. You can’t just lie here in that. I’ll call—”
“No!” I said, a second flare of panic ripping through me. “Don’t call Aiden. Please. Promise you won’t tell him, Dianna. I haven’t told him. He doesn’t know I’m pregnant.”
“I was about to say I was going to call 911,” she said, lifting the phone from the nightstand.
“No, don’t do that. Aiden will hear the sirens.”
“Aria, stop it. You need to think about your well-being right now,” Dianna said.
She lifted the phone from the cradle and dialed. “Can you get to the main house? Mrs. Raine needs to get to the emergency room as soon as possible.”
“Who did you call, Dianna?” I asked, when she hung up the phone.
“Scott. He can get us there much faster than having to wait on an ambulance.”
“He’ll only tell Aiden,” I said, crying as I lay in bed hoping and praying everything was okay.
Dianna went to my drawer and came back with a fresh gown and a robe. “Let’s get you in these,” she said.
Moments later, Scott was in the bedroom, his face growing alarmed as he took in my surroundings.
“We need to get her to the hospital as quickly as possible,” Dianna said.
Without hesitating, Scott lifted me from the bed and carried me from the bedroom. We were down the stairs and in the SUV in no time.
“Lyric,” I said, once I was seated in the back of the vehicle.
“Lia hasn’t left for class,” Dianna said. “I told her to stay with him.”
As we sped past the guest house, I knew it was only a matter of time before Aiden knew everything.
“If anything has happened to this baby …” I whispered, tears spilling down my cheeks.
*****
I was here again … at this dreadful place, the one that served as a harsh reminder of what had been taken away from Aiden and me. And once again, I’d exit its doors with less than what I had upon my entrance. Staring up at the white ceiling tiles, I whispered, “My baby didn’t make it.” I squeezed my eyes shut, and a tear rolled down my cheek. “It was all my fault.”
“This isn’t anyone’s fault,” said Dianna.” It just means it wasn’t time for your little one to come into this world.”
I turned toward Dianna, who was standing at my bedside, a woeful expression on her kind face. “Then why did I get pregnant? If it wasn’t the right time, I would have never gotten pregnant,” I replied.
She pursed her lips, and smoothed her hands over my hair. “I can’t answer that, Aria, but I do know that when the time is right, you and Aiden will be blessed with another child.”
This loss would destroy Aiden. I didn’t know how much more he could take, and this … this would be the final straw. “He can’t know about this. He can never know,” I said. “I don’t know what will happen if he ever finds out. I asked Scott not to tell him, but I doubt he listened.”
“I know you don’t agree, but Aiden needs to know,” she said. “You two need each other. You need to grieve together.”
“Why do so many bad things continue to happen to us? Are we being punished? It’s like we’re given a sliver of hope, a tiny piece of happiness and then it’s snatched away. And Aiden … he’s already trying to cope with his paralysis. He’s convinced himself that he’s no good for me. How can he hear something like this? It will only set him back that much further.”
“And what about you?” she asked.
I sniffed as I wiped a palm across my cheeks. “I’ll be fine. What choice do I have to be anything but?”
“You’re not alone. You have your family, and you need to let us be here for you.”
As badly as I wanted to believe her, I didn’t feel that way. I felt alone. As if I were doing it all by myself. I had support, if you want to call paid staff my support, sure. But how much did that really count? The Raines, my sisters, April, Dianna—they would all be here for me if I needed them to be, but I was tired of needing them. I wanted my baby. I wanted my husband. I wanted the marriage we’d promised each other. I wanted the life we’d fantasized about, but if Aiden didn’t make a full recovery, I knew that would never happen.
Chapter Thirty
Lying on my side, I stared blankly out the window, the early morning sun streaming through and bathing me in what most would consider a beautiful day … but not me. Peering through the glass, I only saw the bleakness that I felt.
Moving my hand, I felt a twinge of pain and wondered when they would take the damned IV from my arm. It shouldn’t still be this uncomfortable, unless Nurse Betty inserted it wrong. That wasn’t her name, but I couldn’t recall what it really was. Returning my attention to the window, I wondered if I’d missed any birds. One or two occasionally flew by … I’d counted eleven so far. I wondered if they were all headed to the same destination. Or maybe they were mother birds, each out scouring for food to return to the baby birds awaiting them at home in their nests.
I traced my hand over my empty womb, the tears starting again, falling in endless streams down my cheeks. I’d lost our baby. And now I had to mourn that loss alone. Aiden couldn’t know. He could never know. It would destroy him. He simply wasn’t at a point where he could take this type of news. Things had gone from bad to worse. And the long bouts of lows made me question if there were to be any more highs. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Aiden and I weren’t supposed to be like this if we were meant to be … right?
The drugs must have led me to unconsciousness becau
se when I next opened my eyes, everything was different. The blue and white of the sky had transitioned into a grayish evening awaiting the twinkle of the stars.
“You’re awake,” came Dianna’s voice from behind me.
I turned over as she walked toward the bed.
“I brought you some flowers and a card from Lyric,” she said, passing an envelope to me.
I tried to manage a smile, but I doubted it appeared on my lips. “Thank you.”
She motioned around the room. “And as you can see, you have many other well-wishers.”
I took in the dozens of bouquets placed on nearly every available surface. Aiden … this was one of his signature moves. He knew.
“How are you feeling?” Dianna asked.
“I don’t know. Empty. Sad.”
“It’s going to be okay. Give it some time,” she said.
“I don’t know how it could ever be okay again. So many things are broken now, and I don’t see a way to repair any of them.”
“I know you didn’t want Aiden to know, but as you expected, Scott told him. But he would have found out anyway. It’s been all over the news. Another patient recognized you and was sourced as an eye-witness.”
“Do they really want a story so badly?” I let out a sigh. “Of course they do. They don’t care that this very sad, very private time should remain just that,” I said. “How did Aiden take it?”
A grim-faced Dianna stood over my bed, her lips pursed as she grasped my hand and looked down at me. “Pretty badly.”
I shook my head. “I would have never told him … not about this.”
“It’s admirable that you wanted to protect him. It shows your strength, but he deserved to know. You don’t need secrets between you, and most importantly, he needs to go through this with you.”
“How’s our patient?” Heather asked as she breezed into the room.
“As well as can be expected,” I replied, looking away from Dianna.
“Dr. Grist reviewed your file and your blood count is back up,” Heather said. “You should be able to go home tomorrow.”