Forgiving Love (The Soul Sisters Series Book 2)

by Victoria Johns

  “All those times I wanted to talk to you, say I was sorry and I just couldn’t because I knew you’d need to know why and the real reason I was running. I knew once you found out just how fucking despicable I’ve become you’d hate me and even then friends would have been pie in the sky.”

  “I don’t know what to do? I can’t even begin to tell you how much it hurts to hear that something I wanted for so long meant nothing to you.” I start pacing and my voice rises, “What’s worse is that you picked me to play your game. You thought so little of me, even though we were close, that you chose me to play Polly.”

  Chris hasn’t moved out of the bed, he’s just listening and staring at his hands which are twisting and turning in his lap. I can’t remember the last time I wish I’d never been told the truth.

  He finally gets out of bed and starts gathering clothes, “What are you doing?” I ask.

  Neely you can’t hate me more that I hate myself. I’ll take you home.”

  “The fuck you will, you don’t dump that shit on me and then ferry me out of here because it suits you,” I snap back at him and he’s looking very confused and in all honesty my own mind isn’t sure what it’s doing right now, but I made a decision to fight, so it’s time to start, “You getting rid of me is another form of running and you need to face up to what you’ve done and how you’ve treated me and that means I get to stay here and make you feel like shit. It’s what I’m going to do and I deserve that. I deserve to feel some retribution and revenge and short of phoning Ross for a fuck this is the best I can come up with, so get back in that bed.”

  “I wouldn’t let you phone that jerk, but you can’t seriously want to stay here with me.”

  “Stop pushing me away, just because I walk doesn’t mean this goes away and you don’t get to decide anyway. I do and until I’ve decided you’re really beyond help then I’m going nowhere.” I make my point by stomping to his bed and climbing in. “Don’t get any funny ideas, touch any part of me and that lump of skin hanging between your legs will pay for it and you’ll hurt so much you’ll be a registered disabled rancher. Understand?”

  “Um… not really,” he answers confused.

  “What is confusing about this? I am not going to have sex with you, that’s got you in enough trouble, but I am tired. I refuse to sleep on the sofa where you’ve fucked half the town, so you can either sleep here beside me or scuttle away? Your choice, but make it and make it now. Are you going to man up and get in the bed or do what you’ve always done, run and avoid it?”

  His eyes flash, he recognizes a challenge and is not pleased that I’ve laid one out for him, but if I’m to be in his life I have to help him.

  “Chris, people who say good things come to those that wait are fucking wrong, good things come to those who earn them, fight for them or deserve them, you need to think about that.”

  “Yeah, I think I’ve been told that recently.”

  “So from now on, forget we’ve already had sex, because if I think about it, it makes me want to kill you.” He still hasn’t moved towards the bed. “Last chance Chris, in or out?” I don’t look at him whilst he wars internally over his natural flight reaction, I grab the covers and then turn on my side and get comfy. He walks over to the door and as I’m convinced the fucking idiot is about to make yet another stupid choice, he reaches out and flips the light switch off. After a few seconds I feel the bed depress next to me as he climbs in. After he shifts around to get comfortable I whisper, “Good decision, night Chris,” to him and ignore him.

  It’s hard, my body yearns for him but if I want to have anything with him we have to start again, at the beginning and now we have no secrets. I’m so angry I’m not sure how to calm my mind down, if there is ever a time that I need to call on my mom’s influence and spirit it’s now. I’m a calculated girl who plans moves and executes them at the right time, what I’ve just done is completely out of character and we both know this. I have no idea where my compassion is coming from, I’ve been so wronged in this whole thing, but it really is now or never.

  The tension in the bed is like a real living thing, either one of us could snap and say something that will put us right back where we started. The restraint I’m showing alone is making me believe I have hidden depths within that I never knew existed. I keep telling myself that I can’t have been wrong about this guy for all these years and that he’s just totally lost his way.

  After a while it seems to work, attempting to forgive and look past it, towards a future has the effect I’m after. My body slowly unlocks itself from the gripping rage that it’s become. My breathing slows and shallows and it’s not long before mental exhaustion forces my body to shut down and welcome some peace and rest.

  *****

  Chris

  What the fuck just happened and why is she still here?

  She was supposed to run away and hate me after I told her that I was a total douche bag. If I thought I was out of my element before, then I really am now.

  I hear her breathing slow after a while and I know she’s asleep, my mind is racing at a million miles an hour though.

  I can see her outline in the bed and she looks heavenly, her hair on my pillow looks beautiful and she looks like she belongs here. Like she’s at home.

  In that very moment I decide I don’t care what she’s up to or what game she is playing.

  I will play it.

  I will win her over because I have nothing left to hide now.

  I don’t want this to be something else in my life that I regret, I want her here with me and if facing the ugliness that is my personal life is what it takes then I’ll do it and I’ll do it every day to make her mine.

  I want her to really believe in me and give us our chance at being happy and being together.

  My mom was right, she always said I’d find someone who looked at me and turned my world upside down. That’s what Neely did a long time ago. Getting drunk was the only way to block it out and then I go and make the worst decision ever by using her like I did.

  It’s been a long year, wrestling with what I did and now I’ve finally come clean and admitted what I was like and what I’d done and it feels like a weight has been lifted. I’m not stupid though, I know I’ve got a fight on my hands, but I’m ready to do battle.

  “I’m sorry Neely, more than you’ll ever know for doing what I did to you and being a pussy who couldn’t face up to it,” I whisper to her. It’s only when she reaches behind her and takes my hand in hers that I realize she wasn’t asleep either.

  Chapter Twenty

  I woke up to the sound of something breaking on the kitchen floor downstairs, not the best alarm clock in the world, but it did the job. After I got over the initial panic of wondering who the fuck was in my kitchen, I remembered where I was.

  Chris’s ranch house in his bedroom, in his bed.

  As if on cue I heard his muffled voice from downstairs and figured he was dealing with some ranch business.

  My mind was whirling and crammed full of stuff, I’d decided to fight for Chris but I needed to make sure it was because I wanted there to be an us and not because I was on some crazy mission to save him from himself. I didn’t think about it for long though, it could all be speculation, if he wasn’t strong enough to get his shit together and fight for us. I also felt a bit disappointed in myself, how had I let him go so far off the rails? I found it even harder to comprehend that the guys hadn’t intervened and kicked his ass to sort him out.

  In all honesty, I have no idea how I was going to play this. It was going to be an effort to tramp down my inner rage and make this work. I rarely had the type of personality that gave people chance after chance. The fact that I was trying was odd enough, I had no idea where my strength and resolve was coming from, I just only hoped it lasted long enough to see it through. There are only so many times you can throw yourself back on that horse before you realize horses are not for you and should use your car, or the bus. If this didn’t work I c
ould be using my car or the bus to leave town. I didn’t want to, but it was a solution, I was regularly contacted by city firms asking me join them. It could be an option, leave town for a bit and throw myself into work.

  My life could now officially be considered upside down.

  My apartment was in ruin, I was on a paid vacation from a job I could still get fired from, I’d been shot at, (still refusing to acknowledge this for fear it would totally freak me out) and now I could add that I was throwing my heart into an uncertain battle to the ever growing list. I’d made my intent clear last night and Chris didn’t seem to object or fight me on it, but I needed to make sure he wanted this too before I became too invested. If things went wrong this time I’d never recover enough to be able to be anywhere near him. If we fucked this up, the ripple effect would be felt by more than just us.

  There is only one way to go then, onwards and upwards and proceed with full throttle in typical Neely fashion.

  Throwing back the covers and seeing the state of dress I was in, I groan. I had on last night’s underwear and was still caked in makeup. A shower was in need and taking one was the only plan I was sure about for my immediate future. I also planned to rummage through Chris’s closet for some kind of suitable morning after clothing.

  Chris’s bedroom was masculine, there was no other way to describe it. An oversized large pine bed that looked hand crafted with matching furniture and dark, heavy looking bed clothes. His drapes and soft furnishings complimented the room and wood finish, giving it a feeling that can only be described as sensual. It was definitely a guy’s space and I’m hoping the coordination in the room was down to his mom and not one of his past conquests.

  There were a few photos dotted around the sides and on the walls and looking at the style of them I’d say they were taken by Dolly. My sister really did have talent, her flair and creativity is another reason we’re close. Opposites definitely attract because I have zero flair and I rely on borrowing hers.

  I push open the door to the adjoining bathroom and look around in amazement. In complete contrast to the dark hues of the bedroom, the bathroom is light sandstone in color. The bathtub is simple and sleek with a matching basin and toilet, but the feature of the room is clearly the shower. This guy has paid some serious dollars to have this installed. It has an enormous overhanging shower head and a bench seat that curves around two of the walls, there seems to be jets positioned everywhere.

  I discard my underwear on the tiled floor and step in praying I don’t need a degree in engineering to get it going. It turned out to be easier than I thought and a few minutes later I’m having the best shower ever. The force of the water hitting my head and shoulders is like a massage in itself. The jets around the walls don’t do much for me because they’re aimed and angled for someone taller, for Chris. Built into the side of the wall are some shelves loaded with Chris’s bathroom products, I am so relieved when I dig my way through them all and find no female ones lurking. Grabbing his shampoo, I flip it open and pause when the smell hits me. The scent is pure Chris, lush. I can’t help myself so I take another big sniff and smile.

  “Neely, are you smelling my shampoo?”

  “Chris! What the hell! Get out of here, we’ve been through this bathroom shit before. I made myself clear last night, no funny business and that means respecting my privacy, especially when I’m naked.”

  He backs down immediately like a scared puppy, “Sorry, I just wanted to give you these. I’ll leave them here.” With no more conversation or eye contact he retreats back out of the bathroom and I breathe a sigh of relief.

  Guilt creeps over me quickly because I was snappy and mean, it must have been hard to come up here after last night. I rush to shampoo and scrub and then switch the spaceship shower off. When I get out of it I see a nicely folded pile of female clothes.

  Seriously! That fucker is expecting me to wear some of his whore’s cast offs. I don’t think so.

  My drying is vigorous and I can feel the anger brewing deep within me. I storm through to his room and don’t stop slamming drawers until I find a pair of his jockey shorts and a t-shirt. If I have to go home like this, I will. Grabbing the pile of clothes from the bathroom I try and calm myself before I completely lose it and then make my way to the kitchen.

  The calming bit doesn’t work though, and in all honesty, neither will we if this is the kind of inconsiderate shit he’s going to pull. “You can take your fucking whore clothes and fucking burn them. I cannot believe you’d do that Chris.” My tirade finishes as my temper boils over and I launch the pile of clothes across the kitchen at him.

  “What the… Neely, what are you talking about?” He’s now busy picking them up and trying to give them back to me.

  “What is not clear and hard for you to understand? I won’t wear some previous fuck buddy’s cast offs.” Christ, how dumb is he? Now he’s beginning to exasperate me.

  “Morning sister, how are you feeling? Just wanted to check in on you and I thought I’d bring you some fresh clothes, knowing you didn’t have any here.”

  Dolly brought the fucking clothes.

  “Shit,” I mutter, “Chris, I’m sorry.”

  “Forget it,” he concedes then places the pile back in my arms. “I’ve got ranch rounds to make. There’s fresh coffee in the pot for you and food in the cupboards, help yourself to whatever you want. I’ll see you later.” The poor guy looks dejected as he walks out the door and makes his escape.

  “Ok then, I’m guessing things are not rosy in the Chris and Neely garden,” says Dolly, as she starts to pour us both a mug of coffee. I groan and slump on the large sectional sofa, inwardly kicking myself for jumping to conclusions.

  “What am I doing Dolly? What in the world am I doing?”

  She hands me a mug and sits down next to where I am. “You’re living your own relationship nightmare. Fun isn’t it?”

  “That is the last time we go anywhere near I told you so, OK? It’s not helping me or my inner dragon that is happy with her fire breathing mood.”

  “Tell me what’s going on?”

  I can’t tell her everything, I won’t do that to Chris. It’s been his life and his living nightmare. He doesn’t need others judging him when he’s being so harsh on himself and after the verbal vote of no confidence I just slapped him with, well, it could send him running again. “A lot is going on, some of which I can’t share because that’s Chris’s business, but he told me some things that make his behavior over the last twelve months make sense. Last night he tried to push me away again though.”

  “And…”

  “And I’m still here,” I finish.

  Dolly is smiling at me, she knows me well enough and she’s heard what she wanted. “You’re not going to let him push you away though are you?”

  “No, but I need to make sure I have it in me to fight for both of us, until I can convince him he needs to fight too. His head’s all over the place.”

  “I think we both know the answer to that Neely. You’re the strongest person I know and maybe that’s what scares him. I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you. This whole thing has been an issue for me, I’ve wanted to scream that he needs saving from something, but you’ve never been one to be forced into something.”

  “Have you been talking to my dad? He says the same thing. Apparently I’m terrifying. Don’t blame yourself, I know you’re there if I need you, but sometimes it’s better to avoid wisdom being repeatedly shoved in your face. We’d have argued and honestly I haven’t had the energy to argue with you, Chris and my own crazy inner thoughts. You’ve got the girls and Jonas to think about too. I get it.”

  Chuckling at this she tells me, “Well, if both your dad and I are saying the same thing then you know it’s right. I’m going to leave you to it. I think you’ve got a guy to hunt down and an apology to make.”

  “No don’t go. I could do with using you as an excuse to put that off for as long as possible. You know I hate having to apologize
, especially when they’re right and I’ve been an ass.”

  “Go on, put my whore clothes on and go find him,” she tells me, then leaves after dumping her empty mug in the sink.

  As she advised, I put her clothes on and grab a pair of Chris’s deck shoes, they’re huge and flop about, but will have to do. It’s time to pull up my big girl panties and sort this out. This is just another reminder that I have to keep my emotions in check, we can’t both have our heads mashed. I can’t change myself and my personality, rage first and think later is who I am. If he wants to be with me then he needs to understand this and sometimes he’ll have to be the grown up in our relationship, or whatever the hell it is and understand that I need to be me. Unreasonable and feisty, until I’ve talked myself out of whatever shit fit I’m having.

  This is the first time that I’ve had to seek him out on his own land and I have no idea where to start my search, I ask a couple of his workers if they’ve seen him and I discover him in one of the out buildings.

  The very same out building where all our drama began.

  He’s got a large refuse sack and is throwing things in it angrily. As I make my way to the back of the barn I see the things he’s discarding are the old blankets, discarded condom packets and used tissues or rags. Nice.

  “Chris,” he freezes as I get closer, “I’m sorry about earlier, I jumped to the wrong conclusion and I apologize.” He still hasn’t turned around, his head is slumped forward and he’s let the garbage sack drop to the floor.

  “It’s OK Neels,” he’s gone back to being that scared kicked puppy again.

  I move towards him and make him look at me by grabbing his shoulder. “It’s not OK, I’m really sorry. I’m just a bit highly strung, but I’ll try and act more rationally in the future.”