*
When they finally left the restaurant, Jessie suggested that they go to Sarah’s bar for a drink. Lynn’s family declined, and obviously Lynn didn’t really want to go, but she agreed to anyway. Lynn had been unusually quiet all through dinner, and Jessie couldn’t get her to talk in the car either. By the time they walked into the bar, Jessie was tempted to ask Lynn to just take her home.
“Hi, ladies,” Sarah said when they ordered their drinks. “Lynn, I’m glad you’re here. I want to talk to you about something.”
“Sure.”
“Bobby, take over for a minute,” Sarah told the young man working the bar with her. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
They followed Sarah into the office, which was quieter than out by the dance floor. She motioned for them to sit, then perched on the edge of her desk, a flyer in her hand.
“What’s up?” Lynn asked. She took the flyer that Sarah held out, and Jessie peeked at it over Lynn’s shoulder. Lynn shook her head as she handed it back. “No. I’m not interested.”
It was an advertisement for an auction the bar was hosting to raise money for breast cancer research. Jessie glanced at Sarah, raising an eyebrow. Was she really asking Lynn to auction herself off for charity?
“Why? It’s for a good cause, and you get a free night out on the town.”
“I’m not doing it.” Lynn crossed her arms over her chest. “I have no desire to go out on a date with someone I would have zero interest in.”
“It’s for a good cause,” Sarah repeated. “I bet you’ll bring in more money than anyone else. Most of the women here don’t know you personally since you live in San Francisco now, and they’ll start drooling as soon as you walk on stage, especially since you’re a famous author. It’s for a good cause.”
“You’ve mentioned that. Repeatedly. My answer is still no.”
“I think you should do it.” Jessie met Lynn’s incredulous stare and shrugged. If it was possible, she thought Lynn looked even more annoyed than she had during dinner. “If you can bring in a lot of money, it could only be a good thing, right?”
Lynn continued to stare at her, and Jessie was becoming uncomfortable under the scrutiny. After a moment, Lynn returned her attention to Sarah.
“Fine.” Lynn stood and started toward the door. “You have my cell number. Let me know what I need to do.”
“What’s with her?” Sarah asked when Lynn had gone.
“I kissed her.”
“Was it better this time?” Jessie was surprised that the declaration didn’t seem to faze Sarah.
“Much better.” Jessie laughed at Sarah’s inquisitiveness, but quickly returned to the current problem. “I don’t know what’s wrong with her now, though.”
“Honey, if you’re going to be a lesbian, you need to get used to the drama. Unfortunately, it’s a prerequisite. You’ve been in this place enough to witness some of it firsthand.”
Sarah laughed, but Jessie was sure she was pulling her leg. “I need to go talk to her. Was she moody like this when you were with her?”
“She wasn’t in love with me, Jess.” Sarah shook her head. “She’s never been in love with anyone but you.”
Jessie didn’t know what to say. Was it possible Lynn could be in love with her? Why hadn’t she ever told her?
A wave of sadness suddenly engulfed Jessie when she thought about Lynn holding on to those feelings for so long. No wonder Lynn had refused to stay with her while she was in town. If what Sarah said was true, Jessie was determined to get Lynn to admit it.
Chapter Eight
“Have you ever been in love?” Jessie asked when Lynn pulled into her driveway a short time later. She waited for Lynn to put the car in Park, then turned off the ignition herself.
“What kind of question is that?” Lynn knew her defensiveness showed in her tone, but she didn’t care. She was so conflicted she wasn’t sure which way to turn.
“A simple one. I want to know if you’ve ever been in love. Sarah said you weren’t in love with her—that you’ve never been in love with anyone but me. Is that true?”
“Sarah needs to mind her own damn business.”
“Jesus, Lynn, just answer the question.”
Lynn stared straight ahead, her throat constricted. She clenched her teeth and the muscles in her jaw jumped. This was new. Why the hell did she feel like she was about to burst into tears?
“Do we need to play true confessions?” Jessie asked after a lengthy silence. Her voice had softened, though, and Jessie could apparently tell just how close she was to breaking down.
“No. I’ve never been in love with anyone but you. I’ve never let anyone close enough. I’ve always held on to the fantasy that I might be with you someday. You broke my heart when you married Wayne, Jessie. Then you had a baby. God, I was devastated, because I thought you’d be with Wayne forever. A baby makes things more real, more permanent, you know?” Lynn was babbling, but if she stopped, she’d never finish. “Most people would have moved on at that point, but I must be a masochist, because I kept hoping. Then I saw Amber for the first time, and I fell in love with her too. I melt every time she calls me Auntie Lynn and gives me a big hug.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me these things?” Jessie took Lynn’s hand, moving it into her own lap.
“What would have been the point, Jess? I mean, seriously—you probably would have freaked out, and I might never have heard from you again.” Lynn finally turned to meet Jessie’s eyes, afraid she’d get lost in the depths of chocolate brown. “That would have killed me. I’d rather have you in my life as a friend than to lose you forever because you couldn’t deal with how I felt, how I feel about you. What if I never hear from you again? What if you break my heart again, this time not because of some guy, but because you don’t want me?”
“I can’t imagine ever having you gone from my life. I don’t know how I’d have reacted if you’d told me before, but we’d have remained close. You’re my best friend, and I don’t want that to ever change.”
They sat quietly for a few moments, and Lynn allowed Jessie to intertwine their fingers, enjoying the feel of her hand. Everything about the situation was totally new to her. With anyone else, she’d be saying what her date wanted to hear, trying to get her into bed. But with Jessie, she didn’t have a clue what to talk about because she was so afraid of saying the wrong thing.
“Will you come inside?” Jessie asked quietly.
“No, not tonight.” Lynn slowly pulled her hand away and rubbed her palms on her slacks. “My parents’ anniversary is next Wednesday. Will you come to the party? It’s their fortieth.”
“I can’t. I have plans that evening,” Jessie said.
Lynn thought she detected a hint of regret in Jessie’s tone and tried to not let her disappointment show.
“Does that mean I won’t be seeing you before then?”
Lynn shrugged. “That’s up to you.”
“What happened between the time we left here and the time we were seated in the restaurant?” Jessie’s irritated tone was back, and Lynn wanted to tell her, but couldn’t bear to lay her feelings out any more than she already had.
“Nothing. I’ve just been thinking about things. I know this is all new to you, Jessie, and I understand that you need some time to wrap your head around it. It would probably be easier for you if I wasn’t hanging around here every day.”
The hurt she saw in Jessie’s eyes almost made her give in. Then she remembered how overly familiar Jessie had been acting with the man in the restaurant. “Jess, I don’t want to be an experiment. Until two days ago, you never questioned that you were straight. How do I know you don’t see this as an easy way to get Wayne out of your life forever? Just a temporary replacement, you know?”
She regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth but couldn’t take them back. She held Jessie’s gaze and braced herself for the anger flashing in her eyes.
“How dare you.” Jessie reached for th
e door handle. “I thought we knew each other too well for bullshit like this. Obviously I was wrong. And you have absolutely no idea what was going through my mind until two days ago. I care about you, Lynn, but clearly I need to give this”—she pointed back and forth between the two of them—“much more consideration than I originally thought. I’ll call you.”
She rocketed out of the car and slammed the door behind her. Lynn bent forward and rested her head on the steering wheel, fighting the urge to run after her.
Communication had never been one of her strong points. Why hadn’t Jessie refuted the possibility that she might be an experiment? Damn. She might have just fucked up the most important relationship in her life.
*
Jessie stood with her back against the door until Lynn drove away almost five minutes later. Then she hung her head and began to cry softly. Her purse fell to the floor and she followed, slowly sliding down until she slumped fully to the floor. She hadn’t intended for the evening to end this way. She’d never wanted anyone more than she wanted Lynn, and the depth of that desire terrified her.
Using her to get away from Wayne—what a crock. If Wayne had a clue what was happening between them, he’d probably come after them both. She stopped crying and whipped her head up, slamming it against the door with a thud.
“Maybe this is for the best,” she said to the dark hallway, but her words didn’t keep her from reliving the scene in the kitchen before they’d left for dinner. The feel of Lynn’s body against hers had ignited a fire in her that wouldn’t be easy to put out. Jessie had never imagined that another woman could arouse these feelings in her. She reached in her purse for a tissue and felt the cold steel of the gun. She pulled it out, then clicked on the light in the entryway.
When Rick Tompkins, her attorney, had first suggested she get a gun, she laughed at him. As more time went by, though, she considered what Wayne had done and what he could still do. She’d finally given in a couple of months ago, and Rick had taken her to the shooting range a few times. Even though she abhorred the thought of using the .38 against another human being, she actually enjoyed the practice and was even quite good. Since she had proved herself on the shooting range and had no prior run-ins with the law, she easily got a license to carry a concealed weapon. If Wayne ever showed up on her doorstep, she’d be able to defend herself. And her child.
But what about Lynn? If Wayne did catch wind of something between them, would she stand a chance if he decided to go after her? A chill raced down her spine. She shook her head and replaced the gun in her purse. No, it was probably best that their romance stop before it got a chance to develop. She wished, not for the first time, that Wayne was dead. She’d never have a normal life as long as he was around.
That was probably better for Lynn too. What exactly did Lynn want from her? Sarah had said that while Lynn had been faithful to her when they were together, she tended to sleep around when she was single, and Lynn had never denied that fact. She seemed to enjoy her lifestyle, and having a girlfriend with a young child would certainly put a damper on that. What if she only wanted a fling? She was returning to San Francisco at the end of the month, after all, and presumably wouldn’t be back until the following December. How would a relationship like that work?
Jessie sighed as she stood and removed her coat. Why couldn’t life ever give her easy choices?
“It’s for the best,” she said with more resolve than she felt. Maybe if she repeated it enough times, she’d start to believe it.
Chapter Nine
Lynn walked into The Family Room Sunday evening where Sarah sat at a table in the corner, a cup of coffee in front of her and a pen in her hand. Lynn took a seat at the table without asking if she could.
“You’re enemy number one at the moment.” Sarah didn’t look up from her paperwork.
“Excuse me?”
Sarah put down the pen and stared at her as she removed her reading glasses. Before she spoke again, she waved to the bartender for a refill.
“Karen’s not happy with you, and neither am I. Jessie and Karen had dinner last night, and Jess told Karen what you said.” Sarah sat back in her seat and folded her arms. “That was so not cool, dude. About her using you to get away from Wayne? Not cool at all. That doesn’t sound like the Lynn Patrick I used to know.”
Lynn had expected the recrimination but had no idea what to say. She’d felt bad about it even before Jessie had disappeared into the house Friday night, and she’d seriously considered knocking on the door to apologize. In the end, she’d finally driven away and fought the urge to call Jessie ever since. She was starting to worry that she might never hear from Jessie again, but she didn’t want to be the one to cave in first. What if Jessie didn’t want to talk to her? In some way, it was better not to know. Even if it was killing her.
“I know. I’m a shit. What can I say?”
“Well, to start with, you could apologize to her.”
“When she got out of the car, she told me that she’d call me. I don’t think she wants to hear from me right now.”
“She’d love to hear that you didn’t mean it. You didn’t mean it, did you?”
“Of course not.” Lynn shook her head at the bartender when he came to fill Sarah’s cup, indicating that she didn’t want anything. She was on her way to Charlie’s for dinner and didn’t want to show up drunk. They were finally planning to have that talk about his failed marriage.
She rested her forearms on the table and met Sarah’s fiery gaze. “Well, maybe. I said it in the heat of the moment. After that I realized she could easily find another man and stick to safer relationships. But what if she does want someone safe? Someone totally different from Wayne, and for the moment that’s me? I can’t live my life wondering if the woman I love would rather be with a man. And, yeah, maybe the way I said it and the timing weren’t great, but I still wonder if it might be true.”
“I don’t understand you. You’ve always wanted Jessie to wake up one day and realize that she loves you. Now that it’s a real possibility, you’re doing everything you can to sabotage it before it can get going. You know Jessie better than anyone. Do you honestly think she’d do that?”
“No,” Lynn finally said. Sighing, she ran both hands through her hair. “Fuck, Sarah, I’m scared. I don’t want this to be a transitional relationship for her. I don’t want to find out that she’s only considering turning to women because she’s disenchanted with men. Somebody who’s straight doesn’t suddenly find herself attracted to women. I don’t think Jessie would do it intentionally, but she’s a mess right now and has a shitload of crap going on in her life. She might do it without even realizing, then suddenly she wakes up one day and wonders what the hell she was thinking, wanting to be with a woman.”
“Ah, and there we have the crux of the problem,” Sarah said with a nod. “Honey, you need to sit down and have a serious conversation with her. This attraction didn’t suddenly happen when you confessed your love. I’ve been noticing it in her for months, and honestly, Karen said it’s been longer than that. You’re the only person who seems surprised.”
Lynn sat there stunned while Sarah went to help a customer at the bar. Was it true? If Jessie had been considering being with women for some time now, who was the guy she was talking to at the restaurant the other night? Maybe she was bisexual, and while that never held much appeal for Lynn in a partner, it seemed to be different where Jessie was concerned. Everything seemed to be different where Jessie was concerned, and that fact bothered her. Suddenly nothing in her world made sense, which was pissing her off.
Lynn snapped back to the present when Sarah set a shot glass filled with whiskey and a beer in front of her. Every bartender she was familiar with seemed to know exactly what she wanted. She was about to drink the shot when someone smacked the back of her head, hard. She stood and turned to meet Karen Greenfield’s eyes.
“What the fuck’s wrong with you?” Karen asked in lieu of a greeting.
�
��It’s nice to see you too,” Lynn responded, rubbing the back of her head. She took her seat again as Karen pulled a chair over from an adjacent table. Lynn marveled, as she always did, at how much Karen and Jessie looked alike. They had the same brown eyes and hair, but Karen was a couple inches shorter than Jessie, and only Jessie shared Lynn’s passion for ice hockey.
“You hurt my sister,” Karen said when she was settled. “What are you going to do about it?”
“Maybe if you’d have cuffed Wayne like that he wouldn’t have hit Jessie.” Lynn grimaced, knowing she sounded judgmental and petulant, but not giving a damn. Karen, however, took the statement and ran with it.
“Don’t even get me started on that piece of shit. Leave me alone with him for thirty seconds, and I’ll castrate him. That poor excuse for a human being deserves to live the rest of his life without his manhood, and maybe spend a little time in jail without it. Then perhaps he’d see what it felt like to have someone beat the shit out of him.”
“Amen,” Sarah said, then the three of them hushed. Lynn presumed they were all thinking about ways to make Wayne Paulson suffer.
“You didn’t answer my question,” Karen eventually said, her tone a bit more amiable. Lynn finally swallowed her shot and met Karen’s stare.
“I’m going to apologize to her.”
“Tonight?”
“I’m having dinner with Charlie tonight.” She wanted to blow him off and rush right over to Jessie’s house, but while he would understand, she wanted to keep her commitment. She wouldn’t be able to see Jessie until at least tomorrow.
“If she comes crying to me again, I’ll hunt you down, Patrick.” Karen meant it. Though she acted feminine, her heart was pure butch. “I want to hear from her that you called and apologized, understood? You two have been friends far too long to let some bullshit like this come between you.”
“I got it.” Lynn nodded. She’d better do it soon. She should have expected this, because Jessie had always told Karen everything, probably even how she felt about Lynn, but she wasn’t about to ask. “You don’t seem to be surprised that your sister might be gay.”
True Confessions Page 6