by Queau, Amy
Oh, he’s so close. He smells so good.
Charlie closed her eyes and breathed in deeply before opening them again. Samuel stared into her blue eyes, darting back and forth from each one, searching for something.
He took a step back and broke eye contact.
“God, you make it feel so…possible,” he whispered.
Looking scorned, he turned his head away from her. When his eyes returned to see the empathy on Charlie’s face, he softened his own with a smile and shook his head.
“What are you talking about, Sam?”
He reached out and rubbed his thumb against her cheek as she tilted her head towards his palm, closing her eyes.
“Everything is so easy right now. Everything is…perfect. You. Me. Together. You make it feel possible that I can trust you. And that puts me in a very difficult position. It makes me…feel like a jackass for trusting someone again. And so soon,” he whispered.
Oh god, that hurts my heart. Who could hurt this man? Who does that to a guy like Samuel? Who could cheat on him?
“Listen to me.” Charlie brought him to the couch and sat down. She took his hand and interlocked their fingers. “I get it. I don’t know what your ex-girlfriend was thinking. I honestly don’t have the slightest clue who could do something like that to anyone, but least of all you. And I’m not going to tell you that we’re going to have a perfect relationship, or that we’re not going to hurt each other at some point. But I can guarantee you one thing: I’m not the kind of girl that cheats. I have much more control over myself than that. But honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever need to fight those kinds of urges, because…for the past few weeks, I haven’t had any urge to be with anyone but you,” she said. “Samuel, look at me.” Charlie took his chin and tilted it toward her face. “I wouldn’t do that to you.”
His eyes told her he still didn’t quite believe her.
“It’s fine. Really,” she paused, “I’m in no rush. You don’t have to believe me today, because I’m looking forward to proving it to you tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that. But, just believe me when I tell you that I would never cheat on you, Samuel.”
“I believe that you believe it,” he said.
Just as the bell rang on the oven, Charlie gave a quiet smile, realizing that their faces were mere inches from one another’s. Her stomach did a flip as she thought about how intimate the moment was.
“Hungry?” he asked, tearing away from her stare.
She rolled her eyes. “Ravenous,” she said with a wink.
*
Lying in her bed that night, alone, Charlie felt like she was floating. Floating on a high of Samuel, the drawing he had shown her, and a lasting feeling of fullness in her heart.
He was right, it’s so easy right now. It’s effortless to be with each other. There are no games, no lies, and I feel so…so strong and confident when I’m with him. He’s a little broken and a little insecure, I can see that. But I’m not going to give up on him. He’s worth too much, and he means too much to me now. I’m not going to give up as easily as I have before, because he’s worth it, and I’m worth it, too.
I remember thinking that day he came to the restaurant that his timing was horrible. But in hindsight, I can say that his timing was absolutely perfect. I suppose that’s how life works. People are brought into our lives for different reasons, at different times, in order to teach us something: the things we’re supposed to learn.
Chapter Fourteen
The following week, Charlie had two hostess shifts at The Crimson. Her cast wouldn’t be removed for another two weeks, and it was beginning to bother her as the anticipation of her new job, and Samuel, mounted.
She packed what she could with discarded lettuce boxes that she began accumulating from the restaurant. Twenty years’ worth of crap stored in her parents’ basement was going to require more effort than she had the energy for, but with nothing and no one otherwise to occupy her time, she started organizing the physical memories of years passed.
Sifting through yearbooks, journals, photos and sketches, she kept only the essentials and tossed the things she couldn’t remember why she had kept in the first place. Once she had finished with the things she had stored in the laundry room, she focused on packing the items in her bedroom the next day.
Box after box she packed and shoved to the side as she found her groove. Listening to Fleetwood Mac, Seals and Crofts, and The Steve Miller Band, she fumbled her way through the majority of the items she knew she wouldn’t need before her moving day. The music kept her nostalgic—the same easy listening her mother always had on the radio.
Staring at her from the corner of her room was the box that held the items that were closest to her heart. Opening it slowly, she began to uncover its little treasures. An antique ashtray, a small jewelry box, a 1987 Twins World Series Homer Hanky, and her mother’s round tin that was home to over five hundred unique buttons that dated as early as the 1950s. She reached into the box and pulled out the next item. It was a men’s bathroom sign. She stared at it for a minute, trying to remember why she had it.
Her smile turned into a blank gaze as she recalled the moment:
“Hey Foxy. I got somethin’ for you.”
“Did you finally buy me some smokes?” she joked.
“I got you this.” Jesse held up a men’s bathroom sign. It was blue with a handicapped stick-person on the front and in big white letters spelled MEN.
“Did you steal this?” she shouted a whisper at him.
“Yes. What? Don’t look at me like that. It was starting to fall off the door — it was just begging me to take it.”
Her stomach turned and goosebumps shot up her arms. Putting the sign aside, she dug deeper.
She found an envelope with her teddy bear necklace inside and farther down in the box was a CD with the name Progress written on the top. She ran to the CD player and put it in immediately. The only thing that remained at the bottom of the box was an envelope with Jesse’s name on it. She knew exactly what it was: a letter that she had written to Jess a few days after they spent the night together. She decided to keep it sealed and threw it in the box that held her lifetime’s worth of journals.
As the music started, her stomach went hollow and her chest heaved. It felt like an eternity since she had stirred up any emotion about Jess. Her life was different now. In just two short months, she no longer had any use for drama, nor did she welcome it. She had left the storm of adolescence behind her and she was moving forward, but she still carried the regret of what she did to Jess that night.
She put on her necklace and was grateful that her experience with him, and her confrontation with Aaron Paulson, had gotten her to where she was that day—on her own, strong, and in a healthy relationship. She decided to wear the necklace always, as a reminder of where she had been and how far she’d come.
*
Later that afternoon, Charlie heard footsteps coming downstairs. She set down the delicate vases that she had been securing with old newspapers and peeked around the corner.
“Hey, Pops! Slowly but surely, I’m getting there. I have a lot of shit!” she said, delighted with her progress.
A strange laugh erupted from her father’s throat as Karen walked downstairs behind him.
Charlie’s system went on high alert, sensing something was definitely wrong. Very, very wrong.
“Dad? What’s going on? Mom? You’re both being so quiet,” she said.
“You’ve gotten a lot done,” her dad said, with something else visibly weighing on his mind.
“Dad? What’s going on?” she repeated it slower, her heart sinking as she saw the expression on her mother’s face and the puffiness in her eyes.
Staring at the floor, Bill wouldn’t, couldn’t look up. Karen came around and squeezed his hand. “You can tell her, honey.”
“What? What’s going on!” Charlie shouted.
Bill put his arm around Karen and gave a quick squeeze.
&
nbsp; “Jesus, what is it?”
“It’s back. The cancer is back,” Bill said.
Charlie’s hand swooped up to cover her mouth.
No.
Daddy.
Chapter Fifteen
After an hour’s conversation with her parents and several outbursts of tears, Charlie curled up with her comforter that night and fell asleep before eight o’clock. She had missed the two texts and one phone call from Samuel.
No one could reach her.
She knew what this meant. There had been a good chance that the colon cancer would return, even after his arduous and lengthy battle with chemotherapy and radiation that had crippled his frail body five years earlier.
Charlie was always the strong one—the one who kept order in chaos, the one with the level head in times of delirium, and the one to research alternate solutions just when everyone thought the bottom of the barrel had been scraped.
There were no more solutions for this. She knew it. The cancer had spread from his colon to his liver. From his liver to his breast plate. From his breast plate to his lymph nodes. It was everywhere. He was in fourth-stage cancer, and Charlie seemed to be the only one that didn’t hold out hope. Hope wasn’t logical. Hope would only delay the inevitable.
Taking a few days to regroup, Charlie avoided Samuel, her parents, and packing. She fought the urge to cry every time it cropped up and spent her nights watching movies that took her mind off of it.
*
Are you avoiding me? Talk to me. :( xx Sam
Charlie let out a sigh as she began texting him back.
Yes, and no. Haven’t been in a talking mood. I’ll explain Sunday. Miss you. xx
She got up and put another movie in the DVD player when she heard her phone ring. She got back into bed and ignored the chipper ringtone.
Charlie? Why won’t you pick up? Talk to me.
Her phone started ringing again. She picked up the remote control and hit the pause button.
“Hello?”
“What’s wrong?” asked Samuel.
“I didn’t know how to tell you. It’s been rough for me the past few days—”
“Are you breaking up with me?” he cut her off.
“No, Sam. I’m not breaking up with you.” She couldn’t deny the fluttering in her stomach caused by the disappointment in his tone.
“Then tell me.”
She took a deep breath and put her head down when the tears started to consume her. Sniffling and gasping for air, she tried to speak as the emotions of the past two days came crashing down. No matter how hard she tried to talk to Samuel, she didn’t know how to, or didn’t want to say the words: My dad is going to die.
“I’m coming over. I’ll be there in five minutes,” he said as he hung up the phone.
She didn’t care that she hadn’t showered in two days, she didn’t care that she wasn’t even remotely presentable and she didn’t care that her mind, emotions and room were a complete disaster. The only thing she cared about was having Samuel hold her the minute he walked through her door.
And he did. He rushed for her as soon as he raced down the steps. He found her on her bed and crushed her to him, holding her tightly against his chest. So tightly that she couldn’t decipher anymore whether or not they were two separate beings.
*
An hour passed without a single word spoken. The DVD was still on pause, and the room was completely silent when Charlie wasn’t sniffling.
“My dad’s cancer is back,” she said frowning, her bottom lip quivering.
“Jesus, Charlie. You found out two days ago, and you’re only just telling me now?” he said, keeping her pinned to him.
She nodded and sniffed again.
“You silly, stubborn girl. You should have told me you needed me. I would have been here sooner,” he whispered, kissing the top of her head. “How bad is it?”
“It’s bad.”
He sat up, kicked off his shoes, and motioned for her to lie down again. He crawled up behind her and snuggled into her back.
“I’m here. I’ll stay for as long as you need me to.”
Those were the last words she heard before she fell asleep until the next morning.
*
She woke alone. As she sat up and looked around her room, she saw Samuel’s shoes still on her floor. A sudden feeling of relief swept over her. She stood and walked to the bathroom.
When she opened the door again, Samuel’s concerned face was there to greet her in the hallway. He stood alone with a steaming cup of coffee in his hand.
“Morning, baby,” he said.
The corner of her mouth lifted as she looked at the cup of coffee.
“Yes, this is for you. Your mom told me how you like it prepared. Two creams, one sugar.” He handed her the cup.
“Thanks,” she said, taking a sip.
They walked into her room and sat down on the bed. “Sorry about last night. But I’m done crying now. I feel much better.”
“Why are you sorry?”
She shook her head. “I’m usually a lot stronger than that.”
“You know Charlie, you don’t always have to be the strong one. And, I’m glad that I was able to help you, even if it was just a little.”
“You helped a lot. But, I’m sure you have a ton of things to do today, so I won’t keep you. Thanks for coming over.” She smiled, trying to appear low-maintenance.
Don’t leave. Stay with me.
“I don’t need to go anywhere. Do you want me to go?”
She shook her head as if to say no, but a different word flew out of her mouth, “Yes.”
Shocked and disappointed, Samuel nodded his head. “Okay, I’ll go then.”
“No, Samuel. I’m sorry. It’s just really hard right now. And, I’m a fucking mess. I don’t really want you to see me like this. It just takes so much away from the beauty and sex appeal of the vision of me you have in your head. I want you to keep thinking of me like that, and I don’t want you thinking I’m too emotional or—”
He interrupted her ramblings by pulling her closer and brushing his lips against hers, slowly at first. She closed her eyes and allowed his pace to accelerate. Soon he was feverishly kissing her, and Charlie was barely able to keep up with his rhythm. She could feel his desperation in every nibble, every swoop of his tongue, and his inability to keep his hands from making their way up the back of her nightshirt.
She sat up, stopping the kisses briefly in order to shimmy off her shirt. She lay down on her bed, taking him with her as she opened her legs for him to lay on top of her. His hand finding its way to her breast, he began teasing her nipple through her satin bra, never taking his lips off of hers. Her back arched in appreciation as she pressed her sex against his growing erection and his throat rumbled, hungry for more.
His hand was now underneath her bra and his mouth on her nipple, tormenting her with his tongue. “Charlie,” he purred as he started taking off her pants. “I’m always going to want you.”
With her pants down around one ankle and her tank top still stuck to the cast on her arm, she grabbed a handful of his hair, now that his head was between her thighs. As he licked the outside of her lace panties, taunting her just enough, she lifted her hips and pressed his face against her. “Don’t stop, Sam.”
And just as she requested it, he pulled away. She looked up to find him; his jeans were taut and he was raking his hand through his hair.
She sat up and grabbed the blanket to cover herself. “What’s wrong? Why did you stop?” she asked, panting.
He shook his head. “Because I’m a dick. I shouldn’t be taking advantage of you. My timing is horrible.”
No, no. Let’s go back to what we were doing. I’m fine. Really.
“Don’t look at me like that, Charlie. I know, believe me. But, not today. Not now. We’ve already broken the rules.”
“Oh, fuck the rules! Don’t be such a…a tease!” she shouted.
He smiled and emptied the air fr
om his lungs. “Nope. Not today. If I do this with you right now, I’m going to hate myself even more.”
“Ugh!” Charlie threw herself back onto her pillow in complete sexual frustration. “You’re such a dick.”
He snickered and crawled up next to her. “You’re going to be just fine, Charlie. I’ll just leave and you can satisfy any urges that might…come up while I’m gone.”
She rolled her eyes. Nice, using my own words against me. Clever, clever man.
“Fine. Go!”
He laughed again, slipping on his shoes.
“Wait!” she said, sitting up. “I’m going to see you Sunday, right?”
He walked over to her and leaned down. “You better.” After giving her an innocent kiss, he threw on his coat. “See you Sunday, Charlie.”
And with that, he was gone again.
Chapter Sixteen
“Come on, Karal. Let me take one table. Just one.”
“Nope, sorry honey. Lawrence doesn’t want you doing anything. You’re lucky he was able to come up with these hosting shifts. When do you get that cast off, anyway?”
“In a week or two, I think.”
“Then you’ll just have to wait until then.”
Charlie rolled her eyes.
“How are things going with Sam?” Karal asked, wiping down the menus.
An uncontrollable grin appeared on Charlie’s face. “Good.”
“Yeah? Is he your boyfriend now?”
“Oh, um.” He did ask me if I was breaking up with him the other day. “I guess I don’t know. We haven’t really had that conversation yet.”
“Well, are you seeing anyone else?”
“No.”
“Is he?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Then he’s totally your boyfriend.”
Yeah. I guess he is.
“Have you seen Angie lately? I haven’t seen her since my accident,” said Charlie.
“Nope. She’s cut way back on her hours since she got her new boyfriend, Dave.”
Charlie nodded. “What about Marco? I feel like I’m totally out of the loop.”