Forever Touched

by Lilly Wilde

  Home. What did that even look like? “I don’t understand what happened,” I said. “Why did I lose the baby?”

  “It could have been any number of reasons, but basically this was the body’s way of saying it wasn’t ready. I realize this wasn’t a planned pregnancy, but there’s no reason you won’t be able to try again when you’re ready. Actually, studies indicate the sooner a woman conceives after a miscarriage, the better the chances of having a healthy pregnancy.”

  I didn’t even want to think about that.

  “I ran into your husband outside the door, he’s been here since shortly after you were brought in yesterday. I’m not sure why he wouldn’t come in.”

  I looked back to Dianna. She didn’t mention that Aiden was here. Why? And why hadn’t he made his presence known?

  Aiden wasn’t ready to face me … and he must have known I wasn’t ready to face him either.

  “He asked about your condition,” Heather continued. “But I told him I’d have to obtain your permission first. Do you mind if I share an update with him?”

  I shook my head. “No, I don’t mind.” If she’d known Aiden as well as I did, she wouldn’t have bothered to ask that question, because he would have gotten an update regardless of my granting permission.

  Once Heather was gone, I looked at Dianna. “Why didn’t you tell me Aiden was here?”

  She leaned in and kissed my forehead. “I’m going to let you get some rest. Remember what I said. Don’t shut each other out.”

  “Dianna—”

  “I have to get back to Lyric. It’s nearly time for dinner and his bath.”

  I was glad Lyric had her. With both of his parents out of commission, he needed her now more than ever. I rolled over in bed, facing the window again. Not wanting to think about Aiden, I wondered where those eleven birds had gotten off to.

  Minutes later, the door opened and someone was shuffling behind me. I didn’t bother to look. Those nurses were in and out of my room every few hours or so, checking my vitals or bringing in that horrible crap they called food. I wanted to go home, but Dr. Grist had said she wanted me to stay overnight. I didn’t see the point in that. My baby was gone. There was nothing she needed to check on.

  “Aria,” came a voice from behind me. It was Aiden.

  I hadn’t been in the same room with him in so long that it felt strange. I’d wanted to be near him for weeks, and now here I was, afraid to look at him.

  “Are you awake?” he asked when I didn’t answer.

  Turning over in bed, I was surprised to see he wasn’t in the wheel chair. He was holding a bouquet of yellow tulips and he was standing. He wasn’t holding onto the bed rails and he didn’t have anyone assisting him. He was actually walking … and with the cane I’d sent him. The one he hadn’t even bothered to acknowledge he’d received. I briefly glimpsed his face before the water in my eyes blurred him from my vision.

  I didn’t know what to say and obviously he didn’t either. He just stood there looking down at me. I wiped my tears and stared at him, watching the sadness in his eyes. And then the pit of my despair took over. I started to sob. Aiden’s hand was on my shoulder.

  He went for the chair at the foot of the bed and moved it beside me and took a seat.

  “I’m sorry,” he said.

  “I just want to go home.”

  “That’s why I’m here. I’m staying again tonight. Tomorrow, I’ll take you home.”

  “No. I don’t want you there. And I don’t want you to take me. I’ll call Tristan.”

  “Aria—”

  “Please. Please,” I said, wiping my eyes. “Just honor my request, Aiden.”

  After a period of silence he replied. “Okay. Whatever you need.”

  I glanced up at him, alarmed by the sheen of tears reflecting in his gaze. And then something inside me snapped. I’d been blaming myself for this loss, but he’d done this. If he hadn’t been so determined to shield me from what he thought was best, to shut me out, this would have never happened. Because of him and his decisions, another child of ours had paid the price. He’d caused this. Not me!

  “Can you please go?” Had he let me in or at the very least, not been an ass to me, I wouldn’t have stressed to the point of hurting my body and losing my baby.

  “Please don’t ask me to do that. We both lost a child,” he said.

  “So now it’s we? When did that happen? Oh, where’s my head? I forgot—you get to decide when we’re together and when we aren’t.”

  “I won’t say anything to make matters worse. I won’t,” he said.

  I snorted. “Too bad you didn’t have that frame of mind weeks ago. Being around you wouldn’t be good for either of us right now. And I know you know that, so why are you still here?”

  “I’ll go. I’ll leave. I won’t argue with you,” he said. “But I’m not leaving the hospital.”

  Looking away from his woeful gaze, I rolled to the other side of the bed. A few moments later, the door opened and I was alone again. Curling up into a ball, I tried to hold it all together, all the fragile pieces, but nothing could contain what was going on inside. So I gave into it, feeling every part of me as it broke.

  *****

  “No!” I screamed awake. “No!”

  Wait. It was just a dream. Everything’s fine.

  I took in my surroundings. I was in a hospital. It all came rushing back. It wasn’t a dream. I placed my hand on my abdomen. I’d lost my baby. I’d lost my Cadence. “No! No! No!” I screamed over and over into the pillow, my insides aching as the emptiness swallowed me.

  Hours later, I was given one final exam by Dr. Grist. She signed the release papers, and I was free to go home. As he’d said, Aiden was still there, sitting outside my door when the discharge staff wheeled me out of the hospital room. For a brief moment, our eyes connected, but then I looked away. I still wasn’t ready. Tristan was waiting at the front entrance, and once I was settled in the car, we moved from the circular drive, headed to a home that didn’t include Cadence.

  “I’m sorry for your loss, Mrs. Raine,” Tristan said once we were in the house.

  “Thank you.”

  “Do you need me to get you anything?” he asked.

  “No, I’m fine. You can actually go home if you’d like. Take a few days off.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes.”

  “Call if you need anything,” he said.

  “I will.”

  Following the happy noises that drifted to the foyer, I stepped into the kitchen to see Dianna and Lyric. They both had bowls placed in front of them. She’d take a spoonful of food and then coax Lyric into repeating her gesture.

  “Look who’s feeding himself,” I said, stepping beside the two of them.

  “Ma-ma,” Lyric said, waving the spoon in his hand.

  “Yes, it’s your mommy and I’m home,” I said. I wiped his face and lifted him from the high chair. “Thanks for being here for him, Dianna.”

  “Where else would I be?”

  “Was Aiden here?” I asked, noticing the toy plane on the table beside her bowl.

  “Yes. He moved back in yesterday,” Dianna said.

  So he’s back at the house? So much for respecting my wishes. He gets to step out whenever he wants and bar me from seeing him. Yet he gets to reinsert himself in my life whenever he wants.

  “I’m going to take Lyric upstairs and spend some time with him.”

  “Okay. If you need anything, please let me know.”

  “I will. Thank you.”

  Walking down the hall, I saw Aiden stepping from our bedroom. “What are you doing here?” I asked.

  “I was just leaving. I wanted to make sure everything was comfortable for you,” he said.

  Maybe I was wrong to be upset with him, I didn’t know. I knew I didn’t want to be, but I was. “Everything here is fine. Go back to your home because it sure as hell isn’t here.”

  “Aria, please,” he whispered, his eyes pl
eading with mine. “Do you really want me to go?”

  “I don’t care what you do,” I said, and stepped past him.

  “The doctor said you were nearly three months pregnant,” he said.

  I didn’t reply. I turned back to face him, but no words would come. How could they when so many feelings were jumbled up inside me? Each one adding to the violent mix of emotions I couldn’t get a handle on. But there was one … one that I could easily tap into … the one that could deliver the final blow for us. I was afraid of what that meant, of how it would be unleashed. For now, it was sitting idle just beneath the surface. But what would become of us when it manifested itself? Would our relationship be the fatality of the storm brewing inside me?

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Although my bedroom had been restored to its impeccably tidy state, I still saw the bloody mess I’d left behind. My gaze traveled over the room. Everything was in its proper place. As if the last couple of days had never happened. I held onto Lyric a little tighter, pushing down memories of a place in time that would always haunt me. I didn’t want to be in this room, I didn’t want to be in this house, but this was the place in which I’d last had everything: Aiden, Lyric, and Cadence. And for those three reasons, I stayed.

  *****

  Aiden was around, but he steered clear of me … not even crossing my path in the nursery. Maybe I should have been disappointed or maybe even worried that he was keeping his distance, but I wasn’t. I was relieved. I didn’t know what to say to him, and I had a feeling that whatever I did say would come out wrong and push us both deeper into an alley we couldn’t back out of.

  Shortly after putting Lyric down for a nap, Karen announced that my sisters had arrived. I didn’t feel much like going downstairs, so she sent them up. They pulled me into a hug and we cuddled up in my bed, watching back-to-back episodes of Bianca’s favorite Netflix series until I’d fallen asleep.

  The following morning, I awakened to breakfast in bed. I didn’t have much of an appetite, but Lia and Bianca kept on me until I had something in my stomach. As far as distractions went, they were great, but nothing pushed the heartache away for long.

  When they found me sinking back into my thoughts, they asked my advice on college courses and possible internships … anything to keep me talking. And then it was their turn. They filled me in on the oddities of some of their professors. And the guys—they’d had to ward off their fair share of weirdos seeking to satisfy a fantasy of twins in the bedroom. I told them that would probably continue. Some guys could be real perverts. Bianca and Landon had made a little headway, but she was still cautious, taking it one day a time. Lia was also dating someone. Well, maybe dating wasn’t the right word. They’d only had lunch and a study session so far, but she seemed to really like him.

  The girls stayed overnight again, and since I was feeling better the next day, we decided it would be a great time for our once-a-month pizza date. When Lia mentioned inviting Aiden to join us, I considered cancelling all together, but the more I thought about it, I was okay with it. It was less pressure with them around us, and it afforded me the opportunity to test my feelings. And if things got awkward, the girls could fill in the bouts of discomfort.

  There were the occasional uncomfortable glances; the hurt Aiden and I shared was evident. Although we said very little in the ways of conversation, I was actually glad he was there. He surprised me—being on his best behavior, not once trying to push his way. That never happened. Ever. And I didn’t know if that made me more or less worried about the state of our relationship.

  I observed my sisters, smiling and kidding around like they did before the sister-debacle. They’d officially resumed their happy-duo status. As I watched them, I couldn’t help but notice they were less and less identical, not in terms of physical appearance, but personality-wise. Their bright amber eyes sparkled with mischievousness as they shared stories of how they occasionally filled in for one another, often leaving friends and classmates none the wiser. We even had a few laughs at my expense—the girls taunting me about my sleep talking. Obviously, I’d been mumbling something about having paint in my hair. That was more than likely attributable to my time in New York with Kellan.

  After a few rounds of Catch Phrase, we called it a night, and the next morning, I relieved my sisters of their duty as my babysitter. I assured them I would be fine and sent them on their way. I needed time to myself. To just be … and to think.

  After a drawn-out goodbye, I wandered aimlessly around the house before finally heading upstairs. Standing in the doorway of my bedroom, I imagined how it would have possibly looked if Cadence was still with us … if Aiden had never left our home. I folded my arms around my torso, tears falling as I gave into the emptiness. I curled up in bed as agonized sobs emitted from my chest. I’d been alone just shy of fifteen minutes, and already, I felt my world crumbling around me again.

  *****

  Time to myself hadn’t gone as planned. I alternated between crying and sleeping. And that suited me just fine—I didn’t want to be awake, because I didn’t want to remember.

  After the fifth day, I was starting to feel almost normal again and decided I was ready to return to RPH. Hours and hours of thinking and making lists, and that was the only thing I was sure of. That … and I wanted Lyric with me.

  The first matter at hand though, was getting my house in order. I headed downstairs to find Aiden and Anja. She was reviewing Aiden’s physical therapy schedule and filling him in on his upcoming doctor’s appointments. They both looked up when I entered his office. I gave Anja a taut smile just before relieving her of her duties as Aiden’s nurse, and then tossing a glance at Aiden. I dared him to object. He didn’t say a word. He thanked Anja for her work and made a call to have her resume her position at one of the practices he owned.

  As she left the room, she reminded Aiden that his future appointments would all occur outside of the house. I didn’t ask why, but I guessed he wanted any excuse to get some air … just as I did. I didn’t know what was going to happen to Aiden and me, but I knew we wouldn’t be able to withstand a strained relationship that consisted primarily of hellos and goodnights.

  *****

  Over the course of the next few days, the wall between Aiden and me seemed to grow taller with each rise and fall of the sun. It was as though we were both sifting through the wreckage of what was left. It seemed all I had was hope, and I was trying to hold on to that—but hope hurts. I knew first hand just how much.

  Although Aiden was back in our home, he was sleeping on a different floor. I saw him, of course, but those moments were filled with resentment. I couldn’t stop thinking of how things could have been had he been less stubborn … less prideful. Had he allowed us to help him or taken a chance with the counseling, we might have had so much to celebrate right now. While I was angry with him, I was also sad for him. He’d lost another opportunity to share a pregnancy with me. We’d lost another opportunity to share it together.

  We were cordial but distant. There were no talks of what was or what would be. It was just two people going through the motions. We had dinner every night. It was always a quiet meal. He’d ask how my day was. My reply was always the same. I’d then ask him about his day and he would echo my one-word response. Then we fell into quietness.

  The outward silence was nothing. I could deal with that, but the struggle in my head was taxing on even the best of days. I’d started using my little mind tricks to avoid thinking about what was always there. I didn’t allow myself to reflect on anything beyond what I was doing—tasting, eating, drinking. I focused on the flavors, trying to determine which ingredients were the most prevalent. The texture of the food on my tongue, the bouquet of the wine. Anything but the reason Aiden and I had evolved into this quiet, distant couple.

  And then there was the rage, the part of me that was sitting in wait. One evening over dinner, Aiden said he loved me. And that’s when the anger finally revealed itself, and my relationship
with Aiden went from bad to worse.

  “You made a fool of me in front of our staff! I was in tears. Begging you … begging them to let me see my fucking husband! And what did you do? You sat in the house, listening. How could you do that to me? And then you have the nerve to walk in here and tell me that you love me! You can save it. I don’t want that kind of love. So the same way you strolled in here, you can stroll right back out! And if you think for one second I’m going to forgive what you’ve done or forget what you’ve taken from us, you’re in for a rude awakening.”

  Aiden didn’t say anything. He did one better. Something in his eyes paled. He’d let go of his resolve. “Very well,” he said, as he stood to leave. “But I do love you. You know that. I’m just an idiot when it comes to protecting you.”

  *****

  “Mrs. Raine, are you ready for our meeting?” Andrea asked. She was standing near the door, tablet in hand. I still wasn’t used to her, and I wished I had Raina. Andrea was a great assistant, so I really couldn’t complain, but it had felt different with Raina. It was like she was less of a co-worker and more of a friend—something I hadn’t truly realized until she was gone. Andrea and I weren’t as formal as we could have been I suppose, especially since I was seemingly her only outlet for venting about her boyfriend. How in the hell had I let that happen?

  I scanned the stacks of papers and files on my desk. “Yes, let’s try to tackle some of this. Hopefully I can pass most of it off to someone else,” I said.

  “I never knew you to be one to pass the buck,” came a voice from behind Andrea. She stepped aside, allowing Aiden to walk into my office. It was as though the last few months had never happened. He was walking without the cane and he was utterly mesmerizing. The air of confidence that had drawn me to him was back with a vengeance, and he was clean-shaven and … well, hell, he was Aiden. Dressed in black slacks and a crisp white shirt that hugged the muscles of his physique, he was the man who’d walked into my life a little over two years ago. I wanted to run to him, to fall into his arms, to feel him surrounding me, but I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.