by Lilly Wilde
“No, I was thinking about the first time you told me that.”
I scrunched my brows. “I don’t follow.”
“Well, you didn’t tell me per say. You told Aiden Wyatt.”
“Oh, God.” I rolled my eyes. “Who knows what I didn’t say to that arrogant jerk.”
“A jerk you married.”
“And I’ve often questioned that decision.”
“No, you haven’t,” he said.
“Seriously, I did. When things were bad between us. But even then, my love for you, for us … it never wavered.”
“Neither did mine. I knew I was lucky to have you. I knew what I had.” He leaned over and kissed me. “I want you to stay home with me today,” he said, then scooped me up in his arms and carried me to the shower.
Once we were clean, we slid into our robes, and instead of going upstairs, we headed to the bedroom that adjoined Aiden’s office.
“What about Lyric?” I asked, once Aiden had placed me in the bed.
He opened the bedside table and pulled out one of the hand-held baby monitors. “Do you think I would ever leave my boy to fend for himself? Besides, I plan to have Dianna stay overnight.”
“I have spare monitors in a few rooms, too,” I said, smiling. “Do you think we’ll always be this obsessed with our son?”
“I don’t know. I think so. Even when I was in the guest house, I had the viewing monitor. I’d see you with him. It was difficult to watch.”
Aiden became quiet.
“Everything okay?” I asked.
He sat at the head of the bed, his gaze cautious. “I want to make a baby with you,” he said. “I want to give Lyric a little sister or brother.”
My brows rose. “That came out of nowhere.”
“Not really. I’ve been thinking about it for a while now.”
“I know how special this would be for us,” I said. “Planning the pregnancy and sharing every minute of it.” My mind flashed back to the baby we’d lost. I didn’t want to go through that again, but I wanted this with him. “Do you think we’re ready?”
“I was wondering that myself. If it’s too soon after losing …”
“After losing Cadence,” I said, completing his sentence.
“Cadence?”
“I never told you this, but I was convinced the baby was a girl. And I’d thought Cadence was the perfect name for her. So when I thought of her then, and even now, that’s how I refer to her.”
Aiden smiled. “That’s a beautiful name.”
I let out a sigh. Although we’d talked it out in counseling and even between the two of us, it still hurt to talk about the baby we’d never have. “I don’t want to do it just to make up for what we didn’t share the first time.”
“That’s not what this is,” he said. “This is about us. About my love for you. About the joy of having my child grow inside you.”
I saw it in his eyes. The desire he had for another child with me. It would mean the world to him, but were we ready? “Lyric is barely one. How are we going to deal with two toddlers? And then there’s RPH.”
“First off, our son is nearly one and a half. Secondly, I know you don’t want your career to take a backseat. And it won’t. We’ll have help.”
I crawled into his lap and he pulled me closer. “I’m starting to feel selfish, but I want it all,” I said. “Is that wrong?”
His lips touched my forehead. “No. It isn’t. And you can have it all. I’ll make sure of it.”
“Do you always have the answers to everything? It’s quite irritating,” I said.
“Are you ready to try?” he asked, his green eyes warm on my face.
I nodded. “I am.”
“Really?”
“Yes.” And I was. When Cadence was inside me, I had a joy I’d never experienced. I’d been happy carrying Lyric, but there had been so much confusion and deceit surrounding that pregnancy. Cadence had been different. And this pregnancy would be a different experience altogether, because Aiden and I were in a good place. A very good place.
“You should schedule an appointment with Dr. Grist,” Aiden said. “Make sure everything’s okay. See what she recommends in terms of timing.”
“Timing? Are you referring to the miscarriage?”
“Yes, and the birth control. You’re still on it, right?”
“Well, not really,” I said, sitting up.
“Either you are or you aren’t.”
“With all of the chaos, I lost track of my schedule. So, I skipped here and there. Eventually, I said, why bother at all.”
“So that means you could be pregnant already?” Aiden asked, his voice hopeful.
I shrugged. “I guess. But I don’t feel any different. Which means next to nothing considering I didn’t feel any changes with Lyric or Cadence.”
“But you could be.”
“Calm down, Daddy,” I said, and smiled at him. “I’ll get a checkup and we can go from there.”
*****
“I bought these,” Aiden said, dumping a bag of pregnancy tests on the bed.
“Did you leave any for the other customers?” I asked. He’d purchased several of different name brands.
“Some of these are for early detection, but not as reliable as some of the others, so I figured I’d grab them all … you know, to cover our bases.”
“Okay,” I said. He really wanted this. I did, too, but it seemed to be all he could think about since deciding to get pregnant. Dr. Grist had given us the go ahead and we’d been trying ever since, which in all honesty was the same as when we weren’t trying. Aiden and I had sex … a lot.
“So …”
“What?” I asked.
“Are you going to take the test?”
“I’d actually picked up one myself this afternoon, and I was planning to take it in the morning.”
He passed the box to me. “Why wait? We’re both here. Let’s do it now.”
“Okay.” I didn’t feel pregnant. I’d been actually looking for signs this time, but I didn’t feel any different than I had before. I was in the bathroom about to sit on the toilet when I noticed Aiden had followed me. “Are you going to watch me pee?”
“Aria, just take the test,” he said, unable to disguise his impatience.
I hated when he was like this, and I was worried about his reaction if the results weren’t what he expected.
*****
We sat in the bathroom and waited. I was at the vanity and Aiden sat on the steps of the tub. Every few seconds, he checked his watch.
“Do you think the timer on that thing is off?” he asked.
“I don’t know. How long has it been?”
“More time than it should have.” He walked over to the test sitting on the counter, and the timer sounded as soon as he picked it up. Something inside me dropped when I saw the frown on his face. The results were just as I’d expected.
“It’s negative,” he said, grimly.
“That just means more practice and I know how much you love that,” I said, trying to keep his spirits up.
“Well, that’s a given.”
Aiden was still holding the test, scowling at it.
“Why are you looking at it like that? Throw it in the trash,” I said.
He looked up from the stick. “I think we should try another one.”
“I don’t think we need to do that. I really don’t think I’m pregnant.”
“And you didn’t last time, but you were,” he said.
This was going to be a painful process for the both of us. “Fine, give me another one.”
He left the bathroom and returned with a handful of the tests. After sorting through a few of them, he said, “Try this one.”
My heart clenched and I choked back the tears I wanted to shed for him. He looked so hopeful, but I knew the result for this test would be the same as the other. I may not have known when I was pregnant, but I definitely knew when I wasn’t.
After seeing the second negative result, Aid
en sighed.
“It’s okay,” I said. “As much as we have sex, we’ll be pregnant in no time.”
“Take off your clothes,” he said, abruptly.
“What?”
He grabbed at my pants. “Let’s have sex.”
“Aiden, stop,” I said, pushing his hands away.
“Why?” he asked. “Have you changed your mind?”
“No,” I said. “But I don’t want this to become a chore, either.”
“Since when is fucking me a chore?”
“That’s not what I said.”
“Okay, then what’s the problem?” he asked, pulling me from the bathroom. His mouth was already on mine, moving with a sense of urgency. “I want this,” he said, between kisses. “I want you.”
I recoiled from his aggression. “Aiden. No.”
He looked at me as if he didn’t understand why I was rejecting his advances. He shook his head and then walked out of the room.
I plopped on the side of the bed. This was not how I envisioned this process. Not at all. How could I convince him to let this happen naturally? It wasn’t like either of us needed the added pressure.
There was a knock at the door. I looked up and there he was, standing in the doorway. “I’m sorry. I promised to be better, and I want to keep that promise,” he said. He walked over and sat beside me. “I just really want this with you.”
My husband was growing. He’d come back. He didn’t let things fester and blow up into another Aria-Aiden showdown. “I know you do. I want it, too. More than you know.”
“I’ve often felt I wanted this more than you.”
“I’ve been too afraid to … after losing …” I trailed off.
“And here I am being a first-class jerk.”
“Eh … it’s who you are,” I said, lightening the moment.
*****
Since the trip to the island, and with the baby-making plans underway, I’d had my fair share of control in the bedroom. And I’d wanted this—a way to restore the balance between us. Aiden’s male pride wouldn’t let him readily admit it, but he enjoyed the way I exerted my control. It had become routine, and he never knew what I’d ask for next, or who he’d come home to—the ill-behaved nurse, the naughty housekeeper, or the French tutor—and more often than not, he went along with me. And then there were those days and nights when he couldn’t give in to me, when he took over and every time was like the first … lowering my defenses, giving in to him and letting him do just as he pleased.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Sitting cross-legged on the Italian fill-grain white leather sofa, I let out a sigh. I knew there was a lot on my schedule, but I hadn’t expected Andrea’s list to be quite so extensive. I moved my index finger over the tablet’s screen, considering the possible venues for the upcoming RPH launch party.
“You have a very busy week, Mrs. Raine,” Tristan said, as he scrolled into my home office.
Without looking up, I said, “Give me just a second.” After highlighting my top picks for Andrea, I dropped the tablet in my lap. “Okay, let’s hear it.” I motioned for Tristan to have a seat in one of the two chairs positioned closest to me.
“Today alone, you have holiday tea with the foreign dignitaries—today’s their last day here and per your request, I’ve already rescheduled twice. After lunch, there’s the unveiling of the Christmas nativity, the charity Christmas supper after that, and then finally the Boston Common tree lighting ceremony with the mayor.”
“Okay. Remind me why we scheduled all this on one day.”
“Because you wanted to have the last two weeks free for family,” he said, looking up from his electronic calendar.
“I know. I know,” I said, with a sigh. “Let’s make sure Dianna knows to have Lyric ready for the nativity unveiling. I’d like for him to go with me, and Aiden will be joining me for both dinner and the tree lighting.”
“Will do,” he said. “Is Lyric not attending the evening ceremony?”
“No. I’d like for him to go, but he has the sniffles, and I’m worried the night air will make it worse. I hate he’s going to miss it, but we’ll more than make up for it with everything else we have planned.”
“I’ll make sure Dianna knows.”
“What do I have tomorrow?” I asked. “And let’s go to my desk. I think we need to move some things around later in the week.”
After Tristan and I reviewed my schedule, I started a conference call with the imprint launch team. The meeting ran longer than I expected, so I ended up cutting out early, leaving them to wrap things up. It was going to be a very long day.
*****
With charming holiday decorations placed in nearly every room, and seasonal music floating from the sound system, our home had become an enchanted Christmas village. The pine-sweet smell of nearly a half dozen trees drifted through the house. Each room held exquisite floral pieces—some embellished with holly, others with red amaryllis blooms and berries. The mantles were all adorned with fresh greenery and stunning glass figurines, and the traditional nutcracker dutifully watched over it all.
It had taken a lot of help to get the house Christmas-ready. Aiden and I decorated quite a bit of it ourselves. We spent many a day walking hand in hand to several shops in downtown Boston, selecting items for our first Christmas as husband and wife.
We continued the Raine family tradition—decorating a separate tree for each of us. Although Sienna had passed down quite a few of Aiden’s ornaments, we procured several keepsakes of our own. Our quest for decorations had quickly become a string of wonderful excursions—visiting antique shops, designing our own, or ordering online. We’d even flown to the Big Apple to visit a few stores that carried legendary collections of vintage ornaments. Although the relentless New York cold made it tempting to stay inside, we enjoyed most of our weekend on foot. We were lost in the crowds, peeking through the lavishly decorated windows, stopping to admire the brightly lit trees, and ducking into quaint little coffee houses to get warm. I fell in love with one of the shops, so much so, that I wandered around too long for Aiden and Lyric’s tastes. As they went off on their own, I took my time choosing an assortment of specialty ornaments—some were fairly standard new-age trinkets, while others were collectibles from the 1950s. As I stepped out of the shop to meet up with my two favorite guys, I’d thought about calling Kellan to meet us for dinner. I was sure he’d love to see Lyric, but instead of making the offer, I kept it at just the three of us. I didn’t want to risk anything spoiling our holiday.
Trimming the trees made for the sweetest of brisk wintry evenings. In the family room was the most grand of all the Christmas trees—standing at twelve feet, the balsam fir took center stage. Lia and Bianca had had a hand in creating the picture-perfect end product. It had taken hours, but keeping Lyric away from the tree proved to be a more daunting task than decorating it. I’d lost track of the number of times I had to pull him away from it—each time he screamed at the top of his lungs, struggling in my arms as we left the tree behind.
The smaller trees positioned throughout the house were also his targets. Lyric was a toddler on a mission; he raced toward those, too, but none of the trees made his eyes as big as the one in the family room. He was seemingly spellbound, but the spell was always broken when Mommy or Daddy pulled him away from it. It was adorable watching his father scold him. “Daddy says no.” That’s all Aiden would say. And then he’d rub Lyric’s back, soothing his cries as he carried his son to the kitchen for a treat. Some scolding. It had happened so often that I thought Lyric was doing it just for the treat. I’d even said as much to Aiden, but he dismissed it as ridiculous. Of course a one-year old couldn’t manipulate him, right?
Bedtime was probably my favorite time of day. Not because it allowed for intimate time with my husband—I’d never have enough of that. It was special because it was our time—just us. I’d grab a juice cup for Lyric and a cup of cocoa or a warm after-dinner cocktail for Aiden and me. While I busied
myself with drinks, Lyric and Daddy piled a heap of pillows on the floor in the family room. Once we were all comfortable near the warm, cozy fire, Aiden and I would take turns reading Christmas stories to Lyric.
*****
“How about a little Michael Bublé?” Aiden asked one evening after we’d tucked our son in. He walked to the control center on the wall, and selected the soft melody of I’ll be Home for Christmas.
“This is one of my absolute favorite Christmas carols,” I said. “His rendition makes me love it even more.”
We sat on the sofa in front of the fireplace and Aiden pulled me into his arms. “The lyrics in this song are my words to you,” Aiden said.
“How so?”
“I was lost. I’d forgotten where my heart lies, but I’m home,” he said and pressed a long kiss to the top of my head. “And never again will I lose my compass.”
Previously, I’d thought last year’s Christmas was one of the best I’d experienced, but this year topped every Christmas I’d ever had. Aiden and I were finally in a place that fit. We still bumped heads from time to time, but that was expected. But the way we handled those bumps was healthier and made for a much happier marriage. Let’s face it—Aiden would always be Aiden, and I would always be me. That’s what drew us together in the first place. We were still madly in love and we still wanted forever. The difference now—thanks to our qualms, unfortunate losses, and Dr. France—was that we had the tools to lead us there.
*****
I headed to the kitchen to check on the preparations for the evening’s dinner. It was my first attempt as hostess for a large holiday gathering of family and friends. Excitement was in the air, but there was a wee bit of nervous energy floating around also, namely because the guest list included a few people who would make for an interesting evening. But then again, maybe Aiden would be on his best behavior as he’d promised … which actually meant very little, considering.
Kellan, Sloan, Allison, and Liam had already arrived. They were enjoying drinks and conversation as I gave some last-minute instructions to the chef.
“I don’t know which of my sister’s dates I have the least regard for,” Aiden said, having joined me in the kitchen.