“Polly, understand me and understand this now. What I do is none of your concern. Stop following me round. You don’t work at my ranch, you don’t live in my ranch house and you are certainly not my girlfriend. Do yourself a favor and fuck the hell off.”
“Chris...,” she gasps, shocked that I’m being this vile person she’s never seen before.
I’ve seen him before. I know him all too well.
He stares back at me every time I look in the mirror and when I let myself think about what I did to Neely a year ago.
I shouldn’t take my bad mood out on her, but she’s a complication in my life. I cannot cope with people, especially Neely, thinking she is my girlfriend. If they do, then it’s time to put that right.
“Polly. Just go. I’m not interested. What we had was a long time ago and there won’t be any more repeats of it.” I am resolute in my statement, enough that she gets it and turns to leave, but not before I notice she’s crying.
“Well you’re a real fuckin’ cheeky charmer tonight aren’t you?” says the mother fucker that started all of tonight’s chaos. I do not need him in my face now.
“You’d be advised to steer clear of me and stay out of my way,” I tell him.
“Really is that a threat?” he leans into me again.
“For fuck’s sake. Ross go home mate, I’ll call you tomorrow.” Jonas now stepping into the fray, has clearly had enough. His words are enough to put the stop on Ross’ advance.
“You. Truck. Now. You’ve fucked up enough for tonight,” he says to me and pushes me in the direction of the door.
I don't even look in the direction of the others. Flo and Lottie look confused which means Neely hasn’t shared what happened between us. Oli and Sonny just nod their heads at me, they know it’s best to let Jonas drag me out and kick my ass for what I’ve done.
We get into his truck and he starts the engine without saying a word or looking at me.
“Jonas...”
“You have completely and utterly fucked up tonight Chris. I’ve got eyes and I am far from stupid, so think carefully about spinning me some bullshit, but whatever is going down with you and Neely needs sorting. I will not spend hours listening to Dalton bitch because our two best friends are at odds. So whatever it is, get the fuck over it and deal with it.” He says stepping on the gas pedal and pulling out of the parking lot.
“I just lost it. Seeing her with that jerk...”
“That jerk is a good man. He may have questionable motives at times, be he’s solid. You need to remember that Neely invited him here tonight.”
“Questionable motives? What does that mean? Does that mean he’s no good for her?” I press for an answer.
“It means leave him be, and stay the fuck away from Polly who is like some goddamn honey trap you keep taking a bite out of. Everyone else can see this but you,” he mumbles.
“Hey, I’ve not interfered in who you’ve dated, so lay off Jonas.”
“So now you and that bitch are dating?” he looks at me and I glare back. “That’s what I thought.”
He’s right I need to calm down.
“How am I gonna put right what I did tonight?”
“Fuck knows, you’ll figure it out. You’ve got to or she’s gone from your life for good.”
“What!” I shout
“Don’t fucking pretend with me Chris. You forget I’ve been on the flip side of this shit too and until you man the fuck up and admit what’s going on, you’ve got a big problem. Dalton is protective of Neely, when you add Flo and Lottie in that mix you’ve got trouble. Your shit just quadrupled. Get Me?”
“I get you,” I say running my hands through my hair in frustration.
“Good. Can you at least admit what’s going on to me?”
“No. Fuck off.”
He laughs at me because he knows my quick refusal is as good as an admittance of my feelings.
I hate myself for what I did at last year’s BBQ. I despise myself for not manning up ages ago and it’s cowardly that I can’t admit my feelings to myself, let alone say them out loud to my best mate.
My head is fucked, it has been for years now and the end result has been me treating the girl I want like shit.
There, I’ve sort of admitted it. I want her.
I want her to be mine. She can’t be with anyone else because I love her.
There, I’ve finally fucking admitted it, to myself anyway.
Now what the fuck do I do?
Chapter Six
Dolly put me in the back of Tommy Sevens’ cab first. He turned around to say hi, but then quickly thought better of it when he saw the state of me.
“Shit. Everything OK?”
“No Tommy, not really, can you take us to mine please?” Dolly replies.
“NO!” I shout.
“Neely, I want you where I can see you. Don’t ask me to leave you at home alone. I made you do that with me and things didn’t end so well.” The way she finishes the sentence tells me she is remembering the pain she suffered and the way she dealt with it, by drinking herself into a stupor for days, with embarrassment.
“OK, but can we go back to mine?” I plead.
“No, that’s where people are going to try and find you first. No one will dare come knock at my door when they know A and B are away for the night.” She smiles because we all know that Jonas and Dolly like getting themselves some quality alone time.
“Exactly. That’s why you should take me to mine.”
“Stop. You’re coming with me. Anyway not giving Jonas his sure thing will make him mad. He’s hot when he gets mad and it makes it so much more fun next time,” she chuckles and Tommy coughs to remind her he’s there.
“Sorry Tommy. TMI?”
“Yeah just a bit Dolls. I don’t need reminding I let you slip through my fingers.” He says it with humor and it makes me smile. I’m glad things worked out for my soul sister, she deserves to live happily in her fairy tale.
Now if only the same would happen for me. I have to believe it will do. I am not a bad person, I deserve to find that one person who will make my head spin and love me completely. I want to be loved like they can’t function without me, like my mom and dad, like Jonas and Dolly.
We pull up at the ranch house that Jonas built on a plot of land he bought from Chris. Right now I am just thankful that they created a different access road because I don’t want to bump into him again tonight, or ever for that matter.
Tommy tells us it’s on the house but Dolly doesn’t agree. They discuss for a few minutes and Dolly decides she’ll drop some money by the cab office when she’s next in town. Tommy comes round to open our door and see us inside the house, when he opens the door, the light comes on and Tommy sees the red mark on my jaw.
“Shit Neely. What happened? I hope you got a good shot in as well.” When I don’t answer him he doesn’t push it. “Put some ice on it and take some pain meds. It could be a bit sore in the morning.”
I look at him and nod my thanks and then head inside. Once Dolly dumps our purses, she tells me to take a seat and then heads to the kitchen to get some ice out of the freezer. I slump on the couch opposite the big glass windows and lose myself in the outline view of the mountains. It’s a breath taking view and it reminds me of my mom and her passion for mother earth. She loves clean living and thinks there is nothing more amazing than a natural vista. It never fails to make her smile, she believes that God’s green earth is easy to over look but if you stop and appreciate it every day, it will fill your day with positivity.
That’s what I need right now, a good fucking dose of positivity. I know I come across as a bold and brash little thing, but deep in my heart I just want the simple things. To be good at the job I love, to meet a guy who loves me more with every day that passes and to have a family that I can share my life with.
A spark of jealousy hits me and then disappears as quickly as it comes, my girl Dolly has found this. I would love to have what she has, but I underst
and that the things that really matter are earned. People who share your life deserve to be there, in that place with you to share every moment. Only then will you know that the place you end up in will always be the place you were destined to be in.
Everyone thinks I’m a city girl, a walking fashion statement and a real show hound, but I’m not. I’m a country girl at heart and I know living like my mom and dad is what I want. Surrounded by natural beauty everyday is where I’m going to be. Being a valued member of a community is what is important to me.
This I am sure of.
“Neels, wanna tell me what that was all about? Here take these and put this on your chin,” she says handing me a couple of pills and an ice bag.
“No, not really, nothing to tell.”
“Come on. A problem shared and all that. I know I keep saying it, but take my advice. Keeping this stuff buried inside hurts you more.”
“Dolly. Please stop, talking it out won’t change anything. What’s done is done.”
She smiles at me, but it’s a mocking smile. “Nice try. If you think I’m gonna let this go you’re crazy. Something went down tonight. Chris doesn’t throw punches around for no reason.”
“I have no idea why he was getting into it with Ross,” I say going for faked ignorance.
“Again. Nice try. Talk,” she snaps.
“There is nothing really to tell. Chris and I had a thing, or rather did a thing a while back.” I have finally said it out loud, for the first time. It’s not cathartic at all, it doesn’t feel good to talk and that sharing nonsense is just shit.
“WHAT!”
“It was nothing, just a little fumble,” I decide that down playing it is the way to go.
“When did this happen? I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.”
“Last year’s BBQ for the season start. I didn’t tell you because it wasn’t a big deal.”
“Last year! Fucking hell! Finally it all clicks into place. You avoiding him. Him giving you sheepish looks,” she mumbles to herself. “God I’m dumb, how did I not see this?”
“Probably because there was nothing to see.”
“Don’t give me that shit. I know you hold grudges, but the way you’ve been is something entirely different. You care about him. This meant something to you and Chris doesn’t swing at a guy the size of Ross over nothing,” she says.
“What do you want me to say Dolly? Do you want me to tell you that I really liked him? That I let him fuck me in a barn and use me? That I thought it was more than it was? Or that I watched him walk away and leave me in that fucking barn? Do you want me to share that he walked away with Polly fucking Vans because I meant nothing? Because let me tell you, I am not fucking proud of it. Of any of it. Of how I got it wrong and I have never felt so disappointed in someone. I knew he was a bit of a player but I didn’t think I’d be on the receiving end of it. So yes it didn’t mean nothing to me, it meant everything and it shredded me. It guts me to know that the man who looked after you and helped you find Jonas is not the man I let take me into that barn.” I’m breathing deep and my voice is louder than it was, my jaw is aching and the bag of ice is now soaking the fist I’ve got it gripped in and dripping water on the floor.
“Neely” she whispers “I...”
“No. Don’t. I don't want to talk about this anymore because it only makes me feel like shit. I’ve felt like shit for long enough over this and right now I could do without it. As disappointed as I am in Chris it’s nothing compared to the disappointment I feel in myself. I read it all wrong. I let someone I cared about treat me like I’m nothing and I can’t forgive myself for putting up with him treating me like that.”
I’ve started to cry and now this feels cathartic, but only a little, being able to shout and get it out there means nothing really but it has given me a feeling of release.
It’s then that I hear someone clearing their throat, it’s Jonas and standing behind him with his head dropped and his hands in his pockets is Chris.
“Jonas seriously,” snaps Dolly “You brought him here? Why didn’t you take him to his place?”
“Sorry babe, I thought you’d be at Neely’s.”
“Listen guys, I’ll just head home. Sorry about ruining your night,” Chris mumbles.
Is he for fucking real? He’s just going to walk away and ignore me again. He’s just going to act like he didn’t hear everything I said. Yet again he is going to ignore what has happened, only this time he has hurt me physically.
Oh hell NO!
I don’t fucking think so.
“ARE YOU FOR FUCKING REAL?” I shout across the room at him. It’s like I've become this volcano. I was slowly bubbling under the surface for a long time and now there is no way to hold it back.
I get no reply.
“Don’t you fucking ignore me, this is all on you. I’ve put up with your shit for long enough.”
Again, I get no response to my rant.
“What! Really! Not even a sorry I punched your fucking face Neely? You make me sick Chris. You fucking use me, hurt me, take up with Polly right in front of me and then act like it never happened.”
For the love of God, he still doesn’t say anything.
“Trying to make a lame ass attempt at an apology in Purps, twelve months after the event is twelve months too fucking late.” Chris still says nothing and it’s too much to bear. I fly across the room at him and shove him hard. He doesn’t stop me, defend himself or react, he just takes it all.
“You can’t even look at me. You’ve fucking punched me tonight because I was trying to stop you making a mistake. I was trying to stop you from taking your shit out on some guy you don’t even know and you ended up punching me. You still can’t look at me. FUCKING LOOK AT ME!” I scream these words in his face and pound my little fists in his chest. I feel full of rage and out of control.
Only then does Dolly and Jonas step in. Jonas wraps his arms around me and pulls me away, through my sobs I can hear Dolly telling him to leave and give me some space. Quietly I hear him say, “Dolly, I’m sorry.”
“Chris, I love you, but now is not the time and I’m also the wrong person to be giving the apology to, so please just leave.”
Jonas moves me into Dolly’s arms and then beats a hasty retreat, he’s done his bit, probably more than his bit in fairness. Dolly takes me to the spare room and puts me in the bed, she slips my shoes off whilst I continue to sob into a pillow. I feel like something that has been sitting heavy inside me has been released tonight, maybe I should have screamed at him months ago. After a few minutes the light in the room goes off and I feel her climb in bed beside me, she pulls me close and hugs me to calm me down.
It doesn’t take long for me to fall asleep and I let exhaustion win. It always wins in the end. The last thing I think about as I’m drifting off to sleep is that the things I’ve said tonight may have made me feel better but I can’t ever take them back. The way I acted tonight means my friendship with Chris, whatever was left of it, is probably over.
I wake in the morning and I remember all the events of last night. It’s all in my mind’s eye in full color detail and it’s not pleasant. It’s time to move on. Now is the time to own my outburst and get on with things.
In the bathroom I take a quick shower to freshen up, I also hope it will freshen up my mood too, but it doesn’t quite have those instant results. My jaw is sore and I keep rotating it to see if it hurts any more or less than it did last night. It’s about the same, but now has a slightly darker color.
Dolly has left me some of her sweat pants and a t-shirt to put on for which I’m grateful. It wouldn’t be the classic walk of shame but early morning in a body con dress feels a bit much, even for me.
Jonas and Dolly are sipping coffee on the back deck, they don't appear to be talking, they’re just taking in the view. She’s got her feet in his lap and he absentmindedly strokes them. They look beautiful together and content. That’s what I want, to be content. They look so peaceful th
at I don’t want to disturb them and interrupt the time they have together, but I must catch the corner of her eye because she nudges Jonas who gets up.
“Sit here Neely, I’ll get you a mug of coffee.” I nod my thanks to him and take his place next to my best friend.
“How are you feeling? Or is that a stupid question?”
“No, not stupid. I’m sorry about losing it last night,” I say as Jonas hands me a steaming mug of coffee.
“You don’t have to apologize. I do. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own world, I didn’t spot you were struggling in yours. God Neely, I’m so sorry,” she looks ashamed and she shouldn’t.
“You have nothing to apologize for. I made the choice not to share any of this. I didn’t want anyone to know and judge me.” I let her off the hook because it’s not one she should be on anyway. “Anyway, it’s past. I’m done with it all.”
“You can’t be done with him. Your lives cross paths permanently.” I know she’s right but I’m going to try and avoid that happening.
“Well they don't have to, unless I choose for them to cross, they won’t.” My response is determined and I forgot Jonas was with us until he says “Just give him a chance Neely, us guys are shit at this sort of stuff. He’ll come around.”
“There is nothing to come around to. No chance needed and nothing left to give. There is no point any more, I won’t keep bearing the guilt of his actions, for stuff that is not my fault. The time for an apology was a while ago. Any way things are getting busy at work and I’ve got Ross to get to know,” I say with an eyebrow raise and smirk.
“I’m not sure he’s the guy for you Neely,” Jonas tells me.
“What? Don’t be silly. He is exactly the guy for me.”
“Shit. Just be careful and get to know him first. OK?”
“Yeah, yeah. Now can I get a ride back to town or do I need to call Tommy?” I ask.
“No, I’ll give you a ride. I need to get the girls from Barbara’s now anyway. They’ve probably destroyed the joint and poor Harrison will be locked in a room somewhere recovering, leaving them to Granny Barbara’s questionable supervision.”
Forgiving Love (The Soul Sisters Series Book 2) Page 5