“Tell me it all.” I close my eyes and rest my head on his chest and wait.
“Your dad and brothers, were First Cavalry and so was I. We crossed paths now and then. Most of the time our teams came to relieve one another. They moved out, we moved in. A lot of times we all shared a space during the transition. Cody’s unit was known far and wide because they had an exceptional and outstanding group of soldiers. And they were able to inspire and keep moral up through the music they played. When they weren’t out on maneuvers, pulling duty, they were playing the guitar, singing and teaching anyone who wanted to know. Cody taught so many to play and so did Patrick. Your dad and brothers knew music was healing and good for the soul. I was able to play with Cody a couple of times. He was really good. Some of the guys started their own Facebook page and posted videos for family and friends back home. I’m surprised you didn’t know that.” He gives me an empathetic smile.
“Sergeant Major, he had pretty much done his time and could have retired long before he actually did. Word had it that he refused to retire while his sons were still on active duty and away fighting. He even volunteered or demanded assignments from what I heard. Ones that kept him close to your brothers.” He caresses my hair.
“I had no idea,” I whisper.
“I know that now.” He lays a gentle kiss on my temple. “One other thing I think you should know. Your dad, you talked about his retirement ceremony and not being invited?” I nod. I feel him take in a deep breath before releasing it. “Allie,” he whispers softly, “the reason you didn’t get an invitation to your dad’s retirement ceremony was because there wasn’t one. From what I heard after Cody’s death, he finally put in for his retirement and left the army. He refused anything formal. Everyone who knew him after his amazing career was shocked. He walked away from the military and never looked back. So that’s why, baby.” He wipes my tears.
“I’m a terrible daughter. He didn’t leave me. I left him.”
“PTSD.” I look up at him and see his eyes searching my face. “Cody, Patrick, your dad, you and your mom. Your family. You’re probably all suffering from it.” Jesse declares.
“Cody and Patrick may have suffered. Even my dad, but not me.” Jesse sets me up and turns me to straddle his lap.
“There’s a huge misconception about PTSD. It being something that only happens to veterans of war. It’s not, baby. It’s a disorder. Anyone who’s suffered from something traumatic can suffer from it. But yes, these days so many soldiers are suffering from it and that’s getting the focus. We’re losing veterans because they don’t know how to cope and are ending their own lives, like Cody.
“I love my country but it’s not doing enough and that part, I’m ashamed of them for it. My Uncle Brock talks about people talking the talk but not walking the walk. I don’t want to just sit back and judge my country for not taking care of our vets. I want to be part of the solution. I want to be a part of the healing process for my fellow soldiers. I’ll be working with admin at the Pentagon as an expert liaison on PTSD and making sure our men and women are getting the help and benefits they deserve whether they’re able to continue to serve after a trauma or injury. Whether they have to medically retire or continue in a different field and retrain. We’re going to start support programs for school, training or whatever they need. They deserve it. They earned it. Most of all, we need to support them emotionally. There’s VFW, motorcycle clubs that were started by vets, so many organizations. We just have to get the information to them. We don’t want another generation, like our grandfathers’, Vietnam vets, where they’re sleeping under bridges in the heat and cold and going hungry, begging for money and food. We cannot let that happen again. I won’t let them feel shame for their sacrifice.
“Something terrible, traumatic happened to you and your family. The reasons are different; the disorder is the same. Do you ever have flashbacks?” I nod. “You tried to run from the trauma. Cody’s death hit you so hard you went into hiding and anything that reminded you of him you walked away from. You’ve been trying to avoid facing his death and the reasons, they’ve confused you, but Allie it’s time for you to come back to everyone. There’s no doubt in my mind, Cody suffered from something traumatic and it probably went so deep in his own mind he couldn’t pull himself out. It happens. It happened to me,” he confesses and a small gasp escapes my mouth.
Jesse lowers his head before he looks back at me and tells me some of his story.
“What happened?” I ask softly, not sure if he’s willing to share.
“I had been out on maneuvers for three days straight and hadn’t slept, not much anyway. On top of being tired, I was sick with a cold or flu, something but that didn’t matter. I worked through things like that before. We all did. You do what you have to do while you’re out there. There’s no time when there’s no time.” I nod in understanding. “Over there, you work when you work and sleep when you can. You know?” I nod again. “It had been a really quiet night but we still had another shift of patrols to do. I was going to take a shower and some aspirin and change so I could head back out. Sergeant Rossey, the guy I was bunking with walked in and saw me. He laughed at my condition, tossed me a box of tissues that hit me on head and told me to get some rest. Said he was going to take my shift, and since we had a new guy, he’d take him along.” Jesse lowers his head for a few moments. His breathing deepens before he takes a deep breath and holds it. He lifts his eyes back up to mine and they're full of pain and regret. “I didn’t even say thanks. Nothing,” he whispers. “Just raised my hand and flipped him off for throwing the tissues at me. Last thing I heard before I laid back was his laughter and him barking an order.
"James," he yelled. "Get out here. We’re going on patrol so fucking move before I die of old fucking age."
"Sir, yes, sir.” I heard James yell back. I heard others laughing around camp. James was goddamn nineteen fucking years old, Allie. Good, good kid. Always smiling and laughing. He may have been young but he was one of us. He was our brother. Rossey was married with a baby. He was always talking about his son. Showing us pictures.” Jesse shakes his head trying to clear the emotion before continuing in a whisper. “I remember laughing and muttering about what an asshole Rossey was. I turned over in my bunk and closed my eyes, and the next thing I knew, the ground shook from an explosion. I jumped out of bed, grabbed my gun and helmet and ran outside. My Humvee was in flames. It was blown to pieces. Those fucking bastards hit it right outside our perimeter. The Humvee hadn’t even cleared the goddamn gate. My Humvee, Allie. That was supposed to be me. ME! Not Rossey. And not James. Not that fucking kid!” Jesse shouts and grasps my waist with his hands, his fingers digging into my sides so hard I’m sure I’ll have bruises but I don’t care. I hold him tight as he shakes. “They died along with four more who were on guard duty.” His teeth are clenched and his breathing is heavy.
“Jesse, baby.” I pull him close and bury his face against my neck. I hold him as tight as I can. It’s my turn to comfort him. “It wasn’t your fault. Come back to me.” I try to calm him with my words. It seems to be working so I just keep repeating my words while holding and rocking him.
Come back to me! Remember, fate!
His body begins to relax and his breathing evens out. He raises his head after a few minutes and looks at me and drops his hands from my sides.
“Fuck, I’m sorry. Did I hurt you, Allie?”
“No, of course not.” I wait as he gathers himself. I can feel small tremors moving throughout his body. I run my fingers through his hair trying to help calm him. His breathing finally steadies and he looks at me.
“Just, sometimes it hits me. For a while I didn’t share how I was feeling. No one had any idea the internal battle that was going on in my head. Allie, there were times my mind took me to places...bad places…” his voice trails off. He takes my hands and holds them against his chest. “Not too long after that I started seeing a doctor. Even went inpatient for a while when it first happen
ed. When I got out, I attended support groups once or twice a week. Now I just check in once a month and I see a therapist once every few months. Sometimes, I hang out at the VFW down the road and talk to some of the old timers. They’ve been a huge support. I’ve never told anyone this. Not even my family. Docs and the old timers told me it was survivor guilt. I’m doing a lot better. Well, as you can see, I still have moments.” He hangs his head like he’s ashamed or embarrassed.
“Jesse, look at me. I’m so sorry for your pain and guilt that you’re feeling. You just showed me something I think I needed to see and for that I’m thankful, but I’m sorry you went through the memory.” I pull him close again.
“When do you want to go see your dad?” he asks carefully.
“Tomorrow. I’m going to head out now. Go to a hotel and then go over in the morning.” I start to stand.
“Excuse me?” It’s not really a question as he reaches for my hand, holding me in place. “Why?” He’s looking at me like I’m crazy.
“Why what?” I try to pull my hand away and stand again.
“Why are you leaving? Stay here. Stay with me, Allie,” he says not letting go of my hand.
I look at my watch. “We’ve barely passed the twenty-four-hour mark, Jesse.” I look at him knowing he’s the crazy one.
“Are you saying that it’s too soon for us to run down to the courthouse in the morning and get married? Because I'm really hoping I talk you into that over the next few hours.” My eyes fly to his.
“Are you serious?” I start laughing but stop when I see he’s not. “Jesse.” I shake my head and struggle to free my hand.
I have to get out of here.
“Allie. Please don’t go,” he begs. “Let’s get married. Marry me. I’m asking this time, not like the whole girlfriend incident. Although you were sending some pretty strong signals my way.” When he says that I gasp and he smirks.
He only releases my hand briefly so he can me pull me back down to straddle his lap.
“Jesse, you’re crazy. We don’t even know each other.”
“We’ve been exclusive for a while, baby.”
“Jesse, stop.” I laugh but he doesn’t.
Oh, boy.
“Allie, in the little time we’ve known each other, look what we’ve shared and done for one another. We’re good for each other. I’ve told you things I’ve never told a living soul. So, please, be my wife. I could never share with anyone what I shared with you and I wouldn’t want to. They wouldn’t understand. You understand me and I understand you. I find myself wanting to tell you things. Don’t you feel the same?” he asks.
The crazy part of me is screaming yes, but the rational side is telling me to ignore the crazy part of me so I try to reason with him.
“Yes, Jesse, but let’s say I say yes, weddings take time and I haven’t even talked to my dad and mom. And…” I start to name off a multitude of absolute reasonable reasons but he interrupts me.
“No, we don’t need to plan anything big now. Jaycee and Blue, Abigail and Nick, fucking everyone are in line for a big wedding. We can do that later. I’m asking you to go with me to the courthouse tomorrow. I don’t want to wait and we can’t do anything till we’re married,” he declares confusing me further.
“What?” I ask, not sure what he's saying. Jesse makes his meaning very clear when he responds.
“Out of respect for your dad and both Cody and Patrick, I won’t sleep with you until you’re my wife. Plus, you’ve waited this long, and I want you to have this the way you always dreamed of. I really want to give that to you. To us. So, see, we have to go tomorrow.” He’s totally serious.
I know my eyes are about to pop out of my head as I stare at him like he just revealed he’s an alien and then proceeded to grow a second head.
“You’re crazy, Jesse.” I pull from him, stand and turn for the door but stop when he says the following.
“You don’t feel like we’d be awesome together? Like we were meant to be? That kiss didn’t mean anything to you? Baby, here you go, messing with fate. When are you going to learn?” He stands and walks over to me.
“It was one kiss, Jesse. Just one kiss.”
Before I even register Jesse’s intentions, my back is against the wall and his lips find mine. He holds me there as his tongue invades my mouth. I moan when I finally get a good taste of him. I push him off of me and we stare at each other, our breathing heavy. I look in his eyes for a long moment before I slowly move back to him and kiss him. We make our way to the floor and I’m lying on top of him, attacking his mouth as he holds my head in place with his hands. Soon, he groans and turns us so he’s on top, all the while not breaking our connection.
My hands slide under his shirt and when I touch his skin I gasp at the heat coming off of him. I pull him as close as I can and run my hands up his back, touching his skin under his shirt. He moans and reaches down and lifts my leg, hitching it on his hip so he can settle between my legs and gently rock against me. He’s hard and I find myself rubbing up against him. I need more and my hands continue their journey, making their way down, sliding under the denim of his jeans, pulling him as close as I can while lifting my hips to meet his, chasing the feeling that’s taking over my body.
Where my boldness comes from I don’t know. I’ve never touched another man like this. I want him.
“Jesse, please?” I whimper not even knowing what I’m asking, just knowing I need more.
“Dammit.” He rises up and kneels in front of me, pulling off his shirt, “I fucking want you.” He reaches down and undoes my jeans, his hand sliding inside. He moans when he finds me wet. “We can do other things but I won’t sleep with you until you’re wearing my ring,” he vows.
“Jesse, that’ll take forever. Rings and paperwork. Forget what I said in the car. Take me now.” He pushes my jeans down my legs and tosses them off to the side.
“No. Stores open at nine a.m. I checked while you were watching the videos. We’ll get our rings and then go to the courthouse.” He leans down, his hands beside my head. “Find your birth certificate, bring every fucking form of identification you have, even your library card if you have one, because tomorrow, we’re getting married.” He leans down and kisses me before tugging off my shirt.
“Jesse, what about lo—” Before I can finish he kisses me. “But Jesse,” I try again.
“Allie, tomorrow, after you’re my wife, I’ll give you the words. Tonight you won’t hear them because you wouldn’t believe them. So, right now, I’ll show you and you’ll believe me because you’ll feel it,” he promises.
This is crazy. He can’t be serious. But I feel like if Jesse left me right now, I’d die. Is this love? If what I’m feeling isn’t love it should be. Love at first sight?
“Allie, I’m about to put my mouth on you. I need to taste you so hold on, baby.” He smirks then slowly kisses his way from my shoulder to my neck where he nips my chin before making his way down to my other shoulder. I twist and arch into his kisses as he keeps going, running my hands along his warm skin. He slides his hands under my back and arches me up further lifting my lace covered breasts to his mouth. He goes back and forth between my breasts gently exploring, causing me to become frenzied. He slowly starts rocking his jean covered hardness against my lace panties causing delicious friction. I reach around and hold him as tight to me as I can as I call out his name when I fall over the edge.
Oh my.
After I regain my senses, I rise up on my elbows and watch Jesse make his way down my body. He peeks up at me through his lowered lashes and the corners of his eyes are crinkled so I know he’s smirking.
Go on and smirk, Jesse. You totally own that one.
Finally, he reaches his destination, pushes my legs apart and lies down between them. He lifts my legs up, places them over his shoulders and his mouth finds me. My body arches and I let out a soft cry. He kisses through the lace and I fall to my back and raise my hips to deepen his touch, but he slides his hands
across my stomach and holds me down.
“Jesus, Allie.” He pulls the lace gusset of my panties aside and runs his tongue along my bare skin. “Fuck baby, you’re bare. Christ, you’re beautiful. I’ve never tasted anything as sweet as you.”
I can’t help it; I whimper his name over and over. I run my fingers through his hair and hold him to me.
“Baby, you can hold on but trust me, I’m not going anywhere.” His breath is hot against my bare skin.
His fingers take over where his tongue was, leaving it free to invade me. Then it’s over, I scream his name as I come in his mouth. My body shudders so hard Jesse has to hold me down. Once I calm, Jesse puts my panties back in place and comes back on top of me. He kisses me hard and I can taste myself on him, causing me to whimper.
“I want you, Jesse.” Still not satisfied, I pull him closer. I want to taste and feel him inside of me so much I can’t breathe.
“Tomorrow, after you’re my wife,” he vows before kissing me sweetly.
“You’re really serious?” I break our kiss.
“I’m not touching you again till we’re married, Allie.”
“Jesse, what time does the courthouse open again?”
I sigh and smirk causing Jesse to chuckle before returning with his own smirk.
The next morning, I wake in Jesse’s bed and smile. Last night I spent a good amount of time teasing him about his fuzzy dice foot stools.
The room is filled with a huge king size bed with a beautiful wood canopy bed. Pricilla curtains hang on the windows but even that doesn’t feel girly. Maybe it’s because I know Jesse is all man. Even if his room was painted pink it wouldn’t take away from his strength. But the best part of his room and the part I teased him endlessly about, are the two zebra print chairs with fuzzy white footstools that look like oversized dice you hang from a car’s rearview mirror. But honestly, it’s so wonderful that his family did this for him.
His Forgotten Love (A McGinty's Of San Antonio Series Novel Book 4) Page 6