by Fiona Lowe
Sarah mustered a faint smile and stood up. ‘If it’s okay with you, I’ll come back early in the morning. I want to be here when Gus wakes up.’
‘You should stay,’ he said flatly.
She looked at him—this man whose body was as familiar to her as her own, and yet in so many ways he was now a stranger. Exhaustion emanated from every pore and she ached to reach out and touch him. Console him. Seek consolation from him. But there was nothing in his expression or in the planes of his body that intimated she had that right anymore. It was surreal. She was standing in her own home with her husband but she may as well be a guest at a B&B with the owner offering her the use of a room.
‘I’ll make up the spare bed.’ She pushed her chair under the table and turned to go.
‘Sarah.’
‘Yes.’
‘I meant what I said about the business. It’s not the same without you.’
She read genuine regret on his face but emotions duelled inside her. He’d missed her but he was the one who still had his lover on their staff. ‘I was telling Finn the truth when I said I can’t talk about this right now. The stuff with Mum and the family, it’s—’ But she was in no fit state for that conversation either. ‘I’m barely staying afloat as it is.’
‘There’s no pressure to come back,’ he said quickly. ‘Whenever you feel ready.’ His usually confident demeanour dimmed and his body looked as if it didn’t know how to sit comfortably. ‘Kelly’s taken a job at Gunderson’s. We thought it was the best solution.’
We? Sarah swallowed hard and pressed her nails into her palms as every emotion from anger to sadness pummelled her. What was the protocol here? Did an estranged wife thank her husband for moving his mistress out of their shared business? No way was she doing that. A rational voice rose above the melee of indignation: You’re missing the point. He’s cleared the way for you to return to work.
Could she work with Alex again? Could they navigate this new way of being together as business partners and parents but not friends and lovers? She had no idea.
‘I appreciate the information,’ she finally managed to say. ‘Goodnight, Alex.’
‘Goodnight, Sarah.’
Sleep didn’t come. Her mind was too full of the kids, Alex’s work-related olive branch, Edmund’s intimation of a shared future, her mother’s bombshells, the questions about her father and her dilemma over whether to tell Ellie about Robert. All of it put Cameron’s likely shifty dealings with the will in the shade. She tossed and turned on the pillow-top mattress and didn’t need the alarm to wake her. As she rolled out of bed, she heard the distinctive snap of cleats and saw the red flashing taillight of Alex’s road bike. In a sea of change, some things stayed the same.
It had been seven weeks since she’d last made breakfast in the Riverbend kitchen. Opening cupboards and drawers, she noticed Alex and Gus now stored some things in different places. The coffee machine was in its usual position, however, and as she brewed herself a strong black, she watched the pink of the dawn spread across a cloudless sky and waited for the boys to wake up.
She’d downloaded the paper and was drinking her second cup of coffee when Gus ambled into the kitchen. She jumped up.
‘Morning, darling. Would you like pancakes? Eggs?’
‘Pancakes.’
‘Right,’ she said brightly, rewhisking the sitting batter. ‘You’re up early. Dad’s just back from his ride. He’s in the shower so he won’t be long.’
Gus poured himself some orange juice. ‘I thought he’d go ballistic.’
‘Last night?’
‘Yeah. I mean he went mental about the footy and the play, but I punch someone and he’s like, “I love you, Gus.”’
‘I do love you, Gus.’ Alex appeared in the kitchen, dressed in his work uniform of drill pants, a blue chambray shirt and a Mingunyah Bread and Cheese polar fleece. ‘I don’t like it that you hit someone, but I love you.’
‘Sweetheart.’ Sarah heard the hesitancy in her voice. ‘You understand about the mediation process, don’t you?’
‘Yeah. I have to apologise to that cunt, Mason.’
‘Gus!’ Pancake mix splattered onto the bench at the unexpected profanity.
He shot her a mulish look.
‘What did the cunt do?’ Alex asked conversationally.
Astonished, Sarah looked between father and son, struck by the role reversal. Usually Alex was the reactive parent and she was the proactive one.
Gus looked at his father. ‘Nothin’.’
‘You’re my son. I know you wouldn’t hit someone without a great deal of provocation.’
‘Gus. We don’t want you to be charged but unless you explain what was going on in your head when you found yourself whipping back your arm and flattening this boy, apologising won’t be enough.’
Gus shrugged. ‘I’m having a shower.’ He left the room.
‘Alex.’ Everything she felt, all her frustrations and fears, clung to his name.
He huffed out a long sigh. ‘I know.’
‘Graeme said he was sober and the saliva test didn’t detect any drugs but—I know he’s angry with us, but is that enough for him to forget everything we’ve ever taught him and hit some kid?’
‘I haven’t been the best role model recently.’
Regret rolled off Alex, regret she shared. ‘Neither have I, but we haven’t hit anyone.’
‘Not physically. But we’ve hit each other pretty hard with our words and our behaviour, and he’s witnessed it.’ Alex accepted the coffee she was surprised to realise she’d automatically made for him. ‘I suppose we should probably search his room. See if we can find anything.’
‘I hate that we should,’ she said reluctantly. ‘And how are we dealing with his school suspension? I don’t want him to be on his own like he was during the holidays.’
‘There’s plenty of work on the farm.’
‘He should study.’ But even as she said it, she knew it was a vain thought. ‘What if he goes skiing with Finn?’
Alex looked at her sharply, clearly taken aback. ‘You want to reward Gus for decking a kid?’
‘More like I hope he’ll tell his brother what really happened.’
Alex stared out the window at the chorus of magpies. ‘You always say that side-by-side thing works with boys. What if the four of us go skiing today?’
First Alex had been calmer with Gus than she had, and now he was suggesting a family outing? He never suggested family outings. She’d probably never given him the room or the opportunity. The rueful truth slugged her hard. Skiing meant another day not visiting her mother but in so many ways, Margaret was already dead to her and Gus came first.
‘It’s worth a shot.’
‘That’s what I’m thinking.’
* * *
‘My legs are jelly.’ Sarah pivoted on the heel of her ski boot and sank inelegantly onto the bench seat, miraculously avoiding spilling her hot chocolate. ‘I held my breath coming down that last run.’
The four of them had spent the day together on the mountain; she and Alex skiing and Gus and Finn snowboarding. They’d shared the chairlift up the runs and met again at the bottom to do it all over again. They hadn’t spoken much, but the alpine air between them all was calm. Although Gus hadn’t said anything to either of them about what had happened the day before, he’d lost his haunted look. Sarah had even glimpsed him smiling a few times. It was a start.
The boys were keen to revisit the double black diamond area and had invited their parents along, but Sarah knew her limits. With twenty runs under her belt by three in the afternoon, if she risked Big Slide again now, she was likely to break a leg. Alex surprised her by declining the boys’ offer too and joining her at the outdoor café. ‘Remember when they were little and we’d be desperate to keep skiing but they’d be exhausted?’ Alex pulled off his gloves. ‘Now it’s the other way round.’
She laughed, thinking about those early days with young children. ‘We’d melt in the dr
ying room, battling to get them dressed in their snowsuits, helmets and gloves, finally get them out on the slopes, and they’d do one run and then need to wee. I don’t miss that.’
‘I miss the energy I had then.’
She glanced up from stirring the marshmallows into her drink. ‘This from a man riding three hundred kilometres a week?’
‘Two-seventy, but yeah. I can’t keep up with Finn and Gus any more.’ He downed his lukewarm hot chocolate. ‘Jesus, Sarah. I’m fifty soon. We’ve got a kid at uni. How did that happen?’
His salt and pepper hair was wild from being trapped under a hat and despite the lines around his eyes and mouth, she could still see the twenty-two-year-old she’d fallen in love with. She heeded the unspoken warning not to point out that he was still three years away from turning fifty.
‘You’ve packed a lot into the years.’
‘Yeah, but you heard Finn at lunch today. He’s got so many ideas and … I dunno …’ He shrugged. ‘I remember when my life was that open and full of possibilities.’
Once, she would have laughed and told him not to be ridiculous, but this time she heard his bewilderment. ‘It still is.’
‘I’ve lived more years than I’ve got left.’
Alex had always been so driven and busy with life that she’d never once thought he might stop and reflect. His father certainly didn’t and he was fit and vital at seventy-two, still slaying dragons with some part-time agronomy consulting.
‘And if you pack as much into these upcoming years as you’ve done with the ones you’ve had, you’ll have lived a remarkable life.’
His expression told her he didn’t agree.
‘Alex, we’re the biggest employer in town. Our cheese wins awards and sells around the world. Finn wants to work in the business and who knows? Maybe Gus and Emma will too. Either way, you’ve created a legacy.’
‘It doesn’t feel enough.’
Was this a fear of death thing? Every part of her ached for this over-achieving man she loved. ‘What do you want to do?’
‘I don’t know.’ She jumped at the anguish in his voice. ‘We got married young and then Finn came and life took over. I just got pulled along.’
Pulled along? Seriously? But she breathed deeply and let it go. ‘And we came back to Australia earlier than you wanted to.’ Her words came out of nowhere, surprising them both.
‘Yeah.’
Perhaps, deep down, she’d always known she’d been the one who wanted to come home. The original plan was five years in France. Alex had just signed his second contract with the engineering company in Toulouse when she’d discovered she was pregnant. It was a huge surprise; she hadn’t known it only took one missed pill for a baby to settle in and get comfy. Once the shock wore off, she’d embraced the pregnancy but at the same time, the idea of mothering in a foreign country so far away from everything familiar overwhelmed her. She’d pushed to return to Australia and Alex had reluctantly capitulated.
‘Do you want to go back to France?’ she asked, floundering in his misery.
‘No. I don’t know.’ He shredded the edge of his polystyrene cup. ‘God, we’ve worked so hard to get the business to this point so we can have a bit more time. Now I feel like I’m treading water.’
She studied him carefully, looking for clues. Had Anita been right when she’d said Alex might need a new project? ‘The double-edged sword of a successful business?’
‘I didn’t expect it to be like this.’
His unhappiness settled over them both. More than anything, she wanted to wave a wand and see him happy again, but she had no such magic.
‘I had no idea you felt this way. I thought you loved your newfound freedom and the cycling, but … Have you thrown yourself into a less satisfying challenge?’
A reluctant smile curved his mouth. ‘You might have a point.’
‘Last night Finn said all we ever talk about is the business. Who knew our man-child was so perceptive?’ A tight laugh scratched her throat. ‘But he’s right. We talk about the business and the kids, but somewhere along the way we stopped talking about us. I’ve been struggling too, Alex. For months, I’ve been feeling sandwiched between the demands of the kids, you, Riverbend and Mum. And how’s this for irony? I’ve been jealous of your cycling and free time when I couldn’t seem to find any for me.’ She brushed the scattered polystyrene balls into a group. ‘I wish I’d known you were so unhappy.’
‘I wish I’d known you didn’t want to be superwoman.’ He hooked her eyes with his as the tips of his fingers brushed the tips of hers. ‘We’re as bad as each other.’
It was the first time he’d touched her in weeks and his cherished and familiar warmth spun into her, rushing to fill empty places. Was this a peace offering? A chance to rebuild? Or was it a stoic acknowledgement that they’d once loved and had now lost.
‘Sarah?’
Her pulse leaped at the voice behind her. Edmund. No. Not now. Even if he hadn’t called her name, the change in Alex would have signalled Edmund’s presence: his vulnerable and conciliatory mood had vanished and his mouth was a thin, grim line.
Alex stood as quickly as ski boots allowed and thrust out his hand. ‘Edmund.’
‘Alex.’
Sarah watched the two men eying each other like boxers in a ring. One fair, tall, straight and thin; the other dark, not quite as tall, but definitely straight, broad and solid. With animosity burning brightly in their eyes, they puffed out their chests. Holy shit. How blind had she allowed herself to be for all these years?
Edmund turned to her. ‘Are you okay?’
She nodded.
‘And Gus?’
‘I’ll tell you later,’ she said hurriedly, not wanting to have this conversation with him here or now.
Edmund bent down quickly and kissed her, a clear marking of what he believed was his. ‘Call me, yes?’ he said softly before straightening. He gave Alex a curt nod and left.
Her cheeks burned with mortification. A few weeks earlier, she’d have been thrilled if Edmund had kissed her like that in front of Alex, but now it felt tawdry. More concerning was the fact she couldn’t shake the feeling she was more than partly responsible for Edmund’s action. What other conclusion could he possibly draw from their frequent afternoons of sex?
‘I’m sorry,’ she said to Alex, who was still standing. ‘God. He shouldn’t have done that. It was—’
‘Petty? Competitive? He obviously feels he has the right.’ Alex picked up his gloves. ‘What we were talking about before … In the spirit of full disclosure and telling each other things, I never slept with Kelly.’
He turned and walked away before her stunned mind could muster up a single word.
CHAPTER
22
Ellie invited Luke to the park so he and Noah could spend some time together. After having fun kicking the footy and being silly on the play equipment, they’d returned to Mill House for the early-evening kid rush. With Noah now tucked up in bed, Ellie was watching Luke move around the kitchen.
‘I can cook, you know.’
‘I know. I saw the spag bol you gave Noah for his dinner.’
‘But you think I can’t cook for grown-ups?’
He held out his hand and she took it, allowing him to pull her in close. ‘I think you have a lot of skills and talents, but you’ve been in the vegetarian wilderness a long time.’ He kissed her. ‘Besides, I like cooking for you. I like watching the look on your face when a flavour you love hits your taste buds. It’s almost as good as watching you come. And talking of orgasms—’
‘We were? I wasn’t aware.’ She watched him grin like a kid caught raiding the lolly jar. She didn’t know what she appreciated more, the joy she got from teasing him or the relief that she could.
He tucked a wayward curl behind her ear. ‘How do you feel about the Valley View motel one night this week? I checked and they don’t have any bears.’
She laughed. ‘I’d love to but it seems wrong to be spe
nding money to have sex.’
‘I thought you didn’t want to have sex here because of Noah and you said my place is haunted.’
‘Hello.’ Sarah rushed in. ‘Sorry I’m late. Has Noah gone to bed?’
‘He’s probably still awake hoping you’ll read him a story.’ Ellie accepted the bottle of wine Sarah was holding. ‘How’s Gus?’
‘Back at school but still not saying anything.’ Fatigue clung to her sister. ‘I hope it’s okay with you, but he’s coming here at eight straight after band practice.’
‘No problem,’ Luke said. ‘There’s plenty of food. Seeing there’s four of us, why don’t we eat in the dining room?’
Sarah’s head whipped around so fast, Ellie thought it might snap off. Her big sister was spearing her with a tight look of disappointment barely tempered by understanding. Ellie couldn’t move; her feet were rooted to the floor as eddies of anxiety washed through her. She still hadn’t told Luke, because the bubble of happiness they were floating in was so amazing she didn’t want anything to burst it. That and she couldn’t forgot how upset he’d been when she’d told him about Ryan. This news would traumatise him.
Luke must have felt something because he was glancing between them, clearly confused. ‘What’s going on? No, don’t tell me …’ He laughed. ‘The dining room’s haunted too.’
The silence that followed was so loaded even the slightest movement would trigger an explosion. Ellie’s mind seized and her tongue grew thick and stuck to the roof of her mouth.
Sarah spoke first. ‘Ellie will tell you. I’m going to read to Noah.’ She walked out of the kitchen, her fading footsteps echoing back to them.
‘El? You’re looking a bit green around the gills. What’s the big story?’
She hugged him, letting her head rest on his chest for a moment, wondering where to start. Not wanting to start anywhere. Finally, she raised her head and gazed up into his open face, feeling his love and care cocooning her. She cupped his cheek.
‘I love you, Luke.’ The words tumbled out unexpectedly but they felt right.
His arms tightened around her and he smiled. ‘I love you, too, Ellie J. With all my heart.’