I Can't Die Alone

by Regina Bartley

  I glanced at Benjamin sheepishly. “They were awful. You wouldn’t have liked them,” he chimed in.

  I snickered under my breath. “Right. They were awful.” I couldn’t keep a straight face.

  “You little liars,” he laughed. “Get up, we have work to do,” Bo said.

  I looked at Benjamin, and he rolled his eyes. I swear we were thinking the exact same thing. All we wanted to do was go back to sleep.

  “Come on!” Bo called out from the kitchen. “Jeez, look at this mess.”

  This time, I rolled my eyes.

  I spent the next twenty minutes slowly moving around the kitchen trying to clean up, while the guys got things together on the picnic table out back to build a bird house. That was Bo’s surprise for me. It was sweet of him to do, but I was still tired from cookies and napping. I didn’t feel much like building things. Of course, I didn’t tell him that.

  Closing the door behind me, I carried three bottles of water to the picnic table.

  “Did you guys start without me?” I asked.

  “No, we’re still setting everything up.” Bo leaned in and kissed my cheek. “We’re going to make one big one, and Dad’s going to set it up over there by that little tree.” He pointed to the far corner of the lot.

  It looked like the perfect place.

  “How are you at painting?” Bo asked me.

  “I’m going to go out on a limb here and say, better than I am with a hammer.”

  “I figured.”

  He had a spot set up for me at the edge of the table where I could paint, and they could do the building at the other end. As I sat there in the evening air, I realized that by wanting to do this, I was giving the two of them some real father-son bonding time. Maybe this was something they’d look back on and share some laughs about. It was worth sitting out there with a paintbrush, even if I didn’t really want to.

  I excused myself to go take another pain pill, and when I came back the boys were nearly finished. You’d think that the two of them were professionals by the way it looked. I was impressed. The craftsmanship was great.

  “Those birds are about to have a mansion.” I said as I slowly took a seat on the wooden bench.

  “I know. I’m kind of impressed myself,” Benjamin said.

  “You okay?” Bo asked when he saw my shoulders sagging. I was tired and worn out from the day. It didn’t seem to take much to make me sluggish.

  “Just tired, that’s all.”

  “Go rest. We don’t mind. You can turn the movie back on in my room, and lay down,” Bo suggested.

  It sounded really good. “Okay,” I replied kind of quickly. I gave each of them a hug and called it a night. The day was great, but I was more than ready for bed.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Turn for the worse

  I was having the best dream when a sharp pain woke me up. Curled up in the fetal position, I felt a crippling pain like a dozen knives stabbing me in my lower back. I couldn’t even speak. Bo stirred next to me, and I realized I’d fallen asleep in his bed.

  I used my hand to grip his arm, but the pain was too much for me, and I wasn’t able to shake him. My hand went back to my stomach so that I could apply as much pressure as possible. “Bo,” I groaned.

  He turned over and saw me lying there in pain. “Tori, oh God. Hold on babe.” He jumped up from the bed and I tightened myself up further into a ball, but it wasn’t working. I cried out. “I’m taking you to the hospital,” he said as he lifted me up off the bed. Holding me cradle style, I closed my eyes. The next thing I felt was him placing me in the car. I only opened my eyes for a moment, and had to shut them again. It was only when I had my eyes closed that I didn’t feel the need to throw up.

  “I’m here Tori, hold on. We’ll be at the hospital soon. Hold on please.”

  I couldn’t answer. My body was hunched over, and my head rested on my lap.

  I needed relief.

  And fast.

  Sometime on the way to the hospital, I must’ve blacked out. The ride was hit-and-miss in my mind. I couldn’t remember it all. One moment we were getting in the car and the next we were getting out. My head lay over on Bo’s shoulder as he carried me into the hospital. The whole time he was whispering sweet words in my ear. He told me that he loved me, and that I was going to be okay. He said that he had a lot more plans for us. If I could have answered him back, I would’ve told him that I loved him too. I would’ve told him that I wanted to do everything that he had planned.

  Bo spoke to the administrator at the desk and told them what was going on. The lady asked several questions and he answered them the best that he could. Her voice was bitter, and Bo’s voice rose several times. I kept my head buried, and winced in pain. I could feel the sweat on my head and chest. It ran between my boobs and down my stomach. When I was in pain, I’d always sweat.

  “Sick!” I yelled out and covered my mouth with my hand. I was going to vomit. I could feel my stomach turning and a pain in my throat.

  “She’s getting you something to be sick in. Hurry lady!” Bo shouted. “Here baby.” He placed the bag in front of me.

  “Put me down Bo,” I gagged.

  “No. It’s fine. If you need to be sick, then you can. I’m not putting you down.”

  I didn’t want him to see it, but he was persistent and so was my stomach. There was no holding it back. I emptied my stomach while he held me in his arms. I had no way of stopping it.

  “There’s blood. Get us to a doctor!” Bo screamed this time. I felt Bo move and I groaned into his chest. A moment later, and the room went dark.

  ***

  For the longest time I could hear everyone’s voices. Bo spoke, and Benjamin, and there was a voice I didn’t recognize. I assumed it was the doctor’s voice. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t open my eyes to respond. I would drift in and out of sleep, but the pain was gone.

  It wasn’t until a long while later that I was finally able to open my eyes. The moment I did, I saw Bo’s face. His eyes were heavy with dark circles under them, and his hand was wrapped in mine. There was a beeping noise coming from a machine that sat next to the bed, and I was never so glad to hear it. The steady beeping meant that I was alive, even if barely.

  “Hey there,” Bo whispered. I tried to respond through the mask on my face, but I couldn’t speak. My mouth was as dry as sandpaper. “I was afraid you’d never wake up.” His eyes were filled with tears and I thought to myself that I hated seeing him like that. When my time came to leave the world it would break him. It would shatter his heart into a million pieces.

  I reached my hand to my throat as a signal that I needed something to drink.

  “I’ll get the nurse.” He stood up and hurried away.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw movement. Benjamin was there too. He came around the side of my bed, and placed his rough hand in mine. “You’ve been here for three days, and that boy has never left your side.”

  I tried to fight off the tears, but they fell anyway. There was no stopping them.

  Three days. It felt like hours in my mind, and I couldn’t believe that he stayed with me the whole time. Hearing Benjamin say those words was almost too much for my emotions. They felt like they were in overdrive. Unable to keep myself calm, I cried out. Not because I was in pain, but because I was such an emotional wreck.

  Benjamin leaned down and wiped my face before he kissed my cheek.

  Bo came back a minute later with the nurse. She moved the mask to the top of my head, and then spooned a piece of ice into my mouth. She said that it was all I was allowed to have until the doctor came to see me. I’d take anything I could get at that point. Once it melted in my mouth I tried to speak again. My voice sounded scratchy, but I could get the words out.

  “Go home,” I told Bo. He shook his head no, but I pleaded. “You need the rest, and I’m not going home anytime soon. Sleep.”

  Benjamin told Bo that he’d stay with me, but it took lots of begging before he
finally left. All I wanted to do was rest, and he looked like he needed it even more than I did. The doctor came in about an hour later to tell me that I could have some more pain medication, and that if all was well, that I’d be leaving the next day. He wanted to run a few more tests, but I declined. I didn’t want more bad news. I knew what was wrong with me, and what was coming. I just wanted to go home with my guys. He said that he’d up my dosage of meds, and that I could take them more frequently. My time was drawing near and I knew it. There was no chance in hell that I’d be getting better. This was my turn for the worse, and my struggle was real. There was no sense in fighting a losing battle, and the hospital was the last place I wanted to be when it happened.

  Benjamin whispered to me, “We’ll go home soon. Just rest.”

  So that was exactly what I did.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Picnic for two

  It took nearly forty-eight hours after we got home for me to feel the least bit better. That painful episode took a lot out of me. I could barely eat, or move for that matter. The guys waited on me hand and foot to the point where I had to tell them to leave the house for a while. It was hard for me to be taken care of like that. I felt like I was being smothered. They were all –what do you need? And I was all- Nothing!

  I can laugh about it now, but at the time I wanted to strangle them both. I know they meant well, but they were driving me nuts!

  This was the first day that I’d been off the couch, and moving around. As soon as the two of them left to go get takeout, I drew myself a bath. After five days, I was surely stinking up the place.

  It was no sooner than I’d gotten into the tub, when the doorbell rang. It couldn’t have been the guys because both of them had a key. I wrapped a blue towel around myself to cover up and padded down the hallway to the front door. The bell rang once more before I opened it. I didn’t want to bear my naked self to the entire neighborhood so I just peeked out from the crack.

  “Um,” the girl said from the other side of the door. She was a petite, blonde haired girl. “I’m looking for Bo?” She questioned.

  “He’s not here right now. Him and his Dad went out to pick up some take-out. They should be back soon though.” I told her.

  Her eyes squinted and she tried hard to catch a further glimpse of me. I wasn’t helping matters by inching the door further closed.

  “Can you tell him that I stopped by?”

  “Sure.” I replied. “What’s your name?”

  “I’m Megan, and you are?” She stretched out her words, waiting for me to respond.

  “I’m Tori.” I tried to smile, but it came out halfhearted.

  “Just tell him to call me.” She turned around and went back down the steps to her car.

  “Okay,” I called out before I closed the door.

  Witch…

  Oh my! Where the hell did that come from?

  Turns out I was the jealous type of girlfriend.

  Who would’ve guessed? Not me. I had no clue.

  Not that I was his girlfriend, although we had said the “L” word. It wasn’t official, and it never would be. I was already selfish for allowing him into my heart, but I couldn’t hide my feelings for him. It was something that I wanted to experience in my lifetime. Being able to love someone is a gift, and I cherished it. I cherished him. Knowing that he was going to suffer at my loss wrecked my soul, but I wouldn’t take it back.

  After finishing up my bath and putting on some clean clothes, I decided that I’d sit outside for a bit. The air was cool as fall was upon us. My time was getting shorter and shorter. Under the mask I’d been wearing, I was terrified. I couldn’t show it though. I couldn’t be weak. If I crumbled, then so would everyone around me.

  I was sitting on the swing in the backyard when Bo and Benjamin got back.

  “There you are,” Bo said as he snuck up on me. His warm hands reached around me as he hugged me from behind. “We’ve got food.”

  My stomach was still weak, and I didn’t feel much like eating. If the two of them hadn’t spent all their free time forcing me to eat, I probably wouldn’t. They were looking out for me, but my appetite was almost nonexistent.

  “I’m enjoying the night air. I don’t really want to get up.”

  He kissed my cheek. “Then I’ll bring the food to you.”

  “But,” I tried to stop him. Unfortunately he is super stubborn. He was back in the house in a flash, and I was back to being forced into eating. It was endless cycle. “You have to eat to keep your strength up,” they’d say.

  What strength? I didn’t have strength before I was sick, and I sure as hell didn’t develop it after I got sick.

  He came back with a sack of food, and a blanket that he stretched out over a patch of grass. “How about a picnic?”

  A picnic.

  It was one of the many things still on my list, and another thing we could cross off.

  I made myself comfortable on the blanket as Bo started unpacking all the food.

  “You had a visitor earlier while you were gone. She said that I should make sure I told you that she stopped by. And she may have said for you to call her, but the information is a little spotty.” I squinted, clearly playing around with him.

  “Oh yeah.” He grinned. “Did you catch her name?”

  “I think it was Marcy, or Molly, or maybe it was Megan. I can’t quite remember. I’m pretty sure it was Megan, but then again. It’s all…”

  “Spotty,” he replied sarcastically.

  “I was going to say cloudy.”

  He laughed and threw a dinner roll towards my head.

  “Hey!”

  “You’re really cute when you’re jealous.”

  “I’m not jealous,” I argued.

  “Right,” he nodded. “I’ll have to send her the –thanks but no thanks, text so she won’t make the mistake of stopping by again.”

  “There’s a text for that. Hmmm. I like that idea.”

  The two of us continued to laugh as we ate supper. It felt really nice being just two carefree people. The night air was good for us. We’d both been so wound up because of my last episode that I’d almost forgotten what it felt like to simply enjoy his company.

  After eating as much as I could, Bo cleared off the blanket. The night sky had fallen over us and we took full advantage of snuggling close and gazing at the stars.

  “Can we talk about something serious?” He asked me.

  “We can talk about whatever you want.”

  “All this time you’ve seemed so brave to me. You’ve been told the worst news of your life and you are more prepared to go than I could ever be. You’re not scared or panicked about any of it, and I wonder all the time how you do it.” His fingers gently caressed the small of my back as I lie there facing him.

  “I must clearly have you fooled then, because I’ve never been more scared of anything in my entire life.”

  “You don’t have to hide that from me. You don’t have to be strong all the time. You can say it.”

  “Say what?” I asked.

  “You can tell me that you don’t want to die.”

  I shook my head no. There was no way I could say those words. If I admitted it out loud then I’d be right back at the beginning, wishing that I had more hours, more minutes, or more seconds, and I didn’t have any of those.

  No, I couldn’t.

  I shook my head.

  “I don’t want you to die.” He held me tighter. “I’ll admit it. I don’t want you to die.”

  “And what did that do for you huh?” I shouted as I set up. “It did nothing. Telling me that you don’t want me to die is not going to make me live. In the end, I’m still going to die.”

  He rose up next to me. “I know that, but I can’t help how I feel. I thought by me telling you that you’d…”

  “That I’d what? That I’d fight harder to stay alive. Because that’s what I’ve been doing. I’ve lived as best as I can. Every single day is a struggle for me,
and I’m not giving up. But I’m tired Bo, and I’m scared, and the pain I feel is real. No matter how hard I try to fight, the end will still come. I’m so scared about leaving you that thinking about it makes it hard for me to breathe. I’m scared that the pain I’m feeling is only half as bad as it will be in the end. I’m angry for all the things I’m going to miss out on. I won’t ever have kids Bo. NEVER! I’ll never be married. I’ll never go to college, or buy a house. My life is over and the only thing I can plan is my funeral.” I tried to breathe through the tears as they ran freely down my face.

  “SAY IT TORI!” Bo yelled.

  “I DON’T WANT TO DIE! I DON’T WANT TO DIE! I don’t want to die.” I sobbed.

  Bo pulled me into his chest and wrapped his arms tightly around me as I cried. All the emotion that I’d kept bottled up inside overflowed like a dam breaking. I didn’t know that I’d carried such burdens around, or that I was so angry. He forced me to tear down that invisible wall around my heart so that I could feel. It nearly broke every part of me, but afterwards I could breathe a little easier. I thought that by admitting how I truly felt it would make things worse, but I was wrong. In many ways, it was exactly what I needed.

  Bo held me in his arms for a long time, until I was too exhausted to be outside any longer. Then he lifted me up and carried me to bed, but this time he put me in his bed. I curled up under the blankets next to him and fell asleep wrapped in his arms.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Last birthday

  The days seemed to pass by in a blur. Two weeks had passed since my hospital visit and I still didn’t feel like I was back to my old self. I was beginning to realize that I probably never would. This was my new normal. Walks outside got shorter and shorter. The pain medication was taken more frequently and I felt like I slept more than I was awake. According to my Mother’s timeline of illness I probably had a month left, if that. I remember when she used to sleep her days away. The end grew near not long after that.