by Daniels, J.
Over the following week, things slowly return to normal.
We fuck like crazy. I take my body temperature every morning, keeping a log of numbers I don’t completely understand. Luke goes to work. I work from home. We still aren’t talking about Max.
Again, I stall. Luke diverts.
This is stupid, and I know it. But who wants to shine a bright, blinding light on the fact that our household has shrunk when it should be multiplying? Who wants to point out how loud the silence is around us? Or how big and empty the house feels now? I sure as hell don’t.
I focus all of my energy, thoughts, worries, and attention on my upcoming appointment.
I Google the procedure. I study what to expect, the potential pain involved and side effects I could experience. I prepare myself in every way possible, even though I know I’ll be prepped the day of. And since I’m sure, certain, without a doubt that my tubes are fucked up, I look into what needs to happen after this step.
I read up on the surgery to remove the blocked portion of a tube, the whole tube, both tubes. I plan for everything, printing out medical journals and information on IVF, if it comes to that. I stay busy and the week flies by.
And when it’s finally the morning of July 2nd, I stir from sleep, excited and smiling. I kiss Luke awake. His mouth then his cock, and come so hard my eyes water, first grinding against his tongue and then again, bent over the bed, his dick buried deep and his hand in my hair. Again, I smile, and we kiss, tumbling over onto the bed, laughing together. He’s smiling now too. He’s happy. We’re both so happy and so fucking ready for today.
This is it.
This is it.
We’re so close now.
Luke leaves for work while I finish the shower we started together. After I dress, fix my hair, and grab something to eat, I head over to Ben and Mia’s house.
I need some girl time before my appointment.
“Do you want a drink or anything?”
Mia waddles over to the kitchen table, one hand on her extended belly and the other clutching a bottle of Gold Peak Sweet Tea. The maternity dress she’s wearing looks stretched to capacity and one bend away from splitting at the seams.
But Mia looks great, as usual. Eight and a half months pregnant and glowing. My best friend is the model expectant mother. She rocks this look.
“No, I’m fine,” I tell her. “And please sit down before you topple over.” I sit forward and push out her chair. “I can get myself something if I want a drink. I know where your fridge is.”
“I’m just being hospitable.” Mia slowly eases herself down into the chair, head dropping back and eyes closing after she accomplishes the task. She sighs and adjusts her position. “God, I am so done with this pregnancy. This last month is dragging. And I swear, I’ve gained ten pounds overnight.”
My hand forms to the curve of her belly. “How are you feeling today?”
“Large.” She opens her eyes and smiles at me, tucking strands of long, brown hair behind her ear. “And, to be honest . . . very horny.”
“Well, I’m sure my brother will help you out with that . . .” I gasp when I feel a quick knock against my palm. “Sup, Beau?” I lean closer, speaking softly to Mia’s belly. “Are you ready to meet your favorite aunt yet?”
“Three more weeks.” Mia blows out a sharp breath as she shifts her hips, slouching lower in the chair. “I told Ben this one’s going to be trouble.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because he’s never chill. And I already have the little heartbreaker with Nolan, who is his father to a T. Chase is my dare-devil. He pushes me, but he listens for the most part. Beau?” Mia shakes her head, laughing a little. “He’s going to be the one starting fights, hooking class, sneaking out in the middle of the night to do God knows what . . . I can feel it.”
“He’s going to be a badass.”
“Exactly.”
“Beau Kelly, the badass.” I lean back in my chair, smiling as I picture this adorable, dimpled Hellraiser, running the streets and causing chaos. “It actually fits. Good job picking the name.”
Mia takes a sip of her tea. “Thanks. I’ve always liked the name Beau.”
“It’s a cute name. Like, when you hear the name Beau, you automatically think the boy is cute.”
“Right?”
“I’m calling it now—he’s so getting some girl knocked up before graduation.”
“Tessa.” Mia sets her bottle on the table and holds her belly with both hands, like she’s trying to cover his little fetal ears. She drops her head and speaks to him in the sweetest, softest voice. “Don’t listen to your aunt. All the cool kids wait.”
I bite back a laugh. “Can’t really argue with that, now can I?” I give her a knowing look.
Mia was a virgin until she got with my brother.
So yeah, all the cool kids do wait.
A quick, shuffling noise turns my head in the direction of the hallway, and seconds later, little, bare feet kick out off the bottom step as Chase slides down the stairs, hitting the wall and toppling over onto his belly with a giggle.
I narrow my eyes at the object he used as a sled.
“Uh, I think Chase just took a ride down the stairs using the lid to your hamper.”
“What?” Mia leans forward in her seat to peer down the hallway. “Oh, my God, he did. Chase! What did I tell you about that? We walk down the stairs, baby. Okay? You can’t do that. Come here.”
I smile at my youngest nephew as he rushes down the hallway and into the kitchen, chocolate-brown hair a mess and gray eyes wild.
He’s pure mischief, and so fucking cute, he could easily get away with murder.
One look at him and the judge would toss out that case and take him for ice cream.
“Hi, Aunt Tessa.”
He pounds my fist when I hold it out. “What’s up, maniac? Do any sweet kickflips today?”
He blinks at me and grins. “What’s a kickfwip?”
“Please don’t give him any ideas.” Mia smooths his hair down and cups his flushed cheeks. “No more sledding down the stairs, okay?”
Chase laughs like Mia is crazy to suggest he do anything besides sled down those stairs, then he ducks underneath her outstretched arms and snatches up the two toy race-cars off the table.
“Oh, man,” I giggle, watching Chase push them around on the tile floor while making adorable little ‘zoom zoom’ noises. “You might want to hide everything that resembles a skateboard.”
“Did I tell you Ben bought him one of those for his you know what coming up?” Her brown eyes widen. “He’s turning three. Not ten. I told Ben he was crazy. Chase could break a hip or something.”
“You’re going to have to cut the cord sometime, Momma.”
“Never.” Mia gives me a soft smile, tilting her head. “You’ll see. You’ll be the same way.”
My heartbeat fills my body.
I love how she says that, like motherhood is a sure thing for me and something she’s able to picture so clearly inside her mind as if it’s already happened. It makes me believe in it that much more.
I can picture it too.
“Are you nervous about today?” she asks.
I shake my head, crossing one leg over the other. “Nope. I know something’s wrong with my tubes—this will prove it. Dr. London will fix whatever the issue is and then boom, pregnant.”
“Boom! Pwegnant!” Chase giggles underneath the table.
Mia and I share a laugh.
“Is this painful? Whatever they’re doing today?”
“I might cramp a little, but supposedly, it’s nothing major. I’m not worried about it.”
“Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you?” She rubs the side of her belly, just below her ribs. “I can drop the boys off at your parents’ house . . . or no. Shoot. They aren’t home. I might be able to drop them off at Beth’s . . .”
“Luke’s meeting me there, it’s fine. And it’s not like you can be in the
room with me.” I gesture at her stomach. “It’s all done under X-ray, remember?”
Mia frowns, suddenly looking incredibly disappointed now that I’ve given her that reminder. She holds her belly with both hands. “I forgot about that.”
“It’s really not a big deal.”
“I can sit out in the waiting room.” Her eyes are round and hope-filled. “Or in my car . . .”
“Mia.”
“I just don’t want to not be there if you get bad news. I’m not saying you will . . . and I know Luke will be there, but I’m your best friend, Tessa. What if you need me?” She huffs and bites at her lip, her face flushing now. “I should be there. I’ll go.”
“Okay, I’m going to need you to calm down and take a deep breath.” I lean forward and place my hands over hers. “Because if you get yourself worked up and go into labor right now, and I have to catch this kid, I’m going to kill you.”
Half of her mouth lifts. “Sorry.” Her chest rises and falls slowly as air moves in through her nose and out through her mouth. She repeats the action. “There. See? I’m calm.”
“Even if I get bad news today, like both of my tubes being blocked, it’s not the end of the world.” I watch Mia subtly nod her head, knowing this information already since I shared it with her days ago after doing my research. “I’ll get them removed. Then we’ll just fast-track to IVF. Right?”
“Right.”
“So worst case scenario, I’m still getting pregnant . . . and if that’s what needs to happen, if they need to take out my tubes, I’m ready for that. I’m ready for whatever news I get today.”
Her brows softly pinch together after I lean back in my seat.
“I’m sorry,” she says. “I just hate that you two are going through this. If anyone deserves a family, it’s you and Luke.” Her eyes mist over with tears. She blinks rapidly, warding them off. “Sorry. I won’t make you catch Beau, I promise.”
I quietly laugh, my shoulders shaking as I watch her wipe beneath her lashes. Just as I’m about to offer up the suggestion of a subject change to prevent Mia from losing her shit right now and throwing herself into pre-term labor, for sure, Nolan comes barreling down the stairs and rushing into the kitchen.
“Mom, can I call her now? Can I?” He pushes a hand through his thick, dark hair, causing it to stick up in sharp pieces at the top of his head. “It’s been long enough. Come on. I’ve been waiting forever.”
“Nolan, can you say hi to your Aunt before you ask me for something?” Mia raises a brow at him.
“Sorry. Hey, Aunt Tessa.” Nolan walks over to me and wraps his arms around my neck. “I’m still really sorry about Max.”
“Thanks, buddy. Me too.” I give him a hug, sniffing his neck before we separate. “Are you wearing your dad’s cologne?”
His eyes blink wider. “No.”
“Nolan,” Mia warns.
“I mean, yeah . . . but only a little.” He gives her a panicked look. “It’s not a big deal, Mom. Dad said I could.”
“Nolan, you’re seven. You shouldn’t smell like a man.” Mia smiles at him. “Stop trying to grow up so fast please. I can’t take it.”
“Who are you trying to smell all nice for?” I ask in a teasing way, knowing the answer before he gives it to me.
His dimples cave in his cheeks. “Ryan said she’s gonna come visit me one day. I gotta stay ready.”
My oldest nephew has already found the love of his life, meeting her last summer at our friend’s wedding in Chicago and quickly staking his claim. And if he wasn’t my brother’s son, I’d call this burning out before it ever had the chance to get started. They’re too young for this to last.
But Nolan will be the boy to prove all the doubters wrong.
“Good thinking, dude. You gotta stay fresh.” I hold up my hand and he high-fives it.
“Can I call her now, Mom? Please?”
“Yes, go ahead.”
Mia and I watch Nolan race to the counter and grab the house phone, his fingers frantically punching numbers after he whispers them to himself. When he’s finished dialing, he brings the phone to his ear and paces the floor in front of the table.
His steps are fast and frantic. I can hear his quick, anxious breathing.
“Is he always this nervous?” I ask, keeping my voice low.
“Hi, can I speak to Ryan, please? This is Nolan.”
Mia nods and leans closer. “Until he gets her on the phone, yeah. Especially if her dad answers.”
I give Nolan a smile when he glances at me, hoping to ease some of his distress. Then I watch his face light up. The happiest boy in the world somehow becoming happier. It shouldn’t be possible.
“Hey, baby, it’s me.” Nolan grins at us before quickly moving out of the room and hurrying up the stairs.
“Oh.” I gape at Mia. “My . . . God . . .” I giggle. “Hey, baby? Are you kidding me?”
“I know.” She covers her face.
“Wow. That kid is getting married the second he turns eighteen. Bet me.”
Mia slides her hands down so her nose and mouth are the only parts concealed, and pinches her eyes shut. Quiet whimpers begin to escape her. She sniffles and wipes at her cheeks. “He’s just like Ben,” she sobs.
“Oh, Jesus.” I roll my eyes.
My best friend is emotional without the added hormones. Pregnant Mia cries at everything. The other day when we went shopping together, she got upset over a really good sale.
“Oh, Jesus!” Chase echoes, giggling beneath the table.
Mia lowers her arms and scowls at me.
I scowl right back and wave her off. “Come on. Like that’s the worst he’s heard out of me.”
Knowing she doesn’t have an argument, Mia brings her hand back to her mouth and gets back to crying.
Holy fuck, it’s freezing in here.
My legs bounce against the seat as I wait inside the dimly lit X-ray room dressed in the ugliest hospital gown I’ve ever seen. Puke brown and paper thin. Goosebumps prick along my flesh. I brush my hands rapidly over my arms and pinch my thighs together as the door leading out of the exam room swings open.
The X-ray tech who explained some of the procedure to me returns with two fleece blankets.
“I’m so sorry it took so long. I grabbed you ones straight out of the heater. These will feel good.”
She hands me one of the blankets, then unfolds the other and drapes it across my back.
“Oo,” I moan in delight, drawing the ends around me so I’m cocooned. “That’s so much better.”
“We have to keep it cold in here because the machine gets so hot. I’m so sorry it’s this uncomfortable.”
“It’s okay. I’m good now.”
Blood warms in my veins, thawing me from the inside out. I’m no longer shivering against the seat.
Dr. London steps inside the room next and smiles after closing the door behind her. “We really should be getting started, Tessa. Would you like to try your husband again? See if he’s on his way?” She flips through a chart in her hand.
“He’s probably almost here.” I dig through my shorts on the seat beside me and pull out my phone.
My recent calls are still up after I type in my passcode and unlock the screen. I redial Luke while Dr. London and the tech converse with each other, and for the third time since I arrived at the hospital, his voicemail recording plays back in my ear.
I’m not annoyed he isn’t answering me. I am a little disappointed, I can’t help that, but I know Luke would be here right now if he could. I know he wants to be.
“It’s his job,” I give as an explanation after disconnecting the call and shooting out a quick text.
We need to start. Where are you?
I slip my phone away. “Shit happens. People need to get arrested, you know?”
Dr. London gives me a look of understanding as she hugs the chart to her body. “What would you like to do?” she asks. “Is it okay to get started without him? I’m afraid if
we wait any longer, we’ll have to reschedule.”
“No, there’s no need for that. I’m fine doing this alone.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’m ready.”
I get to my feet, keeping the one blanket around my shoulders and handing off the other to the tech when she gestures for it.
She spreads it out on the X-ray table as Dr. London steps over to the tray already prepared.
Instruments are laid out, some I recognize and others I don’t.
My eyes don’t linger. I hate looking at that stuff. And truth be told, I don’t care what tools they need to use. I just want to get this done.
“I’m excited.” I reconsider my words when Dr. London’s brows lift in response. “Well, not excited excited. I mean, you’re going to be all up in my junk, poking around in there . . . and that metal jack you use to hold me open really sucks, but yeah”—my shoulders jerk—“I’m looking forward to what’s after this, you know? Finally fixing what’s wrong with me . . .”
This is it.
This is it.
We’re so close now.
She offers me a kind smile and steps up to the table, gesturing for me to take a seat. “Well, let’s hope for nothing but good news.”
THE BEGINNING OF Tessa’s voicemail recording sounds in my ear for a second time as I weave around cars and speed down the highway.
“Fuck.”
I end the call and toss my phone on the passenger seat. Then I press the pedal to the floor, shifting gears, and take the shoulder to avoid getting stuck behind a tractor-trailer when some prick beside me boxes me in.
When I clear the truck, I cut back over into the lane, my grip on the wheel severe and my speed pushing the fastest I’ve ever gone.
I don’t give a fuck how fast I’m going right now. I’m too pissed to give a shit about anything except where I’m supposed to be and the one person I’m supposed to be with.
I love my job, always have, but today? Today I fucking hate my job. Because it’s 1:54PM and there’s not a chance in Hell I didn’t miss that appointment.