by Robin Banks
Gwen is smiling and crying at the same time.
I find my voice first, thought it comes out ever so small. “Did you mean that? About me?”
Asher leans away from me, looking concerned. “I didn’t mean to commit you to this. I mean, you’re still young, I know, and I’m sure there’s plenty you still want to do, but yeah, obviously, if you were up to it. If not, you’d still make a good auntie. Uncle. Whatever.” He frowns. “Obviously if I’m going to have kids I’d like you involved in their lives. Why wouldn’t I? What were you thinking?”
They’re both staring at me, Gwen’s eyes still moist.
“I just… assumed this was… for now?”
Gwen shakes her head. “I’m going to need more words than that, loveling. Ideally arranged into actual sentences.”
“I thought this was just a thing. For now. And when the situation changed, that it would be over.”
Asher looks completely bemused. “Obviously, if you or any of us wants to do or be something else… I mean, I call the old boot my wife, but I don’t own her. I don’t want her to be with me out of contractual obligation. And if tomorrow she wants something else, I’ll do my level best to be part of that something else, but if she wants out then she’s out. Same for me, though I’m apparently incapable of realizing how truly awful she is. So I thought it was the same for you. Actually, I thought you were kind of waiting to see how involved you wanted to be. Because I was waiting to know that.” He frowns. “But we never spoke about it. That was bad on my part.”
“I thought...” It’s hard to make the words come out, because they are so sharp. Putting them out in the world will make them more real. “I thought that while I could be with you, then I’d be in. Because I love you guys. And I know you love me. But I thought that when the situation changed, then it would all just be over.”
Gwen squints at me. “When the situation changed?”
“Yeah. If I wasn’t needed anymore. If I had to leave. I mean, I had good friends at the lab, but when they got assigned places, they just went. I knew I’d probably never see them again, unless we got assigned together. I tried to keep in touch with some of them, but it never really worked out. So I didn’t think I could hold on to you guys. I didn’t want to hope for it because if it didn’t happen then it would really suck. I thought it was easier to accept that we’d probably end up drifting apart. And I know you love each other more than you love me.” That puts a lump in my throat. “And that’s ok. I know I don’t love you as much as you love each other, either. So if I had to go, it would be bad, but ok, really.”
Asher stares at me in dismay. When he finally speaks, he seems to struggle to find his words. “I love this woman more than I love anyone or anything in the world. More than I love myself. I know it’s not healthy, and sometimes I hope that it will change, but I don’t see it happening any time soon. And my love for you is different.” He nods to himself. “There’s no denying that. I love you as much as I love myself, though I like you better. I know that’s second best, but it’s the best I can offer. I thought it was enough. I thought you were happy. I never wanted to hurt you. Gods, I didn’t want that.”
“You didn’t hurt me! And I know you love me.”
Gwen speaks up. “But you measured that love against the love you think we have for each other, and thought it was second-rate?”
“No! Just, you know… For now.”
“Everything is always for now. We could all have died not two days ago.”
“Yeah, but… “I trail off lamely.
Gwen’s voice is both hard and sad. “I will love you if you stay and I will love you if you go. I love you, Quinn. Your happiness is essential to my own. That’s what love means, for me. So if you wanted to go, I would miss you terribly, but I wouldn’t make you stay. I want you to be happy, even if it’s without me. But if you wanted to stay, and life tried to tear us apart, I’d fight for you tooth and nail.” She places a finger on my chin. “You are a dummy. A huge dummy. For thinking stuff like that, and for not saying anything. I love not one but two dummies. There is clearly something wrong with me.”
“I’ll write you a list,” says Asher. “It might take a while, though. I’ll probably get cramps in the process.”
Gwen turns to him. “Would you believe this fool kid, thinking stuff like that and not saying a damn thing?”
“Heh. Would you believe us two, never having this talk with her?”
“You’re the elder of the tribe. Must be your fault.”
“I love you too.” He elbows me in the ribs. “That means you too, in case you need it spelled out to you. Gods, this is going to be exhausting. Stuck between someone who does nothing but terrorize the populace and harangue me, and someone who needs to be told in triplicate that I love her. No wonder I’m tired.”
He sounds tired, too. “I’m sorry.” My voice is still squashier than I’d like it to be.
Asher closes his eyes and leans back. “Oh, stop it.” He sighs into his pillow. “I’m too old for this.”
“True dat,” mumbles Gwen.
“Harridan. I’m glad we straightened this out, but right now if you don’t shut up and let me sleep, I shall grow grumpy and unkind. If you’re going to bang, don’t jostle me unless you’re doing something so spectacular that you’re absolutely sure I wouldn’t want to miss it.”
Gwen leans right over me to give him a kiss, then snuggles up with me.
I feel as if I’m going to cry again, between the lump still in my throat and that on my head and my heart too full of wonder.
“And I meant every word I said,” Asher mumbles from his pillow. “You’d both make damn good parents. Once we’re straightened out, offer stands. Now shut the hell up and let an old man rest.”
The morning brings squishiness. Asher’s still fairly immobilized by his casts, and I still don’t feel up to any gymnastics, but Gwen’s clearly feeling better and we’ve all got hands. After a thorough fuck and a thorough wash, we all look remarkably like normal, healthy human beings. I nearly feel like one, too.
On the way to find Aiden, Uncle Charlie, and breakfast, the two of us either side of Asher as he hobbles down the corridor, Gwen gets her thinking head on.
“We need to start planning what we’re going to do. And we can’t really do that until we know what we need to do, and what we can do.”
Asher sounds more relaxed than I’ve heard him in ages. “Charlie won’t toss us out until we’re sorted.”
“I’m sure he wouldn’t want to, but we don’t know what the circumstances are. We don’t know what our status is.”
I frown. “We killed three cadets. Well, tiny terror did. If it didn’t make the news, what does that mean?”
Gwen shrugs. “Either they are covering up for us, or they are covering up for themselves. Can’t report the attack if they can’t admit there was one.”
“So either we’re mostly ok, or we’re totally screwed? That’s peachy.”
“And we still don’t know who ‘they’ are.”
“But we know that Marcus was involved?”
“We could assume that, but we can’t know for sure.”
Asher sighs. “What an asshole, that guy.”
“True. But not terribly helpful.”
“Neither was he,” he mutters.
I’m feeling more and more confused. “So we need to work out what our situation is before we can decide what we can do next? But how do we do that?”
“The main issues are whether Gwen is still a target now she’s out of the Academy, and whether she’s wanted for the last three deaths. If she’s not, we could just hand in our notices, pack our bags, take our credit and decide what we want to do next. I wouldn’t mind some flying.” His face brightens up. “Get a ship, take private jobs. Keep both of you where I can see you. Move around for a bit until we find a spot we like too much to move from. If we ever do.”
Gwen stops dead to look at him. “Asher…” Her voice trails off.
; “Woman, are you going to ask me what you want to ask me, or just stare at me with your pretty green eyes? Not that I mind girls with pretty green eyes checking me out, but this isn’t getting me breakfast.”
“Well… Do you think…”
“Occasionally. Why?” His face splits into a huge grin. “Yeah, I think I could fly a ship.”
We just stand there, goggling at him, until he starts guffawing. “Oh, it was worth doing this on the sly just to see your faces now.”
“Asher, I swear, if you don’t tell me what the hell is going on I shall gut you.”
“Hush, woman. This is my moment of triumph. Don’t sully it.”
“Asher!”
He rolls his eyes. “So pushy. After Quinn’s intervention, I’ve been feeling a bit better about things. Like something had got unclogged in my head, kinda thing. And Uncle Charlie has a simulator, among all his toys. It’s nothing like real flying; everything happens on the outside of you, rather than through you, if you get me, but it’s pretty damn good as simulators go. Anyway, when I saw it I was really tempted to get in there, and Uncle Charlie was really keen to get me in there too, but I wasn’t too sure about it. I remembered the last time I tried that. So I explained the whole thing to Charlie, and it turns out there’s a reason why he has a medic on staff. He’s not very well himself, and his problems are not entirely unlike mine. History, you know? It gets to us all. So Uncle Charlie had a word with Raul, and Raul had a word with me about various things we could try to take the edge off.
“Turns out I didn’t need too much of that. I got in there and didn’t even pee my pants. Which,” he turns to me, “if you knew how my last try on a simulator went, is rather a big deal, and nowhere near as metaphorical as I would like it to be. But I thought it’d be alright, and it was. That was two days ago. Yesterday I got in there all on my own, no chemical assistance, and it was fine. Was great, really. An actual ship would be different, obviously, but I couldn’t get into a simulator last time I tried and now I can, so there’s no reason why I couldn’t fly a ship, too.” He blinks. “I realize this makes no sense, but it just feels right, you know? I’m going back this afternoon, and look.” He holds his hands out. “Not shaking. Actually looking forward to it.”
Gwen stares at him for a couple of moments, then whoops and bear-hugs him.
“I fly better without broken ribs? But yeah, I’m feeling good about this. And heartily fed up to be cargo.”
“You are aware that on every single ship everyone’s a passenger apart from the one person doing the steering?”
“Yeah, well. At least passengers walk on of their own accord. They don’t have to be sedated and carried on board like parcels.”
Gwen frowns. “What about the two of us, then? We’d be useless.”
Asher starts walking again. “Gods of light, why me? Have I done something wrong in a past life? Nobody flies solo, milady. Nobody who wants to live. I could teach the both of you to fly. He’s got the aptitude, and you have the required absence of common sense. It would be perfectly viable. Buy us time, buy us air. Show you places. Plenty of runs I can do with delicate cargo and other pilots can’t.” I’ve never heard him sound as confident. “Need to get my legs fixed first, but that’s on course. Could do with a tech, though. I’m not much use with engines and you two intellectuals would be afraid of getting grease under your nails. I wonder what Aiden’s plans are. He’s in the same boat as us, now, really. Hard for him to explain away how he disappeared right when we did. Anyway, I wouldn’t mind some honest work. Out there, where there’s elbow room.”
“What if they’re still looking for us?”
Asher frowns. “Could do the same, but it’d be harder. We’d have to go out further towards the edges of the Fed. We’d need false identities, but that’s no biggy. Unless we need med care, or anything with biometric scans, but we can get most of that back street, for a fee. We couldn’t get on a tube, but we all hate them, so who cares? We’d have no credit to start up with, though. Need to earn us a ship.”
“Or steal one?” She sounds cheery. “I never stole a ship.”
Asher shakes his head. “Incorrigible little terror. Let’s save that for plan Z, ok? If we start out as criminals we’ll have to deal with criminals all along, and that can cause plenty of strife. I’d rather avoid strife for a while, if I can. I’d like a chance to get bored.”
“So unless or until we come up with a better plan, we’re all ok with that?” She looks around at me.
I nod. “I’ve never been anywhere much. Be nice to change that.”
Asher sighs. “Ok. We just need to sort out those teeny little details of how we’re gonna get there from here, but we’ve got a there to get to. I call that progress.”
We’ve reached the dining room, where the now-usual feast awaits. Aiden saunters in shortly after. It’s the first time I notice it, but he’s been looking oddly relaxed since we’ve been here. He’s not normally an excitable fellow, far from it, but he’s always seemed a touch uptight. Now he seems at ease; at home.
“We’ve been trying to make a plan for what to do next,” Gwen starts. “Kind of hard to do without much information.”
Aiden frowns. “Nothing on the news. Bad juju. Cover-up.”
“Yes. But we can’t be sure who’s covering up what, and why.”
“Patrol involvement, I think. High up. Or Fed. Hard to tell the difference. Patrol and Fed, they are separate, technically, but not really. Fed funds the Patrol. Patrol fights for the Fed.”
“But why would the Fed even care about what a teacher does?”
“Not just a teacher. You were changing the Patrol. How they do things. Not good for the Fed. For people like my father. My father is Fed. Not first class, actual Fed. Different thing. And they are not all good people.”
Gwen narrows her eyes. “What do you mean, actual Fed?”
“The people who run the Fed. My father is one of them.”
“Are you telling me that there is a secret cabal of über-powerful individuals pulling the strings of the Fed, and of the Patrol by extension?” Gwen erupts.
“Yes.”
He waits for us to respond, but we’re all too floored to say anything, so he carries on.
“I saw it growing up. Saw what my father did. Heard stories. My father is not a good man. He can always get what he wants. He thinks that it’s his right. They all do. They have different concerns. Their own plans and ideals. They want what they want. They care for bubbles, not people, not cultures. They want a stronger Patrol. Not more able to manage: allowed to intervene. Gwen’s stuff doesn’t help. I don’t know, but I think, this could be the problem.”
“Why didn’t they just fire me, then? Instead of all this bullshit.”
“Patrol is people, too. Good people. You got big before they could stop you. Once big, they couldn’t stop you. Heart of the new Patrol. Changing the way they do business.”
Asher sighs. “Can’t disagree with that. You’re kind of a big deal. If they’d fired you, there would have been the mother and father of all uproars, and they would have struggled to justify it. It would have been political.”
“But I’m not doing anything that anyone else couldn’t do just as well!” Gwen sputters.
“But nobody else did. It’s one of those situations where you can say that everyone knew that, or everyone could have done that, till you’re blue in the face. The fact is that they didn’t. You did.” He’s starting to get worked up now. “And after that huge clusterfuck in ’68 the Patrol was desperately looking for a solution. Your stuff came up at precisely the right time.”
“So this is a Fed conspiracy? Or Patrol?”
Aiden shrugs. “No way of knowing now. But I think high up. I think you have to find out.”
“But how? And why?”
“Different fallout. Patrol would forget once you stop work. Fed won’t. Easy to avoid the Patrol. They act legal, mostly. Hard to avoid the Fed.” He takes a deep breath. “Need to start ag
ain. Die and be reborn. Doable, but expensive. Maybe do that anyway?”
“What do you mean?” Asher asks.
“Biometrics. Change records some. Get some surgery, maybe. Die. New identities. Do it on records only, or find real-life corpses to die for you. I did that. Nobody looking too hard for me, though.”
“What?” We’re all goggling at him.
“When I was sixteen. There was this girl. Due to marry. All set up. We didn’t pick, families did. Dynastic arrangement. Had to get out of that.”
Gwen sounds bewildered. “You didn’t like her?”
Aiden sighs. “I liked her a lot. She didn’t like me. Would have married me anyway. For the family. Too much pressure. Would not say no. I had to say no for her. Had to stand up because she wouldn’t.” He leans back in his chair, with an oddly calm expression that doesn’t match his words.
“Father was not happy. There was a confrontation. Father always got physical when angry. Went too far that time. Had to, I guess. I wouldn’t back down. Thought he’d won. Beaten me into it. I was in med bay and Uncle Charlie came. He didn’t think Father would stop. Would get what he wanted, always. Uncle arranged my death. Easy switch in ’68. So many bodies.
“So I died. Was reborn. New name. Well, used name. Not a bad match. Full records. Got sent here in ’69 with everyone else. Always good at tech. Got into mining. Then got into the Academy. On my own. Felt good, that. Never done anything on my own before.
“Uncle Charlie moved here. He has some freedom from the family. Not much. He hides, plays with engines, makes credit they don't need. Never fought with Father. Firmly second son. Much safer. I come see him sometimes. Not enough. It’s not safe. I miss them. But it’s ok.”
It takes us a while to process that.
Gwen’s the first one to get up to speed. “So you were born, what, upper-upper-upper class? A class so high nobody can see it? And you checked out of that to save a girl you liked from having to marry you?”