by Heart, Skye
“Why?” She asked. Now, it was my turn to fess up about my feelings.
“I don't know. To tell you the truth, I don't think I ever got over that whole Ashleigh mess. Every time I think about it, I get upset all over again. I guess I don't quite feel secure enough with him yet; at least not enough to have a baby that is. I don't want to bring a child into this world without knowing for sure, whether or not its father and I, are going to be together forever.” I reasoned.
“But sweetie, there's no way you can ever know that. There is no way anybody can ever know something like that. I know he has hurt you, but you cannot keep living in the past honey, because if you do, you will never be happy. You have a good man, and I am not saying he is perfect, but everyone makes mistakes. On the surface, it may show that you have forgiven him, but emotionally, you have not. At least your heart has not anyway. You need to let go of that anger inside you, instead of suppressing it.” Naima preached. When she noticed the tears in my eyes, she continued. “It's been three years since it happened, and the memory is still fresh in your mind. You have to let it go hon.” She said to me. Then, I looked up at her, and shook my head.
“That's just it. I don't know if I can.”
~TONY~
A few of my shipmates, and I, strolled through one of Venice, Italy's largest shopping malls. I surveyed many souvenirs, on display through the windows, that I knew Nena would love. Before entering yet another store, the guys in my group stopped to make catcalls at the Italian girls walking by. This particular mall was full of insanely beautiful, tall and slender women. I, myself, took notice to this one girl, with a butt so big, that it should have been in a museum! The women waved at us, and said ‘chow,’ when they walked past.
“Now you know she got a little black in her wit’ all that ass.” I said to my friends, after the women were gone. They all laughed in agreement, slapping fives with one another. I then looked at Miss New Italian Booty again, before she disappeared into a store. Going back home, to my wife, could not have gotten here fast enough for me. I had to admit, at first I did not think I could handle being away from Nena for so long. Yet, here I was, now five months into this deployment, and have been doing just fine. Regardless of the things I have done in the past, which caused me to doubt myself, so far I have been a good boy during this whole separation. Contrary to the great deal of unfaithful husbands on my ship, I have not cheated on my wife, since we left the states, and I was proud of myself for that. Now, the countdown has begun. I could not wait to see Nena, and hold her in my arms again.
“Hi there,” someone said from behind me. I spun around to find Alana standing there with that infectious smile of hers. It was hard not to notice how sexy she looked in her skintight navy blue jeans, along with a tight white tank top, that showed off her belly ring. All of a sudden, the guys behind me grew silent, and I knew why. Almost every Sailor on our ship wanted to sleep with her, but I was the one that she pursued. Most of my shipmates often ragged on me about how stupid I was, to ‘pass up an ass like that,’ but I wanted to stay true to my wife.
“So what's up?” She asked, once again interrupting my thoughts.
“My dick!” One of the other sailors interjected. They all burst into laughter with the exception of me, who just smiled. Hopkins was always the comedian of the group.
“Yeah, what's new?” Alana said, shooting him an angry look.
“But I’m saying though. When you gon’ let me hit that?” Hopkins pressed.
“Get a number, wait in line.” Alana replied, rolling her eyes.
“OH!” All the guys shouted in unison, clowning on Hopkins. “Damn! It's like that?” Stone, another sailor asked, eyeing her body.
“Just like that,” She replied, turning her attention back to me. I had to admit, I admired how self-assured she was, in everything that she did. It appealed to my taste on some level. I always did have a weakness for a girl that was not afraid to go after what she wanted, regardless of the odds, stacked against her.
“So, what are you doing tonight?” She asked, flashing me another smile.
“Not you.” I replied, smiling back. Then, all the guys roared in laughter. Although, I liked her confidence, I despised her 'I know I am all that' attitude. If I could rate her, based on her attitude alone, she would fail miserably.
“C'mon baby, don't be like that.” Alana said, playfully pouting. I cocked my head to the side impressed. I have never met a girl that was as forward as she was to me, and in a way, it turned me on.
“You must not remember that I have a wife waiting for me at home.” I told her.
“Yeah, and you must be looking to get your ass whooped.” Stone said, still eavesdropping with the rest of them. Once again, they all burst into laughter. Seemingly annoyed by their comments, Alana turned to them with her hands on her hips.
“Don't you bitches have some hoes to go run a train on or something?” She asked disgustedly.
“Of course, why do you think we're still talking to you?” Hopkins threw in again. Now, I had to laugh. I could not hold it in anymore, because Hopkins was a killer, when it came to putting girls like Alana, in their place. He, like me, hated to see a beautiful girl with a bad attitude.
“Fuck you Hop!” She said angrily.
“Get a number, wait in line.” He mocked, with another burst of laughter from the Sailors.
“Look man, let's bounce. I'm hungry.” Mencia said, another sailor in the group, who was doubling over, holding his gut, trying to control his laughter.
“All right dawg, let’s bounce.” Stone said, turning to leave, along with the rest of them.
“Hey, Skye, you coming?” Another sailor in the group called out to me, a short distance away from where I still stood.
“Yeah man, I’ll be right there.” I replied, and then turned back to Alana. I could hear mumbling, and more laughter, coming from the group as they piled onto the escalator, heading up to the food court.
“My bad for messing with you earlier, you know how it is. Them my boys so I had to, you know.” I apologized.
“No, it's okay. I’m not worried about it. So, what's good?” She resumed her flirtatious behavior, and I smiled once again, at her directness.
“You tell me.” I replied, now reciprocating her advances. Straightaway, Alana seemed surprised, by my sudden change of attitude, and flashed those pearly whites again.
“Are you coming on to me, Skye?” She asked, faking astonishment.
“That depends,” I replied, staring at her protruding nipples.
“On what?” She asked, unmistakably enjoying, my newfound attraction to her.
“On how far you plan on taking this little cat and mouse game you got going here.” I answered.
“How far are you willing to go?” She challenged. Then, I reached out, slipping two fingers inside the belt buckle of her jeans, and tugged on it, pulling her to me.
“Is this far enough?” I asked, my face inches away from hers.
“Not quite.” She replied, and then kissed me. Her mouth tasted as sweet as candy, as I explored her tongue. She smelled of strawberries and cream, and that turned me on even more. As her tongue moved in my mouth with such urgency, I felt my dick grow hard. When she pressed her body against mine, I abruptly stopped. What am I doing? I thought to myself. Before I could think anything further, she reached into her back pocket, and slipped a small electronic card in the front pocket, of my button up shirt. When I looked in my pocket, I saw that it was a hotel room key.
“Come see me later.” She said, turning to leave. I stood there, and watched the way the two cantaloupes she calls butt cheeks, bounced from side to side beneath her Apple Bottom jeans, as she walked away. I knew I was playing with fire, but there was something about Alana, that I just could not resist.
6
~NENA~
“Hey Chris, what brings you by?” I said, stepping aside to let him in.
“Nothing really. I just wanted to check up on you, and see how you we
re doing.” He came inside, went straight to my fridge, and grabbed a soda.
“Is that all?” I questioned with a touch of sarcasm. I figured he was here because of my sister, but I wanted to give him the chance, to admit to that. Chris then took a seat on my sofa, popped the can open, and took a long swig.
“I take it there’s a shortage of carbonated beverages, over there on your side of town?” I joked, and he laughed, almost spewing the liquid out of his mouth. Joining in his amusement, I sat down next to him. Whatever his deal with Naima is, I was prepared to play therapist to them both. I could not have those two falling apart, just weeks before Tony came back, because I was looking forward to plenty of double dates, and game nights with them. It has been a while since all four of us hung out together, and I missed how much fun we used to have.
“I also wanted to talk.” He said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.
“Oh? This sounds serious.” I said, curling my legs up under me, facing him.
“Something like that,” he replied. “The thing is, I still got love for Nai you know, and I don’t think I ever stopped loving her, but…” he stopped for a moment.
“But you can’t seem to get those words out, right?” I asked, finishing his sentence for him.
“Yeah. I guess she talked to you about it too then, huh?” He asked rhetorically.
“Yes, and she's really hurt by it, because she loves you Chris. And I know you love her too, but why can’t you tell her that?” I asked him.
“I don’t know. I mean, I know I do, but...not as I used to, I guess. After everything that has happen,” he stopped again, and then shook his head, “it's hard to explain.”
“Trust me; I know exactly how you feel.” I said nodding. I knew all too well, what he was feeling.
“Do you?” He asked, looking at me.
“When someone you love so much, does something to hurt you so badly, it changes everything. Including the love, you thought you had for that person. Once you get back with them, it's never the same.” I explained, thinking about my marriage, and Chris nodded. “It's sort of like,” I continued, “breaking your favorite toy, and when you finally get it fixed, it never really seems to work as well as it did, before you broke it. Get what I’m saying?”
“Yeah I do. So you do understand where I’m coming from,” he said, meeting my eyes. I stared back at him empathizing with his situation. There was so much depth in his eyes, as if there was so much more, that he was not saying. Somehow, once again, his gaze seemed to paralyze me. I wanted to look away, but this time I could not. There was something about Chris, and something about the way he looked at me; those green eyes that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Maybe it was because of the shared emotional suffering we endured over our partners, which is something they just could not comprehend. Chris understood my pain, and my reluctance to trust Tony again after his affair, and I understood Chris’ apprehension where my sister was concerned. The connection I began to feel with Chris was evident, and I could not fathom what was happening between us right now. I felt drawn to him in a form that went way beyond just being friends. I yearned to feel this way with my husband. I wanted Tony to understand my feelings the way Chris did. Chris listened to me, and he was always there for me when I needed him to be, when my sister could not. He was the one who helped me through that terrible time, when I caught Tony cheating. That is how much Chris cared for me. He chose his friendship with me, over his friendship with Tony, when our marriage almost ended. They have been friends for years, but Chris has always been like a big brother to me. So why did I now, find myself falling for him?
~CHRIS~
“Hey. I called the ship, and they said you left there a couple hours ago. Where have you been?” Naima asked me, as soon as I walked through the door. Instantly, annoyed by her presence, I gave her an agitated look.
“I didn't know I needed to check in with you every five minutes.” I snapped, before disappearing into my bedroom.
“What's the matter with you, huh?” She demanded, walking into the room behind me. “Where did this attitude of yours come from? Ever since we decided to get back together...” she began.
“No,” I said cutting her off, “we never decided anything. I never agreed to any of this. You just moved yourself in here, without so much as talking to me about it first.” I said, trying to control my anger. Naima stared at me for a moment, and then got angry too.
“Well, you never complained all those nights we were fucking each other!” She shot back. I glared at her, and then she stopped, and took a breath. “C'mon be for real. This is more than just my moving in here. Something is up with you. I can tell. What is it Chris? Talk to me.” She looked at me with pleading eyes, as if she was desperately trying to figure me out. Then, she sat on the bed, and motioned for me to sit down next to her, but I remained standing.
“Look Nai, right now, everything is just moving a little too fast for me, and I need some time to think things through. Your being here isn't helping any.” I said to her, trying to be as straight forward as I possibly could. She then stood up, apparently not expecting me to say what she just heard.
“What are you saying?” She asked me.
“What I’m saying is that I don't think it's a good idea for you to be here. I don't think it's a good idea for us to be living together like this. I'm just not ready for that type of relationship with you yet.” I explained. Then, she looked away, trying to hide her tears, no doubt. I knew her too well.
“Why so? Is there someone else?” She asked, staring at my blinds. I paused, because I did not know how to answer that question. Technically, there was no one else, but I could not stop thinking about Nena. Her smile, and those light brown eyes of hers, always seemed to make me weak. Whenever she was near me, I would feel this heat arise within me, the way drinking vodka felt, sliding down my throat, burning up my insides. Then, there were those luscious lips of hers that I so desperately wanted to taste. Unbeknownst to anyone, I had always had a thing for Nena, ever since I met her, but Tony got to her first. A part of me resented my best friend for it, and another part of me felt like Tony did not deserve her. My relationship with Naima was great while it lasted, but she was never my first choice; more like a consolation prize. I often fantasized about what Nena looked like under those conservative clothes she wore. Moreover, those big breasts of hers with nipples that always seemed to be hard…
I then shook my head, snapping out of my daydream, to find Naima staring me down. I could not keep leading her on like this, not until I got my priorities straight, and refocus my mission. Sex with Naima served as a distraction, and frankly, it had run its course. Apparently, my silence told her more, than she was willing to know.
“You know what? Do not bother answering that, because I can clearly see the answer written all over your face. I'll show myself out.” After that, she stormed out of my bedroom, and out the front door.
“Nai,” I called after her, but she ignored me. Next, I sat on the bed, wondering if I should go after her. Yes, she and I had a history, but she screwed all that up on her own. I no longer felt the same way about her. My feelings for her had long since dissipated, and I knew for sure that I did not love her, the way I used to. At least not like the way, that I now know, I love Nena.
~NAIMA~
How could he do this to me? I thought, as I ran down the hall, away from his apartment. After all I went through to be with him, I thought again, with tears stinging my eyes. How could he hurt me like this? How could he? How could he? A million questions formed in my head that started pounding at the right side of my temple. Tears rolled down my cheeks, as I proceeded to run out of the building, and into the rain. I have never loved any man as much as I loved Chris. My heart was aching. How could he? I kept asking myself, as I continued to run, ignoring my surroundings. I darted to the left, and then suddenly crossed the street, when a car came to a screeching halt.
Disregardful of almost getting run over, I continued
to run.
“Nai!” Someone called after me. Could it be Chris, who had come after me?
“Nai!” No. It was a woman's voice. Then, I stopped, and turned around. Nena jumped out of her car, with umbrella in hand, and ran over to me.
“Nai, what are you doing out here in the rain like this?” She asked when she finally reached me. Although the rain masked my tears, I could feel the mascara cake around my eyes, and running down my face; making me look like a drowned raccoon, I was sure.
“C'mon, let me take you home.” She said leading me back to her car.
~NENA~
Back at my place, Naima showered, and retreated to my guest bedroom. She was on the bed, and under the covers, when I entered the room, carrying two mugs filled with hot chocolate and marshmallows. Then, she sat up as I handed one to her.
“Thanks.” She said looking very worn, and tired, from crying.
“Are you okay?” I asked her. She nodded, before putting the mug to her lips. I sat down next to her, and waited patiently for her to tell me what happened.
“Chris, and I, had a big fight. That's why you saw me flying down the street, like a bat out of hell.” We both chuckled at her attempted humor.
“What happened?” I asked her, on a more serious note.
“I don't know. I just had to get out of there. It's just that lately, he hasn't really been himself, you know. And I tried to talk to him about it earlier, but…” she then stopped, and shook her head. Next, she looked down at her mug. “I get the feeling that there’s something, or someone else on his mind that’s keeping him preoccupied. You should have seen the look on his face when I asked him about it.” She said, and I looked away, trying to shield my guilt. There was something going on, between Chris, and me. I was not sure as to what, but I knew it was there. I tried to fight it, for the sake of my sister and my marriage, but the emotions that I felt towards him was getting stronger. Being around him was becoming increasingly difficult, because masking my feelings for him was not easy. He made me nervous, and very much aware, of the way certain parts of my body came alive, in his presence. The way he talks to, and shows his love and support for me, tugs at my heartstrings. He made me feel uneasy, but at the same time, loved. Even so, I have been avoiding Chris, ever since I became aware of my feelings for him. I did not want to face, or confront, what was happening between us. I was not ready for that. I wanted so bad to confide in my sister about it, but how can I? It would devastate her.