by Fiona Lowe
Ellie pulled her hand out of Sarah’s and stood before crossing the room and refilling her glass. Sarah watched her beautiful sister’s face framed by the blonde curls she’d envied more than once growing up. Ellie’s head was the only part of her body that was visible; the rest of her was hidden behind her signature baggy, grunge-coloured clothes. Clothes Sarah suddenly understood hid her body from the world. From the prying eyes of men. A strangled sob escaped as the realisation of exactly how much had been stolen from her younger sister engulfed her.
‘The night he raped me in this room changed everything. Up to that point, he’d befuddled me with his clever mix of fatherly affection, discipline and shame. But after that night, I knew without a doubt that he wouldn’t stop there. What would follow was inevitable and ongoing, and it would kill me as much as he would if I betrayed him.’ Ice clinked in Ellie’s glass. ‘I told Mum.’
Sarah’s heart hammered but instead of pumping hope, sickening dread trickled through her. ‘And?’
‘Before I tell you, I think it helps if you know that my counsellor believes our mother is a narcissist.’
‘You mean someone who loves themselves?’
‘Sort of. It’s more complicated than that. It’s a mental health issue. Narcissists need to be admired. They need to be the centre of attention and they’ve got little or no empathy for others. Sadly, my metamorphosis from gangly kid to young woman made me, in our mother’s eyes, the competition. I received far too much attention for her peace of mind. Jealousy and envy are not normal maternal emotions but unbeknown to me, they’d become the bedrock of our relationship.’ Ellie laughed tightly. ‘Of course, it’s taken years of counselling to recognise what was going on. At fourteen, I was clueless. All I wanted was to be rescued and protected.’
‘Of course you did. You deserved to be,’ Sarah said hotly as the word competition burrowed in, bringing with it a sinister premonition. She’d read every one of the letters in the ribbon-tied bundles she’d found in her mother’s wardrobe but even as the thought dangled itself in front of her, it was too horrible to contemplate. She rejected it out of hand. ‘What did Mum say?’
‘When I told her what her esteemed family friend and financial advisor had done, she slapped me for making up such scandalous lies. She promptly sent me to boarding school, which saved me, but not quite in the way I imagined.’
No. No. No. No. No. Sarah’s hands flew to her face, cupping her mouth as she dry retched. ‘I—it—was Robert?’
Ellie’s head tilted almost imperceptively. The savagery of Margaret and Robert’s brutal betrayal of her sister rained down on Sarah, spinning her head and bringing the façade of a mostly functioning family crashing down around her feet. As she struggled to think, she didn’t know which was worse: that her mother had abandoned her daughter for the love of a man or that the same man had abused her sister. Her hands pulled hard at her hair, the stinging pain a welcome distraction from the hideous possibility that the despicable man might also be Ellie’s biological father.
‘It’s hard to get a handle on, isn’t it?’ For the first time, Ellie’s face contorted, pain and suffering twisting it into ugliness. ‘While you’re struggling to come to grips with the fact that my abuser was Mingunyah’s finest, a dedicated family man, an upstanding member of the church and my godfather, you can understand why it was so hard for me to say anything at the time.’
Guilt, shame and rage filled Sarah. ‘He’s lucky he’s dead or I’d be banging his door down. I fucking thanked him for looking after you. I told that bastard more than once how grateful I was for his support of Mum. When I confided in him, telling him how worried we all were about you, he colluded, saying, “Sometimes, no matter how much we love someone, we can’t help them until they want to help themselves.” That lying prick told me I had to have faith that you’d eventually find your way. And all the time he was the lowlife pushing you off your path into the dark and stealing your childhood.’
A sharp pain jagged through her and she doubled over, her throat burning with acid. ‘Oh God. Mum colluded too. I’ve been so critical of you and your life choices and the two of them let me believe their lies. No wonder you never came back here.’ Sobbing, she jumped to her feet and ran to Ellie, hugging her close. ‘I’m … s-ss-sorry,’ she sobbed. ‘I am so, so sorry.’
Ellie wrapped her arms around her and patted her back. ‘It’s okay, Sarah. Please don’t hyperventilate on me. Just breathe.’
Getting air into her objecting lungs took effort but slowly, her jerky breaths steadied. She dug for a tissue in the pocket of her pants and thankfully found one to swipe at her eyes and blow her nose on. When her vision finally focused, she studied her sister. With her smooth skin, blue eyes and Shirley Temple curls, she looked like a porcelain doll—perfect and untouched by anything sordid. Dear God, how looks could deceive.
‘How can you stand here so calmly and dispassionately and comfort me when—’ Words failed her.
Ellie sighed. ‘I’m not calm or dispassionate but I’m no longer letting anger control me. I was lost for a long time. All that stuff you worried I was doing, I did all of it and then some, including a few things I’m not proud of. For a long time, I struggled to stick with anything. I chopped and changed courses and jobs and made more than my fair share of bad choices in men. When you hate yourself, you don’t expect anyone to treat you well. But the night I found myself dodging a fist shocked me into getting help.
‘The Latrobe student health service was fantastic and after a lot of hard work, I’ve found my own version of peace. That man stole my adolescence and early twenties, but he’s not part of my adult life any more.’ She grimaced. ‘Well, mostly he isn’t. There are times when he sneaks back and creates havoc. Living here has been a challenge.’
Sarah was suddenly frantic. ‘You can’t stay here. You have to move. You and Noah can live with me.’
Ellie’s mouth curved into a wry smile. ‘Yesterday I would have jumped at that. Even an hour ago, I would have accepted the offer, but now I’ve told you and you believe me, I don’t have that same frantic need to flee. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to live here forever, but right now, it’s important for Noah that we don’t rush off anywhere.
‘You were right, Sarah—I’ve stressed him out so much that when we move again, it’s going to be to somewhere with a lease for at least a year. Meanwhile, although I don’t plan to ever eat in this room, I’ll open it up and encourage Noah to play with the netsuke. Besides, if Noah and I did move in with you, we’d cramp your style with Edmund.’
Sarah’s cheeks burned. ‘Edmund and I are—’ She faltered. Are what? The weight of her failing marriage bore down on her. Alex, Kelly, Edmund; everything was complicated. She couldn’t talk about it, because she wasn’t sure she could articulate how she felt about her and Edmund. Besides, right now, she needed to know more about Ellie.
‘Why didn’t you tell me about the abuse after your counselling? You know, when you were feeling better?’ She heard the hurt in her voice—did she even have the right to be hurt? She glanced at Ellie, anxious about her reaction.
‘That’s easy. He was still alive and to be honest, after everything I’d done, I just assumed you and Cameron would side with Mum.’
Sarah rubbed her face, overwhelmed with sadness and shame. ‘I can see why you’d think that way. God, since you’ve come home, we haven’t made it easy for you, have we? I’ve judged everything you do against all those lost years. No wonder you stayed away.’
‘I stayed away because it was the only way for me to have a chance at staying healthy.’
Sarah considered that and found herself calculating time. ‘And Robert died three years ago. Is that why you came back?’
‘I came back because of the job. If he’d still been alive, I wouldn’t have applied for it.’
‘God, I hate him!’ Vitriol surged so hot and fast, Sarah rubbed her sternum. ‘He not only stole from you, he stole from me too. I lost my sister. I know you we
re only thirteen when I went to France but before we left we’d had some fun together. When we got back, I was looking forward to getting to know the young adult Ellie. I wanted to be your sister and your mentor, but by then you rarely came home to Mingunyah. And I swallowed the spoiled princess story Mum and Robert fed me.’ She picked up her sister’s hand. ‘I should have tried harder. I’m sorry.’
‘Even if you’d tried harder, it wouldn’t have made any difference. When I was at MLC, I moved heaven and earth to avoid coming home as much as possible. Fortunately, I had friends whose families were happy for me to tag along on holidays and, despite what Mum told you, she was far happier when I was out of town.’ Ellie’s expression turned contemplative. ‘This must be hard for you too, learning our mother is such a two-faced bitch. Did you know about the affair she had with him after Dad died?’
Sarah almost said yes, but then she’d have to explain the letters and she was loath to do that. Despite feeling confident that Ellie would not want to read them, it wasn’t worth the risk. If she’d learned anything in the last few weeks, it was that nothing in life was predictable or dependable. Ellie had already suffered so much and bravely come out the other side. Sarah didn’t want to jeopardise her recovery, so for now it was safer to lie. ‘Mum hinted the other day there’d been a man in her life after Dad but I didn’t know who it was. When did you find out?’
‘They hid it really well, but the first suggestion was six months after your wedding. I discovered he was giving both of us gifts. When Mum found a necklace that he’d given me, she went ballistic. But I didn’t know for sure until the night I told her what he’d done to me in here. During that screaming match, she said she’d had enough of me always needing to be the centre of attention. That outrageous lies were never going to make him mine when he was already hers.’
Sarah flinched at the bald words. ‘I can’t believe she betrayed you so viciously. God, she punished you for telling the truth. And the awful thing is that if you’d told me all this two months ago, I probably would have struggled to believe that she hadn’t supported you. I’d have thought you’d misinterpreted her sending you to boarding school as banishment. But with the issues around the will and all those years of canonising Dad when she was getting it off with—’ She sucked in a breath to keep her disgust at bay. ‘She abandoned you. I have no idea who this woman I’ve called Mum really is.’
Indignation surged in over grief. ‘And you know what? Even before all this awfulness, I thought you deserved your share of her money but now … You should sue her! We’ll fight this together.’
Ellie’s face hardened. ‘I don’t want anything from her.’
Sarah opened her mouth to tell her sister not to be ridiculous but closed it quickly. This wasn’t a battle for today, but it was a conversation she was determined they would have in the future.
Returning to the window seat, they sat shoulder to shoulder. Sarah was struck by the fact they were sitting physically closer than they had in decades and she now had a far better understanding of who her sister was—a remarkably brave and resilient woman.
‘Ellie?’
‘Sarah.’
‘You’re not gay, are you.’
‘No.’ She sighed. ‘I’m not. But letting you think I might be was easier than dealing with your questions about why I didn’t have a bloke. And before you ask, Noah is a blessing I never expected to have but that’s a story for another day. His father and I came together for one night after we almost drowned.’
Another shock detonated inside Sarah. There was so much she didn’t know about Ellie. ‘I definitely want to hear that story when you’re ready. I want to hear all your stories when you’re ready so I can get to know you. Have you—do you—can you …?’ There was no easy way to frame her question so Sarah just went for it. ‘Have you ever known the joy of a loving relationship?’
‘Funny you should ask …’
‘What?’
‘Poor Luke. He wants to try.’
Sarah squealed and bumped her sister’s shoulder. ‘Luke Sorenson is divine. And you know what they say about plumbers: they’re good with their hands.’ Busy laughing, it took her a moment to realise Ellie hadn’t bumped her back. ‘Hang on. Why did you say “poor Luke”?’
Ellie bit her lip. ‘As much as I want to be normal, Sarah, sex is something I struggle with.’
Sarah’s gut burned with anger at what one disgusting man’s carnal needs had cost her sister. ‘Have you told Luke what happened?’
‘Sort of.’
‘What do you mean?’
Ellie flicked lint off her pants. ‘I told him about Ryan. The guy who hit me.’
Misery pulled tight and hard and Sarah’s tears returned. Her sister had endured and lost so much. Ellie had never known the things Sarah considered her basic right—to be loved and respected for who she was and for what she believed. The right to enjoy a healthy sex life. So many things she’d taken completely for granted. More than anything, she wanted Ellie to have and to know the joy of unconditional love.
‘I know I’m not your counsellor, Ellie, but if you want a chance with Luke, you have to tell him what you just told me. He needs to know or it will get in the way. Don’t let that miscreant or Margaret’s warped reaction drive away what could possibly be the best thing that’s ever happened to you. You deserve a fine man and Luke embodies all that is good.’
Ellie’s blue eyes suddenly flashed. ‘How do you know he’s a good man? How can we ever really tell?’
‘Surely he’s told you about—’ She stopped, uncertain as to whether she should be saying anything, yet wanting to banish Ellie’s scepticism. The information wasn’t a secret; anyone who’d been in town five years ago knew. Then again, she doubted Ellie would have told anyone about her and Luke so no one would have mentioned the story.
‘What?’ Ellie sat a bit straighter, eyes narrowing. ‘I knew he was too good to be true.’
‘He’s not too good to be true,’ Sarah said resolutely, ‘but it sounds like you’re not the only person keeping secrets.’
‘So tell me.’
She shook her head. ‘Would you want me to tell him what you just told me?’
‘No!’ Ellie looked stricken. ‘God, you wouldn’t.’
‘Of course not, but it works the other way too. It’s Luke’s story. He’s the one who needs to tell it. If the two of you are serious about trying to make this work, you both need to sit down and have an honest-to-goodness heart to heart.’
Ellie’s brows rose. ‘Like you and Alex need to?’
The truth hurt and Sarah winced. ‘Alex and I can barely be civil with one another, let alone talk. I imagine it won’t be long before our lawyers will be doing the talking for us.’
‘So why are you so keen I talk to Luke?’
‘Because you deserve what I had for so long.’ Sarah shoved her phone at her sister. ‘Call him. Go see him. I’ll mind Noah.’
Anxiety flitted across Ellie’s face. ‘He’ll be at work.’
‘Luke’s his own boss and you told me he wanted to try with you. I guarantee you, if he truly means what he says, he’ll take your call unless he’s out of range.’
Emotions warred in Ellie’s eyes. ‘Even so. I’ll call him after five. That’s probably better.’
Sarah was having none of that. She took back her phone and brought up her contacts list, found Luke’s name and hit the call button.
‘Stop it.’ Ellie grabbed for the phone. ‘What are you doing?’
‘Being the sister I should have been years ago.’
* * *
Ellie lunged for the phone just as her sister said, ‘Hi, Luke. Sarah Hadfield.’ She returned what Ellie assumed was his greeting and query with, ‘No, my plumbing’s perfect. I hear you’re dating Ellie. You do realise my little sister’s special?’
‘Sarah!’ Ellie hissed, frantically making another attempt to wrest the phone away while Sarah listened to whatever Luke was saying. But her sister dodged and weav
ed with similar skills to Gus when he had possession of the ball.
‘I’m glad to hear you say that, Luke,’ Sarah said, holding her left arm out in front of her, blocking Ellie. ‘So, you’ll agree with me then when I say she deserves to know—’
Thirty seconds later, Ellie’s phone rang and Luke’s name lit up the screen.
‘Ellie, your sister can be scarier than you.’
‘I heard that!’ Sarah called out.
Luke sighed. ‘Come for dinner tonight but do me a favour? Leave Sarah behind.’
CHAPTER
18
Ellie wound her way along the heavily wooded Macs Road, marvelling at how densely dark a moonless night sky was without light pollution. Shadows ducked and weaved as her headlights bounced off the massive tree ferns and towering gums until finally the beam picked up a row of roadside mail boxes. Until Luke had given her his address, she’d assumed he lived in town, not ten kilometres out. A wombat stood in the road, staring at her headlights, either blinded or unimpressed by her need to turn left. She edged forward and eventually it lumbered away. If Noah had been with her, he’d be in seventh heaven.
She drove down a tree-lined drive, wondering if the bare trees were ornamental pears. She hoped so; they were one of her favourite trees. In summer their full foliage was lush and green, defying the heat, and in autumn the leaves ignited to a vivid fire red; a defiant last hurrah before they conceded to winter’s chill and fell soundlessly to the ground. But it was the trees’ spring extravaganza that she loved best. They dripped with thick clusters of white blossoms, looking almost bridal, casting a magical spell over the valley and filling her battle-scarred self with energy and hope. Going on the length of this driveway, the spring display would be positively regal.
Aren’t you getting ahead of yourself? Spring’s two months away. Life can change irreparably in two months.
And her life could change tonight. Sarah was right—Ellie needed to tell Luke all of her story, but right now that took a back seat to the secret Luke was keeping from her. She rounded a bend and the headlights illuminated the house. Surprise made her brake sharply. The small weatherboard cottage she’d been expecting was a sprawling, modern, homestead-style brick house with wide verandas to protect against the summer heat.